Is she busy or needs space.

[Noffers93]

Hi all, 

Just after some outside perspective, been seeing this girl for around 2 months now., she has ADHD so I struggle to get a read on her currently. We’ve been seeing each other 1-2 times a week. Sometimes she stays over and we sleep together, sometimes she stays over and we just cuddle, some times she doesn’t stay over, very hard to get a read on her.

She invited herself over Saturday night, didn’t stay the night or sleep together just hung out made out and had a good time. Came over (planned) Sunday for a few hours just made out again and went out for food and a dog show at a local bar. 
 

I asked her to hang out again this week before I head away for Christmas, this is the text exchange. I feel I am over thinking this but do I have a problem here ? 
 

Her: Hey Matty, I don’t think I’ll have any time this week while working and with Christmas coming up x

Me: Aw bugger! No problem, let’s save it for next week then. 

Let’s do Friday next week, 4pm my place  ? x

Her: I’m working that Friday , give me a call when you get home and we will organise a day x

Me: Sounds good ☺️ Have a good Christmas hun x

Her: You too lovely x

I’d love to get your guys thoughts. Is this a she is genuinely busy and just call her like she asked when I’m back in town situation? Or is this a she needs space and wait for her to cal situation? 

[Wiseman2]

13 minutes ago, Noffers93 said:

 been seeing this girl for around 2 months now. We’ve been seeing each other 1-2 times a week. Her: Hey Matty, I don’t think I’ll have any time this week while working and with Christmas coming up x

It seems to be going well for 8 weeks dating.  How old is she? Please slow down a bit and try not to accelerate and suffocate. Twice a week is plenty of time together.  If she's busy over the holidays and you're going away, stay in touch and see each other when things are less busy. 

[Noffers93]

2 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

It seems to be going well for 8 weeks dating.  How old is she? Please slow down a bit and try not to accelerate and suffocate. Twice a week is plenty of time together.  If she's busy over the holidays and you're going away, stay in touch and see each other when things are less busy. 

So just give her a call like she asked when I’m back in town?

[Wiseman2]

9 minutes ago, Noffers93 said:

So just give her a call like she asked when I’m back in town?

Stay in light touch, wish her happy holidays and try to set something up when you return. 

[Noffers93]

25 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Stay in light touch, wish her happy holidays and try to set something up when you return. 

Will do. And she is 24, I am 30. To answer your question 

[Sam1986]

There is no problem here as far as I can see.
She wasn't able to go for the suggested date, but said that you should call so you two could reschedule.
It's when she makes no effort to reschedule that I would be more worried, but this isn't the case here.

[Kwothe28]

I have a bit different perspective on it. Sure, its only 2 months. But, if she wanted to see you over holidays, she would. You dont have to be a mind reader for stuff like that. If they are interested they would love to see you and wouldnt make excuse after excuse. For example, do you have a New Year planned? Usually people who see each other organize a New Year to be together. Let me guess: She is going to party with her friends? 

Give her a call. But you dont have to bend over that much for people who dont show much interest in seeing you. 

[Wiseman2]

15 hours ago, Noffers93 said:

I asked her to hang out again this week before I head away for Christmas, 

It seems like you're the one who's going to be busy going away for Christmas and trying to squeeze her in when she told you she's working. She seems interested and it's going well. So it's your trip that's in the way, not her. 

[rainbowsandroses]

17 hours ago, Noffers93 said:

We’ve been seeing each other 1-2 times a week. Sometimes she stays over and we sleep together, sometimes she stays over and we just cuddle, some times she doesn’t stay over, very hard to get a read on her.

17 hours ago, Noffers93 said:

Her: Hey Matty, I don’t think I’ll have any time this week while working and with Christmas coming up x

Me: Aw bugger! No problem, let’s save it for next week then. 

Let’s do Friday next week, 4pm my place  ? x

^^One thing that stood out to me is why are your dates if you could call them that always at your place? 

If this were me, I'd feel like a hook up or FWB, which she may feel as well which is why she makes a point of sometimes not having sex and not staying the night. Hence your confusion and not getting a good read on her.

You mentioned going out for a bite to eat and dog show but the way it was worded, it sounded like an afterthought once she was at your place and after you were physical (making out, sex?).

The whole thing sounds very casual and FWBish.

Have you discussed being exclusive or anything about your relationship or gasp, feelings?  It's been two months. 

Anyway, your text exchange, yeah she's putting on the breaks imo.  Or simply treating this as something casual, following your lead.

That said, if you DO take her out, plan dates and fun stuff to do together outside the house, then my opinion might be different. 

But from what you posted, it would appear you spend most of your time together at home and you expect sex.

As such, she may really like you but nevertheless still feel like a hook up/FWB.

JMO.

[catfeeder]

It sounds fine to me. Ask her out when you get back.

[Sam1986]

2 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

I have a bit different perspective on it. Sure, its only 2 months. But, if she wanted to see you over holidays, she would. You dont have to be a mind reader for stuff like that. If they are interested they would love to see you and wouldnt make excuse after excuse. For example, do you have a New Year planned? Usually people who see each other organize a New Year to be together. Let me guess: She is going to party with her friends? 

Give her a call. But you dont have to bend over that much for people who dont show much interest in seeing you. 

How can we deduce that she is not interested? She literally wrote that she wants to reschedule to find a fitting date. If that's not effort then I dont know what is.

Speaking of little time. I just finished my major deadline right now (hooray!) at work, and I haven't been able to see many people the last days/weeks because of how big this delivery is. And right after that, I've booked a flight to see my family (the flight was booked in advance because I knew my deadline was today). And I'll be heading straight for the airport after work tomorrow, and be gone till New Year's. And I have friends who have just as busy schedules now during Christmas time, so it's not that uncommon this time of year.
My point is, its not uncommon to have very tight schedules now around Christmas time, but as long as she shows an interest in trying to reschedule, he's got nothing to worry about.

[shouldhavelearned]

What are her work hours?

Should be able to meet before or after. Doesn't have to have relations.

Quick drink or food.

[smackie9]

Some people go into their snail shell when the holidays arrive because it's too stressful, or over whelming. I say it's both...she needs her space because she's too busy. 

I'm like that myself...I'm practically holding my breath til it's over. 

[catfeeder]

1 hour ago, smackie9 said:

Some people go into their snail shell when the holidays arrive because it's too stressful, or over whelming. I say it's both...she needs her space because she's too busy. 

I'm like that myself...I'm practically holding my breath til it's over. 

Yep, exactly my thoughts. This is not the time of year to doubt busyness.

[rainbowsandroses]

1 hour ago, smackie9 said:

Some people go into their snail shell when the holidays arrive because it's too stressful, or over whelming. I say it's both...she needs her space because she's too busy. 

I'm like that myself...I'm practically holding my breath til it's over. 

Still doesn't explain why their "dates" are always at HIS place.  Versus planning something fun, otherwise known as making effort. 

Sounds like FWB which may be putting her off and agree the holidays are busy but if she were truly happy with this arrangement, she could have made room in her incredibly busy schedule to see him.

But if it's just gonna be 'same ole/same ole' at his place as he suggested, why should she?  

Again, just my read on it, hopefully the OP will return and clarify.

[MrMan1983]

That exchange looks fine to me, she wouldn't be getting you to call her when you're back to schedule if she was no longer interested. Things are often busy leading up to Christmas with socials and family activities.

Easier to take the exchange at face value for now, if when you try and call things are weird then fair one maybe it's time to evaluate if something is up but for now I would relax and enjoy your Christmas, and assume that you'll see each other once you're back like she said.

[MrMan1983]

2 hours ago, Sam1986 said:

How can we deduce that she is not interested? She literally wrote that she wants to reschedule to find a fitting date. If that's not effort then I dont know what is.

Speaking of little time. I just finished my major deadline right now (hooray!) at work, and I haven't been able to see many people the last days/weeks because of how big this delivery is. And right after that, I've booked a flight to see my family (the flight was booked in advance because I knew my deadline was today). And I'll be heading straight for the airport after work tomorrow, and be gone till New Year's. And I have friends who have just as busy schedules now during Christmas time, so it's not that uncommon this time of year.
My point is, its not uncommon to have very tight schedules now around Christmas time, but as long as she shows an interest in trying to reschedule, he's got nothing to worry about.

Agreed, if there was no talk of a reschedule then I would worry but I can't see anything wrong with the exchange given that he's going away soon too.

[Kwothe28]

2 hours ago, Sam1986 said:

How can we deduce that she is not interested? She literally wrote that she wants to reschedule to find a fitting date. If that's not effort then I dont know what is.

 

And yet, the only true effort needs to be from him. To call her so they would maybe reschedule. While she turned him down for before Christmass and after. If she is trully interested she would found the time to see him. And maybe she would. But realistically, they always pull "Oh me so busssssy" excuse when they are not really that interested. Otherwise she wouldnt care and would fit him between work or whatever she has.

3 hours ago, Sam1986 said:

My point is, its not uncommon to have very tight schedules now around Christmas time, but as long as she shows an interest in trying to reschedule, he's got nothing to worry about.

Its also not that uncommon to make time for your friends, family, girfriends and boyfriends. My nephew is coming from Sweden to see his girlfriend. He is also busy there with college and work. And yet he found time. Because that is what people in relationships do. Again, I dunno if OPs girlfriend (or maybe just somebody who he sees, Westerners are having exclusivity aka "we are free to see and have sex with other people" so maybe they are not "exclusive") would make time for him, maybe she will. But from her answers, nah. She seems lukewarm. Like "maybe I will if I manage to squeeze you between my work and having pumpkin spice lattes with my girlfriends" lukewarm. No sense of excitement there. Which tells a bit about their dynamic.

I also think its a fair point rainbow made about the dates itself. And how he calls her to his place instead of an actual date. Again, I dunno, maybe he cooks for her or something but still that is a talk for a "booty call". And that, even after 2 months, its not that uncommon to, for example, spend holidays like New Year Eve together. Which they both seem not to have plans about to spend together. Again, it doesnt seem that serious interest from both sides. I hope I am wrong but that is just my reading here.

[Noffers93]

To clarify the dates, we meet at my place because I live in town (near bars, restaurants) and we go there from mine if we do go out. She has also invited herself over a couple of times and I have asked her over a couple of times, which I usually cook, play board games or go for swims ect with her. There is always some kind of light fun activity/date thing involved 

[Sam1986]

1 hour ago, Noffers93 said:

To clarify the dates, we meet at my place because I live in town (near bars, restaurants) and we go there from mine if we do go out. She has also invited herself over a couple of times and I have asked her over a couple of times, which I usually cook, play board games or go for swims ect with her. There is always some kind of light fun activity/date thing involved 

You've got nothing to worry about.

2 months in and seeing each other 1-2 times a week is quite normal, go at the pace that you two find natural. Some like to go fast, some like to go slow, there is no right answer here as to how fast you two should go or what activities you should do when you're together.
The clue here is that she offered to reschedule, so just do that and take it from there.
As long as you two have quality time together and it feels right, go for it!

[Noffers93]

Just an update. 
 

She messaged me first on Friday saying   “You should learn Little Talks by Monsters and Men and add it to your set list x “.

I said “I know that song, it’s a good one! I’m just out with the boys back home right now but I’ll call you over the weekend x “.

So I called her on Sunday, no answer and sent her a text to call me back. She never did call back.

So I called her again on Tuesday, no answer and left a voice mail saying “ Just on my way back to Newcastle and wondering what you’re upto this week? Keen to see you, missed you, hope you had a good Christmas Call me back when you have the energy. Talk to you soon!”

She didn't call me back. 

So now I’m wondering why she sent me a message to learn that particular song, only to ignore me  from that point on? 

Just a couple of things to note

1) she does have ADHD and has mentioned a few times that she can shut down completely when she’s feeling overwhelmed with life and will just hide in her room for days on end not talking to anyone and there’s nothing anyone can really do when she’s like that. 

2) the song she asked me to learn is about a girl with some form of addiction or depression who goes through rough patches but asks her partner to wait for them while she goes through it, which can be depicted in the lyrics.  
 

[Wiseman2]

10 minutes ago, Noffers93 said:

 I called her on Sunday, no answer and sent her a text to call me back. She never did call back.So I called her again on Tuesday, no answer and left a voice mail. She didn't call me back. 

Very strange. Your messages were fine. Maybe something happened over the holidays for her? Family trouble? An ex? Met someone? Depression? Unfortunately a red flag that she's not responding at all. Is she active on social media? 

[Noffers93]

Not that I’ve noticed. And I’ve also noticed that her location hasn’t changed from her house for days either.
 

Maybe I need to talk to ADHD experts? 

[Jaunty]

1 hour ago, Noffers93 said:

Maybe I need to talk to ADHD experts? 

No, you don't.  I can tell you like this girl and it seemed like things were going well, but you've only known her a short time.   Whether she'd ghosting you because of ADHD, she's lost interest, met somebody else, got COVID,  it's really all the same.  If she's not interested, or not in the right place to date on a deeper level, so be it.

That said - Christmas was just yesterday.  A lot of people are still with their families or doing Boxing Day stuff.  Give her a few days.

[Batya33]

I've had many men and women who I'd met to see if we should be friends contact me randomly.  Unless she is suggesting another date or responding enthusiastically then she's not interested in another date.  Nothing to do with ADHD.  Because it's the holidays I'd text her January 2 and suggest a specific time and public place to meet for a date.