Ghosting between new friends?

[Callia]

Is it just me, or is the habit of ghosting becoming worse than ever before? It's almost like people treat each other like they have no feelings or something...? 

I had lots of friends growing up and simply cannot recall having this problem at any other point in my life....Is this a new thing people are doing?

For example, I went to a meetup a few months ago and a woman there, newly divorced, asked for my number. A few days later I texted her to invite her to a party, and she NEVER responded.

Then I went to another meetup (they are very infrequent where I live because it's a small town) and a young woman there invited me to go shopping. We did, I thought it was pleasant enough, she said "we'll definitely do this again some time." A week later I texted her something we talked about but that I couldn't remember the name of (I thought it would interest her) and also asked how her weekend trip that she was planning went. Four days later, no answer.

Why do people do this and does it ever happen to you? Even worse, being in a small town I could easily bump into these people again at a later date. Awkward!!!

[Batya33]

6 minutes ago, Callia said:

Is it just me, or is the habit of ghosting becoming worse than ever before? It's almost like people treat each other like they have no feelings or something...? 

I had lots of friends growing up and simply cannot recall having this problem at any other point in my life....Is this a new thing people are doing?

For example, I went to a meetup a few months ago and a woman there, newly divorced, asked for my number. A few days later I texted her to invite her to a party, and she NEVER responded.

Then I went to another meetup (they are very infrequent where I live because it's a small town) and a young woman there invited me to go shopping. We did, I thought it was pleasant enough, she said "we'll definitely do this again some time." A week later I texted her something we talked about but that I couldn't remember the name of (I thought it would interest her) and also asked how her weekend trip that she was planning went. Four days later, no answer.

Why do people do this and does it ever happen to you? Even worse, being in a small town I could easily bump into these people again at a later date. Awkward!!!

With potential platonic friends -1,000 times yes.  Yes.  And I don't do that so I feel it like you do.  Typical -meet in person or through a FB group or through friends from FB - person is overly excited to connect - there's some texting - messaging - even sometimes a plan is made - and then silence, no follow up.  I am 57 and married, moved to this city in 2009 and I've made some friends for sure but so many times this flaky nonsense and it bothers me in particular because of the initial excitement.  Be very very appreciative when you meet the people who are reliable -that helps me.  

I even had one end up being my coworker - she just started a couple of weeks ago- never told me she was looking for employment there- we met years ago in person mostly though because she needed job advice (so is that maybe an exception?) but we had tons in common otherwise- she was wishy washy about another meet so I backed off- we've been friends on FB (and LinkedIn) the last 5-7 years - now she says she does want to meet for coffee but I'm not going to put in a ton of effort (I mostly telework, she will be in office).  

I'm sorry and I can relate! I do think it's worse than when I was in my 20s and 30s.

[Wiseman2]

They seem more like casual acquaintances. Unfortunately the insincere "let's do lunch", (that never happens) type of greeting is around, perhaps now its called "ghosting"?

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, Wiseman2 said:

They seem more like casual acquaintances. Unfortunately the insincere "let's do lunch", (that never happens) type of greeting is around, perhaps now its called "ghosting"?

I am talking -for me -not about the let's do lunch which I've had for 40 years or so - but the more concrete "I will text you to get together" then there is texting, then there is an actual plan maybe with condition like "work permitting" - and then there is no follow up or confirmation.  Or there is an invitation like "are you free for coffee next Wednesday at around 10am?" to a person who told me she'd love to meet again -told me that this week -told me she loves meeting in the city where I live- so 5 days ago I suggested this.  She read the message.  Today is Wednesday.  No response and if she replies this morning I'll have to reschedule because no I'm not going to juggle my current day around her last minute response.

[Kwothe28]

I blame social media. It became far too easy to shut down people without any regards on their emotions. Just on a click of the button. So people dont even try sometimes and become detached. Why would they answer you when they could meet somebody new at the click of the button and just as easily drop even them if they dont like them? Again, social media effect lol

[Batya33]

4 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

I blame social media. It became far too easy to shut down people without any regards on their emotions. Just on a click of the button. So people dont even try sometimes and become detached. Why would they answer you when they could meet somebody new at the click of the button and just as easily drop even them if they dont like them? Again, social media effect lol

I blame - ironically- that it’s easier now to change plans - I mean ironic because one would think since it’s easier it’s easier to be reliable. Back in the day - I mean even before answering machines or voicemail- you made a plan typically in advance if it had to be done by landline - and the only real option if there was a last minute change was maybe to call the restaurant or location if possible. And people didn’t wait around if it was a no show.
Also less opportunity to change the plan if landline was the communication (obviously easy if a next door neighbor or coworker etc). mostly we showed up. Mostly we were happy to make a plan in advance. I mean in 2003 - this is extreme- without a cell phone or internet capability my friend and I met in the Rome airport flying there from opposite sides of the country - our flights were due to arrive around the same time. We were able to find a location in the airport to meet. And we did. Also we were both totally reliable about booking the trip and the bed and breakfast etc. I would have gone anyway alone but it would have been very hard. 
By contrast a relative backed out a day or so in advance of a plan with me and claimed she wasn’t focused on what our texts agreed to. It was ridiculous. Totally clear what the plan was. Cost me $100 to do a flight change. 
I agree that flaky types can now blithely say oh yes we’ll text and set up a plan and then ignore a text or an invite. Somehow though I strongly believe a person who’s always been reliable for several or many years - like me - isn’t going to become flaky “because of “ social media. 

[Cherylyn]

Because rudeness seems to be the norm in society.  It's not any different than a lot of motorists who no longer bother with flashing their turn signals before changing lanes in front of you,  turning left or right.  They just do it without warning.  These rude,  selfish habits are ubiquitous. 

Whether you're in a small town,  big city,  with family,  friends or acquaintances,  learn to let it go.  They know what they did and they don't care because you don't matter that much to them.  You're not that important to them.  Should you confront them,  they'll become defensive by either giving you a litany of excuses,  actually become angry at you as if you are at fault or gaslight you.  Take your pick.  It's nothing I hadn't experienced before.  🙄

Expect the worst in people so you're longer shocked by their unsavory behaviors.  You will grow numb to being ignored.  Should they actually treat you with common courtesy and common decency,  be pleasantly surprised and go from there.

[Batya33]

Ironically I now have a "first meet" with a woman I first connected with through Nextdoor - we're going to meet down the block at our local park for a half hour walk or so -with her dog.  I feel cautiously optimistic that she'll show up if at all possible.  She seems really cool and nice. We have a lot in common as well.

[Tinydance]

I think the fact they literally ignored the message was rude. However I don't actually think people have an obligation to be friends because friendship is a choice. I totally understand that it's disappointing when you really want friends and you're hoping that getting to know those people will go somewhere. I think it's rude those women didn't reply at all but I actually don't think it's rude if someone isn't feeling a connection with you and doesn't really have interest in being friends. Maybe they think by not replying they're letting you know that they're not interested and yes it's a brutal way to let you know. Usually what people do is the slow fade and in some ways maybe it's actually worse. When people just keep saying they're busy, maybe you might think they actually are busy but they'll catch up later when they're free. So you might waste your time continuing to contact them.

There are some people who don't mind having many acquaintances. For example I'm happy to have a lot of acquaintances and just people on social media. But there are also people who have strict criteria about having a real click and "vibe" with people and they keep a small friendship circle. I think when you're trying to make friends yes it's good to try but friendship should be natural and organic. People don't have an obligation to be friends with people just to be polite.

[Batya33]

5 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

People don't have an obligation to be friends with people just to be polite.

I agree. I do think it's impolite to make a plan and flake, to promise to text to confirm a plan and flake, to not respond to an invite if the two discussed potentially meeting.  That's about manners not friendship. I spend time to make a plan -I have to check with husband and son and coordinate even if it's just me going, make sure about work -I put in effort - I've had more than one experience where we make a specific plan -where I'm going to travel - and then there's no confirmation - "ghosting"- sometimes it's easy enough to make a plan like tomorrow meeting for a quick walk  - but it's not about expecting someone to want to be my friend but rather act in a reliable and respectful way in planning to meet up.

[Cherylyn]

I feel for you.  I've been ignored, too.  Instead of being ignored,  the decent thing to do is to text graciously or however way to go about it electronically or in person.  Something to the effect of 'Thank you but I'm no longer interested.  However,  I wish you well.'  Something like that,  for example as opposed to being completely cast aside and ignored.  👎 ☹️

Sure,  no one owes you any friendship.  However,  it's still no excuse for you to be treated with disrespect and rudeness. 

Keep in mind that being gracious isn't within everyone's character.  Not everyone has the same considerate manners as you and they have no qualms simply ignoring you which is colder IMHO.  It is indeed passive aggressive behavior but no shock factor here.  It is the way of the world and universal human nature so grow accustomed to it. 

Have thicker skin.   Don't let it get the best of you.  Actually, these types of __________ people are doing you a tremendous favor.  They're demonstrating their true unsavory character to you.  Hence,  this is your opportunity so shop around for the best people who deserve to be in your life and for people (friends or whomever) who deserve to have YOU in their life. 

Look at this affront from a different angle to give you a better perspective,  comfort and your wisdom gained.  Better to know now than waste your time, energy and resources on people who don't matter so you can move on faster.