Why is a healthy relationship SO triggering?

[ilovecats666]

I mean, i know it's a past trauma thing that has to be addressed. It just seems so weird that the first emotionally healthy person you date drags allllll of that trauma right up to the surface. Having someone that chooses to communicate is so wonderful and also the hardest thing to adapt to. It's hard going from being the "more stable" one in every bad relationship to being the one with obvious issues. 

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, ilovecats666 said:

I mean, i know it's a past trauma thing that has to be addressed. It just seems so weird that the first emotionally healthy person you date drags allllll of that trauma right up to the surface. Having someone that chooses to communicate is so wonderful and also the hardest thing to adapt to. It's hard going from being the "more stable" one in every bad relationship to being the one with obvious issues. 

Because it's healthy on paper -maybe- but not healthy for you -not compatible with you.  Many people choose to communicate as you put it - they express themselves appropriately and may even be comfortable expressing vulnerability.  Here's my guess- that kills the thrill of the chase for you -and it could be his "choice to communicate" is a bit much -perhaps he overshares, perhaps it comes across as needy or overwhelming or "too nice."  But for you it means you don't have to wonder how he feels, if he feels, if he wants to see you - he does, he tells you, no keeping you guessing.  You get excited from not knowing where you stand, will he call, does he want me, why is he on social media but he didn't text all day, etc.  

I wouldn't assume he is emotionally healthy -he might be - but choosing to communicate doesn't mean you're doing it in a way that works for the other person.  So there is emotionally healthy but not compatible for you - in a romantic context -there is "oh wow he is so expressive" but really he is a people pleaser which might not work for you, etc.  

I actually like that my husband is more introverted, I like that he doesn't overshare even though it means I sometimes have to drag it out of him or wait it out.  I like that he keeps me on my toes by challenging me, disagreeing with me, etc.  He is a very stable person who "chooses to communicate" differently than me -I tend to the more chatty/extroverted. He can have an hour conversation with a good friend and he didn't think to ask about how the person's kids are or how their recent move went or something I definitely would have asked and he'll say "you're right I forgot to ask that!" But his close friends are so bonded with him - both directions.  Some of his friends - been a 40 plus year friendship.  They just "choose to communicate differently."

I am assuming you mean he freely expresses his emotions.  You always know where you stand.  He is reliable.  So it could be - yes you're used to unavailable men -they seem sexier and more exciting to you - or it could be you're getting a whiff of him tending to the more needy/gushy/overwhelming and choosing to communicate from a position of insecurity instead of reasonable confidence (not arrogance).

Been there done that.  I had to get over that which is why I share it here.  I also loved the sort of distant/cold/somewhat unavailable type -it seemed masculine and exciting and meant I never really had to commit and I confused that type of thrill for lasting click/chemistry/excitement albeit quieter excitement.

Doesn't need to be "past trauma" either -simply could be this doesn't float your boat.  At this point.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, ilovecats666 said:

. It just seems so weird that the first emotionally healthy person you date drags allllll of that trauma right up to the surface. Having someone that chooses to communicate is so wonderful and also the hardest thing to adapt to. 

How long have you been dating? Why type of things are surfacing? Are you still concerned about your family and their reactions?  Perhaps you're just nervous about dating and anxious about your family? Is this the same man?:

 

[Kwothe28]

Oh that is easy. You were "first in village" but now you are "one of the last in town". Means that you are in a very different league now. Where you are not on a level that you can handle a healthy relationship. 

Its not so bad position to be with. As long as you are willing to work to get on the right level of emotional stability to handle and accept a healthy relationship.

[Sam1986]

Maybe you have a skewed definition of "healthy". I'm not saying your relationship is unhealthy (need more information for that), but just because someone is communicating like an open book, doesnt necessarily equal a healthy relationship.

My ex from 3 years ago very vocal about all her issues, and she would talk about these insecurities all the time. Heck, she would even go into a rage if I didn't give her the response she desired when she was talking about them, and the relationship was extremely drama filled and eventually completely drained me. That was definitely not a healthy relationship, not for me at least. I personally strongly dislike it when people raise their voices and can't talk about things in a calm and rational manner, while she had an extreme temper and would swing from loving to angry (and back again through an interim of crying). This is a trait that I know that I'm personally not compatible with, and was therefore very unhealthy for me. She of course insisted that I was the unhealthy one who would (or could) not communicate by showing raw and unfiltered emotions, but having experienced recent love again, I know that this isnt necessarily a fact, and more of a desire that she had personally.

[jadedjadedjaded]

10 hours ago, ilovecats666 said:

Having someone that chooses to communicate is so wonderful and also the hardest thing to adapt to. It's hard going from being the "more stable" one in every bad relationship to being the one with obvious issues. 

I would think of them less as issues and more as parts of yourself that need a little more TLC. We are only capable of receiving the love we think we deserve. Do you feel like you deserve the very best? Because you do! 

[Cherylyn]

I've noticed that some happy people including myself in many respects,  don't want to feel dragged down by other people's serious or miserable woes.  I can relate.  After awhile,  a person's depressing stories start to wear on you as if you're their free therapist.  I know some people who harbor very painful baggage and while I have compassion for them,  many times they habitually dump their problems onto me which can feel selfish and burdensome.  I hear you.  A lot of people can't simply have a good time and the conversation has to turn dark which is so sad that I can't handle it as you can attest.  In other words,  my sympathy card eventually expires. 

My suggestion for you is to date a person who is very stable,  content and secure.  This in turn will make you feel more comfortable with your date.

[Jaunty]

This is the first time I've ever heard of a healthy relationship being triggering.  

In my past sketchy relationship history,  I was in unhealthy ones.  I was part of the unhealthiness - but still I was very triggered by all of the crap.  

When those days were behind me I was not "triggered" just from being in a healthy relationship, not at all.  In fact, being "triggered" is not something that happens to me much anymore because I understand myself and I am not very reactive even to painful things.  It's possible to just go through the feelings.

So ... what you are experiencing, IMO, may not be "triggered due to healthy relationship."

[rainbowsandroses]

15 hours ago, ilovecats666 said:

I mean, i know it's a past trauma thing that has to be addressed. It just seems so weird that the first emotionally healthy person you date drags allllll of that trauma right up to the surface. Having someone that chooses to communicate is so wonderful and also the hardest thing to adapt to. It's hard going from being the "more stable" one in every bad relationship to being the one with obvious issues. 

John Gray discusses this in his Mars/Venus series of books, articles and videos. 

As humans beings we tend to suppress painful emotions and trauma, bury them deep within which allows us to carry on in life. 

When we meet that special someone and bond and with whom we feel safe emotionally, all those painful emotions and trauma we've been suppressing begin to rise to the surface, we feel safe enough emotionally to sort of unload our painful past trauma on to our new "stable" partner after which it all gets released into the Universe. 

This has happened to me more than once, which also confused me but now I understand it.

You're not crazy and you don’t have "issues" other than the past trauma you've been suppressing up till now since you met someone with whom you feel 'safe.'

It's all part of the healing process.  Be patient with yourself it may take time, but eventually all the trauma from your past will rise up to the surface and get released and you can move forward with your new partner!

 

 

[rainbowsandroses]

4 hours ago, Cherylyn said:

My suggestion for you is to date a person who is very stable,  content and secure.  This in turn will make you feel more comfortable with your date.

OP, correct me if I'm wrong but I read her post as HER being  the one with the past trauma that she's been suppressing.

But since meeting this great person who is stable and knows how to communicate, and with whom she feels safe (i.e. her definition of healthy relationship), all that trauma is rising to the surface to be addressed and released.

Where she's normally been the stable partner, she now feels unstable with "obvious issues". 

Her last sentence of her original post. 

[Cherylyn]

If this person is great,  knows how to communicate and you feel safe,  be grateful and thank your lucky stars. 🌟

However,  be careful and cautious.  You don't want to chase your partner away by thinking this partner is indispensable,  someone whom you can constantly dump your problems onto and drain this partner dry.  Being with a person who has a lot of baggage can be taxing if you don't handle the relationship with consideration in mind.  Tread lightly.  Be reasonable.  Never burn a person out by thinking they're your therapist or crutch. 

[rainbowsandroses]

8 minutes ago, Cherylyn said:

If this person is great,  knows how to communicate and you feel safe,  be grateful and thank your lucky stars. 🌟

However,  be careful and cautious.  You don't want to chase your partner away by thinking this partner is indispensable,  someone whom you can constantly dump your problems onto and drain this partner dry.  Being with a person who has a lot of baggage can be taxing if you don't handle the relationship with consideration in mind.  Tread lightly.  Be reasonable.  Never burn a person out by thinking they're your therapist or crutch. 

I agree.  As the painful emotions and trauma rise up, it's best to sort it all out with a qualified therapist.

However and what's happened to me, is that my partner has encouraged me to open up, HE wants to help me sort it out. 

THAT is actually when the painful emotions really have a chance to rise up given your new partner is so patient and understanding.

[rainbowsandroses]

It's kind of like (for example) when you experience a death of someone close (painful emotion) and you're dealing with it just fine, you haven't even cried yet.

Then someone comes along who offers sympathy and condolences and suddenly the painful emotions rise to the surface and you break out in tears!! 

This has happened to me even months after the death.  It's very common to suppress pain and get triggered later after meeting someone who again allows us to feel safe. 

It's happened to me many times which is what prompted me to learn more about it and understand why it happens. 

[Cherylyn]

43 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

I agree.  As the painful emotions and trauma rise up, it's best to sort it all out with a qualified therapist.

However and what's happened to me, is that my partner has encouraged me to open up, HE wants to help me sort it out. 

THAT is actually when the painful emotions really have a chance to rise up given your new partner is so patient and understanding.

I agree,  only if your partner is on board with your sharing your painful memories or past.

I actually place myself in their shoes.  If it's all I hear morning,  noon and night,  I'd go crazy with other people's problems ad nauseum.  Most people need a break from it. 

Other subjects can be discussed too instead of the endless,  constant 'woe is me' stories which can get old real fast or after a while. 

[lostandhurt]

It sounds like you were once the in a previous relationship the A student because your other classmate was a dunce but now that you are hanging out with smart kids you feel a lot less smart.

 Do you feel overshadowed by your partner?  They seem to have it all together and it makes you feel like you are a mess?

 Do view this as a good thing or a bad thing?  As will it help you aspire to more or will it depress you so much you stop wanting to grow since you think you are not worthy?

Lost

[Capricorn3]

4 hours ago, Jaunty said:

This is the first time I've ever heard of a healthy relationship being triggering. 

^ Same here.  I consider myself to be in a very healthy relationship and I don't understand where "triggering" comes into it.  I don't get it 🤔

[ilovecats666]

8 hours ago, Jaunty said:

This is the first time I've ever heard of a healthy relationship being triggering.  

In my past sketchy relationship history,  I was in unhealthy ones.  I was part of the unhealthiness - but still I was very triggered by all of the crap.  

When those days were behind me I was not "triggered" just from being in a healthy relationship, not at all.  In fact, being "triggered" is not something that happens to me much anymore because I understand myself and I am not very reactive even to painful things.  It's possible to just go through the feelings.

So ... what you are experiencing, IMO, may not be "triggered due to healthy relationship."

I think it more just shines a light on everything I have to work on in a way that toxic relationships never did. And it's good, I'm not trying to complain about it. But it's hard in a whole new way.

[ilovecats666]

3 hours ago, Capricorn3 said:

^ Same here.  I consider myself to be in a very healthy relationship and I don't understand where "triggering" comes into it.  I don't get it 🤔

It shines a light on everything that I need to work on. I notice it more when I'm not having to "baby" my partner"s feelings so much like I'm used to. And therefore I have to turn into myself and see how I feel without care taking someone else's emotions for once 

[ilovecats666]

4 hours ago, lostandhurt said:

It sounds like you were once the in a previous relationship the A student because your other classmate was a dunce but now that you are hanging out with smart kids you feel a lot less smart.

 Do you feel overshadowed by your partner?  They seem to have it all together and it makes you feel like you are a mess?

 Do view this as a good thing or a bad thing?  As will it help you aspire to more or will it depress you so much you stop wanting to grow since you think you are not worthy?

Lost

Very much. That's an excellent way to put it. I'm used to having to be the mature one. And it's finally not the case. And yes, him being SO calm and communicative makes me realize how many things I need to work on because I have a hard time with both. 

Its a positive. He's a good partner. I just find it interesting that it's a bigger struggle for me 

[ilovecats666]

5 hours ago, Cherylyn said:

I agree,  only if your partner is on board with your sharing your painful memories or past.

I actually place myself in their shoes.  If it's all I hear morning,  noon and night,  I'd go crazy with other people's problems ad nauseum.  Most people need a break from it. 

Other subjects can be discussed too instead of the endless,  constant 'woe is me' stories which can get old real fast or after a while. 

Definitely. I do see a therapist, and do my best to not dump on him. It just projects light onto my issues in a way that doesn't happen in a toxic setting 

[ilovecats666]

6 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

It's kind of like (for example) when you experience a death of someone close (painful emotion) and you're dealing with it just fine, you haven't even cried yet.

Then someone comes along who offers sympathy and condolences and suddenly the painful emotions rise to the surface and you break out in tears!! 

This has happened to me even months after the death.  It's very common to suppress pain and get triggered later after meeting someone who again allows us to feel safe. 

It's happened to me many times which is what prompted me to learn more about it and understand why it happens. 

Yes! Its finally a safe space. And that's the problem and the solution 😂

[ilovecats666]

6 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

I agree.  As the painful emotions and trauma rise up, it's best to sort it all out with a qualified therapist.

However and what's happened to me, is that my partner has encouraged me to open up, HE wants to help me sort it out. 

THAT is actually when the painful emotions really have a chance to rise up given your new partner is so patient and understanding.

100%. When it's a safe space it's HARD even though it's wonderful. 

[ilovecats666]

6 hours ago, Cherylyn said:

If this person is great,  knows how to communicate and you feel safe,  be grateful and thank your lucky stars. 🌟

However,  be careful and cautious.  You don't want to chase your partner away by thinking this partner is indispensable,  someone whom you can constantly dump your problems onto and drain this partner dry.  Being with a person who has a lot of baggage can be taxing if you don't handle the relationship with consideration in mind.  Tread lightly.  Be reasonable.  Never burn a person out by thinking they're your therapist or crutch. 

I agree. Thankfully I have a long time therapist who is great. It's just new to me to have a relationship that's a safe space. 

I am very grateful for him. And his stability. And I tell him that often. And when I do go off the rails, I always apologize and own it. I try to make a huge point to not be a burden.

[ilovecats666]

6 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

OP, correct me if I'm wrong but I read her post as HER being  the one with the past trauma that she's been suppressing.

But since meeting this great person who is stable and knows how to communicate, and with whom she feels safe (i.e. her definition of healthy relationship), all that trauma is rising to the surface to be addressed and released.

Where she's normally been the stable partner, she now feels unstable with "obvious issues". 

Her last sentence of her original post. 

Correct. The problem one is me not him 😂

[Capricorn3]

1 minute ago, ilovecats666 said:

 When it's a safe space it's HARD even though it's wonderful. 

^ Now you see, THIS is the part that I don't get, lol.  Safe place is supposed to be easy, calming, contentment, soothing, etc,  "Safe place" and "hard" just don't work together in my pea brain, lol.