Should I be overthinking this

[Pat123]

I have made myself look dumb in the past for continuing to pursue a girl so this new situation I can’t tell if I’m overthinking because of this past experience or if I am now aware. I have been going on dates with this girl for a few weeks, we’ve been on 3 dates in two weeks. On our third date we cuddled and kissed and everything was going great, I was really excited because we got along really well and teased each other a lot.
 

Two days after our third date she asked me to do something but I couldn’t because I was working. She jokingly texted me to quit and disliked my text I told her I would make up for it Sunday which was our next planned date two days later. The day before I start to get sick so I tell her ahead of time that I will still be in good health to go on the date but if you’d rather not risk getting sick we could push it to another date. I don’t hear from her till the next day and she says best if we wait.

Sunday night I ask her how her week looks and she says she started another job and won’t have much free time but she could maybe Friday or Saturday. This raises alarm bells in my head because it’s usually a typical cop out answer but I try not to overanalyse it. I tell her I’ll try to work that into my schedule and ask her to let me know about Saturday since I have a bit of time in the evening between my two jobs. 
 

Monday she reminds about her favourite candy and I take the hint and buy her some. We don’t talk until Wednesday night after I drop the candy off on her doorstep. She texts saying thank you and I ask about her job and she asks about how school is going for me. Before I go to bed I text let me know how your meeting goes tomorrow and hope to see you soon. She answers okay!!! Goodnight I’ll let you know how it goes tomorrow, have a good sleep. Again I may be overthinking but it seems she kinda skimmed over the see you soon part. The reason why I am looking for others opinions is because I don’t just want to give up talking to her since I enjoy it so much but I also don’t want to feel stupid again, it just feels like there’s been a change the last few days and I don’t know why. 

[Wiseman2]

Do you have another date lined up specifically? Perhaps she's disappointed or wondering herself why you're busy or cancelling? The candy was a nice gesture but how come you're not setting up another date? 

[Pat123]

51 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Do you have another date lined up specifically? Perhaps she's disappointed or wondering herself why you're busy or cancelling? The candy was a nice gesture but how come you're not setting up another date? 

I don’t know when she’s available. You are right I get what you’re saying but when she says she doesn’t have a lot of free time it’s confusing and for whatever reason texting got slower the last few days, the night I dropped off the candy it was fast but otherwise pretty slow and if confused because it was an overnight change. I also didn’t cancel our last date, I just said I was getting sick but would still down to go if she was. I am going to plan another date tomorrow tho.

[Kwothe28]

I am not a fan of "candy gesture". Yes, its sweet. But its also somebody you just got out on 3 dates. And second and more importantly, you dont have to act like a common simp for somebody who is:

a) requesting stuff from you after 3 dates and gets mad when you cant do it

b) expecting stuff like her favorite candy in general

c) isnt appreciative of stuff you do for her to the point she gives you a one note answers and cop- outs about hext date (well to be fair you couldnt do it last time but she isnt really enthusiastic about it and gives you common "I am busy" excuses)

If she still gives you excuses for next date I would suggest to dial it down. Completely. Its fine that you want to do stuff and doing stuff for her. But again I think its too early and that she isnt appreciative toward your gestures so you shouldnt do it.

What was the problem with previous pursuits? Did you also overdone it with gestures?

[kim42]

I'd just ask her if she's still free to hang out on Friday or Saturday. I think it's better to be direct in these situations rather than overanalyzing text messages and trying to read in between the lines.

If she replies with something vague, then I'd step back.

Also, I think the candy thing was maybe a little too much, I know you meant well but it's been only 3 dates.

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, kim42 said:

I'd just ask her if she's still free to hang out on Friday or Saturday. I think it's better to be direct in these situations rather than overanalyzing text messages and trying to read in between the lines.

If she replies with something vague, then I'd step back.

Also, I think the candy thing was maybe a little too much, I know you meant well but it's been only 3 dates.

Agree- also fair or otherwise when "I'm sick/getting sick" comes up right in the beginning and  then it's tentative is -a fact of life -but the timing can seem suspicious.  Timing and momentum play a role in early dating.  You did the right thing of course just unfortunate timing.  I agree with Kim's advice as to how to proceed.

[smackie9]

The candy thing was a $%^& test. She's being insecure so she starts to play games. IMO she's trouble.

[Pat123]

5 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

I am not a fan of "candy gesture". Yes, its sweet. But its also somebody you just got out on 3 dates. And second and more importantly, you dont have to act like a common simp for somebody who is:

a) requesting stuff from you after 3 dates and gets mad when you cant do it

b) expecting stuff like her favorite candy in general

c) isnt appreciative of stuff you do for her to the point she gives you a one note answers and cop- outs about hext date (well to be fair you couldnt do it last time but she isnt really enthusiastic about it and gives you common "I am busy" excuses)

If she still gives you excuses for next date I would suggest to dial it down. Completely. Its fine that you want to do stuff and doing stuff for her. But again I think its too early and that she isnt appreciative toward your gestures so you shouldnt do it.

What was the problem with previous pursuits? Did you also overdone it with gestures?

She never got mad, she was appreciative. I also don’t see how buying a 5$ bag of candy is dump behaviour, I hear flowers are bought all the time. As for previous pursuits was never the gestures I just kept pursuing 

[Pat123]

24 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

The candy thing was a $%^& test. She's being insecure so she starts to play games. IMO she's trouble.

Insecure about what exactly?

[smackie9]

10 minutes ago, Pat123 said:

Insecure about what exactly?

Well why do women do $%^& tests? They want to measure how much you are into them, and what lengths you are will to go. It's a form of manipulation. Kinda like pulling strings on a puppet.

[Wiseman2]

8 hours ago, Pat123 said:

Monday she reminds about her favourite candy and I take the hint and buy her some. We don’t talk until Wednesday night after I drop the candy off on her doorstep. She texts saying thank you and I ask about her job and she asks about how school is going for me. 

It's unclear why you're not asking her out?  All this dialogue and dropping off candy but no dates, especially since you couldn't make the first or second suggestion she made.

Hopefully you're not coming across as "too busy" or unavailable or uninterested. It doesn't seem like she's testing you or insecure, it seems like trying to get together with you is like pulling teeth for her. 

[Kwothe28]

7 hours ago, Pat123 said:

She never got mad, she was appreciative. I also don’t see how buying a 5$ bag of candy is dump behaviour, I hear flowers are bought all the time. As for previous pursuits was never the gestures I just kept pursuing 

Its not the gift that is the problem, I myself gifted flowers many times. Its just that she expects you to hop whenever she says "jump". Which is way too much even for a serious relationship, let alone somebody you got on 3 dates. And shows that she is either spoiled, manipulative or both. Neither of those combinations is good for you.

Edit Also, its Thursday. Has she messaged and is she still "sooooo busy" to have a date?

[Sam1986]

On 11/23/2023 at 3:03 PM, smackie9 said:

The candy thing was a $%^& test. She's being insecure so she starts to play games. IMO she's trouble.

How is that a test? She gave him a hint that she likes some sort of candy, I don't see how that is a test in the way the OP phrased it, because she never asked him to come over with it.
What is weird however is that the OP bothered to drop off some candy at her doorstep, especially after just a couple of dates. Gestures such as these are in my opinion way over the top, especially this early, which can be off-putting (it would almost certainly be if someone did that to me after 3 dates).

I don't think any alarm bells should be going off at all here. You had 3 dates, and she can't date during the weekdays that one week because of a new job. Fine, reschedule and work out a new date, she even countered and said that the weekend seemed fine, so I really don't see how you should worry here.

Are you perhaps a bit inexperienced in dating? Because this does sound a lot like insecurity to me. I should know, because I had similar traits in my 20s. These days I just brush it off, as long as she makes some effort to offer alternative dates, then I see no problem. If she gave you short answers (1-2 sentences) after several hours/days later with no excuse and no dates planned then sure, you can assume she's less than thrilled about dating you. But in that case there's no need for alarm bells either, ball is in her court and you can do whatever you want to do in the meantime.

[smackie9]

1 hour ago, Sam1986 said:

How is that a test? She gave him a hint that she likes some sort of candy, I don't see how that is a test in the way the OP phrased it, because she never asked him to come over with it.
What is weird however is that the OP bothered to drop off some candy at her doorstep, especially after just a couple of dates. Gestures such as these are in my opinion way over the top, especially this early, which can be off-putting (it would almost certainly be if someone did that to me after 3 dates).

I don't think any alarm bells should be going off at all here. You had 3 dates, and she can't date during the weekdays that one week because of a new job. Fine, reschedule and work out a new date, she even countered and said that the weekend seemed fine, so I really don't see how you should worry here.

Are you perhaps a bit inexperienced in dating? Because this does sound a lot like insecurity to me. I should know, because I had similar traits in my 20s. These days I just brush it off, as long as she makes some effort to offer alternative dates, then I see no problem. If she gave you short answers (1-2 sentences) after several hours/days later with no excuse and no dates planned then sure, you can assume she's less than thrilled about dating you. But in that case there's no need for alarm bells either, ball is in her court and you can do whatever you want to do in the meantime.

"Monday she reminds about her favourite candy" Meaning she brought this up AGAIN....like go fetch.

[lostandhurt]

Okay let's stop worrying about candy and her work schedule and focus on the next date.  All that other stuff is just supposition.

 "I am free Friday or Saturday evening for dinner, what day works for you"  Straight to the point with no wishy washness in there.  You ask her to dinner or what ever in a direct manner so you can get a direct answer.  THEN you have the information you need to decide your next move.

Also we all have done and looked stupid while dating so don't worry about that.  Just keep learning from mistakes and moving forward.

Lost

[catfeeder]

You're the one who's cancelling dates and hedging on the next one, not her. Your reasons may have been valid, but what's with the wishy-washy response to her telling you when she's free?

Make a date, and keep it. If you fear her losing interest, why aren't you doing that?