Ready to give up on finding love...

[victoria1983]

I’m 40 years old and I’ve been single for about 5.5 years now. Some background information about me- I have a good job, and several hobbies and interests that I’m passionate about. I have an MA degree, have travelled quite a bit, and also have made a name for myself in my community in my chosen creative endeavour. I am also 2 years sober and take care of my health by eating right and exercising regularly.  Self growth/improvement is very important to me and I am in therapy always trying to better myself and work through my issues (I have been diagnosed with generalised anxiety disorder, but have been managing it well).  I am attractive and get a lot of attention when I go out (which in a way, makes my situation even more depressing, but more on that later). I think it's also worth mentioning that I don't have any children and want to remain child-free. 

 

It’s just…over these past 5.5 years I have had just SO many disappointing/cruel/awful experiences with dating, that I am just struggling so hard right now keeping any hope for finding love alive. I know what I want in a partner and my standards are high (though not unreasonable, I think?), so I feel like this makes finding a match in the current dating climate next to impossible.

 

The experiences I’ve had range from dates with no chemistry, to being love-bombed and basically ghosted, to really inappropriate/creepy behaviour,  to being strung along for months, then have the other person pick someone else they like better than me, etc, etc 😞

 

Honestly I am so fed up with so much of the inconsiderate, dishonourable actions from men with dating I’ve been subjected to over these past 5.5 years.  Going into detail about it would result in a multi-chapter post. For example, I’ve been on dates where they are:

 -completely different from how they look in the picture

-Laughing about their dead ex gf

-getting angry at me because I tried asking about their education background

-try to take me furniture shopping on the first date and get angry when I say I’m not comfortable

-saying racist/sexist/homophobic things, etc,etc

 

It’s like, so many of them have not done/won’t even bother to do the work on themselves, and end up hurting others (i.e- me) as a result. I’m not expecting people to be perfect, but just the lack of emotional maturity/accountability I’m seeing from people around my age is beyond appalling. 

 

And UGH, the FLAKINESS!!  Like making plans for a date and not following up, or just holding me to a ‘maybe’ and then cancelling at the 11th hour because they are feeling “too tired”. 

 

Obviously I try to weed these people out quickly, but it gets so exhausting/disheartening at a certain point

 

As I said earlier, I get a lot of attention because of my appearance, but it’s very superficial and I feel like no one wants to get to know the ‘real’ me, or care about me in a meaningful way 😞 (Of course, the ones that do want to get to know me and seem like they genuinely care are the ones I’m not attracted to…)

 

I have a high sex drive, but with my standards and being in sobriety, I am barely having sex with anyone, and going 6 months with no sexual contact starts to take its toll on me.

 

I know that being single is FAR better than being in a toxic/stagnant relationship with the wrong person (been there before), and I also know it’s important to have a good relationship with yourself first and be content with being on your own, and I AM for the most part, but I’m not gonna pretend that I don’t want someone in my life that I’m excited about and want to share certain things with.

 

I am also sick of people telling me cliches like “focus on yourself.” I HAVE BEEN focusing on myself and would continue to do so even in a relationship. Also “It’ll happen when you stop looking.” Sorry, but I don’t totally believe that. All those people who meet through online dating, being set up through friends, etc, clearly they are putting in effort by actively looking. I feel those cliches are what people fall back on saying because the truth of: ‘‘Yeah you might be one of the unlucky ones to experience soul crushing loneliness for the rest of your life” Is just so heartbreaking 😞 

 

So now I’m at the point where I think I’ve run out of patience for more disappointment. I am thinking that the pain of being alone and never meeting a partner that I’m excited about is better than yet another bad dating experience. My jadedness is deepening and my heart is closing. 

 

I guess with this post…  I’m trying to see if there’s anyone else in a similar situation to me and how they’re navigating? Have other people given up looking and found peace? Or found a way to keep trying? 

 

(Thank you for listening ❤️ There’s something to be said about pouring your frustrations out to complete strangers on an internet forum…)

[dias]

If you find an answer, please let me know. 

[Jaunty]

Here's my advice:

Try to stop looking and at the same time steer clear of the idea of "giving up."

Since you are sober you are probably familiar with the concept of "letting go."

Just let go of it.   Spend your time and energy on things that give back to you.  Those things might include doing things of service to others.  Volunteer work of some kind.  Those things give back in a big way.

At some later time you may well decide to start looking & trying.  I understand that it may be necessary - I am not telling you that "when you stop looking Mr. Right will suddenly appear" and not suggesting that you are going to probably meet him in a soup kitchen or hospice house.  Nope.

But you need a reset.

[Sindy_0311]

Well my advice (won’t be others opinion I guess) is to lower your standards and start dating men casually… just meet them, have some fun meeting new people without the pressure of having to find THE one. What will happen if you actually never find mister right? Will you stay in your corner for years without sex or fun? Such a waist of time. Lucky you you are actually single, without kids, so you can do WHATEVER you want!! You are free!! 
How about someone tells you tomorrow that you will never find your mister right… what would you do with your life? 

I’m also 40, single and dating, I know what you are talking about 😉

[victoria1983]

@Jaunty Thanks for this. In my sobriety, I have been helping friends who've been reaching out to me, struggling with their own addiction issues. Lately I've been thinking that I should lean into this more, by volunteering at an addiction centre or something like that. Your reply is giving me the extra motivation to make that step... 🙂

 

@Sindy_0311 Thank you for your reply and I'm glad you can relate 🙂 I actually have been dating "casually" as well with no big expectations for certain people, but sadly even those people end up being flaky or doing something that makes me uncomfortable 😞 As for "what would you do for the rest of your life" I'm already doing it, my life is pretty full, but it still doesn't shake the loneliness over certain things that I would like to share with someone else...

[boltnrun]

1 hour ago, victoria1983 said:

 😞(Of course, the ones that do want to get to know me and seem like they genuinely care are the ones I’m not attracted to…)

Why is this? What is unattractive about these men?

Do you feel men are more "valuable" or "attractive" if you have to chase them or convince them to be with you?

[victoria1983]

14 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Why is this? What is unattractive about these men?

Do you feel men are more "valuable" or "attractive" if you have to chase them or convince them to be with you?

admittedly, I used to feel that way a lot more regarding unavailable men. I'm getting better losing interest when they don't express any. it's definitely something I'm working at

When i'm talking about the people that like me that I'm not attracted to, it can be for a variety of reasons i.e) lack of physical attraction, not a lot of shared goals/interests, lack of a sense of humour (which is pretty important to me), etc.. standard stuff I think...

[Kwothe28]

All the work we do on ourselves, we do it for us. Your choice in education, sobriety, is ultimately your own. And its good that you did it. But magically expecting for others to recognise that and to get the same partner is not really achivable sometimes.

What we think deserve and what we can get are ultimately 2 different things. I would also ask about your "high standards". Is it just the looks and education? Is it also high earning job? Is it also something else? Because I might have to tell you something that will rub you the wrong way. Guys who have all that you are looking for, also have options. Options that are, sorry to say that, not 40 year old. Sure, you have attention of men. But do you see how that men you choose turn out? Superficial, narcissist, rude. Because they also picked you for the look. And because if you say "No" to them, there is a fresh 20 year old down the corner. 

Do you want to know why those men are very superficial? Because you picked them that way. And because you also seem to be that way. So I am sorry, but if you dont change that outlook, this is what you would get. Superficial narcissoids who dont care about you. And who would can you tomorrow for some younger model. So, if you want a long term relationship maybe you should look some other qualities in your future partner that are not so superficial. If you want them to look at you not for your looks, maybe not pick them just based on looks. 

Btw all you described is pretty standard for somebody who uses dating apps. So I am going to assume you are on them. That is also a modern problem for both sexes. You said you have hobbies and interests. Maybe get more social about them and try to meet somebody through them.

[victoria1983]

16 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

would also ask about your "high standards". Is it just the looks and education? Is it also high earning job? Is it also something else?

When I'm talking about high standards, a lot of it has to do with how they treat me and other people. They do not necessarily have to have a high earning job nor be super conventionally attractive or anything like that.

I don't think it's unreasonable to want someone who can support themselves financially and that I'm attracted to (a lot of this attraction is based on personality and how they carry themselves. the narcissism and superficiality you described are turn offs for me).

I appreciate your reply, but there are a lot of unfair assumptions there.

[boltnrun]

1 hour ago, victoria1983 said:

admittedly, I used to feel that way a lot more regarding unavailable men. I'm getting better losing interest when they don't express any. it's definitely something I'm working at

When i'm talking about the people that like me that I'm not attracted to, it can be for a variety of reasons i.e) lack of physical attraction, not a lot of shared goals/interests, lack of a sense of humour (which is pretty important to me), etc.. standard stuff I think...

Is it coincidental that the men you are not attracted to are the ones who are attracted to you?  There seems to be a connection there.

[Batya33]

So silly about stop looking. I was told that too. I married at 42. 21 years after I wanted to be married - married in general I don’t mean I waited 21 years for a particular guy lol. By age 28 I had a grad degree and had had a prestigious job and career for a few years (I interned there during grad school and was asked to come back after graduation). I did not wear my professional hat while dating and did not date men who felt “intimidated” by my professional or academic success. For the most part I was treated with respect and like a lady and dating was a really hard part time job.  I met over 100 men through a dating site. And many many blind dates. I originally met my husband at work many years ago. 
Also what is true is “don’t be/come across desperate “ that is while you’re being proactive   about finding a partner.

I strongly believe we can focus on ourselves AND grow in our relationships  But while you had your drinking issues I am not sure it was a great idea to be dating  

I still suffer flakes in forming new friendships and it annoys me to no end because I am reliable to a fault   I met a lot of flakes when I dated and I simply had strong standards and didn’t meet anyone who wouldn’t plan a first meet ASAP   - whoever asked (I let the man ask for the first real date)   

How soon do you choose to have sex in dating ? How soon are you asked if you’re ready to have sex? You’d mentioned your high sex drive but obviously you can have one and choose to wait to have intercourse. Perhaps the men you’re picking see you as more of a conquest than a person with serious potential ? 
I’ll share this. I have a male friend who is good looking and successful and divorced many years in his early 60s. My female friend is single and really attractive and professional in her early 60s.  He is visiting our city this weekend. And is like a mile from where she lives. He visits here a few times a year and lives a few hundred miles away. Anyway a couple of months ago I connected them as a potential date. He called her. They spoke. Got along.  He told me - ok I liked her and gave her my contact info and I am a gentleman so it’s up to her to call. I don’t want to be pushy and ask for all her information. 
i said “no - I am sure she’s like me and will not call. She’s expecting you to call again and suggest to meet when you’re next in town”.  He refused. I stayed out of it. 
he texted her yesterday and said he was meeting me and was with  a friend. She assumed the friend was a girlfriend. And found it odd that according to her he never had called again and out in no effort. I explained his perspective (hadn’t told her back then) and we both agreed it was ridiculous. She told me she’d meet him for coffee before he leaves town if he asks. So u did text him and he will text her. 
I share this because — I mean he’s really smart. And has dated and been in many relationships and be married. I don’t comprehend the cluelessness about never calling her again to be a “gentleman “. So don’t always assume flakiness I guess ….

[Kwothe28]

49 minutes ago, victoria1983 said:

I appreciate your reply, but there are a lot of unfair assumptions there.

That is fair. After all I dont know you but was going from what you wtote.

For example, its peculiar that all your dates turn out to be that bad. I mean, I had my share of bad first dates. But can never say that they are that horrible people. While yours are trully very bad. So again, ask yourself about your standards and why you pick them in that way.

[Sindy_0311]

1 hour ago, Kwothe28 said:

What we think deserve and what we can get are ultimately 2 different things. I would also ask about your "high standards". Is it just the looks and education? Is it also high earning job? Is it also something else? Because I might have to tell you something that will rub you the wrong way. Guys who have all that you are looking for, also have options. Options that are, sorry to say that, not 40 year old. Sure, you have attention of men. But do you see how that men you choose turn out? Superficial, narcissist, rude. Because they also picked you for the look. And because if you say "No" to them, there is a fresh 20 year old down the corner. 

That was harsh. But somehow I agree… maybe we should start looking for 50 years old guys. I mean, you (and I) are 40 and it extremely thigtens our options… you can be good looking but your age doesn’t lie… 

My general opinion is that younger guys will date you casually, or not long term relationship oriented. And the guys our age would try to look for younger women, like 36-37… I think that 40 is the worse age for a woman in the jungle of dating. JMO 

[Batya33]

5 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

That was harsh. But somehow I agree… maybe we should start looking for 50 years old guys. I mean, you (and I) are 40 and it extremely thigtens our options… you can be good looking but your age doesn’t lie… 

My general opinion is that younger guys will date you casually, or not long term relationship oriented. And the guys our age would try to look for younger women, like 36-37… I think that 40 is the worse age for a woman in the jungle of dating. JMO 

I was turning 39 when I met my husband - again - but OP doesn’t want kids. I did. So yes it was a horrible age to be trying to find a husband and start a family. My husband is 3 months younger. Most men I met in my later 30s wanted a younger woman if they wanted a child. 
I didn’t settle at all. Got all in my list and then some. And my list included well educated, ambitious, good career, financially stable and obviously chemistry and passion. And a person of character and integrity and solid values and compatible religious values. 

[Sindy_0311]

3 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I was turning 39 when I met my husband - again - but OP doesn’t want kids. I did. So yes it was a horrible age to be trying to find a husband and start a family. My husband is 3 months younger. Most men I met in my later 30s wanted a younger woman if they wanted a child. 

I see. But luckily you found him!! I think it doesn’t have to do only with men wanting children, but also the famous «40s crisis» men experience. They look at their life, at what they achieved, already had children, a family, good job, earned money, got responsabilities and now what they want is to have some fun, or at least enjoy themselves and feel more free… again JMHO 

[Batya33]

7 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

I see. But luckily you found him!! I think it doesn’t have to do only with men wanting children, but also the famous «40s crisis» men experience. They look at their life, at what they achieved, already had children, a family, good job, earned money, got responsabilities and now what they want is to have some fun, or at least enjoy themselves and feel more free… again JMHO 

I disagree with your generalization both the gender part and the stereotype about mid life crisis. I was partly lucky. Partly it was extremely hard work on my part. Painful at times. I didn’t look back in anything but I was painfully aware that my opportunity to be a biological mom was fast disappearing. That part was so so so lucky still can’t believe I was able to conceive so much later in life. 

[Sindy_0311]

4 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I disagree with your generalization both the gender part and the stereotype about mid life crisis. I was partly lucky. Partly it was extremely hard work on my part. Painful at times. I didn’t look back in anything but I was painfully aware that my opportunity to be a biological mom was fast disappearing. That part was so so so lucky still can’t believe I was able to conceive so much later in life. 

I said luckily, because let’s face it, you dated a hundred guys before ending up with your husband… I will have dated a hundred if I go on like this when I will be 50😂

[Kwothe28]

42 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

That was harsh. But somehow I agree… maybe we should start looking for 50 years old guys. I mean, you (and I) are 40 and it extremely thigtens our options… you can be good looking but your age doesn’t lie… 

 

I dont think its an age thing. More of a particular kind of man thing. She freely admits she can find a man of her own age that would be interested in her qualities. She just doesnt get interested in those men. And that is fine. But then there is the disparity with what she wants and what she gets with her own choices. Which creates her this whole issue. Where she wants somebody who would see her qualities other then beauty. But chooses men in the same superficial way they would look at her.

[victoria1983]

1 hour ago, Kwothe28 said:

That is fair. After all I dont know you but was going from what you wtote.

For example, its peculiar that all your dates turn out to be that bad. I mean, I had my share of bad first dates. But can never say that they are that horrible people. While yours are trully very bad. So again, ask yourself about your standards and why you pick them in that way.

just to clarify- not every single date/person has been outright horrible. as i mentioned in my original post, there were some people I just didn't have any chemistry with (which i know just happens sometimes). It's just been very, very rare (to a discouraging extent) in these past 5.5 years i meet someone i actually 'click.' with.  

I don't allow people to treat me poorly with patterns of disrespect. The men that look at me in a superficial way, I am not 'choosing' them. I don't think my standards are the problem.

 

[victoria1983]

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

I disagree with your generalization both the gender part and the stereotype about mid life crisis. I was partly lucky. Partly it was extremely hard work on my part. Painful at times. I didn’t look back in anything but I was painfully aware that my opportunity to be a biological mom was fast disappearing. That part was so so so lucky still can’t believe I was able to conceive so much later in life. 

Really inspiring to hear how your hard work worked out for you! 🙂

[Jaunty]

4 hours ago, victoria1983 said:

@Jaunty Thanks for this. In my sobriety, I have been helping friends who've been reaching out to me, struggling with their own addiction issues. Lately I've been thinking that I should lean into this more, by volunteering at an addiction centre or something like that. Your reply is giving me the extra motivation to make that step... 🙂

I'm not sure about that ... helping addicts of any kind requires extremely strong boundaries and can be very draining.  

I'm thinking of things that are more upbeat and less intense, like working at food pantry or at respite child care for women looking for work type of stuff.  Things where you're providing immediate help and gaining the positive reinforcement for doing it.

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, Sindy_0311 said:

I said luckily, because let’s face it, you dated a hundred guys before ending up with your husband… I will have dated a hundred if I go on like this when I will be 50😂

I faced many things situations, obstacles, tough challenges in my 24 years of dating on and off.  It was partly luck - that is what I wrote above.  For sure.

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, victoria1983 said:

Really inspiring to hear how your hard work worked out for you! 🙂

Thanks and yes of course luck and timing played a part and I could spin my story for sure as "when I wasn't looking".  But, I don't.  I too had many moments and hours of wanting to give up and a particular time period right after I turned 38.  I can relate!!

[shouldhavelearned]

Don't look and chase

It will happen when you least expect it

[Andrina]

I'd think of it as trying to put yourself out into the world as much as possible, because yes, you don't know where or when you'll find love. If you've only been relying on OLD, expand. Spreading your net wide will get you hauling in more fish, because it's a numbers game.

I have a friend who was never successful in love until late into her forties, and of all places, met her future husband who worked at the car dealership where she purchased her car. I used to volunteer at the zoo (not to meet men, but because I found it fulfilling. I was already married--in my first marriage), and saw the burgeoning romance between two other volunteers.

For my own experience, I did put myself out there after my first marriage ended. I took dance lessons and had one brief dating experience from that. I had lots of strange and upsetting OLD experiences, but would have my co-workers and friends rolling in laughter about these farfetched experiences. Just when I'd tried some Meetup.com groups for singles in my age group which I enjoyed, I happened to meet my future husband on OLD. He was worth all the frustration and upsets I had to endure until meeting him.

Just as there are writers who keep submitting like the author of The Help. She said it took 62 tries to get an agent. If she had stopped at 60, she wouldn't have achieved the success of getting her book published and having the movie rights purchased for it.

Meetup.com groups are less stressful than OLD, and you can enjoy the outings and company, even if there is nobody there that sparked a romantic interest. The good part about it is that you never know who will be showing up on any given day, and new members are always joining. Good luck.