Is it normal

[Respectfullylogical]

On 11/11/2023 at 6:56 PM, Batya33 said:

I think there are a lot of issues here with the living arrangements and your dependence on him financially.  And lots of issues with you keeping nude photos of these kind -that has nothing to do with memories etc.

I wasn’t keeping them it was just on my google photos but they are of another guy I dated for a lil bit but I do have hundreds of photos on my google photos of me and different exs hugging kissing cuddling etc and non of them bothered him and the only one he asked me to do anything about was the 1 *** pick and to delete it . But I mean I have my own job but only pays 200 a week . But we have been together for almost 10 years 

[catfeeder]

22 minutes ago, Respectfullylogical said:

I will definitely get back to you about why once I first figure out exactly what it is that makes it special these questions are ones I guess I’ve never asked myself in the first place . I instinctively wanna say “idk that it just is “ but will get back to you

Challenging yourself to get clear about your reasons could help you to give your partner a better understanding, too. Or, it could lead you to recognize that you can't even identify any real importance of these things to you, and this could liberate you from something habitual rather than meaningful. That could help your current relationship, too.

[Batya33]

18 minutes ago, Respectfullylogical said:

 

In your situation I completely understand why your bf would be extremely concerned about your continued connections to this person.  Does he know all these details -the shared passwords, the porn, the videos - and this person is an ex-con on top of that?

[Batya33]

9 minutes ago, Respectfullylogical said:

I wasn’t keeping them it was just on my google photos but they are of another guy I dated for a lil bit but I do have hundreds of photos on my google photos of me and different exs hugging kissing cuddling etc and non of them bothered him and the only one he asked me to do anything about was the 1 *** pick and to delete it . But I mean I have my own job but only pays 200 a week . But we have been together for almost 10 years 

Then he financially supports you?

[Respectfullylogical]

49 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

Why?

Memories

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, Respectfullylogical said:

Memories

You can have memories and not put your safety and that of your bf at risk.  It's unsafe for him to have access to your accounts.  It's unsafe that he has those photos of  you but that is what it is.  I suggest you make better choices going forward.  

Do you want to be alone with your memories of the past or moving forward with a good person who is unlikely to turn to criminal activity?

[Respectfullylogical]

9 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Then he financially supports you?

Yes I suppose he does but I do contribute and do half and half of anything until I don’t have money left then yeah he takes care of the gap but he takes care of anything that I’m short of

[boltnrun]

You look back fondly on the time when an old ex boyfriend was in jail?

Sorry, that is odd to me. 

[catfeeder]

11 minutes ago, Respectfullylogical said:

Memories

Memories of jail?

You don't make sense, so I can understand why your partner is frustrated with you.

[Respectfullylogical]

On 11/11/2023 at 4:17 PM, Capricorn3 said:

I was going to ask the exact same thing, lol. 

 

On 11/11/2023 at 3:58 PM, catfeeder said:

What it it about being in jail that is special to you?

 

1 hour ago, catfeeder said:

Why?

 

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

His time in jail meant a lot to him? Well ok. Why does it mean a lot to you? 

Memories / and because I like them 

[Respectfullylogical]

45 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

Challenging yourself to get clear about your reasons could help you to give your partner a better understanding, too. Or, it could lead you to recognize that you can't even identify any real importance of these things to you, and this could liberate you from something habitual rather than meaningful. That could help your current relationship, too.

That’s  what he certainly thinks he feels there is an ego defense mechanism in play here that’s not allowing me to see the truth . But let’s pretend that’s the case. That I’m minimizing ,rationalizing, reasoning, denying ,etc  how am I able to decipher that if these defense mechanisms work on the subconscious part of your mind . Meaning your your not aware that your lying to yourself ?

[boltnrun]

9 minutes ago, Respectfullylogical said:

 

 

 

Memories / and because I like them 

I guess I don't understand why your boyfriend being in jail is a happy memory and something you "like".

[Respectfullylogical]

43 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

In your situation I completely understand why your bf would be extremely concerned about your continued connections to this person.  Does he know all these details -the shared passwords, the porn, the videos - and this person is an ex-con on top of that?

Again to clearify the picture of a sick pick is a different ex not the same one that was in jail . I had it just never deleted it. I was not like trying to hold onto it l. it was there because of my lack of action . Me and my man have a few home videos of xxx content of ourselves for our selves to have not for any others . And definitely not to be put online or shared as porn. Me and my  man know each others logins for emails and Facebook etc. and yes the ex bf is and was a ex con and not a mature man or one of being a provider and 

In short my man :

1. Is the one I share my logins with for email and Facebook etc. and his with me.

2. There is no porn.

3. he is the one the xxx videos are shot with and are for him and me only ‘ IE not to be shared.

In short the ex bf :

1. Is and was an ex con. correct!

[Respectfullylogical]

1 hour ago, boltnrun said:

You look back fondly on the time when an old ex boyfriend was in jail?

Sorry, that is odd to me. 

 

1 hour ago, catfeeder said:

Memories of jail?

You don't make sense, so I can understand why your partner is frustrated with you.

 

1 hour ago, boltnrun said:

I guess I don't understand why your boyfriend being in jail is a happy memory and something you "like".

It’s not that I look at the him being in jail foundly but the memeries of him writing me 

[Wiseman2]

On 11/3/2023 at 9:44 PM, Respectfullylogical said:

 to keep your ex bf letters from prison? Currently been with my fiance for 9 years 3 kids later. 

You don't have to justify wanting to save a particular chapter in your life. As long as it's stored privately (both physically and digitally) it makes no difference. As long as it's not in your BFs face either digitally or physically, who cares? Put it all in a folder/file, lable it (years x-y) then forget about it. 

[Batya33]

17 hours ago, Respectfullylogical said:

 

 

It’s not that I look at the him being in jail foundly but the memeries of him writing me 

Yes.  Many inmates write letters from what I hear.  My friend dated a guy in high school who ended up in jail and wrote her long letters and poems.  I mean sort of -don't flatter yourself that someone in jail wrote to you even if longing/romantic.  Saving them to tell yourself a story about how much he cared kind of hangs on to a fantasy.

[Respectfullylogical]

I want to thank everyone that has replied to this topic it has been helpful to me in a huge way to conclude here . 
move decided to get ride of them even tho I could keep them and store them elsewhere and that would be sufficient to make all parties happy . However upon thought and with the questions you guys had asked me I’ve come to realize that I may have been subconsciously been following a belief because it was just something I thought was a thing you do . I couldn’t seem to answer the this without looping into circles or saying idk 

 

line of questioning :

 

Question : why do  I keep these

Answer: they were from his time in jail and the memories

Question : what memories that you want to hold onto or to remember 

Answer: the time he was locked up and writing me  that it was important then 

 

Question : what is it about him being in jail or his time in jail that is important to you 

Answer: idk they are memories 

 

Qustion : so with understanding that you hold onto mementos as a way to not forget the moment a way to always have a piece of the moment the will remind you of your memories. Similar to keeping your exes shirt to help you feel close to them for when they are away or overseas etc.    similarly when you go trough a bad break up or experience something tramatic you get ride of any triggers of that even. Sometimes to the point if it’s bad enough your subconscious will block it and suppress it from your consciousness. And if it bad break up you will get ride of everything and everything to not be reminded . And if the event is neither good nor bad and is neutral you just log the memories and don’t tend employ  a insurance policy to ensure you retain the memories nor would you avoid things that remind you of the memories  . With that being said what is it about the memories you deam important enough to want to keep and not forget ?

Answer: nothing 

 

Qustion : then why keep them and fight to keep ‘em and use time energy and effort to keep them 

Answer because there memories ….

 

this is where I would loop back to my previous answers . Do I have decided to just throw them thank you everyone this fourum was very helpful 

 

[foreignmero]

I'm a little old fashioned so I may disagree with some people here. I think that the fact that there is so much advice about dating in the modern world, yet divorce rates are so high and marriage rates are falling and we live in a world filled with increasing infidelity, both male and females indicates that most popular 'dating advice' is bull***, so I have very different takes. I think prom dates and high school memories don't count. You were young and stupid in your youth.

Honestly, men get a lot of flack for not liking this sort of thing, but truthfully, most women do not like this sort of thing either, especially when the ex is far more attractive than the current partner. This is not insecurity. It may be jealousy. People act as though jealousy is a bad thing, but only someone who doesn't care never gets jealous. It's a primitive response. The truth is that there is a reason why you hold on to this. I am sure some random man has offered you things before or perhaps some guy you had no interest in, gave you a gift/love letter before and you threw it in the trash. You keep it because you are emotionally tied to it. I would say that I have emotional ties to certain objects as well. Certain trips, family gifts etc. But I never hold on to mementos/pictures of exes after I have moved on. In the moment, the mean a lot to me. The only time I do not remove all these things is when I am still grieving even if just a part of me. Like right now, I am not over my ex entirely and I still have her things. Hence why I don't date anyone. I think there is enough in the modern world fighting to destroy your relationship/family. Burn the letters of this ex felon who clearly you had no business dating and focus on the man who wants to marry you, spend his life with you and who consciously decided to be the father to your children. That is special and the fact that you are willing to hold on to these letters when you openly admit that it is causing problems in your relationship really proves your fiance's point if it is so irrelevant to you, why do you think it is worth problems in your relationship with your husband? If my wife said baby this cologne is burns my nose, could you please stop using it. Even if it were my favorite, I'd get rid of it because it's not worth problems or pain to my spouse. Just how I see it.