Is it normal

[Respectfullylogical]

 to keep your ex bf letters from prison? 
Currently been with my fiance for 9 years 3 kids later. And I have notes and pictures from my ex bf whom was only a bf. we were not really friends before or after. We were together about 16 years ago. My fiance says he don't like it because he feels like I am holding onto something or haven’t let go and it’s causing problems in our relationship . i don't know why I'm holding onto them. Other than the fact that it was during my exa time in jail. My fiancé  stated that if I had a reason that he could work with that and talk about it  but my answer is just he was in prison when I got them . My fiancé thinks I have some kind of unconscious reasoning and feels it’s disrespectful to our relationship. And yes he knows that everyone has a past and it’s part of me. His answer to that is that doesn’t mean you must bring that past into the present at some point you let go of your past and build a new future with the people in your present . 
what are your guys thoughts?
.

[Wiseman2]

8 hours ago, Respectfullylogical said:

 I have notes and pictures from my ex bf . i don't know why I'm holding onto them. Other than the fact that it was during my exa time in jail. 

Your BF shouldn't be concerned with it, however you could either get rid of it or store them in a safety deposit box.

Why are you holding on to them? Are they reminders of your youth and freedom?

Prisoners often have nothing better to do with their time than compose elaborate love letters to women on the outside. So perhaps these momentos are particularly flowery and flattering. 

[Batya33]

How often do you take them out and read them? I don't like destroying memories but for these I would do what Wiseman suggested and keep them in a secure space.

[Respectfullylogical]

I just keep em because it was during his time in jail really no other reason. But my man said a comment about it's insane that I still saved them from the house fire . Idk

[Wiseman2]

On 11/3/2023 at 9:44 PM, Respectfullylogical said:

. His answer to that is that doesn’t mean you must bring that past into the present at some point you let go of your past and build a new future with the people in your present . 

This makes sense. However whatever momentos you have are your property, so store them away appropriately. 

Does your BF tend to be jealous? What is his past like?

[shouldhavelearned]

Do they bring something to you? Happiness?

If you can't name an honest reason to hold on to them, trash them.

 

What if it was the other way around?

[Batya33]

10 hours ago, shouldhavelearned said:

Do they bring something to you? Happiness?

If you can't name an honest reason to hold on to them, trash them.

 

What if it was the other way around?

I think often it's not about wanting to be with the ex or emotional memories of the ex but context.  I'd never trash my prom photos or photos of travels with an ex etc.  I wouldn't display them or keep them readily accessible so my partner or others could see (I had a friend whose fianceee- now wife-displayed a small photo album containing photos of her Carribean vacay with an ex - a man I actually knew fairly well -she looked very attractive in the photos. I thought it was tacky of her to display them but to each their own.

So that's how I'd put it to the OP -there's more often contextually.

[Respectfullylogical]

On 11/5/2023 at 6:24 PM, Wiseman2 said:

This makes sense. However whatever momentos you have are your property, so store them away appropriately. 

Does your BF tend to be jealous? What is his past like?

He said he feels like another man / past bf had a shared space in a space that in his opinion is reserved for just one man.

he did finish the convo by saying “if you want to keep ‘em to get them out of his house and no we can drop it”.

His past is one girl he was in a relationship with a pastored daughter who cheated on him then he was single for couple years after. Otherwise his past is normal . But can you define what you mean when you say jelouse?

[Respectfullylogical]

On 11/5/2023 at 8:10 PM, shouldhavelearned said:

Do they bring something to you? Happiness?

If you can't name an honest reason to hold on to them, trash them.

 

What if it was the other way around?

No they don’t bring anything. It’s just they were letters from when he was in jail is why I see them as special. Honestly if they were letters from the guy when he wasn’t in jail I probably would have never even saved em .

if it were other way around I wouldn’t mind cuz it’s an ex that no longer talk to haven’t talked to in 15 years or so and have no clue where they are in life. Like I said we were only bf and gf we were not friends before or after . 

[Respectfullylogical]

On 11/6/2023 at 6:14 AM, Batya33 said:

I think often it's not about wanting to be with the ex or emotional memories of the ex but context.  I'd never trash my prom photos or photos of travels with an ex etc.  I wouldn't display them or keep them readily accessible so my partner or others could see (I had a friend whose fianceee- now wife-displayed a small photo album containing photos of her Carribean vacay with an ex - a man I actually knew fairly well -she looked very attractive in the photos. I thought it was tacky of her to display them but to each their own.

So that's how I'd put it to the OP -there's more often contextually.

See now here’s the crazy thing that I don’t understand is that I have hundreds of photos on my google photos that he has seen  . I’d say he had seen all of them I signed in on his p/c once and google synced to download onto his p/c hard drive. Long story short he had the pleasure of going trough all the photos to delete them from his p/c . But he didn’t mind  any of the photos of me and my exs kissing hugging and affectionate photos except one. He wanted deleted all together . It was of this guy I dated  he had took a pic with my phone and it was a full body mirror picture of the guy with no pants on and d**k out . But I get that but otherwise he don’t care about any other photos. With these letters and photos tho I did keep them in a file folder in our shared filing cabinet. I did bring up these points and his answer was he wouldn’t mind prom photos nor vacation photos but wouldn’t want them on display in OUR home he wouldn’t care if they were in a photo album or were on my phone or any of that because it doesent bother him and said “again it’s the reason you have givin me for why you want to keep them that don’t make sense and bothers me so “ 

[Respectfullylogical]

If I missed any one or forgot to answer a ? or reply to someone please let me know 

[Wiseman2]

22 minutes ago, Respectfullylogical said:

He did finish the convo by saying “if you want to keep ‘em to get them out of his house and no we can drop it”.

This is a good solution. Simply pack them up and store them safely somewhere else.  Is it his house? Either way,  try to consider that chapter closed so you can move forward. 

[Respectfullylogical]

Just now, Wiseman2 said:

This is a good solution. Simply pack them up and store them safely somewhere else.  Is it his house? Either way,  try to consider that chapter closed so you can move forward. 

Yes it’s his house and he provides I’d be living with a friend or my mom if it wasn’t for him tbh . I don’t make near enough to be paying for an apt on my own let alone a house.

that reminds me he did say something like “I’m not paying to provide a space for other men to live in our home “… btw he refers to house and home as different things a house can be a home but home is not only a house home is any place you build a life and family together so it’s his house but our home and just covering bases here but if we broke up or something it would be just a house to him no longer a home maybe he would say it use to be me and her home but now it’s just my house. Idk if that makes sense

[catfeeder]

38 minutes ago, Respectfullylogical said:

It’s just they were letters from when he was in jail is why I see them as special. Honestly if they were letters from the guy when he wasn’t in jail I probably would have never even saved em .

What it it about being in jail that is special to you?

[Capricorn3]

17 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

What it it about being in jail that is special to you?

I was going to ask the exact same thing, lol. 

[Batya33]

3 hours ago, Respectfullylogical said:

See now here’s the crazy thing that I don’t understand is that I have hundreds of photos on my google photos that he has seen  . I’d say he had seen all of them I signed in on his p/c once and google synced to download onto his p/c hard drive. Long story short he had the pleasure of going trough all the photos to delete them from his p/c . But he didn’t mind  any of the photos of me and my exs kissing hugging and affectionate photos except one. He wanted deleted all together . It was of this guy I dated  he had took a pic with my phone and it was a full body mirror picture of the guy with no pants on and d**k out . But I get that but otherwise he don’t care about any other photos. With these letters and photos tho I did keep them in a file folder in our shared filing cabinet. I did bring up these points and his answer was he wouldn’t mind prom photos nor vacation photos but wouldn’t want them on display in OUR home he wouldn’t care if they were in a photo album or were on my phone or any of that because it doesent bother him and said “again it’s the reason you have givin me for why you want to keep them that don’t make sense and bothers me so “ 

I think there are a lot of issues here with the living arrangements and your dependence on him financially.  And lots of issues with you keeping nude photos of these kind -that has nothing to do with memories etc.

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, Respectfullylogical said:

 I signed in on his p/c once and google synced to download onto his p/c hard drive. Long story short he had the pleasure of going trough all the photos to delete them from his p/c . 

Please change all your passwords, stop using his devices, unsync all your accounts, and find safe secure private places and devices to store your data. It would be wise to delete any content you would not want to be shared on the internet or sold on pornhubs. Please be responsible for your data and take all of it off your BFs devices. 

As far as house vs home. Yes his house is your current residence however please don't fool yourself with double talk about "your home", that just means you have a place to stay.

Legally it's his house and he can ask you to leave at any time. As far as physical moments it's fair to ask you to store them at your mother's house. 

[Respectfullylogical]

On 11/11/2023 at 3:58 PM, catfeeder said:

What it it about being in jail that is special to you?

Nothing special about it but like I would keep anyone’s notes that I got during their time in jail 

[catfeeder]

3 minutes ago, Respectfullylogical said:

Nothing special about it but like I would keep anyone’s notes that I got during their time in jail 

Why?

[Respectfullylogical]

On 11/11/2023 at 4:17 PM, Capricorn3 said:

I was going to ask the exact same thing, lol. 

I guess it’s more of that it was a time that meant a lot to him so special to him maybe  let me ponder that. I  don’t think I’ve taken time to try and figure that out ever. Very good question I will reply just want a moment to think on that

[shouldhavelearned]

You want a happy relationship with your fiance or not?

 

Easy decision 

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, Respectfullylogical said:

I guess it’s more of that it was a time that meant a lot to him so special to him maybe  let me ponder that. I  don’t think I’ve taken time to try and figure that out ever. Very good question I will reply just want a moment to think on that

His time in jail meant a lot to him? Well ok. Why does it mean a lot to you? 

[Respectfullylogical]

4 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

Why?

I will definitely get back to you about why once I first figure out exactly what it is that makes it special these questions are ones I guess I’ve never asked myself in the first place . I instinctively wanna say “idk that it just is “ but will get back to you

[Respectfullylogical]

On 11/11/2023 at 7:13 PM, Wiseman2 said:

On 11/11/2023 at 7:13 PM, Wiseman2 said:

Please change all your passwords, stop using his devices, unsync all your accounts, and find safe secure private places and devices to store your data. It would be wise to delete any content you would not want to be shared on the internet or sold on pornhubs. Please be responsible for your data and take all of it off your BFs devices. 

As far as house vs home. Yes his house is your current residence however please don't fool yourself with double talk about "your home", that just means you have a place to stay.

Legally it's his house and he can ask you to leave at any time. As far as physical moments it's fair to ask you to store them at your mother's house. 

I’m not worried about the password stuff and the porn hub etc . I have access to all his things he has access to all mine were rather forth comming in those regards now after years of being together. I also we have done a few xxx videos for our personal usage . I once made a joke about him using it as revenge if we broke up he replied to that with “nah unless you cheat on me so don’t cheat on me . Fast forward to today I cheated on home 2 years ago on Xmas and left him for his ex friend . He had stopped talking to him because he felt  like the guy was a fake friend . Anyways after I left him for his friend and told him I cheated he had over a month worth of time to do such but never did I asked why he never did he said besides the fact he was to preoccupied picking up all the shattered pieces of his heart and life . That he really does love me and couldn’t hurt me intentionally by doing such. But in regards to the store them else where yes I have agreed to that but I’m still searching for deeper understanding about what’s at play here so Imwe can be better in the future

[Respectfullylogical]

15 minutes ago, shouldhavelearned said:

You want a happy relationship with your fiance or not?

 

Easy decision 

Yes and I have agreed to store them else where but I can’t help but feel like it’s still hurting or bothering him . Band he is just holding back because he knows logically that asking me to do anything further is not reasonable. He made a hint that he feels hurt that this guy means ,meant more to me than our relationship or has higher importance than us