I’m kind of sick of my relationship

[Mya143]

Let me clarify 

I (19f) love my boyfriend(19m). I really do and i have the best time with him always. It’s just his mom…she is so overbearing and overall a drag that it just makes me not want to deal with it all together. It started off as him not being able to go out for long periods of time,we were 18 then, then he can’t touch me in the house because it’s disrespectful. That stuff i understand and i would never want to disrespect her house like that. Then she doesn’t understand why he wants to hang out with me for a full day when he is finally off work, he has every other weekend off and he wants to spend the Saturday with me, and wants him to come home by a certain time..okay i guess. I’m not cool with that but i have no say so. Now a year later and I’ve met a good chunk of his family and he feels it’s time to meet mine. I don’t have a prob with that so i said he could come out of town with us for Christmas. He asked her and she said no because she isn’t comfortable with us spending the night together. 

If this makes it sound any better he is a bout to be 20 in December. I’ll take any advice about how i should go about this relationship because i do want to stay with him but i actually want to do stuff with him without restrictions or time frames. I will understand if im being childish and not respecting her and i will take any criticism that comes with it but i just feel like i have no freedom and i dont like that.

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, Mya143 said:

 I’ve met a good chunk of his family and he feels it’s time to meet mine. I don’t have a prob with that so i said he could come out of town with us for Christmas. 

Do you both live at home with parents? How long have you been dating? Why hasn't he met any of your family? 

His family seems somewhat strict but if he lives at home he has to follow their rules. Going on a trip with your family instead of spending the holidays with his own family seems like too much. 

 

 

[Andrina]

Does he seem very passive with his mother, like he doesn't want to argue with her and rock the boat?

6 hours ago, Mya143 said:

Then she doesn’t understand why he wants to hang out with me for a full day when he is finally off work, he has every other weekend off and he wants to spend the Saturday with me, and wants him to come home by a certain time.

Curfews are normal, but if you're saying that he leaves you to go home by 9 or 10 at night to appease her, then that's a Mama's boy and this dynamic likely won't change, even when he moves out. 

I dated a Mama's boy for 2 years when I was in high school. I had no problem with normal rules parents set, but like you, got upset when the parent started intruding where they shouldn't. I ultimately dumped that bf because I knew he would always side with his mother over me, and that her thoughts and opinions would override his and mine.

I believe a parent of an older teen about to turn 20 must assume he is having sex with his longterm partner. If I were the parent, I would have already discussed birth control and STD prevention, and would want to meet the parents to ensure he wouldn't be in a dangerous situation going on vacation (there are crazy people in the world).

If he allows his mother to manipulate him in areas where a parent shouldn't have a say-so, I would end things now. If you're not happy in the present, it's naive to be hopeful of major changes. If he doesn't want to break up and says he will stand up for himself, then give him time to show that you are his priority as he moves into adulthood and cutting the apron springs.

[Batya33]

So he lives at home right? Does he work and/or go to school? Does he pay rent/expenses? It's kind of -her house/her rules.  As far as where he would sleep if away for Christmas I agree that is not really her business.  Have you spent one on one time with his mother? How serious are you two?

[smackie9]

This isn't a you problem it's a him problem. It's up to him to deal with his mom. When he's 20, he's an adult and should be able to make his own decisions. The only solution I see is that he moves out. 

[Mya143]

On 11/2/2023 at 6:37 AM, Wiseman2 said:

Do you both live at home with parents? How long have you been dating? Why hasn't he met any of your family? 

His family seems somewhat strict but if he lives at home he has to follow their rules. Going on a trip with your family instead of spending the holidays with his own family seems like too much. 

 

 

We both live at home and have been dating a year now. He hasn’t met any of my family because his mom wouldn’t let him over at first. He informed me that they weren’t doing anything for Christmas so he doesn’t see why it’s a big deal.

[Mya143]

On 11/2/2023 at 11:21 AM, Batya33 said:

So he lives at home right? Does he work and/or go to school? Does he pay rent/expenses? It's kind of -her house/her rules.  As far as where he would sleep if away for Christmas I agree that is not really her business.  Have you spent one on one time with his mother? How serious are you two?

He does live at home and works full time and is sometimes off on weekends. He pays her 200 every paycheck that he gets so twice a month. I have spent 1 on 1 with her and decided to ask for myself because i just felt that this whole “he can’t spend the night while he lives under my roof” thing is ridiculous. We spend 1 on 1 time together and she even said that i can come to her house when she isn’t there so im not seeing what the problem actually is.

[Mya143]

On 11/2/2023 at 8:28 AM, Andrina said:

Does he seem very passive with his mother, like he doesn't want to argue with her and rock the boat?

Curfews are normal, but if you're saying that he leaves you to go home by 9 or 10 at night to appease her, then that's a Mama's boy and this dynamic likely won't change, even when he moves out. 

I dated a Mama's boy for 2 years when I was in high school. I had no problem with normal rules parents set, but like you, got upset when the parent started intruding where they shouldn't. I ultimately dumped that bf because I knew he would always side with his mother over me, and that her thoughts and opinions would override his and mine.

I believe a parent of an older teen about to turn 20 must assume he is having sex with his longterm partner. If I were the parent, I would have already discussed birth control and STD prevention, and would want to meet the parents to ensure he wouldn't be in a dangerous situation going on vacation (there are crazy people in the world).

If he allows his mother to manipulate him in areas where a parent shouldn't have a say-so, I would end things now. If you're not happy in the present, it's naive to be hopeful of major changes. If he doesn't want to break up and says he will stand up for himself, then give him time to show that you are his priority as he moves into adulthood and cutting the apron springs.

I understand. And he does seem very passive with her because he doesn’t like to make her upset. They argue sometimes because he even feels the thing she does is ridiculous as well. And his curfew is 10:00 on the dot on weekends.

[catfeeder]

8 hours ago, Mya143 said:

I understand. And he does seem very passive with her because he doesn’t like to make her upset. They argue sometimes because he even feels the thing she does is ridiculous as well. And his curfew is 10:00 on the dot on weekends.

I'm with you, this would drive me nuts. He's paying rent, and that should buy him at least the adult freedom to come and go as he wishes within reason. I can appreciate not wanting to awaken the family at 2 AM, but 10? Really?

I'd probably tell him that I adore him, but his restrictions have become my restrictions, and I don't want to live like this. He gets to decide if or when he wants to negotiate the freedoms he's paying for without any pressure from me, but I'm not his mother's daughter, and I'm going out. He can let me know if anything changes, and if I'm still available then, maybe we can meet to catch up.

[Wiseman2]

On 11/2/2023 at 3:11 AM, Mya143 said:

 He asked her and she said no because she isn’t comfortable with us spending the night together. 

Are you two from different cultures or religions? Are his parents more conservative than yours?

You could invite him over to your house for dinner, no? Why hasn't he met your family after all this time and your only offer is to go away together? 

You may not like the rules and regulations his strict parents impose, but then again maybe it's a sign that you're not compatible. What does your family think about his restrictions? 

[MissCanuck]

I would not be able to date a man who is this much under Mom's thumb. 

He won't be ready for a real relationship until he is out of the house, and even then I suspect he will have problems cutting the cord. 

I'm sorry. He might be a nice guy but he's not a good candidate for a relationship at this time of his life.