Getting marriage past this?

[throwfade]

I am 27 and my husband is 35. We have been together for 6 years and have a 1+ year old daughter. Earlier this year, I was assaulted. I don't think all of the details are important, but it was a nightmare and really hard on our relationship. We were both really going through it. I feel like I am past everything except for what it has done to my marriage. 

Sometimes I feel like it was harder on my husband than on me. Things are just different. We are so distant from each other and he is so quick to anger. He is so emotionally shut down and I think he resents the hell out of me, I don't know what else to think. All of this keeps building resentment and idk what to do anymore. Like I'm seriously considering separating even though I really don't want to do that because I love him dearly. I kept thinking more time would help but that doesn't seem to be the case. Would a planned, short term separation be a good idea or make things worse?

[catfeeder]

I'm so sorry you're going through this, and my heart goes out to you. What have you said to your husband about wanting to get closer, and how has he responded?

Are you seeing a therapist, or have you had any counseling after the attack?

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, throwfade said:

. Things are just different. We are so distant from each other and he is so quick to anger. He is so emotionally shut down and I think he resents the hell out of me

Sorry this happened. How was he before this took place and before having your child?

Hopefully you are in counseling. Please discuss this with your therapist. 

[MissCanuck]

6 hours ago, throwfade said:

He is so emotionally shut down and I think he resents the hell out of me

What do you mean by this, exactly? Why do you feel he resents you for being assaulted? 

I agree with the above suggestions of therapy, if you aren't already doing so. 

[Batya33]

I think the details or at least some details are really important -like was your daughter with you - did you tell him right away -does he somehow "blame the victim?" Was he in danger too? Did you argue about how to react or report it or not report it? Was it someone one of you knew? Did it happen near somewhere your daughter is  taken like a playground or daycare??

I'm sorry you're struggling and so sorry you were a victim!

[Andrina]

You both need counseling. Whether it be separately or sessions together, a psychologist will be able to advise. If you receive that, give it time to work. It won't happen overnight.

If he refuses, let him know that you're not willing to live with a partner who is regularly angry and distant. IMO, separation is not working on issues together and accomplishes nothing.

I'm really sorry this happened to you. I know you love him, but now you see how he handles severe stress. Sometimes you don't really know someone until something of this magnitude happens, and then you see another side of them. Even as you love him, you have to love yourself more and ensure your own happiness. That happiness is impossible when he's treating you so poorly. 

I'd arrange a family member to watch your child, if you have someone like this to help, when you have this important talk with him. Good luck and let us know how it goes.

[redswim30]

On 11/2/2023 at 5:28 AM, Batya33 said:

I think the details or at least some details are really important -like was your daughter with you - did you tell him right away -does he somehow "blame the victim?" Was he in danger too? Did you argue about how to react or report it or not report it? Was it someone one of you knew? Did it happen near somewhere your daughter is  taken like a playground or daycare??

I'm sorry you're struggling and so sorry you were a victim!

^ I agree.  It's hard to know what kind of advice to give without knowing exactly why you have been distant with each other.  Also, I am SO sorry this happened to you, OP. 

If, for example, he is victim blaming you, I'd have far different advice than if he not blaming you but you don't feel comfortable having sex with your husband.  

I can tell you this much.  There's no way AROUND this.  You are going to have to go through it. 

This either means seeking a a marriage counselor and attempting to rebuild things or if you think your husband has no intention of changing this behavior, seeking a separation.  Nothing is going to improve until one of those things happens and you just keep dancing around the issues. 

Contrary to popular belief, couples don't always separate or divorce because they hate each other.  Often, there is still some love (maybe even a lot of love) there.  But the challenges are too insurmountable and typically at lease of of the two people doesn't want to live in the situation anymore for their own mental health or safety. 

You need to make sure you are taking action to protect yourself from emotional abuse and your daughter as well.  These should be your two top concerns.  Your marriage comes third. 

[throwfade]

Thank you for the replies. He is just in a bad mood a huge percentage of the time. When he is in a bad mood, it always turns into a fight where he says things that he doesn't mean. I think this comes from how he was raised because he has always done it. Then minutes later he is totally fine and we make up. It wasn't that big of a deal when it was every few months, but now it is like twice a week or more. When we make up he says all of the right things and I think everything is fine and that I won't have to deal with it for a while. 

It is hard to know exactly how he feels about what happened since he will say anything to hurt me when he is angry. I think he definitely blames me some, which seems like a natural reaction and I for sure could have made better decisions when it came to some things looking back, but you don't really expect something like that to happen. I just don't really know why he would act like that so frequently if it is not resentment. 

To give a few more details, it was a co-worker, no one else was home, and he knew as soon as I could get in touch with him, which was a few hours later. It was a straightforward thing with it being completely obvious what happened, like it's not just me saying words against my coworker and police were involved immediately. I think he had a psychotic/drug induced mental break or something. 

I went to counseling weekly for 6 weeks after and now am doing it twice a month online. I think marriage counseling would be very beneficial, but don't know what it would take for him to actually do it.

[Batya33]

Is he mad that this coworker was alone with you in your home? Did he think you were having an affair?

Separately it sounds like in general he has outbursts regularly.  Adults don't get a pass for outbursts because of "how I was raised" (I could use that plenty of times over -I don't, ever).  He chooses not to find other ways to deal with being frustrated, angry, upset and he takes it out on you.  Why do you tolerate the "says all the right things?" stuff?

[Andrina]

10 hours ago, throwfade said:

I think marriage counseling would be very beneficial, but don't know what it would take for him to actually do it.

How about giving him the opportunity of you staying in the marriage for now if he agrees, and leaving if he doesn't? He's regularly verbally abused you. That should be a dealbreaker to anyone, especially when you have a child in this toxic environment. If you don't care enough about yourself to leave if he doesn't improve due to counseling or refuses counseling, do it for the well being of your child.

[itsallgrand]

It's not uncommon for men to blame themselves. That's another possibility. Many men feel like it is their job to protect those dear in their life and when harm comes to them, they may battle with a sense of loss of control and anger at themselves. 

Since you haven't heard from him what he is feeling, and he may not even know himself - he's acting out - him seeing someone seems like the next step if he is willing.

I'd probably talk to your councilor about how to approach this with him. He shouldn't be taking whatever he is going through out on you.