Would this be crazy or am I too reserved?

[ilovecats666]

Hi everyone,

I guess I have a 2 part question here. 

And to preface, as always, I do see a therapist, I just like this as another outlet for myself to process my thoughts. 

So, about a year from now, my boyfriend of 6 months will be moving somewhere (still unknown until next month) for 2 years of post doc. 

We are sadly long distance currently (met and dated for about 4 months in person first), but visit as often as we can and absolutely talk every day. 

He really does seem like a solid guy. I'd posted before about having doubts but it turns out that getting back on my antidepressants really made me see that I was kinda coming up with a lot of the issues in my own head, and being highly pessimistic. Meds + my therapist + seeing him again made me realize that we are very much still into each ther. 

ANYWAYS, my question is... when he moves for his post doc, would it be crazy to go with him? Granted that we are still together and doing well, obviously. As we will have been together about a year and a half by then. I know long distance is a harder way to determine if it's a good fit, but it seems likely that long distance will be extra long term if I don't go. And that's kinda not too feasible. Plus, he's made it clear that he'd love that and be willing to help me get on my feet, and that he sees this as a long term thing. But has also made it clear I don't have an obligation to come, nor do I have to hurry if I do want to but am not ready. 

I know it's a long ways a way, but as someone who is highly anxious, I like to start easing myself into it early. 

My SECOND part, more relevant to now.

#1, how do I tell my dad about him? My mom knows because she pries, but my dad doesn't ask (also they are divorced and dont talk a lot so my mom hasnt spilled it), and it feels SO weird to out of the blue, bring up that I have a boyfriend.  And also that it's been 6 months. And also that I plan on taking it very seriously. 

Like, idk why I'm worried. I'm 28. It's not like I'm not allowed. But it feels so weird. Mostly just awkward. I just have never been comfortable with my dad like that. But we are both trying to build a good relationship I think. 

Also secondly on that same note, the anxiety of telling him (and my mom) that I'd be moving with him is ROUGH. My parents are both very religious and conservative. 

I lived with an ex before (a long time ago and I was stupid for it) but they made it a huge ordeal. And I think ever since, I've been very afraid to involve them at all in my choices. Which sucks because I want them to support me. 

 

And on a third note, they obviously want me to marry a conservative Christian guy. Which really isn't my thing. And my boyfriend is certainly neither. He also comes from a different cultural background than I do. 

So I know both have my mom concerned and will probably phase my dad too. 

I guess i just really hate disappointing my parents. 

Even though logically they shouldn't be disappointed. He's a PhD and is the kindest person. 

Anyways, sorry about the rambling. Just a lot of thoughts to get out. Will be following up with my therapist in 2 days per usual. 

 

[MissCanuck]

8 hours ago, ilovecats666 said:

when he moves for his post doc, would it be crazy to go with him?

It depends on where he goes and how realistic it would be for you to go and find work and adapt and so on. I would give the relationship another 6 months before giving a lot more thought to it. You're still fairly new to each other so I would see how things unfold more. 

8 hours ago, ilovecats666 said:

the anxiety of telling him (and my mom) that I'd be moving with him is ROUGH. My parents are both very religious and conservative. 

Again, I would not stress yourself out about this unless and until you actually have a solid plan to move. Right now, it's just an idea. Cross the above bridge if and when you come to it. 

8 hours ago, ilovecats666 said:

I've been very afraid to involve them at all in my choices. Which sucks because I want them to support me. 

This is where we realize that we have to make our own choices, even if our parents don't agree. I understand you'd like them to support you. That's normal. But you will have to work on being strong and shaping your own future even if they don't. You can inform them of your choices, of course, but you shouldn't need to involve them when you make those choices. Not at this stage of your life. They might kick up a fuss, yes, but you are going to have to develop some resilience and boundaries so that you can still live your life as you see fit. 

Having said that, it would be wise to make it clear to your dad that you have a boyfriend. You need to get some practice in living your life openly. 

[Batya33]

I would do it only if you were going to move there anyway and only if you have your own place for at least the first year.  I would move in with him only if there are marriage plans because the only reason you're sharing space is because otherwise it will be long distance right? He will be very busy and want to meet a lot of new people in his post doc and spread his wings professionally at least.  (I relocated 800 miles for my husband -we were newlyweds, about to be new parents and had discussed how I would have to relocate when we'd started dating -partly long distance- a few years earlier -I would not have moved or lived together for just a boyfriend).

If after a year or so of you being financially independent there and working you two can talk about next steps- then he'll only have one year left of his post doc and you two may be more ready for marriage/engagement.  Or a solid long term commitment.  I think at this stage it's a bad idea to share living space and involve him in helping you with your job search.  Also be sure you have thousands of dollars saved in case you have to move back, etc.  

Totally agree with Canuck about your parents.

[smackie9]

Depends on how he feels about it and how prepared you will be to support yourself financially. You will be away from family and friends, can you handle that? and not be dependent on him?.....are you an independent type of person that is able to make fiends quickly, find a good job, etc? Will you have a backup plan if things go sour and you will be on your own? If you wouldn't be able to handle any of these situations, then call it quits. It's not worth it. 

[Wiseman2]

13 hours ago, ilovecats666 said:

, the anxiety of telling him (and my mom) that I'd be moving with him is ROUGH. My parents are both very religious and conservative. they obviously want me to marry a conservative Christian guy. 

Don't discuss it or mention it to family if or until it becomes a reality. It's a long way off and there is no need to worry about it now. You're not even sure about the future with him so there's no point starting a fuss with your conservative parents. 

[rainbowsandroses]

15 hours ago, ilovecats666 said:

So about a year from now, my boyfriend of 6 months will be moving somewhere (still unknown until next month) for 2 years of post doc. 

First of all slow down!    You've only been dating six months, and his moving is one year away, anything can happen betwen now and then. 

15 hours ago, ilovecats666 said:

ANYWAYS, my question is... when he moves for his post doc, would it be crazy to go with him?

At this point, yes it would be crazy, it's too soon for you to even be thinking about this.  Given it's an entire year away and he doesn't even know where's he going, which I find incredibly odd.

I mean who doesn't know where they're getting their post-doc degree? 

Since he claims to not know, who's to say it won't be somewhere closer and more local to you and you won't have to move at all? 

Are you absolutely certain that's why he's moving away?   Sorry, it's not adding up for me.

15 hours ago, ilovecats666 said:

Plus, he's made it clear that he'd love that and be willing to help me get on my feet, and that he sees this as a long term thing. But has also made it clear I don't have an obligation to come, nor do I have to hurry if I do want to but am not ready. 

Who initiated the conversation about you moving?  It sounds like it was you and he said whatever to appease you but with a big BUT (bolded).  It was a mixed message and you'd be wise to listen to the second part of the message (the bolded) as that's more likely the truth. 

Translation?  Don't move. 

15 hours ago, ilovecats666 said:

I know it's a long ways a way, but as someone who is highly anxious, I like to start easing myself into it early. 

Easing yourself into something that's one year away, where things are as ambiguous as they are, is not the way to control anxiety.   To the contrary it sounds like you're making it worse. 

By even discussing with him, you're placing unnecessary pressure on this new relationship which is NOT good. 

My advice is slow down, calm down and stop the overthinking.  Find other more productive ways to control your anxiety that don't involve him or this elusive move with big question marks attached. 

Enjoy your relationship in the moment, detach from the outcome and allow it to develop naturally and organically.

[Andrina]

20 hours ago, ilovecats666 said:

they obviously want me to marry a conservative Christian guy.

I'm assuming they are conservative Christians, but they couldn't even make it wor with their own marriage, so it's a bit ridiculous for them to expect this of you.

You don't get to pick anybody else's partner for them, so don't allow anybody else's influences affect who you choose for your partner.

I imagine it's best to both think of the future, yet also have a wait-and-see attitude, because many new relationships might not progress past the honeymoon stage.

To know if you are not wasting your time, do you share the same major life goals, such as one day having children or not? Where each of you would like to ultimately live?

How did you two meet? Did he immediately tell you he'd have to be moving in the timeline he's telling you now, or did you just find this out? 

When he finds out where he's going, you'll have to see if the territory you're moving to regularly hires out-of-towners or not. That all depends on the place, since sometimes jobs are scarce and they save those for their natural born residents. 

If your parents ever begin griping about your partner, learn to cut the discussion short. You're a grown woman now, so start acting like one. If they are bullies, they will continue if you act like a doormat. When you stand up for yourself and temporarily pull your presence away if they are being toxic, they might learn how to treat you better. Good luck and let us know how it goes.

[ilovecats666]

5 hours ago, Andrina said:

I'm assuming they are conservative Christians, but they couldn't even make it wor with their own marriage, so it's a bit ridiculous for them to expect this of you.

You don't get to pick anybody else's partner for them, so don't allow anybody else's influences affect who you choose for your partner.

I imagine it's best to both think of the future, yet also have a wait-and-see attitude, because many new relationships might not progress past the honeymoon stage.

To know if you are not wasting your time, do you share the same major life goals, such as one day having children or not? Where each of you would like to ultimately live?

How did you two meet? Did he immediately tell you he'd have to be moving in the timeline he's telling you now, or did you just find this out? 

When he finds out where he's going, you'll have to see if the territory you're moving to regularly hires out-of-towners or not. That all depends on the place, since sometimes jobs are scarce and they save those for their natural born residents. 

If your parents ever begin griping about your partner, learn to cut the discussion short. You're a grown woman now, so start acting like one. If they are bullies, they will continue if you act like a doormat. When you stand up for yourself and temporarily pull your presence away if they are being toxic, they might learn how to treat you better. Good luck and let us know how it goes.

Thankfully most of our long term goals are pretty aligned. Neither of us want kids, and he eventually wants to work in my home state (that I'm in now). And yes he was very straightforward early on that this would happen. And he should know within the month WHERE he will be places as he's been interviewing with a bunch of places. 

We met when he was where I'm at for a work contract. So we had a few months in person before he had to move back. 

And I totally agree. It all absolutely depends on where we are a year from now. Just as someone with high anxiety, I want to start easing myself into the idea now so it's manageable if it comes down to it. 

And very true. Thankfully most of his options are within the US and in more major cities, so I should be safe job wise. Though after this he would love to go to Europe for another couple of years. Which I think in a few years, I'd be on board with. 

Thankfully I'm pretty resourceful and independent, and good at making friends. So I think I'd survive. 

Genuinely the hardest part of all of it is considering how my parents would handle it. Which is wild considering I'm 28 and haven't lived at home in about a decade now. But you're right. I kinda need to just get more bold. I certainly would be if they said anything crazy to HIM, but when it comes to myself, I definitely just take it a little more. Because it sucks to be at odds with your parents. 

 

Thanks for your response. I will keep you posted 

[ilovecats666]

12 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

First of all slow down!    You've only been dating six months, and his moving is one year away, anything can happen betwen now and then. 

At this point, yes it would be crazy, it's too soon for you to even be thinking about this.  Given it's an entire year away and he doesn't even know where's he going, which I find incredibly odd.

I mean who doesn't know where they're getting their post-doc degree? 

Since he claims to not know, who's to say it won't be somewhere closer and more local to you and you won't have to move at all? 

Are you absolutely certain that's why he's moving away?   Sorry, it's not adding up for me.

Who initiated the conversation about you moving?  It sounds like it was you and he said whatever to appease you but with a big BUT (bolded).  It was a mixed message and you'd be wise to listen to the second part of the message (the bolded) as that's more likely the truth. 

Translation?  Don't move. 

Easing yourself into something that's one year away, where things are as ambiguous as they are, is not the way to control anxiety.   To the contrary it sounds like you're making it worse. 

By even discussing with him, you're placing unnecessary pressure on this new relationship which is NOT good. 

My advice is slow down, calm down and stop the overthinking.  Find other more productive ways to control your anxiety that don't involve him or this elusive move with big question marks attached. 

Enjoy your relationship in the moment, detach from the outcome and allow it to develop naturally and organically.

So he will know WHERE within the month. He has been interviewing with a lot of different universities and has a few offers to consider. But hasn't locked one down just yet. Sadly, none of those are immediately where I live. One being just a state over though (which would be more ideal). He definitely is moving for a post doc. He's finishing his last semester of his PhD now as well as wrapping up a paper with a professor there. So these post docs that he's interviewing for would start anywhere from late summer/fall depending.

But I'm aware I can't assume this will work that far out yet. I just really have to ease myself into potential ideas. I just really think my parents are giving me the most anxiety surrounding this potential. I'm significantly more anxious about their reaction than the idea of moving. Which is ridiculous at my age, I know. 

But he actually initiated the conversation about me coming with him if we were at that point. And that he would be willing to help me get on my feet. Though ideally I'd already have a job lined up. 

Contrary to how I've made it sound, he's been the one that a much more sure and secure about the relationship. And he keeps me (as far as I know) very in the loop about what's going on. 

[ilovecats666]

12 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Don't discuss it or mention it to family if or until it becomes a reality. It's a long way off and there is no need to worry about it now. You're not even sure about the future with him so there's no point starting a fuss with your conservative parents. 

Definitely fair. I wouldn't mention the moving for sure. 

But I do feel like they should know he exists i guess since I really do HOPE that it goes somewhere 

[ilovecats666]

13 hours ago, smackie9 said:

Depends on how he feels about it and how prepared you will be to support yourself financially. You will be away from family and friends, can you handle that? and not be dependent on him?.....are you an independent type of person that is able to make fiends quickly, find a good job, etc? Will you have a backup plan if things go sour and you will be on your own? If you wouldn't be able to handle any of these situations, then call it quits. It's not worth it. 

Yes, very good points.

Thankfully I'm someone who is pretty independent and resourceful. I would have a job and a life pretty quickly, no problem. I do well in that regard. 

And I always have a back up plan. worst case, I certainly have people that would help me and take me in. But I'd be more prepared than that. 

He is very interested in me coming. Him being sure about me is very disconcerting as I've never been in a relationship with someone so emotionally stable 🥲. But has made it clear that if I'm not ready, he's not gonna break up with me about it. 

And I know that this is very important for his life and future. Which is why me leaving would even be considered. 

[ilovecats666]

You definitely make a good point. I certainly would only if we were very stable at the time. And i guess it may be good to consider my own place.

[ilovecats666]

18 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

It depends on where he goes and how realistic it would be for you to go and find work and adapt and so on. I would give the relationship another 6 months before giving a lot more thought to it. You're still fairly new to each other so I would see how things unfold more. 

Again, I would not stress yourself out about this unless and until you actually have a solid plan to move. Right now, it's just an idea. Cross the above bridge if and when you come to it. 

This is where we realize that we have to make our own choices, even if our parents don't agree. I understand you'd like them to support you. That's normal. But you will have to work on being strong and shaping your own future even if they don't. You can inform them of your choices, of course, but you shouldn't need to involve them when you make those choices. Not at this stage of your life. They might kick up a fuss, yes, but you are going to have to develop some resilience and boundaries so that you can still live your life as you see fit. 

Having said that, it would be wise to make it clear to your dad that you have a boyfriend. You need to get some practice in living your life openly. 

I definitely do need to get more comfortable living my life openly. It's just so uncomfortable. But I guess that's part of it. 

 

And I definitely agree. I'm definitely not making a decision anytime soon. But I guess I just cope by doing this hahaha. Easier to plan for it and not, then to not plan for it and then go. Atleast for me.