I'm M20 need an urgent help in a very confusion RS with F26 ( breaking point )

[Bruce0070]

3 minutes ago, Jaunty said:

Get a grip on yourself.  I know it's easier said than done, but believe me, almost all of us have been there.

I hope you have learned from this experience NOT to make plans including another person who is not onboard already.   You got very carried away with a fantasy.  Now it's up to you to get your feet back on the ground.

It's not that hard for me as I passed with similar expereinces ( betrayal, losing friends..)

The difference here are the circumstances, as I mentioned in my initial post, this situation is unprecedented , I'm stretched thin , doing literally everything from studying, working out, chores, taking care of others ,sitting for exams this week, and many other tasks, as I try to expect almost everything in my life ( based on analyzing patterns and other factors ) I didn't expect ( probably the first time ) Angel's reaction , besides, her reaction was the drop that spilled the glass.

It wasn't really a fantasy as we both were talking about similar plans like that in the summer ( apparently I got deeply attached with them )

 

[Bruce0070]

43 minutes ago, AndieA said:

 

I read your whole post, but I cannot tell for sure if you spent most of your interactions over electronic media, or in person.  

I have come to believe completely that relationships over electronic media have no value in real life.  You can text and IM for a year and believe this is the person of your dreams, but then wait until real life meetings.  It is never the same, no matter how honest you are electronically.  I had a SCUBA buddy for 12 years and we went on diving trips and also played tennis in the same group, so I knew him pretty well as a person, in person (we were friends, we were both happily married).  But when we texted or IM'd, he would seem like a totally different person.  

The agony I see on these forums is steeped in electronic relationships.  I don't know how mankind got to this point.  OK, enough of my little pet peeve rant!  But I think it is important how much time you spent together in person versus electronically.

So I agree with the others who say you cannot will somebody to return love.  I cannot think of a situation where, if a man I loved told me he loved me, I would request time away or reject him.  I also agree that you WILL find someone who deserves and returns your feelings.  It doesn't seem like it now.  The pain is excruciating and all-consuming.  But it will get better.   And you will thank your lucky stars that this didn't work out because of how good the right relationship will be. 

We spent a remarkable amount of time interacting in person

Yes we do interact over electronic considering that fact the she works in the capital city ( we both live in the same neighborhood in the suburbs ) yet she passes by my house almost everyday after work and we sit and chat ( in summer when it started )

I'm actually was giving up the idea of having a partner, and Angel was like a last hope, that's why ( of course without forgetting the fact that I'll be very busy in the future ) I won't be doing much of an effort in finding someone in the future 

[Jaunty]

Okay.  It doesn't really matter though, now that you know she is not on board with those plans.  

Quote

I'm actually was giving up the idea of having a partner, and Angel was like a last hope,

Look.  I understand the feeling of being heartbroken, and how badly it hurts especially when we're young.  But you're 20 years old and I don't think you've yet had a relationship.  You haven't even experienced your "first," so this young woman won't be your "last."

There is a lot you can learn from this experience, if you are open to that.  There are plenty of good observations about this here on your thread already.  One of the most important ones is to NOT project YOUR hopes, dreams, expectations, feelings onto another person.  What THEY hope, dream, expect, feel are what's most important to them.

Respect her position here.  She has been very clear.

[boltnrun]

Yes, you are busy right now. Very busy. But this woman isn't a relief from your stressful, busy life. She's a nice distraction but it's not based in reality. She has been a good friend but she doesn't want to be in a romantic relationship with you. And she has kindly but clearly made that apparent.

You will meet someone else. Maybe not this week or this month. But you will. However I can guarantee you WON'T meet the right woman if you're fixating on this one, who clearly doesn't share your vision.

[Bruce0070]

1 minute ago, boltnrun said:

Yes, you are busy right now. Very busy. But this woman isn't a relief from your stressful, busy life. She's a nice distraction but it's not based in reality. She has been a good friend but she doesn't want to be in a romantic relationship with you. And she has kindly but clearly made that apparent.

You will meet someone else. Maybe not this week or this month. But you will. However I can guarantee you WON'T meet the right woman if you're fixating on this one, who clearly doesn't share your vision.

She does share it but there's not a flame or " emotional connection "

Thank you for replying again

[boltnrun]

2 minutes ago, Bruce0070 said:

She does share it but there's not a flame or " emotional connection "

Thank you for replying again

Your vision includes you two as a romantic couple. She does not feel the same. So no, you two don't share the same vision.

I do believe the right woman for you is out there. However, as I wrote earlier you won't meet the right woman if you refuse to.

[Bruce0070]

9 minutes ago, Jaunty said:

Okay.  It doesn't really matter though, now that you know she is not on board with those plans.  

Look.  I understand the feeling of being heartbroken, and how badly it hurts especially when we're young.  But you're 20 years old and I don't think you've yet had a relationship.  You haven't even experienced your "first," so this young woman won't be your "last."

There is a lot you can learn from this experience, if you are open to that.  There are plenty of good observations about this here on your thread already.  One of the most important ones is to NOT project YOUR hopes, dreams, expectations, feelings onto another person.  What THEY hope, dream, expect, feel are what's most important to them.

Respect her position here.  She has been very clear.

Yes I'm always open to every POV and lesson , I already said that in my initial post, I mean that's why I wrote all of this , and still replying to every single person here, to understand your POVs and comprehend all your patterns and learn the lesson , because I believe pain is the best teacher, and when this happend I knew there was something new to understand and learn

Yes I'm respecting her position as I'm not interacting with her right now although the thought of texting her is more than " itching "

[Batya33]

When I was single and wanted to be married -from around 1985-2005 (started dating my husband in 2005 -we originally met at work in 1994) - I was just as busy -if more busy -than you especially from 1991-2005 - and I mostly dated extremely busy men. And it was more time consuming in a way without technology for many of those years.  We made the time to be out there meeting people.  If you want a serious relationship badly enough you will, too.  Without sacrificing your grades or career etc at all. In fact it will make you even more efficient.  

I'm sorry this situation didn't work out and I hope you feel better.

[Bruce0070]

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

When I was single and wanted to be married -from around 1985-2005 (started dating my husband in 2005 -we originally met at work in 1994) - I was just as busy -if more busy -than you especially from 1991-2005 - and I mostly dated extremely busy men. And it was more time consuming in a way without technology for many of those years.  We made the time to be out there meeting people.  If you want a serious relationship badly enough you will, too.  Without sacrificing your grades or career etc at all. In fact it will make you even more efficient.  

I'm sorry this situation didn't work out and I hope you feel better.

Thank you very much for replying again and again xDD

I'll be shifting my energy and effort ( already doing that for almost a year now , before this fall ) towards my ultimate goal which is the exam in June , at least that's the only thing that can be done with work and reason ( without emotions xD ) 

Apparently I shouldn't have let myself reach this point in the first place.

I can't thank you enough ma'am, I really appreciate your help

 

[Bruce0070]

3 minutes ago, Bruce0070 said:

Thank you very much for replying again and again xDD

I'll be shifting my energy and effort ( already doing that for almost a year now , before this fall ) towards my ultimate goal which is the exam in June , at least that's the only thing that can be done with work and reason ( without emotions xD ) 

Apparently I shouldn't have let myself reach this point in the first place.

I can't thank you enough ma'am, I really appreciate your help

 

Seeing her online kinda hurts

[boltnrun]

8 minutes ago, Bruce0070 said:

Seeing her online kinda hurts

Remove her from your contacts.

You don't have to block her or anything. She hasn't done anything wrong. But if seeing her name on your contacts list bothers you, why not just mute her for the next couple of months?

[Bruce0070]

6 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Remove her from your contacts.

You don't have to block her or anything. She hasn't done anything wrong. But if seeing her name on your contacts list bothers you, why not just mute her for the next couple of months?

Yes she didn't do anything wrong, and It's doesn't bother me, I mean seeing her online is like , aight at least she's alive , but at the same time it kind hurts , can't put it into words xD , and a question pops in my mind : does she think about me ? 

[MrMan1983]

Sorry you're going through this, been through it at your age and know those feelings too well but unfortunately you won't be able to use facts and logic to make her feel a certain way about you (eg. cards on table talks etc), in fact the best way for her to regain interest (if she does feel anything) would be to give her space, work on yourself (for you, not her) and maybe get in touch in the future once the dust has settled.

I would recommend checking this out too

'Corey Wayne - How to be a 3% man' on there actually covers a lot of the type of situation you have discussed on here and is worth a read because you may find a lot of the advice relatable, it's not some pickup artist book it really goes into the dynamics of males and females, how they are different and the best ways to handle a lot of situations.

[Bruce0070]

47 minutes ago, MrMan1983 said:

Sorry you're going through this, been through it at your age and know those feelings too well but unfortunately you won't be able to use facts and logic to make her feel a certain way about you (eg. cards on table talks etc), in fact the best way for her to regain interest (if she does feel anything) would be to give her space, work on yourself (for you, not her) and maybe get in touch in the future once the dust has settled.

I would recommend checking this out too

Thank you for replying , I'll check that book too .

That was my thought , giving her time and space , in the meantime I'll carry on working and then get in touch with her again in the future ( but the problem here is I don't know when I should get in touch ( if It's a good idea in the first place ) , she told me to take 2 months away from here  but I don't know..)

[Batya33]

48 minutes ago, Bruce0070 said:

Yes she didn't do anything wrong, and It's doesn't bother me, I mean seeing her online is like , aight at least she's alive , but at the same time it kind hurts , can't put it into words xD , and a question pops in my mind : does she think about me ? 

She might. I think about and have thought about exes from time to time and they have thought about me. Doesn’t mean they wanted to date me again. And vice versa. 

[smackie9]

When someone writes novel size post, I suspect they have some OCD, or is obsessive or can get desperate in some way. That right there is what scared her away. You got too clingy/obsessive, she's now running for the hills. If you had played it kool, maybe be a little aloof from time to time she would have been more comfortable/interested. We desire most what we can't have or get too close to....to be desirable is to be less available. I know plenty who see not doing anything as losing opportunity...well for a lot of people, it's nicer to chase and wonder a little bit. 

Next time restrain your excitement...set social boundaries, relax, pull yourself back, let things happen on their own. 

[AndieA]

3 hours ago, Bruce0070 said:

We spent a remarkable amount of time interacting in person

Yes we do interact over electronic considering that fact the she works in the capital city ( we both live in the same neighborhood in the suburbs ) yet she passes by my house almost everyday after work and we sit and chat ( in summer when it started )

I'm actually was giving up the idea of having a partner, and Angel was like a last hope, that's why ( of course without forgetting the fact that I'll be very busy in the future ) I won't be doing much of an effort in finding someone in the future 

You are only 20, I wish you the best in the future.  I don't think you should have a fatalistic attitude, but "not looking" can be very successful.  I know this from experience.  And as others have said, it is one of the greatest pains that exists, we have all been there,  and I hope you can concentrate on your studies and other endeavors.  

[Andrina]

On 10/30/2023 at 1:09 PM, Bruce0070 said:

The pain I felt at that moment , I was coming home from the laboratory at night , I crashed in the middle of the street, barely was able to get home , I sat on the bed , I was paralysed , I couldn't move , I had to get up and hit the gym as it closes in less than 2 hours , I also had to *** my dinner and then study , so it was a long night ahead , yet I couldn't , for the first time I felt , helpless, incapable, I lost conscious of time and place and then I burst in tears ( I didn't cry for 6 years ) my brain , the only thing I had , depended on , my only weapon , wasn't functioning at all...I called my bestfriend who was in the same city as I , he told me he'd come immediately. I went to workout ( as it it a sacred task I must not skip under any circumstances ) then came home with my bestfriend , he was trying to calm me down , I was...hysterical( for the first time) then , she called me

This was all about someone you never even dated, but whom you were interested in romantically. It is behavior way out of the norm, so you really need to make an appointment with a uni psychologist.

You're obviously very type A in all things and used to excelling academically, so when it happened that you felt as though you failed in romance, you can't accept it. So much so that when you think of it as failing, you don't want to risk failing again and just throw up your hands in defeat to never try again.

Really, if you will be too busy in a career in the future to search for a partner, then how is it that if you got together with your present love interest, that you'd have time to devote to her? You can't just reel in someone, promising them shelter and expensive gifts, believing that will ensure a happy relationship even though you have no time for her.

Do you feel anxious when you don't get a set amount of gym time in? If you say no to requests of your fellow students asking you to tutor them or help them, etc? If so, that's further proof you could do with psychological sessions with a professional.

You've already shown serious signs of mental burnout and no wonder with your schedule. Please don't sabotage yourself even further by getting a restraining order against you by some frightened woman when you show up without announcement and won't take no for an answer. Believe me, the consequences will end in you not getting jobs you hoped for when they look to see if you have a criminal record, etc.

Your schedule right now isn't fair for any woman to be involved with you at the moment. And it's best you start reconsidering a life plan where you will have a healthy balance of time in a career, time with a spouse, friends, family, and time to yourself for leisure time.

For now, see if some of your gym time and time helping fellow students can be whittled to make less steam inside your pressure cooker. Good luck and let us know how it goes.

[catfeeder]

My heart goes out to you. You do realize that your plan was really intense, right?

Did you assume that she would be willing to put her own dating life on hold for 3 years to wait for you?

[Bruce0070]

2 hours ago, smackie9 said:

When someone writes novel size post, I suspect they have some OCD, or is obsessive or can get desperate in some way. That right there is what scared her away. You got too clingy/obsessive, she's now running for the hills. If you had played it kool, maybe be a little aloof from time to time she would have been more comfortable/interested. We desire most what we can't have or get too close to....to be desirable is to be less available. I know plenty who see not doing anything as losing opportunity...well for a lot of people, it's nicer to chase and wonder a little bit. 

Next time restrain your excitement...set social boundaries, relax, pull yourself back, let things happen on their own. 

So the whole energy I put in to attract her was only pushing her even further

...

makes sense

"let things happen on their own"

Yeah, well I don't think I can do that, I mean I always plan and make proactive strategies before I get into anything, I need to know the general structure of what I'm getting into, with a specific goal ahead

[MrMan1983]

2 hours ago, Bruce0070 said:

Thank you for replying , I'll check that book too .

That was my thought , giving her time and space , in the meantime I'll carry on working and then get in touch with her again in the future ( but the problem here is I don't know when I should get in touch ( if It's a good idea in the first place ) , she told me to take 2 months away from here  but I don't know..)

Listen to her with the 2 months thing, it may be your last chance to prove you can listen and have some self control. If you start contacting her early again that’s pretty much game over if it isn’t already. You’re under the illusion of action, when the best course of action is no action. She’ll get in touch if she wants to contact you sooner.

[Bruce0070]

1 hour ago, Andrina said:

This was all about someone you never even dated, but whom you were interested in romantically. It is behavior way out of the norm, so you really need to make an appointment with a uni psychologist.

You're obviously very type A in all things and used to excelling academically, so when it happened that you felt as though you failed in romance, you can't accept it. So much so that when you think of it as failing, you don't want to risk failing again and just throw up your hands in defeat to never try again.

Really, if you will be too busy in a career in the future to search for a partner, then how is it that if you got together with your present love interest, that you'd have time to devote to her? You can't just reel in someone, promising them shelter and expensive gifts, believing that will ensure a happy relationship even though you have no time for her.

Do you feel anxious when you don't get a set amount of gym time in? If you say no to requests of your fellow students asking you to tutor them or help them, etc? If so, that's further proof you could do with psychological sessions with a professional.

You've already shown serious signs of mental burnout and no wonder with your schedule. Please don't sabotage yourself even further by getting a restraining order against you by some frightened woman when you show up without announcement and won't take no for an answer. Believe me, the consequences will end in you not getting jobs you hoped for when they look to see if you have a criminal record, etc.

Your schedule right now isn't fair for any woman to be involved with you at the moment. And it's best you start reconsidering a life plan where you will have a healthy balance of time in a career, time with a spouse, friends, family, and time to yourself for leisure time.

For now, see if some of your gym time and time helping fellow students can be whittled to make less steam inside your pressure cooker. Good luck and let us know how it goes.

I don't know about that but I don't think we have a uni psychologist

and even if we do, I'm not really into the idea of therapy

Actually I used to be type A , for the past couple of years I've been down a lot , failing a lot, so I started hitting the gym and getting some *** done and actually developing myself, I'm still doing that as I didn't achieve my goals yet, but in nutshell, I've faced failure many times, and I think I will again, and I'm happy to do so.

Gym for me is a sacred activity , I always try find time to hit the gym, even if there is not. I never said no to anyone, my doors are always open for anyone, and I help everyone.

What are some of the signs of mental burnout?

My schedule is full only for a couple of years ( one year is done already ) because this is the preparatory school routine , always busy, that's why people hate it , you literally don't have time for anything, but in return you become tough( without mentioning how advanced the math and physics we study ) 

After I finish this year, I'll have more free time ( I'm thinking about dedicating that time to freelance ) I already told her that we should start dating, after I finish this yeah ( as I sit for the nationa exam in June ) when I'll be having a lot of free time

Yes sometimes I isolate myself to focus more on myself ( I usually do that during the exams week )

Thank you very much for repyling and explaining your POV

[Bruce0070]

1 hour ago, catfeeder said:

My heart goes out to you. You do realize that your plan was really intense, right?

Did you assume that she would be willing to put her own dating life on hold for 3 years to wait for you?

Thank you,

Yes unfortunately, I assumed she would wait for me for 3 years until I graduate from engineering school , and by that time I assumed that our relationship would have reached the deepest point possible , which is the best time to get engaged

[Bruce0070]

5 minutes ago, MrMan1983 said:

Listen to her with the 2 months thing, it may be your last chance to prove you can listen and have some self control. If you start contacting her early again that’s pretty much game over if it isn’t already. You’re under the illusion of action, when the best course of action is no action. She’ll get in touch if she wants to contact you sooner.

I already did contact her within 24h xD, I had a question that was spamming my mind (the question was , what was the actual source of her actions towards me in summer ) 

she answered me and then I lost control and starting shooting questions and getting emotional again, she got a little bit mad because we agreed about the 2 months thing only to me breaking it in less thatn 24h but I told her that I didn't mean anything bad , apologized and stopped right there

[catfeeder]

2 hours ago, Bruce0070 said:

Thank you,

Yes unfortunately, I assumed she would wait for me for 3 years until I graduate from engineering school...

Are you aware that at her age, she is as the height of her fertility years right now?