could he harm himself or someone else

[AndieA]

I realize there will never be enough information for a 100% informed reply, but any advice at this point would help.  Kind of a long story but I will try to be as brief as possible.  I was in high school 50+ years ago, and there was a boy who proclaimed he was deeply in love with me.  I did not share those feelings and we did not date.  Although he took up my religion and hobbies to attend events where he knew I would be.    Of course after high school we led different lives, he got a PhD and was very successful in his field.  He was married and had kids.  I was married and had kids as well.  He divorced apparently after 20 years of marriage and I am widowed after almost 40 years.   We saw each other when he came back to our hometown when his brother died, and I was still married.  Shortly after my husband died, he contacted me to tell me he has still been in love with me all this time and sent me all these poems he had written over the years.  I told him I could not deal with these emotions after my husband just died.  Truth also being, I could never love him.   That was several years ago and he lives half way across the country.  He never managed his money well and still has to work.  He claims he absolutely loves what he does so he doesn't mind working.  He never brought up his feelings again except* (see below).  However, he told me recently that he was on the verge of committing suicide back in high school because I would not go out with him.  Also, he talks about when he was in undergraduate school (Chemistry major) how he and his lab partner proved to their professor they could make a body disappear.  In other words the perfect crime.  He has brought this fact up on occasion.  He calls me once a week on a weekend evening just to talk.  I don't think he has very many friends he can talk to.    *He mentioned recently he bought an RV so the 2 of us can travel after he retires.  He is an academic snob and very controlling personality which are 2 turnoffs to me.  So ANYWAY, I feel like I should tell him that there will never be anything between us and I now have someone in my life whom I love and we spend all of our free time together.   Last week he started out the conversation with how very depressed he is all of a sudden and hates his job.  So my problem is, do I tell him what I mentioned above, in his mental state.  Since he mentioned us traveling after he retires, I am afraid that he has the idea that we will be together.  I don't want him to have this delusion, but I am afraid of his mental state now.  What do you all think?  

[SherrySher]

You should have been honest with him right from the start about never wanting it to be romantic between you two, before it got this far.

You need to tell him as soon as possible so that he isn't continuing to have false ideas.

Why on earth did you reconnect with this man when you knew years ago that you did not share the same feelings? 

Also the fact that he felt the need to mention how he could make a body disappear, is far more concerning then anything else.

This guy creeps me out.

[Batya33]

I would send him a very brief message where you politely wish him well, and politely ask him not to contact you any longer.  Give no reasons or apologies. Shorter is better. 
click send and then block him everywhere. It sounds like he lives far away and doesn’t have the wherewithal to show up. I would not mention your boyfriend because you don’t want him figuring out who it is and contacting him. 

[boltnrun]

Also, please notify family members of his veiled threats.  And consider notifying the authorities.

I received a threatening phone call many years ago and I reported it to the police. They told me if I perceived the call as a threat it absolutely needed to be reported. I also informed my family and (of course) my husband. I wanted to be sure that if I disappeared they would have a very good idea who was responsible.

[catfeeder]

I don’t understand why you would continue contact with this man after he raised that he could make a body disappear. I’d contact domesticviolence.org for a referral to a local resource or your local hospital’s social services department for a referral to a specialist who can help you to plan a safe exit from this man AND a submission of all facts in your post to your local police for advisement.

[Batya33]

21 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Also, please notify family members of his veiled threats.  And consider notifying the authorities.

I received a threatening phone call many years ago and I reported it to the police. They told me if I perceived the call as a threat it absolutely needed to be reported. I also informed my family and (of course) my husband. I wanted to be sure that if I disappeared they would have a very good idea who was responsible.

Great point and I should have noted this too. Thank you. 

[Jaunty]

I'm having trouble wrapping my mind around why you, a woman in your 70's, has maintained contact with a guy from high school who was never even a true friend.  

Phone calls once a week?  Why?

[AndieA]

I do not believe in the normal course of life he would kill himself or anybody else.  I am sorry that is how this post came across.   He values life and loves his boys and grandchildren.  He did not mention the body disappearing as a threat, but in the course of telling me about some things during his graduate studies.   This and his suicide thoughts in high school only ONLY became a concern to me when he mentioned last week how depressed he was.  I have never heard him talk like that and didn't know if my final rejection would send him over the edge.  I really do not have a lot of experience with depression so that is why I posted the question.  In hindsight maybe it was just a transient feeling and he felt comfortable expressing it to me.  

Just to reply to some of the comments, we were friends in high school, IMO that was his decision if he could tolerate it.  He dated other people.  He also dated after his divorce.  Maybe my becoming a widow gave him some false hopes because he never mentioned his feelings until that time, and hasn't since, except for the travel thing, and maybe I have totally misinterpreted that.  

  He called last night and he sounded more upbeat and even told me he knows that he is not the one to make me happy.  If just a friendship is okay with him and he knows that as 100% fact, is it wrong/dangerous? to remain friends. 

Sherry Sher yes I agree with your assessment.   But I can't go back and change that, I can only correct it now. 

 

[Jaunty]

Tell him that you're in a relationship, speak kindly, wish him well, say goodbye, and do not talk to him anymore.  Block him from your contacts.  

Frankly, it would be outright stupid to remain "friends" with this person.   

Someone who is in a committed relationship (you) generally knows better than to entertain a "friendship"  with somebody who's professed undying love, sent reams of poetry, and has plans for traveling together off into the sunset.   

It seems like common sense to me.

[boltnrun]

Every time you accept his calls it gives him false hope.

Yes, you may clearly state you feel only friendly emotions toward him but I've seen this happen a zillion times. He tells himself "she wouldn't spend all this time talking to me if she didn't feel the same. She wouldn't keep taking my calls if she didn't love me back".

Please don't continue to talk to him. Kindly explain that you're in a relationship and you're focusing on your partner.

[AndieA]

Since you all have an outside perspective I will stop communications with him, thank you!