What I did is haunting me every moment, how can I forgive and change?

[Guest]

I did something incredibly horrible. This also caused the end of my first relationship last week. If you want to know more, I have another post about it.

Firstly, I still feel guilty because of the pain I put my ex in. It is just pure, simple guilt all day long. This guilt comes along with haunting shame and fear. If my close friends and people get to know what I did, saying if my girlfriend and her friends are talking about this to others, my whole social life would be shattered and I would be left alone. I would not know where to go or what to do then. My complete life would be destroyed. Even if they dont get to know this, that thought itself makes me hate myself and unable to look in the mirror.

I dont know how much my ex is telling other people about what I did, but her closest friend knows for sure and nothing is going to guarantee that she isnt telling people about it. It could get to my friends, especially if my ex feels like she needs to get revenge on me. I know how dumb and bad and horrible and stupid and morally wrong and blameworthy it is what I did. I knew before I did, but it didnt prevent me, which makes it so much worse. Im filled with shame and regret.

I cant ask my ex to not tell anybody, since I did not respect others privacy and boundaries this might upset her even more. I am not exaggerating, if my friends find out, I am done. This action and my ex has so immense power over me and feel hopeless. I regret it so much and I will never do something like this again, but I feel like there is bomb and I cannot hear it ticking, I dont know if it ticking and I cant prevent it from blowing me away.

Everytime I go outside and meet someone or see colleagues, I am asking myself, do they know? Do they look at me differently, why arent they as friendly as last time? Are they observing me? How and when did they find out? Is my ex willing to completely destroy me because I broke her trust? It haunts me and I cant sleep because of it.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, JayCube said:

 Is my ex willing to completely destroy me because I broke her trust? It haunts me and I cant sleep because of it.

What did you do that was so heinous? 

Is this the same woman?:

 

[Guest]

30 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

What did you do that was so heinous? 

Is this the same woman?

I created deepfakes of people I know, and yes it is the same women. Cant believe I sexualized people I know without their consent. I know how wring it is, and I will never commit such evil thing again. I need to change the way i percieve women and stop objectifying them. 
I dont know what to do, wether she tells my friends or not is completely upt to her and I have no power of thr Situation after I told her. I knew it was wrong and that I needed to change something, thats why I told her. After looking at those images I couldnt sleep. I deleted everything, but I regret telling her. I shouldve stayed quiet and dealt with it on my own, as already said I knew how wrong it was.

[Wiseman2]

37 minutes ago, JayCube said:

I created deepfakes of people I know.  Cant believe I sexualized people I know without their consent. 

What do you mean by created deepfakes of people you know? Do you mean alternating images of these people for example putting their faces on pornography to masturbate to? 

Have you destroyed this material? Obviously deepfakes are illegal if you used people's images for imaginary pornography. Please seek out some counseling if you feel you have deviant behavior that could lead to illegal actions. 

[Guest]

23 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

What do you mean by created deepfakes of people you know? Do you mean alternating images of these people for example putting their faces on pornography to masturbate to? 

Have you destroyed this material? 

Yes thats what i did, and yes i destroyed everything.

[TacticalLinguine]

Big difference between guilt and shame. What’s done is done, call up a therapist if you haven’t already and for the love of everything that matters, never again create deepfakes of people close to you.. 

[Guest]

39 minutes ago, TacticalLinguine said:

for the love of everything that matters, never again create deepfakes of people close to you.. 

trust me, I wont

 

[Batya33]

I'd see a therapist because this is alllll about you - how you are going to be perceived, who is going to know, what the consequences will be.  I think you need a major attitude shift - you did this, you get the consequences from harming other humans.  I'd figure out how to make this as right as possible -for your victims. I don't see any regret in your post other than regret for the consequences to you.

How about volunteering behind the scenes at a shelter for female victims of domestic violence  - help with administrative stuff, fundraising - likely not where you're in direct contact with the women since you're still in that mindset of treating women like objects but you'll start to see what can happen when human beings are treated like objects.  

Assume everyone knows or will know.  Assume who you victimized can share with anyone and everyone.  And when it comes up in individual situations, deal with the fallout then instead of catastrophizing -instead channel  your energy into getting out of your head, your pity party and helping others and perhaps getting to a place where  you see women as human beings in general and don't have the desire to objectify them and treat them as less than to the extent you do.

Good luck.

[lostandhurt]

Worrying about might happen is useless.  You have no control over if word gets out or how the  people around you will react.

 What you did was pretty creepy there is no doubt so your gf may by embarrassed she was dating such a creepy guy and not tell anyone else. 

I am curious why you confessed to your gf since the consequences are so high.

Lost

[Cherylyn]

You can't undo the past.  All you can do is become a better person from this day forward and continue improving.  Be smart.  Be kind,  considerate and respectful of others.  This is how you forgive yourself so you can move on and seriously change permanently.  Get rid of the old you and start anew.  Think long and hard and be intelligent. 

[smackie9]

Some people won't believe it, some will think about it for a second and move on to something else, some won't care, some will mind their own business, some may pass judgment, some will get over it, some will think "oh well" or "You does say!". Your life isn't over, this will be yesterdays news if you let it. This will blow over, and then no one will even think about it.