Friends with benefits from the past is back and acting different than before

[BrooklynGuardian]

I am a 37 year old female never married no kids and he is a 39-year-old male never married no kids. We met on tinder in 2015. I was 29 and he was 31. At the time I was living at my parents house, and I remember we met at a local coffee shop and we talked and laughed and we sat in his car and listened to music. He never wanted a relationship and he was honest from the start and I was never the type of girl to try to convince the guy to be in one and then make a fool out of myself doing so. I’m pretty level headed. I was always more relationship oriented. So I thanked him for his honesty, and told him that I would like to be friends. He was also level headed about me rejecting friends with benefits and respected it. 

About a week later, I heard from him again, and he proposed it again. He said I know you want a boyfriend, but could we maybe try this and if you don’t like it, we don’t have to continue. And if you like friends with benefits, you could end things whenever you meet your special somebody. He said I will treat you with respect in the process which he always did by the way. I gave in because I was in a dry spell and was not meeting any good men. I had no hopes in him ever wanting more. He was safe and honest and respectful throughout the entire process and never did anything to make me uncomfortable. I gave it a try and he was safe and clean and made me feel like a straight up goddess. This went on and off for about three years. I was 2 relationships separately during that time and while I had potential to be serious with them, they were not men I wanted to spend the rest of my life with, so after every break up, I would run back to him and his bed and he would always accept me with open arms and a plate of food. I never once tried to push him for more or try to pressure him into a relationship because I knew it wasn’t his thing. He always fed me and treated me with respect. But eventually, I realized that my needs could never be met carrying on like this so I ended it in 2018. I won’t exactly say that I caught feelings but him and I have a lot in common and we are very compatible when we are together but again it is not my job to convince him to be in a relationship or at least give it a try. I knew he was severely emotionally unavailable at that time, so I did not push for anything. 

I ran into him two years later so randomly in 2020 after the height of the pandemic. I did not know he had moved someplace else and he was sitting on the porch lo and behold as I was walking in a different neighborhood. He came up to me and hugged me immediately. We talked and exchanged numbers again but I never met up with him. I knew he still did not want a relationship and I was 34 looking for somebody ready for marriage. I politely declined his advances, and told him that I would always be his friend. 

We did not talk again for another three years and June of this year I don’t know how he still had my number but he did and he reached out and he immediately asked if I was seeing someone. I have been having a very bad time in the dating world, without any prospects and I knew what he was all about so I questioned his intentions and set some boundaries from the start. He is in a much, happier, state, mentally, and doing much better for himself and worked through a lot of his past trauma. I didn’t like what he had to say though he said he does not wanna date me, but he loves being around me and spending time with me, but he thought we could do things different this time like go out to more dinners and movies. I declined because it sounded like a bunch of BS to me. I declined his multitude of advances throughout the whole summer. This was in the end of June. We were following each other on Instagram. I went to a party in late September , and my friend and I were posting stories of us in cocktail dresses. He commented on the stories, and then he texted me and he said, can we just please make real plans and do some thing for real? So I gave in and I asked him what he had in mind and he suggested we go out to eat. We never went on real dates in the past. It had been five years since we were last intimate. I met him for dinner to feel out his true intentions, and also see if there was still a spark, or anything worth exploring. Chemistry was fire ! So he’s been a little more consistent and texting me more frequently and more into cuddling lately and that was really never his thing since he was very emotionally unavailable in the past. I was always able to accept the fact that he would never want more. I still continue to go on dates and try to meet other prospects who want the same type of relationship that I do but without luck. I don’t have any hopes of him and I ever becoming more than friends with benefits, or just casually dating nor do I want to push for more. He is still making more consistent plans with me, but I don’t know what to think of it anymore. My options are open and I’m not putting all of my eggs into one basket and I don’t mind moving slowly with him but at the same time I don’t have years to waste. I am not the type of woman to demand a relationship from a man who doesn’t want one and I don’t give ultimatums but I am also at a crossroads with him, and I don’t know if I should just dead him forever or have a serious talk with him. We are big on open honesty with one another and we have really good communication both in and outside of the bedroom. I am still feeling everything out so I guess I will give it time as this is fresh and new again.  This is someone who was once very avoidant, and very skittish about the idea of a relationship due to severe past trauma that he has worked though with therapy. He used to be skiddish about cuddling too and now he’s all about it. So while his current efforts might not seem like much; for what I’m used to from him, this is a lot. I asked why he keeps coming back after all these years and he just said it’s the comfort level and the communication we have together and he can be himself around me. It’s hard to tell at this point if he’s playing games or if he’s a man who realized what was right in front of him the whole time. I am prepared for any harsh truth. I’m thinking this is a good time of year to see his true colors, because if the holidays approach, and he bails that I will know for Sure to move on from him forever. Any advice or opinions no matter how harsh are welcomed. 

[Wiseman2]

17 minutes ago, BrooklynGuardian said:

I don’t have any hopes of him and I ever becoming more than friends with benefits, or just casually dating nor do I want to push for more. 

Please trust your instincts. You seem to actually want a lot more than hookups and FWB.

But you also seem to pass up other dating opportunities for the hope that when he acts like a human being instead of his rigid cold FWB "rules", it means there's a  possibility of potential. All you can do is cut your losses or continue on this merry-go-round. 

You seem to be running your life according to whatever is best and convenient for him. Please be true to yourself and set yourself free to live the life you want. 

[Kwothe28]

I am gona be honest. His current effort is there just because you wouldnt hook up otherwise. Not because he wants more. People like him love to have a safe way out. For example if you asked for a relationship he would say how he already told you he doesnt do that. But he knows you wouldnt hook up otherwise. So he promised you more "dating experiences" without an actual dating. To make it seem to you like you are dating. Its all one big "smoke screen". To mask how all he wanted is hookup.

And you also know that as it seems. But you still succumb to his little games. OK sex is maybe good. But you are wasting time there. You are 37. You didnt wrote if you want family and/or kids, some people dont want that and that is fair. But if you want that, you are just wasting your best years now. Sorry to say, but if you want that, you will have to get rid of men like him. 

[lostandhurt]

He is wasting your time plain and simple.  I agree he only stepped up to this new cuddly guy after you refused his advances.  In a way you made him change, he didn't do it because he wanted to.

 Clearly you have feelings for him and he does not for you.   You want something he is not capable of but yet you hope he will change like a Hallmark movie or something.

  He is a safe bet for companionship which skews your dating experience and choices.  The guy you really want is only a text away so you are more than likely more critical of anyone you meet even if you know logically you cannot be in  a relationship with him.

 Read your thread back carefully from a third person view.  Do you see how he played you?  Do you see how he lured you into this situation and now after all these years lured you back?  It is interesting reading how you give him so much credit for change.  The bar was so low to start any amount of emotional sharing from him would seem like a big deal to you.  It is like walking through the desert dying of thirst when you come across a muddy puddle and think it is the best water you have ever had in your whole life. 

 I am sorry but wasting one more minute waiting for him to become what you want is 60 seconds to long.

 Lost

[Batya33]

I don't think you were played at all -you want to be this cool lady who is not like those people who push people who don't want a relationship with them to be in one - you settled for food and sex and called it coyly "friends with benefits".  Nothing at all has changed. He doesn't see you as girlfriend material and even less and less over the years because he sees how you say lots of words about wanting a potentially serious relationship but you choose to have intercourse with him - he's not emotionally available -for you - you are not his therapist and assume that for the right woman for him he'd be "available" -even if you're right - assume that -to protect your heart.

Please stop playing games -with yourself.

I started dating my future husband shortly after my 39th birthday.  We started trying to conceive when we were 40.  It took over a year (although we were long distance for a lot of that time) and I had a successful first time ever pregnancy and gave birth at age 42.  I was VERY lucky.  It was VERY stressful emotionally to have a high risk pregnancy and my medical condition post partum likely was because of my age.  Our son is awesome. But again -I was lucky.  I also was lucky to find my husband when we were 39 and 38.  We'd been involved seriously years in the past.

If you actually do want a potentially serious relationship stop telling yourself how awesome you are for not being the type of person to give an ultimatum - give an ultimatum to yourself. Promise yourself you will stop having sex with him and stop lying to yourself and if you choose to have sex with him again and enjoy his food - how about find an amount of $ that will hurt and you have to give it to your favorite charity or something like that.  Time's a wasting.

[catfeeder]

When nothing changes, nothing changes. Okay, so he’s learned how to use physical affection to keep you around, but where does that get you? A preoccupation with a distraction from your ultimate goal.

Most people are not our match. So don’t waste full date nights on anyone you haven’t screened yet. Instead, set up quick meets over coffee on your way home from work to spend 20 minutes to check one another out. You both agree that neither will ask for a full date on the spot, but either can invite the other afterward. If the answer is no, then no response is necessary, and this bypasses squirmy rejection stuff.

Focus on meeting the needle in the haystack that will make a good match for what you want instead of wasting your time and focus on some guy who won’t give you that.

You get to decide how to manage your own time, but while the FWB represents elements of the personality you seek, the guy himself is wasting your time.

If finding love were easy, what would be so special about it?