Separated, no divorce filed. What to do?

[6pss3]

I’ve been seeing a man for months who’s a lot older and has been married a long time. Older kids. When we met, his wife had just filed for divorce. He said he wasn’t making her happy, etc. She moved out & far away. He’s an investment banker & she basically didn’t work the whole marriage aside from managing a consulting biz of his, which spells trouble for him in terms of alimony. He said her lawyer was making awful offers, & she told him she’d “make things even worse” for him once he found a younger hotter woman, so he’d better “get it done now.” (I know right?!) So he kept refusing to settle, telling me he has no idea how he could give up that much in assets willingly. Then, last month, she withdrew the divorce and told him he’d have to do it.

 

He says things with her currently are amicable, but there will never be any romantic rekindling- that’s been over for years. She continues to live a thousand miles away, but when their son comes back to their house for the upcoming holiday, she’ll come back to celebrate with them. Recently, he had a business trip where their son lives & was supposed to meet his wife & son beforehand, but I had an important event (where he met my close family & friends), so he changed all his travel plans to go with me and admitted that to her eventually. (“I’ve told her about you several times,” he said.) She was super upset. He eventually did meet them briefly. At that time I was saying things like, you can let me know if you ever actually file for divorce. Being cold bc I’m afraid of being played. 

 

He told me recently that he doesn’t want to do her a disservice as she’s a good woman, but he has never felt for her- or anyone else, ever- as strongly as he feels about me. We’ve traveled together & I’ve met a number of his friends. He’s publicly affectionate. He tells me often that he loves me (I definitely didn’t say it first - all came from him), and that’s scary bc he wasn’t expecting to be in love during all this. He said clearly things are not clean, as he doesn’t know what/when his next move will be, and he doesn’t want to hold me back. Meaning if I want to see some other man who is “better” and makes things “cleaner.” But then he said of course he doesn’t want to stop seeing me and emphasized that he loves me and asks when he can next take me out.

summary: he says “I love you. Please give me time.” Can I?

[lostandhurt]

What to do?

Continue being his side chick while he is separated or

Dump him because he values his assets more than he values yours.

He will simply keep stalling you both.

 Lost

[6pss3]

1 minute ago, lostandhurt said:

What to do?

Continue being his side chick while he is separated or

Dump him because he values his assets more than he values yours.

He will simply keep stalling you both.

 Lost

It’s not like we’ve been together years. Is he actually supposed to quickly jump at losing millions because I “want him to”?

[Wiseman2]

17 minutes ago, 6pss3 said:

 he doesn’t know what/when his next move will be, and he doesn’t want to hold me back. Meaning if I want to see some other man who is “better” and makes things “cleaner.” 

He's saying it's ok and preferable for you to date others because it's cheaper and more convenient for him to stay married. Is this a sugar arrangement? 

He doesn't really care if you sleep with and date others. If you enjoy hanging out that's fine, but hopefully you're not hoping for a future or marriage.

Since he's still married, you're not exclusive so take his suggestion and start to date single available men who care about you. 

[6pss3]

4 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

He doesn't really care if you sleep with and date others. If you enjoy hanging out that's fine, but hopefully you're not hoping for a future or marriage.

Since he's still married, you're not exclusive so take his suggestion and start to date single available men who care about you. 

In this case- why did he change his plans with his own son to stay back & meet my family and friends at an important event… introduce me to a bunch of his friends… tell me that he loves me?

[lostandhurt]

13 minutes ago, 6pss3 said:

It’s not like we’ve been together years. Is he actually supposed to quickly jump at losing millions because I “want him to”?

No he is supposed to end one relationship BEFORE he starts a new one. He is still married and tied to his wife and this hangs over everything he does.

He will not be losing money, he will be dividing it up fairly with his future ex wife or more correctly the court will be dividing it up fairly.  It is not his money, it is THEIR money.

It seems like you are trying to convince yourself this is all okay when clearly you know it isn't.

Continue as you like but keep your expectations very low on the level of commitment from him.  Eventually his wife will grow tired of all this and take him to court to settle the division of assets. It will happen sooner or later...

Lost

[Wiseman2]

7 minutes ago, 6pss3 said:

In this case- why did he change his plans with his own son to stay back & meet my family and friends at an important event… introduce me to a bunch of his friends… tell me that he loves me?

He's having fun while hanging on to his money and having the perfect excuse to never get serious with you. By staying married he saves money and already told you you're free to date others. He can still be nice to you and say nice things. 

He's enjoying your company, nothing wrong with that. It's up to you if you want marriage and family one day how long you're going to waste time on this. 

[6pss3]

Just now, Wiseman2 said:

He's enjoying your company, nothing wrong with that. It's up to you if you want marriage and family one day how long you're going to waste time on this. 

Guess the problem is how he already does so many things that I want in my life- love the way he makes an effort with my friends and family, makes me dinner after a long day, helps me when I’m sick etc. Feels very different from the kind of man just wanting sex and good times, and that’s even ignoring him telling me repeatedly he loves me

[Wiseman2]

2 minutes ago, 6pss3 said:

 Feels very different from the kind of man just wanting sex and good times, and that’s even ignoring him telling me repeatedly he loves me

It's ok for him to be decent and nice to you, however he's crystal clear that he's not divorcing. 

[6pss3]

9 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

It's ok for him to be decent and nice to you, however he's crystal clear that he's not divorcing. 

You think so? I heard “I need to get my act together now that I’m back from the business travel and file” but then “I still have so much to do before it’s a clean slate”

[rainbowsandroses]

@6pss3what are you wanting from this relationship?  Marriage?  Children of your own?

If so, you must realize he's a poor candidate for that.  I mean he's not even divorced yet and once he is, IF he ever is, it's highly doubtful he's going to want to go there again especially if he's going to lose millions from this divorce.

You say you really enjoy him and the relationship so.....

Why not detach from the outcome and simply enjoy him and your relationship for what it IS, right now, nothing more and nothing less?

Why must it "go somewhere"?  Chances of it 'going anywhere' are slim to none anyway even IF he divorced.  Once burned, twice shy as the saying goes. 

If you're looking for a relationship to 'go somewhere' like marriage and kids of your own, you're barking up the wrong tree.  It's doubtful he will ever be that man, divorce or no divorce.

But since you DO enjoy him and the relationship, continue dating him if you want but STOP allowing him to feed you untruths and string you along. 

Let him know you're smarter than that so he can save his promises.  Tell him (in your own sweet way) you enjoy where things are right NOW, and have no expectations

And mean it!  If you cannot mean it, then stop dating him.

Just my $.02 fwiw.

 

 

 

 

 

[6pss3]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

It's ok for him to be decent and nice to you, however he's crystal clear that he's not divorcing. 

This is good advice. Of course I’m getting hopeful based upon him wanting us to travel together & meet his friends, change his plans w his son & wife to go to something with my family & friends, and telling me insistently he loves me.

I felt like threatening to cut off the sex and even not see him (I said “you’ll never see me again if you don’t think you can file for divorce”) would force the issue, but I always kinda cringe art manipulative people, and it isn’t like we’ve been together for years 

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, 6pss3 said:

 he doesn’t know what/when his next move will be, and he doesn’t want to hold me back. Meaning if I want to see some other man.

He seems ok with you having a BF since he still has a wife. Seems fair enough. It's unclear why you want him to divorce if he doesn't want to. 

[MissCanuck]

1 hour ago, 6pss3 said:

I felt like threatening to cut off the sex and even not see him (I said “you’ll never see me again if you don’t think you can file for divorce”) would force the issue,

When you're resorting to this sort of move (or thinking about it), it means you're in a bad relationship. 

I wouldn't touch this man with a 10-foot pole. It's pretty clear you're the rebound. 

[Kwothe28]

I think it just depends on what you want

- If you want a genuine relationship you will never get it there. He will never divorce her because she could take a lot of his assets. So you will be just stuck with somebody who already has a wife.

- If you want to be the other woman of some rich guy with a wife, then by all means go for it. Just remember that he will never divorce and marry you.

[Batya33]

It's not either or. I had committed boyfriends I wasn't married to, I was pregnant before I got married (we decided to try before marriage since we were in our early 40s), and I knew we weren't legally married but the commitment was real and showed through actions, love, all of it.  I also dated men briefly who told me they weren't "ready" or looking for a relationship, and I dated a man for 5 months who introduced me to all his friends and family and made couple type noises -and never fell in love with me.  

But it's different to date a married man. Separated is still married even if it's "just" for financial reasons.  Married men cannot date.  So he can make commitment noises all he wants and maybe he's sexually monogamous with you but he's not committed in any real sense because that commitment is to his wife.  

You will always be the side person no matter what he says or does or how he introduces you to people.

I knew a couple.  His wife became terminally ill and in a coma.  He didn't divorce her because that way he could fund her care I guess in a more financially efficient way.  He took up with another woman who was in his life as his "partner" for the 15 year plus his wife stayed alive.  Grown kids and they still had a really hard time with it. I met the partner a few times -she was nice, pleasant and she absolutely knew her place - while his wife was alive he was never going to marry her.  It worked for them.  There was a big part of me that "got it" -I mean - at least he was still making sure his wife was cared for as best as possible -but for sure he broke the "for better or for worse" vows.

I know many many people who lose tons financially from divorce.  But they choose divorce so they can start anew and have the opportunity to date and potentially commit to someone else.  HIs money is the priority here- not you.  That's his choice. Now you make yours.

[Andrina]

Never stay when the only way you'll be happy is if a major change happens. When you learned of his situation, what you should've said then, but can still now say is, "Let me know when you're divorced, and if I'm single, we can talk about dating."

Because even if he set up a love nest for you two, when he's still married, all his assets go to his wife and kids. If he croaked, you will be without a place to live, being kicked out. You will not have the benefits many married couples possess, such as if I die first, my husband would still be receiving funds from my pension and retirement account.

And then you say there is a big age gap. Have you ever thought of the cons of dating someone who is far older as time progresses? Just as many people have to do more tasks to take care of their elderly parents, add a partner to that mix if he's as old as your parents.

11 hours ago, 6pss3 said:

He said her lawyer was making awful offers, & she told him she’d “make things even worse” for him once he found a younger hotter woman,

Those words are coming out of his mouth and I'd venture to guess those are HIS thoughts. A younger hotter woman sounds foul and shows just what his ugly mindset is. A man who is a truly caring person would think about how he wants a second chance in life to meet a treasured partner, and would make financial sacrifices and legally free himself so that his partner's life would be the best if could be because of his wise decisions.

You're grasping for straws that the breadcrumbs he throws you mean anything more than that he wants to boink, what he thinks of as, a young hottie .

[Starlight925]

I'm going to echo every other person's thoughts here.

You are being used as his life raft between marriage and the next phase of his life.

"My wife doesn't X, doesn't Y, doesn't Z".     What would she say he doesn't X, Y, or Z?

"My wife will take 1/2 my money".    She's entitled to it.  Deal with it.

"You're so A, B, and C.  I've never had this before".  And he will again, as soon as you help him get through this phase of his life.

He. Is. Not. Available. For. You. To. Date.

I'm sorry.  I know you want to hear the fairy tales.  Go see a movie for that.