Did not miss her then, but miss her now

[Artist45]

I dated a girl for 2.5 months. We ended over a year ago. I was fine with that, but now I miss her like crazy….. Anyone else experience this?

[Kathryn657xx]

Yes, absolutely. Although it may not be 'her' that you miss but rather the feelings you had. I presume it was new/exciting/butterflies and all that... you are probably missing this 'feeling'. Especially if you are in a bit of a "lull" in life recently. I think it's only normal really and I have experienced similar feelings personally. Do things to take your mind of it, you obviously broke up for a reason.

[Batya33]

Yes because feelings aren't facts.  Also you are vulnerable now and emotional about that other woman too.  It's like when we miss loved ones years later but maybe didn't 5 years previously.  Feelings are feelings -not facts/often not rationally based at all.  But I wouldn't react by contacting this person.  If that is your underlying issue/question.

[boltnrun]

You're probably scrambling for a "cure" for the disappointment over your most recent situation not working out the way you'd hoped. It may not be the most practical solution but it's not completely abnormal.

[Artist45]

2 hours ago, Kathryn657xx said:

Yes, absolutely. Although it may not be 'her' that you miss but rather the feelings you had. I presume it was new/exciting/butterflies and all that... you are probably missing this 'feeling'. Especially if you are in a bit of a "lull" in life recently. I think it's only normal really and I have experienced similar feelings personally. Do things to take your mind of it, you obviously broke up for a reason.

Long story short: I was bothered by things I saw when we dated.. she was emotionally closed off, had frequent crying spells and never would say why, a former cutter (over 50 scars on her body) and alcoholic…. I was relieved when we broke up (she ghosted me) because I was about to end things…. But she beat me to it….

I moved on a while ago. But I stupidly  looked at her IG page and saw that she is with someone now… 

Now I wish I had tried to save the relationship…. And I feel like a total loser…..

[redswim30]

OP, I thought you were talking about another woman, not this same one. 

Please be honest with yourself, you haven't moved on.  You've been obsessing. 

I know it hurts, but this relationship was never going to work out.  You weren't compatible.  You have to accept that. 

You're putting her on a pedestal now because you are lonely.  The only way to move forward is to leave her firmly in the past.  Put yourself out there and look for someone with your shared values. 

[boltnrun]

So this whole thing with the emotionally unstable younger woman happened over a year ago? And you're still obsessed?

Please strongly consider professional help. It's completely unnatural to still be obsessed over this very brief dating situation. A professional can be if immense help.

[Batya33]

Many people who are unstable or have a mental illness are in relationships. Some of those relationships are loving and healthy. Some are not. It depends on how the issues and or illness are handled. My father complied with therapy and meds for his mental illness diagnosed in the 1950s. My parents marriage was 62 years until he died. It was extremely difficult for my mother - his hero - and us kids. From the outside we looked like a very typical modern family. Especially with the stigma of mental illness so if was mostly a secret even from me when I was too young to be told the truth.  
checking social media can tell you someone’s relationship status if it’s current. It tells you nothing else that is relevant even if there are posts and photos. Lol some contact me about their new MLM s for fitness or health products. Because my profile photo is from our wedding. I’m in profile. And VERY pregnant although to many I probably just look overweight while my amazing husband is trying to feed me wedding cake. 
so an ex who’s checking sees me delighted and overweight. Not sure how that cuts. 

[Artist45]

17 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

So this whole thing with the emotionally unstable younger woman happened over a year ago? And you're still obsessed?

Please strongly consider professional help. It's completely unnatural to still be obsessed over this very brief dating situation. A professional can be if immense help.

Like I said in another post, I am already getting professional help.  

Yes, I know this is not natural and not healthy...... that is why I am sharing about it.

I feel like you are talking down to me.......

[Batya33]

14 minutes ago, Artist45 said:

Like I said in another post, I am already getting professional help.  

Yes, I know this is not natural and not healthy...... that is why I am sharing about it.

I feel like you are talking down to me.......

It is natural. It seems you might be talking down to yourself in a way - treating yourself with a lack of respect and dignity by associating with people who are extremely unhealthy in a way where you are hurting yourself unnecessarily.  

[Artist45]

1 hour ago, boltnrun said:

So this whole thing with the emotionally unstable younger woman happened over a year ago? And you're still obsessed?

Please strongly consider professional help. It's completely unnatural to still be obsessed over this very brief dating situation. A professional can be if immense help.

Like I said, I was not obsessed at the time of the breakup.. I was relieved…

it wasn’t until over a year later that I became obsessed…

 

[boltnrun]

1 hour ago, Artist45 said:

Like I said in another post, I am already getting professional help.  

Yes, I know this is not natural and not healthy...... that is why I am sharing about it.

I feel like you are talking down to me.......

Not at all talking down. I got professional help when I had a mental health issue that I was unable to resolve on my own.

[Artist45]

6 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Not at all talking down. I got professional help when I had a mental health issue that I was unable to resolve on my own.

Suggesting I get professional help is not talking down…

I was referring to your overall tone in your comments from this thread and from the previous one….

[rainbowsandroses]

2 hours ago, Artist45 said:

Long story short: I was bothered by things I saw when we dated.. she was emotionally closed off, had frequent crying spells and never would say why, a former cutter (over 50 scars on her body) and alcoholic…. I was relieved when we broke up (she ghosted me) because I was about to end things…. But she beat me to it….

I moved on a while ago. But I stupidly  looked at her IG page and saw that she is with someone now… 

Now I wish I had tried to save ,the relationship…. And I feel like a total loser…..

@Artist45, I hope this doesn't sound dismissive but this (bolded) sounds more like your 'ego' is hurt versus your 'feelings'. 

You didn't have feelings for her, you were going to break things off and was happy when she ghosted!  You had moved on.

It was only when you discovered she's dating someone new an entire year later that you became bothered and now obsessed

That's EGO.

Not that it matters, you're gonna have to deal with your obsession either way.

But putting it in the proper perspective is a start.  

Good luck.

 

[Jaunty]

50 minutes ago, Artist45 said:

it wasn’t until over a year later that I became obsessed…

It's good that you recognize that you are experiencing an obsession. The object of an obsession is no longer really pertinent once a person is in the grips of an obsession.

You didn't know or care very much about this girl when you were around her.   It's now about the gigantic place your fantasy about her occupies in your psyche and everyday life.  You do not miss her as the person she really is.  

One thing you can do is to impose some boundaries with yourself about this.  Stop talking about her and your brief encounter with her with anyone except your therapist - who, I'm sure, has already reached the point where they are trying to redirect you so you aren't continuing to fuel this unhealthy addictive "loop" you're stuck in. 

[Artist45]

Thank you

[Artist45]

6 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Yes because feelings aren't facts.  Also you are vulnerable now and emotional about that other woman too.  It's like when we miss loved ones years later but maybe didn't 5 years previously.  Feelings are feelings -not facts/often not rationally based at all.  But I wouldn't react by contacting this person.  If that is your underlying issue/question.

Thank you very much for that.. No, I was not asking if I should contact her….