Got my feelings hurt by a friend (when I asked for a favor)

[NighttimeNightmare]

I just need somewhere to vent.  I got my feelings hurt today, it sounds stupid and petty, like no big deal, but I think it may have hit on a deeper core wound for me 

 

I like doing everything by myself and never asking for help. I can’t remember the last time I ever asked someone to help me. One of the reasons is because I don’t want to give someone the chance to let me down, knowing I’d see them, and subsequently the friendship, differently.  I also tend to be particular In how I want things so it’s just best I do it myself. Fine. 
 

well, the other day I was hanging out with a friend and her neighbor gave me a large floor lamp she was going to sell.  She asked how I was going to get it home (I drive a 2-door coupe) and I playfully joked “what do you think I keep my friend around for?” (As she has an SUV).  Later that evening I went to disassemble the lamp so I could put it in my car (some of the poles hanging out of the window, but I don’t live far), my friend said I was being ridiculous and that she’d drop the lamp at my house over the next week or so.   I said, ok if you insist. 
 

Well a couple days ago my friend txtd and asked if I could give her a hand at her house on Friday. I said sure, I’m available to help.  She said when we were finished she’d drop the lamp off at my house. Cool, plan made.  Win win. 
 

Well yesterday a couple in then neighborhood next to mine had a vintage trunk for sale. I wanted to purchase it but of course it didn’t fit in my car.  I told them I’d make arrangements for pickup and be there to get it in a few days 

now, this is where I got myself low key hurt. my friend phoned to see if I’d still be over her house tomorrow. I said yes and said I had a question.  I explained I made a purchase at a neighboring area 5 minutes away and it can’t fit in my car.  I said since she was going to be by my house with the lamp, would she mind helping me get the trunk.  I said if not, I would rent a uhaul and pick up the trunk and also the lamp, in that case.  
 

the conversation was weird.  She first asked if I needed help lifting it, I said no, it is light, it just doesn’t fit in my car.  Then she asked how big it was. I said about the size of a large suitcase.  At this point I could tell she wasn’t super stoked about this so I was like “you don’t have to if you are uncomfortable.”  But even though I knew I’d likely be renting a uhaul when I made the purchase (I know how to take care of myself), I guess my mind started latching onto the fact she seemed to not want to be bothered with driving 5 minutes to help me out.  Like really? Am I really that much of an inconvenience? 

 

how is she so adamant about dropping this lamp off when I tried to do it on my own (which in hindsight I should have done), but helping me pick up a trunk is over the top? 

At some point in the convo she wanted to know what time id be by her place. I explained if I rent a uhaul I’m unsure what time I’d get to her house cos I need to get to the uhaul place, then drive to her, get the lamp, drive back towards my place to get the trunk, drop both items at my house, return the uhaul, then drive back to her place to help with what she wanted help with.  

 

and again, all I could think was holy sh*t, this person is ok with me doing all of that and helping them with their sh*t, but they can’t help me? She started talking about how she had a lot on her plate, etc etc I said we don’t necessarily have to do any of this tomorrow unless I needed to get the lamp out of her house asap then I’d go and make sure it was gone  

 

this is why I never ask for help.  I’m just flabbergasted. It wasn’t like I ever asked her to bring the lamp to my house to begin with, she insisted, and the only reason I asked for help with the trunk is because she’d already be at my place with the lamp!  I would have NEVER asked otherwise.  She is literally going to be 5 minutes away from where the trunk is! 
 

I don’t know if there was some weird miscommunication, because she seemed at times to not know I was saying the word “trunk,” and not “truck.”  Anyway, I then I told her I’d text tomorrow and we’d touch base on the time I’d be to her place to help out as promised. And she was like “…… I thought we weren’t doing it anymore?” I was like “….what? Were we literally having two separate conversations? Where in the convo did I say we weren’t doing this?  You wanted help at your place, I agreed. The truck thing was separate.”  We were both quiet for several seconds probably trying to process where the communication lapsed

 

I don’t know, whatever the case may be, I already felt the feelings I felt.  On one hand I feel like I don’t have a right to be hurt because I asked if she could help, or if I should get the truck.  I gave her the options o she probably thought I was ok with either option - it would be like asking someone “chocolate or vanilla,” then getting pissed they chose chocolate.  And the thing is, I was ok with her exercising her right to decline helping, until it dawned on me how much out of my way it was with the truck thing when she could just remedy that issue by giving 5 minutes of her time. But no.   But yet she’s ok with me running around like a mad man with uhaul and then coming over and helping her? That’s what hurt my feelings.  Like you’re ok with me getting in my car, driving to do you a solid, but f*ck me.  It also seemed a bit out of character for her which further confused me. 
 

Now, to be clear: If I tell a friend I’ll help them it’s cos I mean it, I don’t expect anything back. I don’t feel owed or entitled to her help, but I guess at the same time one would want to know their friend has got their back and I felt like the one time I actually took a step to ask for help I was reminded why I just don’t do it.  
 

It’s easy for me to help people, but very difficult for me to accept it from others. I already felt weird with her bringing the lamp to my house, I should have just left it at that but I decided to work on allowing someone to be there for me instead of isolating in that way, and look where they got me.  I feel stupid for asking for help.  I plan to ask for clarity tomorrow when I see her in person but in the interim I just needed to talk about this.  I know there are two sides to each story, and I certainly don’t want to treat her any type of way because I arrive with an attitude. (Which if I have, I will cancel and reschedule once I let go of this)

[Kwothe28]

According to Aristotle, there are 3 kinds of friendships:

The friendship of utility- Where people just look what you can do for them

The frienship of pleasure- Based on enjoyment of shared activity but without wanting to share bad moments as well

The friendship of virtue- True friendship of people who like you for yourself and push you to be better person

Unfortunately sounds like yours is the first kind. Where she had no problem in you helping her but she saw a problem when you required her to help you. It could also be miscommunication but I believe she just see it as utility friendship and wasnt keen on helping you. Has this happened before or is this the first time you asked something from her?

Also is it the same "friend" that you want something to happen between you or somebody else?

 

[Andrina]

Well, people disappoint me all the time. I just decide as time goes along if the good outweighs the bad whether to stay in the person's life or not, or lessen the interactions. When it's family, it's a little more complicated whereas I won't be cutting off the person, but in most cases, the majority of my relatives live far away and my physical time with them is limited.

Yeah, it's incomprehensible why some people act the way they do. Not much you can do but shake your head about it, or try to get answers with a discussion. Good luck with that discussion. 

[NighttimeNightmare]

7 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

Unfortunately sounds like yours is the first kind. Where she had no problem in you helping her but she saw a problem when you required her to help you. It could also be miscommunication but I believe she just see it as utility friendship and wasnt keen on helping you. Has this happened before or is this the first time you asked something from her?

I’ve never asked her for help prior to this. It’s just not something I ever ask of anyone 

the entire thing is just weird. It makes no logical sense that she would help with the lamp, but not the trunk.  She was the one who insisted to me not to put it in my car and that she’d bring it over.   
 

she also is someone who will emotionally check in on me, concerned with my day and how I’m doing, etc. which makes this seem even more bizarre.  Like, I don’t keep self-absorbed people around in my life. So I think that’s why I’m also having a strong reaction to this 
 

and it does all seem out of character because she’s also someone who tends to show up for me or stick by me in ways outer circle friends do not. Which took me awhile to get used to - again, because I don’t really like being too close to people 

 

it could just be that she can’t help because of semantics and would be willing to another day. But I already felt like an inconvenience so I’m never asking again 

[NighttimeNightmare]

2 hours ago, Andrina said:

Well, people disappoint me all the time. I just decide as time goes along if the good outweighs the bad whether to stay in the person's life or not, or lessen the interactions. When it's family, it's a little more complicated whereas I won't be cutting off the person, but in most cases, the majority of my relatives live far away and my physical time with them is limited.

Yeah, it's incomprehensible why some people act the way they do. Not much you can do but shake your head about it, or try to get answers with a discussion. Good luck with that discussion. 

I cut people off really easily. Last year I made friends with the lady who moved in next door. Over time she asked for some favors, I could tell she was super stressed so I obliged 

then, when there was a Covid flare up I had to isolate and she txtd if I needed anything. I said I could use help with xyz.  She never responded. So that was the last I ever spoke to her. I just can’t deal with that sh*t 

I don’t expect friends to run around and help me, but if I’ve done things routinely and then I need help once in a blue moon and they can’t help? Naw I’m good.  

this is part of my fear in asking for help: I know there’s a chance the “friendship” will dissolve afterwards. Case in point, this situation im in now.  I never would be in it if I hadn’t have asked and now the friendship is at risk of being dismantled.  But I’ll talk to her about it and see what transpires. 
 

 

[shouldhavelearned]

Amazing

Some things should be so simple

[catfeeder]

Sorry to hear you’re feeling lousy, NN. I hope you’ll talk yourself down from the bridge before tossing the friendship overboard. It doesn’t need to be that fragile, does it?

Sounds like friend was anticipating your help with something tomorrow and wanted to line up her schedule. I think she signaled to you that she’s having a stressful time. So it sounds like she just got knocked for a loop with some added complexity she didn’t anticipate. She struggled to wrap her mind around it, and I think the message was, does this have to happen right now?

So as simple as you might view the task, it sounds like unfortunate timing. I mean, couldn’t you consider your trips after you’ve satisfied your original agreement to help her out?

You’d likely feel better if you just did that, and then she might feel better and more open to helping you out.

Sometimes people just have enough on their plate to cause a tipping point if someone else throws the slightest wrench into that.

[Batya33]

She wasn't a friend but many years ago I donated my clunky desktop computer to a nonprofit.   l lived in a high rise with an elevator.  The woman arrived to retrieve it -we scheduled the time -and she asked me to help get it downstairs (she had a luggage cart). I wasn't dressed. I was busy and it was too heavy for me to help without risking getting hurt. I didn't want to go outside and  to me - I'd donated it for free.  I'd done my good deed and I was surprised at her ask at the last minute -either bring someone with you to help or handle it on your own.  She managed it on her own.  Could I have gotten dressed and spent the 15 minutes getting it to her car on the street at night -yes - did I feel like it? No. So I said no.  She seemed a bit surprised but dealt with it.  From her perspective I was being selfish I bet. Oh well.

[NighttimeNightmare]

19 hours ago, catfeeder said:

 

Sorry to hear you’re feeling lousy, NN. I hope you’ll talk yourself down from the bridge before tossing the friendship overboard. It doesn’t need to be that fragile, does it?

 

Thank you. Do you think I could be victim to my black and white thinking with this one? I’m having a difficult time deciphering if this is just an innocent thing that i overblew, cos I was on edge about asking for help in the first place, or if it’s something indicative of a personality trait I don’t want around me.  Sadly, I feel like I mentally cut her off and out.  She asked if we could reschedule my helping her but I did see her for an unrelated excursion and the entire time I was annoyed  

19 hours ago, catfeeder said:

Sounds like friend was anticipating your help with something tomorrow and wanted to line up her schedule. I think she signaled to you that she’s having a stressful time. So it sounds like she just got knocked for a loop with some added complexity she didn’t anticipate. She struggled to wrap her mind around it, and I think the message was, does this have to happen right now?

It sounded like this as well.  At one point she said “I mean, if it was any other day I’d help.” But I interpreted it as lessening the blow. I didn’t interpret it as sincere. I felt an overwhelming weight of just feeling regretful I ever asked and that someone viewed me as a burden

19 hours ago, catfeeder said:

So as simple as you might view the task, it sounds like unfortunate timing. I mean, couldn’t you consider your trips after you’ve satisfied your original agreement to help her out?

Yes, but how does one read between the lines with people?  Why didn’t she just say, “I can’t do that tomorrow, but how about next week?”

 

I guess I don’t want to miss the glaring signs she was “declining nicely,” and make a fool out of myself by asking again. 
 

I know I have issues, and my suspicious about everything regarding this person are in full force right now. 

[Cherylyn]

I have several schools of thought on this.  As a friend,  regardless of the request,  I prefer to pick and choose whatever I prefer to help with.  If it's one more favor and I've already helped a friend or agreed to do something,  I don't want yet another request to deal with.  Try not to take it personally, @NighttimeNightmare. 😒 We live in a selfish world.  Not everyone is willing to drop their life for you,  make accommodations or help you despite your being helpful to them.  It's unfair but it's the way of the world,  unfortunately.  🥺

I agree, it wasn't out of the way for your friend to help you with the trunk but people are funny.  They don't want to commit.  They prefer to decline instead of do the work no matter how minor.  It is human nature.  🙄

Since your friend sounds like a good friend overall,  I wouldn't discard her easily.  Simply readjust.  Don't "help" each other anymore.  Let everyone be responsible for their own lives and enjoy socializing with healthy boundaries.  

I wouldn't create unnecessary drama by asking for clarification tomorrow.  Simply help your friend and after that,  change the dynamic so no one owes anyone any favors whatsoever.  If your friend asks for your help,  decline with respectful good manners.  As for you,  continue being independent by fending for yourself.   

I have close friends and none of us are an imposition toward one another.  We take care of ourselves and households.   Your friends should behave reminiscent of my friends and if they don't,  it's time for new friends who know how to be considerate. 

I cut people off easily but I have my criteria.  If they've broken all the human decency rules regarding consistent lies,  deceit,  betrayal,  gaslighting,  apathy,  sneakiness or wicked calculations,  then of course,  estrangement is the answer.  However,  if issues are relatively minor,  then I simply rewrite the friendship / relationship and carry on. 

[catfeeder]

6 hours ago, NighttimeNightmare said:

Thank you. Do you think I could be victim to my black and white thinking with this one? I’m having a difficult time deciphering if this is just an innocent thing that i overblew, cos I was on edge about asking for help in the first place...

Yes, you overblew. And you made her thing all about you.

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She asked if we could reschedule my helping her but I did see her for an unrelated excursion and the entire time I was annoyed  

Maybe the annoyance was mutual. You agreed to help her with something. She contacts you to nail down a time, and you flip the script and ask her for help instead. The next thing she knows, you won't commit to a time because now you're laying out some plan to rent a truck, run errands then bring the truck back... And so you basically told her, "No, you can't count on me--I have my own agenda, so no answer for you, 'friend'.

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...  At one point she said “I mean, if it was any other day I’d help.”

She's straight out telling you that she already had a plan, and you already knew about her plan and agreed to help her with it, so NOW is not a good time for you to hijack that plan and replace it with your own.

That sounds awfully clear to me.

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But I interpreted it as lessening the blow. I didn’t interpret it as sincere. I felt an overwhelming weight of just feeling regretful I ever asked and that someone viewed me as a burden

It's not that you ARE a burden, it's that you picked the wrong time to add to someone else's burden.

The whole reason she asked you for help was because she had something she needed to get done. Suddenly this becomes about you and your time to get something else done. And you want to make that about her?

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Yes, but how does one read between the lines with people?  Why didn’t she just say, “I can’t do that tomorrow, but how about next week?”

She tells you that it's a stressful time for her, and then she said, "If it was any other day...". What is between those lines that you find difficult to read? It was not a good time for her. And instead of just saying, "Okay, I get it, I'll be over tomorrow at 9 AM to help with your thing..." You made it all about you and started outlining steps to go rent a truck instead of helping her as you'd already planned.

That was passive aggression, "See? Now I can't tell you what time I can help you, because now I have all this truck renting I need to do--tomorrow--on the very day I'd already committed to helping you."

So she just said nevermind, another day... Which is probably a lot nicer than I would have been about it.

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I know I have issues, and my suspicious about everything regarding this person are in full force right now. 

Well, your issues got in the way of simply helping a friend as you promised without turning it into your own circus. You turned the table on her, and then you get all butt-hurt because she didn't understand why you felt a need to do that to her at that time?

You took her thing and made it about you. I don't know of any reasonable person who would have appreciated that. She was counting on you, and you dismissed her in favor of creating your own problem.

Sorry, NN. I adore you, but this one is on you.

[Tinydance]

My first question is, are you sure the whole time you were saying to her it's a trunk and not truck? The reason why I ask is because if you read your post again, you'll see that many times you actually wrote "truck". You wrote: "I bought a truck but it didn't fit in my car". And I literally thought, um, OK, how do you expect a truck to fit inside your car? Lol

Has your friend given any particular reasons why she's not sure about helping you with this? I mean, usually people have a reason for everything and personally I would firstly want to know what it is. Also sometimes some of these things may depend on personal experiences and feelings. This is just an example but let's say you bought something on Facebook marketplace or Craigslist or something from a random person. And to pick it up you need to go to their house. There may be some people who don't buy anything from randoms because they don't feel comfortable going to their house. So for example if you bought the trunk from someone and you need to go to their home then maybe she feels weird about that. Coz in all fairness there are strange people out there so you just never know lol Again this was only an example to suggest that people might have different ways of thinking about things. Obviously I have no idea what her reasons really are. So that's why I think you should ask her.

I agree with your comment about black and white thinking. I try to see things not as black and white but depending on the situation. For example, if I've been giving a friend lifts a lot in my car and I ask them once for a lift and they say no without good reason, maybe I'd be annoyed. But if I never gave them a lift before then I'd probably be fine with the fact they said no. Also unfortunately in life everything can't always be 50/50. Sometimes you do end up giving a bit more than people give to you. And I guess in that sense the giving is supposed to be more so unconditional to begin with. Like, if I offer my friend a lift, I would just be doing it because I want to or it's late at night or something. I wouldn't be doing it thinking that now they have to do something for me.

I wouldn't necessarily say that your friend is using you just because she asked you to help her but she doesn't want to go pick up the trunk. I mean, she did offer to bring the lamp to you and that was nice. I wouldn't just jump straight to that she's not a real friend and you should be cutting her off. I think that would definitely be very black and white.

 

[NighttimeNightmare]

1 hour ago, Tinydance said:

My first question is, are you sure the whole time you were saying to her it's a trunk and not truck?

I used both of the words depending on what I was referencing.  But I know she was confused, I think she was hearing “trunk” as “truck,” so now I’m trying to call it a “uhaul,” because that’s what it was. The other way is too confusing

 

1 hour ago, Tinydance said:

if you read your post again, you'll see that many times you actually wrote "truck". You wrote: "I bought a truck but it didn't fit in my car".

Did I? I’ve re read the main post 3x now and don’t see where I did this. But I guess that’s even more to the point that it was confusing regardless.  
 

1 hour ago, Tinydance said:

Has your friend given any particular reasons why she's not sure about helping you with this?

Sort of, she’s the type to tip over the edge easily and said she had too much on her plate.  I guess, now that time has passed and im calm and can see this all more clearly, I overrode her feelings by insisting it wasn’t such a big deal. But I think for her, it was because of the timing of it. She did say “if it were any other day I’d help.” 

 

 

1 hour ago, Tinydance said:

And I guess in that sense the giving is supposed to be more so unconditional to begin with. Like, if I offer my friend a lift, I would just be doing it because I want to or it's late at night or something. I wouldn't be doing it thinking that now they have to do something for me.

Exactly. Nothing I ever had done for her was to keep score. I help friends if they need help, I never once thought “you’re going to owe me.”  I just thought the entire thing was so easy because she had already insisted on dropping a lamp off to me. But again, what’s easy for me may not have been an easy thought for her

 

 

[NighttimeNightmare]

@catfeederI think I need time to digest that all, but when you lay it out like that I can see that side as being completely plausible and it makes sense as to why after our convo she literally thought I wasn’t helping her anymore. It confused me, but seeing this take on it all, I would have thought the same if I were on her side of the fence. 
 

but just to clear it up: I was never not going to help her. I told her I’d check in that day to see where she was at and figure out a time for me to stop by.  I actually ended up abandoning the truck rental so that I could just devote my time to her stuff, and she cancelled on me lol. But she and I never really have things set in stone, it’s always “tbd depending on how we both feel that day,” so I wasn’t mad. Maybe she was tho lol 

[Batya33]

One thing that stuck out for me - your purchases were not needs but wants -this was not an urgent situation -you could have hired someone to help do this.  During covid and a heatwave my husband returned from a business trip. He is usually on parenting duty the second he walks in LOL and this time was crucial given my schedule.  A friend calls - good friend not BFF - he is stuck at an airport in another city because of the pandemic shortages - while his teenage daughter is supposed to land in our city in a couple hours and he won't be there to meet her.  She's "fine" but it's a bit dicey. 

We live a 30 minute walk/train ride or car ride from our airport.  My husband immediately said yes to going to meet her. He sort of acknowledged the bind it was putting me in but this was that situation -not an emergency -she would not have been in danger just uncomfortable - maybe nervous - but he wanted to be there for his friend so he left (and came back quickly since it turned out his friend would arrive sort of in time).

But a few years earlier this friend asked if he could use our shower while visiting our city on business so he wouldn't have to pay for another hotel room night which would not be reimbursed.  I said no. It would have been inconvenient for me that day, my husband wouldn't be around, and with all my SAHM duties I didn't want to have to clean the apartment so he could take a shower.

To me this was not an emergency -he wasn't going to be muddy from a hiking trip etc.  Selfish? I don't know up to you because many are like "mi casa/su casa/my door is always open here are some fresh matching towel and fancy soaps" - but this is my THING and I'm sure my husband would have told a white lie because why explain my quirk about this? (Turned out he didn't need our shower).

I hope you see the difference - I'd be happy to help in your situation -if I could-but evaluate it as non-urgent/non-emergency and I've even offered to chip in for someone's hotel room if they asked to crash at our place while visiting others in our city because I'm not a houseguest person the way we live now.  But also I likely wouldn't air our dirty laundry -just like your friend might not have wished to -in a non emergency situation. 

I agree with Catfeeder.

[catfeeder]

11 hours ago, NighttimeNightmare said:

@catfeederI think I need time to digest that all, but when you lay it out like that I can see that side as being completely plausible and it makes sense as to why after our convo she literally thought I wasn’t helping her anymore. It confused me, but seeing this take on it all, I would have thought the same if I were on her side of the fence. 

So glad you're willing to try looking at this from her perspective rather than trash a friendship over a minor misunderstanding. It happens to the best of us, we're only human.

Sounds like she had a lot on her plate and felt a need to know what time to expect you. When you wouldn't give her a time, it derailed her goal of trying to fit that task into her plan. Maybe consider checking in to ask when you can make this up to her. It could help you to feel better.