Confused about contradictory behavior of a girl i like a lot

[Alokinga]

I've(19) been talking to a girl(18) on instagram for more than two years. It was occasionally flirtatious, but mostly friendly as we both dated other people (we are both single now). We helped each other through break ups and always gave mutual support in difficult times. We even had a few longer convos over the phone, where she recently told me that i'm the only guy who made her feel so comfortable being herself. Two weeks ago she came to my city for college and we saw each other immediately the next day. It was amazing and the chemistry we had online was even stronger in person. I've never felt such a connection with another girl before. She also told me how worried she was that she was not going to meet my expectations, but i reassured her by repeating how dear she is to me. Then one day later while texting she tells me that she's going out with another guy, which made me feel kinda bad but since we always talked openly about going out with other people i didn't think too much of it (she told me he wasn't great in the end). Then when i asked her out three days later she agreed, but rescheduled two times and put our date on saturday at noon because apparently that's the only free time she has. I then told her that we should reschedule for next week once we'll both have time and she agreed. We're still talking like before, but i don't exactly know what she wants because on the one hand she tells me how much i mean to her and on the other she doesn't seem to put spending time with me higher on her priority list. How do i deal with this? 

Edit: forgot to mention that she jokingly told me that i'm a reverse catfish, because i look even better irl than in my pictures.

[Batya33]

I think many people decide after a first meet or date that they're not interested or interested enough in a second date.  You two typed and talked as penpals for a long time.  Compatibility for dating is different.  Maybe she met someone else she likes better.  I'm sorry you're disappointed but I'd take her flakiness as "not interested."  Leave the ball in her court to reschedule.  I'd stop giving her the benefit of your friendship unless you want to hear about the other guys she has time to pursue.

[lostandhurt]

You deal with this with time.  Online connections and real life connections are totally different so take some time to let the real life connection grow.  Most mistakenly think since the online connection was so good the real life one will be an extension of that when it rarely is.

 Go on some dates with her and see how things go.  Remember she didn't move to your city to be with you, she moved there for school and that eats up a lot of time right?

  Take the time to get to know the real girl you met online and see what happens.  She knows you are interested in her romantically so that is out of the way so now time together in person will show if you two are right for each other.

 I am curious how she got a date so quickly after just arriving in town though...

 Lost

[Alokinga]

3 minutes ago, lostandhurt said:

You deal with this with time.  Online connections and real life connections are totally different so take some time to let the real life connection grow.  Most mistakenly think since the online connection was so good the real life one will be an extension of that when it rarely is.

 Go on some dates with her and see how things go.  Remember she didn't move to your city to be with you, she moved there for school and that eats up a lot of time right?

  Take the time to get to know the real girl you met online and see what happens.  She knows you are interested in her romantically so that is out of the way so now time together in person will show if you two are right for each other.

 I am curious how she got a date so quickly after just arriving in town though...

 Lost

Thanks for the input. The other guy was someone from snapchat she knew for a year...

[Batya33]

Just now, Alokinga said:

Thanks for the input. The other guy was someone from snapchat she knew for a year...

She seems to be  a person who is immersed in meeting men through social media and conducting online interactions.  Was her "breakup" with a guy she knew in real life?

[Alokinga]

15 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

She seems to be  a person who is immersed in meeting men through social media and conducting online interactions.  Was her "breakup" with a guy she knew in real life?

Yes, all her relationships were in person. Don't know if she met them online though.

[lostandhurt]

3 hours ago, Alokinga said:

Thanks for the input. The other guy was someone from snapchat she knew for a year...

Interesting.

 So you could be one of many, keep that in mind. 

She knows she is moving to a particular city for school in the future so she "connects" with guys from there so when she arrives she has plenty of options is my guess.

  Don't be somebodies option.  This could all work out wonderfully or be a painful learning experience.

Either way do not put your life on hold waiting for her to free up some time for you.  Keep living your life and meeting other women and if she is interested she will find time for you.

 Lost

[catfeeder]

Speaking only for myself, I'd have considered myself 'friend zoned' throughout the whole online thing, and so meeting in person would merely be an extension of that. This would free me to not romanticize her, but rather, I'd appreciate the value of a confidant that has always been accustomed to living out her own social life while I was a 'background person'.

The problem with penpal relationships comes when either or both build a fantasy about the other. It's very rare that a regular human being can live up to a fantasy that's been created 'around' them. It's just not accurate. So while our own fantasies are one of the hardest break-ups we might ever experience, it's in your best interests to dis-illusion yourself as to how romantically involved this woman will actually ever become with you,.

This is not a reflection on you. It's just a disparity between your expectations versus reality. Reality is that most people are NOT our match. That's true for everyone, and it's not cynical, it's not 'bad,' it just means that very few people own the ability to view us through the right lens.

[shouldhavelearned]

Move on

[SooSad33]

9 hours ago, Alokinga said:

We're still talking like before, but i don't exactly know what she wants because on the one hand she tells me how much i mean to her and on the other she doesn't seem to put spending time with me higher on her priority list. How do i deal with this? 

I feel she does see you as a 'good friend', is all.  But YOU came to have feelings 😕 .

Sadly, this is why, so often is best to have real 'friends' as the same sex.  Then things don't get so messed up.

If you can't handle her dating other guys, maybe back off a bit for a while.. And, should you two cross that line & it not end so well either.. then what? 😕 .

Could that make things just too awkward, leaning towards just 'friends' again?

Think on this.

[smackie9]

Friends zoned. She met up with someone like yourself and he got the same thing. She's still looking. Move on.

[MissCanuck]

15 hours ago, Alokinga said:

on the one hand she tells me how much i mean to her and on the other she doesn't seem to put spending time with me higher on her priority list

She sees you as a friend, but not a romantic interest. 

If she felt something more, you would know it. It's just not there for her. 

[Batya33]

I think it's great to have close friends without regard to gender and many friendships get complicated without regard to gender -jealousy when one achieves a milestone or an accomplishment or gets married or becomes a parent, life choices that show incompatible values.  My husband I am positive is a much much better partner to me, friend to all, and colleague because he's had female friends for many years. Close ones. I started having close male friends in high school.

I don't think he ever dated anyone he was good friends with first -maybe one woman but they dated briefly then went back to being colleagues and friends -and later I became friends with her! Limiting is just a bad idea IMO because it's so hard to find good, close friends why cut off an entire gender. In this situation the OP was not honest with himself about being very into the notion of dating his friend and let things go too far in his own head and heart.  I'm sorry you're disappointed!

[Kwothe28]

19 hours ago, Alokinga said:

It was occasionally flirtatious, but mostly friendly as we both dated other people (we are both single now).

Your first red flag. The person who still dates somebody and is flirtatious with others, wouldnt hesitate to do the same thing if she ends up in a relationship with you. So her dating other people, worst of all openly telling you that, is not really a surprise. I mean you did the same thing as well. But just saying that you cant expect to be higher on a priority list and some loyalty there. Because the person like that isnt cut out for loyalty.

Case in point: She had a convinient excuse in her being far away before. But even now when you are close, she would rather date other people then give you the time of her day. Dont start anything with this person. She isnt worth of your time.

[Alokinga]

1 hour ago, Kwothe28 said:

Your first red flag. The person who still dates somebody and is flirtatious with others, wouldnt hesitate to do the same thing if she ends up in a relationship with you. So her dating other people, worst of all openly telling you that, is not really a surprise. I mean you did the same thing as well. But just saying that you cant expect to be higher on a priority list and some loyalty there. Because the person like that isnt cut out for loyalty.

Case in point: She had a convinient excuse in her being far away before. But even now when you are close, she would rather date other people then give you the time of her day. Dont start anything with this person. She isnt worth of your time.

The flirty things were when we were both single, didn't mention that. But yeah, i mustn't let my expectations get too high now.