Be sure You’re ready before you date!

[limichelle]

After another relationship ending after a short amount of time. I started to jot down the baggage I carry and the baggage he carried.

 

I get it! We all have baggage! 
 

just do me a favor?

 

Access the baggage you have before you date!

 

Are you looking for a caretaker or partner? That’s the brutal truth to it. I can promise you this nobody will want to just sign up automatically to be your personal caretaker if they aren’t being paid.  You don’t go on a dating app looking to trauma dump. If you are, get off the app and work on your issues! 
 

I take myself and the insane choices I’ve made. I’m not ready by any means to be on a dating site. I keep attracting the same broken guys! You know why? I’m broken so they relate to that. You won’t attract healthy until your healthy. 
 

it’s simple! 
 

the problem is loneliness hurts. Loneliness is worst at night and on the Holidays. 
I would rather be lonely than have some person screw with my emotions day In and day out. I will take the pain of lonely over the pain of heartache. Trust me, heartache hurts way far worse! 
 

You are going to continue to have heartache until you embrace loneliness. You will constantly settle or act out of desperation for people who were never worth it. 
 

people relating to others is the sign of a connection in the beginning. If someone relates to the deep baggage or issues you haven’t worked on? You’ll both be attracting a unhealthy co dynamic of misery loves company. 
 

Im not saying you have to be a perfect specimen in order to find love. Just know what you want, what your intentions are and what your boundaries are. 
 

If you’re someone who can’t leave the house because of fear or anxiety. Get help! You can’t build a healthy relationship off that. That will cause friction. 
 

if you don’t have your own hobbies then find some. Work on you Individually. 
 

Nobody will want to be with you if you’re half a person that relies on them to be your other half. 
 

I say this out of brutal honesty. I hope this is a wake up call if you’ve been dating asleep. 
 

I also say this as a reminder to myself.

 

lisa

 

 

[rainbowsandroses]

26 minutes ago, limichelle said:

I keep attracting the same broken guys! You know why? I’m broken so they relate to that. You won’t attract healthy until your healthy. 

Absolutely right.  We are who we attract. Like attracts like.  Hurt people, hurt people. 

There is something to be said for all those expressions!

Strive to become 'whole and complete' on your own, which is what I'm personally trying to do now.

One thing I don't agree with this is this:

26 minutes ago, limichelle said:

You are going to continue to have heartache until you embrace loneliness.

How about changing 'loneliness" to "singleness."  Until you embrace your singleness.

You can be lonely while IN a relationship, I was in my short-lived marriage.  I'm actually LESS lonely now that I'm single!

Being single doesn't automatically equate to being lonely.  When you embrace LIFE, no matter single or in a relationship, you will never be lonely.  :))

 

 

 

[shouldhavelearned]

Dating is for fun

Not everyone is a perfect match

Go with the flow and enjoy the event and conversation

 

If they're not for you, just keep looking 

[Kwothe28]

9 hours ago, limichelle said:

I take myself and the insane choices I’ve made. I’m not ready by any means to be on a dating site. I keep attracting the same broken guys! You know why? I’m broken so they relate to that. You won’t attract healthy until your healthy. 

Most probably yes. However, I do need to point out dating apps are a cesspool of bad choices in general and that its like looking a needle in a haystack.

9 hours ago, limichelle said:

Access the baggage you have before you date!

 

Probably all people have baggage. If it is excessive one I do agree that they are probably better off the dating pool until its sorted out. However people are not perfect. Its more of the matter if the other person can help you carry it. Here, I do like HIMYM take on it.

 

[Batya33]

I'm sorry you're disappointed in what happened with this relationship!

I rarely felt lonely when I was single.  And until I became a mom I was 100% extrovert (after I became much more protective of, and desiring, my me and alone time and socializing too much started tiring me out in a way I'd never experienced before).

I wanted to be married and be a mom starting in my teens and married and became a mom at 42. I've never sought out or been into "hobbies" per se but I had a fun, fullfilling active life for most of the adult time I dated -I had periods of feeling desperate, frustrated, jealous, sad about being "still single" and I think I was desperate to have "a boyfriend" for periods of my teenage years.  Also having a successul career and financial stability and independence helped me a great deal in who I picked to date with the potential for a serious relationship. 

I think one reason people ignore/don't see flags clearly is because they rely on social media/typing/texting/messaging in lieu of a phone call and meeting in person ASAP or -if not in a dating app- they don't sufficiently know the person in real life or they meet in an environment like a bar or club where the focus is heavily on looks and many people are not sober.  I've also met too many women who lie to themselves for what I think are silly reasons -they want to seem less vulnerable/more cool to the men they are meeting who they fear will run like the wind if they breathe anything about future goals so they keep them there by telling themselves they are strong women who are good with "no labels" and cool with casual sex. 

Some women and men enjoy casual sex and some women and men do not get more emotionally attached just because sex is part of their dating whether a first meet, first date, 5th date - but over the years I've seen tons of baggage from women who are jaded and bitter because they regret their casual sex choices and all of a sudden they were "used".  All of a sudden "all men want only one thing."  Some men and women want only one thing.  Some men and women use others for sex or other dating type benefits. 

I don't think people should be burdened with knowing 100% they are ready to date.  Life happens.  People meet randomly and often it's at a point where they're about to relocate/switch jobs/are caring for an elderly parent/are about to travel for a few months.  Some have recently ended a dating relationship, some have recently had a falling out with a close friend or family member etc - just like with marriage vows, deciding to have a baby, deciding to purchase a first home, for sure there is a range of "ready" but 100%  - I didn't need to ask myself that and totally respect if others feel differently! 

[NighttimeNightmare]

18 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

We are who we attract.

I think people attract a myriad of different people. I’d say “we are who we let in.” 
 

as an example, one of my ex gfs is a really fit and attractive personal trainer. I’d say she’s pretty high caliber, but a portion of the men she attracts consists of people who are not. Because unfit, unhealthy, people who refuse to take care of themselves still like to look at nice things.  People are going to “shoot their shot” to whoever they find pleasurable to look at, and it’s not really saying anything about the person they are hitting on because people constantly have crushes and chase fantasies regarding people who are “out of their league”

someone can have a bunch of people at their gate trying to get in - successful people, poor people, healthy people, traumatized people, compatible people, incompatible people, etc etc. But it’s who they open that gate to and let in that is very telling of where they are at mentally and emotionally 

[rainbowsandroses]

1 hour ago, NighttimeNightmare said:

I think people attract a myriad of different people. I’d say “we are who we let in.” 

Exactly. 

From reading various articles discussing, I believe that's what the phase "we are who we attract" means. 

I suppose we could translate it however we want though depending on what's happening in our own lives and how it relates to what's happening and our own natures. 

[waffle]

14 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

.. . . I do need to point out dating apps are a cesspool .. . . 

 

Correct.  Don't go fishing in Carp Lake hoping to find premium trout.

[smackie9]

So many exchange their past trauma as a form of bonding/ intimacy. So toxic. Then they find themselves here trying to figure out how to fix things. We have to remind them it's unhealthy.