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I'm new here on the forum. Unlike most people here, I'm not normal. I have bipolar disorder and I am an incel.

But, despite being an incel, I was in love three times in my life. None of them worked out in any way for me. I was trying to get these three women to like me, I guess too hard, and I failed. When I finally worked up the courage to ask them out, it was at the wrong moment. I won't bore you with the details of how and what happened, as most of it was in my head, but all that is left of it now is the realization I wasted my love and best years away on imaginary things. I still struggle to come to terms with that.

Let us call these women, Alice, Jenny, and Kate. I has been a while since I've been in love with these women, and I was sure I was over them. At least, I stopped a long time ago looking them up online, or worrying what they might be up to. 

Then, last night I had a dream. Alice was at the table at a restaurant with me, and we spent lots of time talking, in the dream. As we talked and talked, the whatever was between us in the dream slowly disintegrated and I felt nothing was keeping me tied to her anymore. And I left. But the feeling of pain I felt leaving her in the dream was so overwhelming that I woke up. I still feel it now. 

I had a similar dream with Kate, almost five years ago when I was in the mountains on a vacation. The pain had a very different flavor, but it was just as heavy.

With Jenny it happened in real life, over a few years. I don't see her in my dreams anymore.

Does everyone has a special flavor of pain associated with someone they love, or is it just me? Do we never get over someone we love?



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24 minutes ago, Joh Fredersen said:

, last night I had a dream. Alice was at the table at a restaurant . As we talked and talked, the whatever was between us in the dream slowly disintegrated and I felt nothing was keeping me tied to her 

Perhaps your dreams are helping you get over these crushes so you won't feel haunted and can move forward and take care of yourself and your physical and mental health.

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I have to agree with Wise here, your dreams are helping you process the "what ifs" of your life. Moving on is never easy, but your subconscious is giving you the push you need. Some people need to ritualistically do something to finish mourning stages of life, in this case your dreams may be that.

To answer your question, it's normal to feel a bit of a pang of remorse or sadness when reflecting on someone who you built up in your mind. You need to use that pain/grief as a motivation to better yourself for the next one. I have my great "What if" lady in my past, and while it can sting; i look at all of the things I have done as motivation from never wanting to ask "what if" ever again.


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It’s normal. 

My only ever best friend ghosted me over 7 years ago now. We were best friends for 10 years. I still dream of her, I have dreams where we meet again and we hug, and even though the dream feels incredible, I wake up and the pain I feel then has ruined my entire week. 

Our subconscious works in interesting ways. I suppose my dreams let me feel the love I still have for my friend. Your dreams are assisting you in letting go 🙂

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The best description I've heard of dreams is our unconscious whispering 'pre-conscious' material into our own ears. In other words, when there's stuff we might finally be prepared to review, it comes up. Until then it lies waiting in the unconscious, which I've heard described like an iceberg--we are only consciously aware of the small fraction that rises above the surface.

These dreams sound like your way of processing and reconciling that you must let go of each of these people in order to move forward. I'm sorry that this has been painful.


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