How should one handle the other's sexuality outside of the relationship?

[hannarivers]

3 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Do you think your boyfriend is going to ditch you to chase after some music video actress or some porn star?

Never. But it is also not realistic. Isnt selfpleasure is a way to act on it without getting into trouble? 

[Jaunty]

I have contributed to another thread of yours.  It seems that you have an unhealthy and inappropriate preoccupation with your boyfriend's mental imagery while he's masturbating.  

Everybody deserves to have a PRIVATE LIFE even if they're in a very intimate relationship, if they want to.

Yes, porn can be destructive to intimacy, but the vast majority of people who watch porn or masturbate to images are not experiencing destruction because of it.

Your efforts to make his entire sexuality 100% centered upon you and only you is likely to backfire.  Frankly, it seems like a straight up control issue of yours - not a sex issue really.  You are driving yourself crazy in your desperation to control what is not possible to control - what another person is thinking of or looking at.  

 

[hannarivers]

16 minutes ago, Jaunty said:

I have contributed to another thread of yours.  It seems that you have an unhealthy and inappropriate preoccupation with your boyfriend's mental imagery while he's masturbating.  

Everybody deserves to have a PRIVATE LIFE even if they're in a very intimate relationship, if they want to.

Yes, porn can be destructive to intimacy, but the vast majority of people who watch porn or masturbate to images are not experiencing destruction because of it.

Your efforts to make his entire sexuality 100% centered upon you and only you is likely to backfire.  Frankly, it seems like a straight up control issue of yours - not a sex issue really.  You are driving yourself crazy in your desperation to control what is not possible to control - what another person is thinking of or looking at.  

 

Then what should I do if I want us to function normally? What should I truly do? I dont know what is wrong with me, what should I change 

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, hannarivers said:

My question was about finding out whether it is a common behaviour or not. Ive only been with 2 people so I wont say I understand men's sexuality. I came here to learn. I was curious if it is normal that a 25 year old gets a stimuli from seeint a woman dance and get naked in a music video and other content like this 

Yes it's likely common.  So? How does that help you decide whether you're ok being involved with someone who does this -and involved intimately and seriously? If it's common then you feel better about him doing it? You already know it's not a disorder or illegal.

[boltnrun]

5 minutes ago, hannarivers said:

Then what should I do if I want us to function normally? What should I truly do? I dont know what is wrong with me, what should I change 

As far as I can tell he is "functioning normally". You are the one obsessed with his private thoughts and actions because you find them threatening to your self worth. 

Apparently your therapist has decided to give you the completely unhelpful advice of "all men do it". Please ask your therapist to help you with your obsessive feelings of low self worth and how to find healthy ways to deal with your looping thoughts. 

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, hannarivers said:

Never. But it is also not realistic. Isnt selfpleasure is a way to act on it without getting into trouble? 

Getting into trouble? Is that how you see it? If a person wants to commit to you and not date others and be sexually monogamous do you think he'll look for ways to "not get in trouble" like a child sneaking candy or will he be happy to be with you and not even go there as far as "hmmm so I now can't date others but I can watch a video and pretend I am woo hoo!" How sad -your view.

[rainbowsandroses]

30 minutes ago, hannarivers said:

Then what should I do if I want us to function normally? What should I truly do? I dont know what is wrong with me, what should I change 

^Why not incorporate a "don't ask, don't tell" 'policy' and simply don't discuss it. 

Focus solely on the two of you.  Love each other. 

Whatever private thoughts he has while self-pleasuring are his business, not yours.  It's his escape from the daily grind, a diversion of sorts. 

It's NOT a reflection on you or how he feels about you and if you can learn to accept that this is part of his nature as a man/human being (different from your nature) and view it as a healthy diversion, it has the potential of actually enhancing your relationship, not take away from.

Once every two months does not warrant this level of concern or dare I say obsession.  THAT is what's not healthy.

I say this often on here but will say again.  Have faith and trust in your connection as a couple and don't dwell on things you cannot change or have no control over.

 

 

[tattoobunnie]

I would never ever stay with a man who wanted to control what I did with my own body in private.  Your unresolved issues with sex, sexuality, masturbation, insecurity, possessiveness, obsessive rejection dysphoria are yours and yours alone to work through.  It is not his fault you have trauma in connection to masturbation, and it's not his responsibility to work through your trauma with you.

I would let him go. You are not ready to be in a committed relationship where you accept the person for who they are, not what you believe they should be like.

[Wiseman2]

The part that your therapist has correct is that this policing and controlling is a you issue. Other than that you claim you're happy together, but does he enjoy the cat and mouse games and being treated like a naughty 13 yo boy? 

[hannarivers]

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

How does that help you decide whether you're ok being involved with someone who does this

Sometimes I think he does an unacceptable, madebythedevil action. If I know that it is common, I feel less threatened. 

57 minutes ago, tattoobunnie said:

t is not his fault you have trauma in connection to masturbation

In a way, it is. He lied to me about porn for years and I had to leave him, only then did he realize how much it hurt. 

 

48 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

does he enjoy the cat and mouse games and being treated like a naughty 13 yo boy? 

Obviously not. But the people here do help me to get my act together. 

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, hannarivers said:

Sometimes I think he does an unacceptable, madebythedevil action. If I know that it is common, I feel less threatened. 

In a way, it is. He lied to me about porn for years and I had to leave him, only then did he realize how much it hurt. 

 

Obviously not. But the people here do help me to get my act together. 

I see so you see certain things he does as downright evil but you can be convinced if some unnamed others say it’s normal then it’s ok with you and no longer of great concern ? You can put aside your core values if others say it’s ok ? Is it ok then for him to be put to the test of devil or not based on what some unnamed others say ?

[Lambert]

6 hours ago, hannarivers said:

"I am much prettier, I have waaaay more hotter body than that 40 year old wench, I wear sexy lingerie for him, we had amazing sex 2 days ago, why the hell is it not enough for him to not have those thoughts?" 

this is part of the problem...

1. comparing yourself (even if you tell yourself your better) 

2. attaching his behavior to you not being good enough. 

you very well may be good enough.  see # 1, but his behavior is any him.  not you. 

[hannarivers]

45 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I see so you see certain things he does as downright evil but you can be convinced if some unnamed others say it’s normal then it’s ok with you and no longer of great concern ? You can put aside your core values if others say it’s ok ? Is it ok then for him to be put to the test of devil or not based on what some unnamed others say ?

I always did this. If I had a problem with someone, I could not believe them. A truly bad habit of mine. And also, there are things that people have a general opinion about. For example, if I asked "is it normal that my boyfriend wants to have sex with me?" Kind of obvious. But since this selfpleasure topic is hard for me, I cant see what is obvious to others.

 

4 minutes ago, Lambert said:

this is part of the problem...

1. comparing yourself (even if you tell yourself your better) 

2. attaching his behavior to you not being good enough. 

you very well may be good enough.  see # 1, but his behavior is any him.  not you. 

I know it is not about me. I am not scared if I am enough. Rather if I am enough for my partner. I know I am a great girl, and since we are talking about visual stimuli, I am also attractive and I play around with variety regarding my appearance. I am good. I just dont know if I can be good for a guy who can get turned on by such a small thing as an older lady dancing in sexy clothes. 

[boltnrun]

Just now, hannarivers said:

I just dont know if I can be good for a guy who can get turned on by such a small thing as an older lady dancing in sexy clothes.

Share these thoughts with your therapist.

[MissCanuck]

7 hours ago, hannarivers said:

I am much prettier, I have waaaay more hotter body than that 40 year old wench

Why do you feel the need to denigrate other women to soothe your own insecurity? 

Real (self-indulgent) talk: I'm 42. I work out, and take care of myself. I am in very good shape - arguably better than a few of my 20-something colleagues. I still get hit on by men of all ages, including those young enough to be your boyfriend. Does that make me a wench? 

5 hours ago, hannarivers said:

He watched porn for many years because he was single. I thought he should be already over it. 

Do you think men stop watching porn by the age of 25? If so, girl....we have a lot to talk about. 

[hannarivers]

46 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

I work out, and take care of myself.

YOU are. But that was a clearly burnt out, very not attractive woman who feels like putting out her body like that will change the fact that she is clearly not good looking. And in porn, looks are at least 70% of the visual. Obviously I am going to compare visuals and not smartness. All that looked good was her outfit. I guess you are not trying to look hot for views. 

 

50 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

Do you think men stop watching porn by the age of 25? If so, girl....we have a lot to talk about. 

Guess not, but a more mature will appreciate sex and wont need so much from the outside if he is content inside

[boltnrun]

20 minutes ago, hannarivers said:

 a more mature will appreciate sex and wont need so much from the outside if he is content inside

Who told you that?

[rainbowsandroses]

13 hours ago, hannarivers said:

I'm thinking of leaving my therapist and going to a sexual psychologist instead.

 

13 hours ago, hannarivers said:

Last time I met my therapist, she told me that men and women are wired a bit differently in sexuality.

Yes please do!  Leave your current therapist.  Not for a 'sexual psychologist" but rather for a different therapist.

One who specializes in actually helping people identify and resolve deep rooted issues pertaining to self-esteem, self-worth, anxiety and the like.   Versus stating that men and women are "wired differently."  Anyone off the street can tell you that.

You're actually entitled to not want a boyfriend or husband who watches porn.  Not all men do believe it or not.  My ex-husband is one such man.  I won't get into reasons why he stopped, his reasons are not relevant here and had nothing to do with me or our relationship.

However, I think your issues go much deeper.  You seem to have a genuine hatred for it and even your boyfriend for viewing it, as well as the women in the videos.

And take it as a personal affront against you as a woman and as his girlfriend.  Which it's NOT.

Find a therapist who can sort all this out for you is my advice.  Clearly your current one is unable to.

And if you're so unhappy with your boyfriend and how he conducts his life, in or out of the bedroom with you (including pleasuring himself on occasion), do yourself and him a favor and dump him.

All the best. 

 

[MissCanuck]

1 hour ago, hannarivers said:

I guess you are not trying to look hot for views. 

As do most people in the media, Hanna, be it professional media or amateur social media. Again, I don't see why you need to denigrate a woman who's doing what millions of others do all the time - young and "older" alike.  You are going to struggle a lot in life if you carry this sour attitude around with you. 

1 hour ago, hannarivers said:

more mature will appreciate sex and wont need so much from the outside if he is content inside

That's often not what enjoying porn (or sexy music videos) is about. At all. 

[hannarivers]

1 hour ago, boltnrun said:

Who told you that?

One of my older relatives who is a man. 

 

15 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

And if you're so unhappy with your boyfriend and how he conducts his life, in or out of the bedroom with you (including pleasuring himself on occasion), do yourself and him a favor and dump him.

You see, the reason I am here is mostly because deep inside I feel like my feelings about him doing it are not rational. I think it might be hurt or something else, but those feelings dont suit or serve me. 

 

9 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

doing what millions of others do all the time

Im sorry, but it is my personal opinion that I dont fully respect people who sell their bodies. I know life gets hard, but deciding that your body is an object is a serious problem. It is my opinion, just like someone said they would not date a person who vapes - I do vape, and she is entitled to think that it is not cool. 

[rainbowsandroses]

8 minutes ago, hannarivers said:

You see, the reason I am here is mostly because deep inside I feel like my feelings about him doing it are not rational. I think it might be hurt or something else, but those feelings dont suit or serve me. 

That's precisely why I suggested a new therapist NOT a sex psychologist /therapist.  Because as you said, your feelings about this are not rational and have very little to do with sex or even that he watches porn and/or pleasures himself on occasion and that you don't like it.

These issues are about YOU and what is happening within you.  Your self-esteem, self-worth, anxiety and who knows what else might be uncovered. 

I hope you can get some help from a qualified therapist.  Good luck. 

 

 

[Wiseman2]

53 minutes ago, hannarivers said:

, the reason I am here is mostly because deep inside I feel like my feelings about him doing it are not rational.

Unfortunately you're living together for a while now and he won't marry you no matter how often you bring it up you want a ring, you don't want "flings", etc.  He suggested you "fix your issues" first.  Whatever that means.

To be honest your relationship is the problem, not masturbating, porn, etc. You're trying to twist yourself around a guy who wants convenience.

Unfortunately you are channelling all this into some sort of "sexuality is  sinful" type of spin. When the real issue is his complete lack of commitment to you and your insecurities about that.

Your BF is finding every reason under the sun to make you jump through hoops.

Maybe you do have some hangups, moralistic rigidity, anxiety and control issues, but being with someone who's jerked you around for years could certainly exacerbate any issues you have.

You're only 23. Moving out would be the best place for you to start. This way you won't be policing his sexuality and you won't waste more years on someone who's just coasting along.

 So maybe you need a new BF rather than a new therapist?

 

[MissCanuck]

27 minutes ago, hannarivers said:

but it is my personal opinion that I dont fully respect people who sell their bodies. I know life gets hard, but deciding that your body is an object is a serious problem.

What do you feel calling such people names accomplishes, exactly? You don't really command respect when you choose this route, either.  

And if we get real,  we know this isn't about you disapproving of how these women make money. It's not a moral question at all, so let's not pretend that's why this bothers you. The name-calling comes from your anger and jealousy that your boyfriend thinks they're hot and pleasures himself after looking at them - and also this:

11 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

the real issue is his complete lack of commitment to you and your insecurities about that.

This isn't a relationship that is on solid ground at all. These threads you make speak to the serious problems between you and him. 

You don't have to approve of porn or sexy ladies in videos, to be clear.  But you do have to realize your boyfriend is an adult who thinks for himself and doesn't share your view. He's appeasing you (kind of) for now, but I can almost promise you it won't last because it's not who he is. It's who you're desperately trying to turn him into, but this thread is evidence that his real self is not that guy. 

You two are deeply incompatible on significant levels even if you don't want to see that yet. This is going to end poorly for you if you continue on this way. 

 

[Batya33]

54 minutes ago, hannarivers said:

m sorry, but it is my personal opinion that I dont fully respect people who sell their bodies. I know life gets hard, but deciding that your body is an object is a serious problem. It is my opinion, just like someone said they would not date a person who vapes - I do vape, and she is entitled to think that it is not cool. 

Nope. I don't have issues with vaping I don't think it's "not cool".  I wrote that I wouldn't have dated or married someone who vaped or smoked. Huge difference.  I smoked cigarettes for about two years in the early 80s and I quit.  I will never smoke again/my husband never tried smoking.

I agree that this is not about your morality and you don't know how many of these women are sex trafficked -do you? Also many people make their living using their looks and physique as a way to get ahead/make $/be a good salesperson. 

Like -personal trainers, dancers, athletes, entertainers -they are also selling their bodies to the extent that they know part of the reason they get those jobs is because of what they look like and how their bodies work on the outside.  You don't respect them either?

I would not date someone who watched porn regularly.  I would not date someone who was intensely focused on women's breasts/private parts.  I would not judge that person if he wasn't hurting anyone but I wouldn't date him either. I ended short term dating situations if I figured that out about the guy. Not for me.

But when I would get involved I only did so if our values were compatible.  Otherwise it's not fair to stick around when they're not.  You have serious issue with your boyfriend watching porn.  VEry serious issues.  Whether you need help with those issues is your decision but to me it means a dealbreaker issue -as I wrote on your other thread.

 

[Capricorn3]

Time to change therapists.