I need help/advice on my relationship please

[justme80]

Hi all, first time poster here. I decided to come to a forum for some advice/help on my situation.

So, I have been dating a wonderful girl now for appx 7 months. For 5 months of our relationship everything has been perfect. Since we met we have spent every weekend together, from a Friday evening till a Sunday evening. We dont see each other during the week due to work commitments. 

The last 2 months, she has changed. She no longer wants any affection from me, she seems distant with me, she doesnt want me around at weekends anymore. She no longer says those nice things like she used to. She still keeps in regular contact with me via texting. If she wants to see me its literally for a short period of time at a weekend, and we meet up together for a meal. 

I have tried to talk to her about why things has changed so drastically and she tells me she is so busy with work and it plays on her mind and it effects her. She is really closed off and doesnt tell me her feelings. I will say it, shes a terrible communicator when it comes to her feelings and when I ask her for honest answers to why things have changed I feel like im just getting fobbed off. I am a very open and honest guy and I have expressed my feelings to her. When I have done that I get no positive replies back, or even a reply. 

I have seen her twice in the past 4 weeks and both those times have been for 1-2 hours max. Infact, one of those occasions was me going round to hers to chat to her about this situation, and I got nowhere with it.

She has said she wants to do somthing with me this weekend, but only as an afternoon thing. I asked if she would like me to stay over in the evening and she just ignored that. 

I just dont know what to do. Because we had such a great 5 months together its hard for me to let go. I can not get any answers out of her and now I just feel like im pestering her for answers. I literally feel like shaking her to get some sort of answers. I have stopped asking her stuff now because I dont want to annoy her. 

I wish I could just walk away, but I cant because things were so good for a while. I have not really been pressuring her to see me, and I have keep my texts to her short and kind. I kind of feel like im walking on egg shells around her. 

Can anyone give me some advice on how to deal with this? What should I do? Thanks. 

[Kwothe28]

30 minutes ago, justme80 said:

I wish I could just walk away, but I cant because things were so good for a while.

But you can. Just because things were good in a first few months(they are suppose to be good, its called "honeymoon period" after all) doesnt mean relationship is or will be good. They often tell that what you got after the "honeymoon period", and after you both see things more clearly, is a real relationship. And yours is, I am afraid, not so good. She ignores you ,doesnt want to see you properly and doesnt even talk to you why things are the way they are nore own that and at least try to fix it. 

It doesnt even matter why is that. Perhaps its work, perhaps she took down "rose colored glasses" some people have in "honeymoon period" and now she doesnt see herself there anymore, perhaps she even found somebody else that preoccupies her mind. But its clear she doesnt want to be there anymore or at least takes you for granted and doesnt want to try. Both of those are a que for you to leave. There is nothing for you there and stuff isnt going to change when she doesnt even want to try. 

[Wiseman2]

44 minutes ago, justme80 said:

. Since we met we have spent every weekend together, from a Friday evening till a Sunday evening. she tells me she is so busy with work and it plays on her mind and it effects her. 

Sorry this is happening. It does seem like she's pulling away but not definitively breaking up. Just sort of downshifting this to the friendzone.

How old is she? Do either of you have children? Are either of you in other relationships or recently out of another relationship? Do you spend most of your time at her place or yours? 

What happened 2 mos ago? Where there arguments or different ideas as to what you want going forward? There's more to this story about what happened 2 months ago than she's suddenly busy with work.

Step back completely. See if she steps up. People are not too busy for what interests them. 

[justme80]

17 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. It does seem like she's pulling away but not definitively breaking up. Just sort of downshifting this to the friendzone.

How old is she? Do either of you have children? Are either of you in other relationships or recently out of another relationship? Do you spend most of your time at her place or yours? 

What happened 2 mos ago? Where there arguments or different ideas as to what you want going forward? There's more to this story about what happened 2 months ago than she's suddenly busy with work.

Step back completely. See if she steps up. People are not too busy for what interests them. 

I am 44, she is nearly 40. Neither of us have children. 

As said before i was spending my weekends at hers (she as animals to look after) so it was agreed early on that we spend our time staying at hers (she even gave me keys to her place). 

We have never argued. We have just got on with our relationship with very little dissagreement. She just got more and more distant from me, yet she still regularly messages me every day and still wants to see me (just for an afternoon) on a weekend. 

I think I need to do like you say, lower my energy levels down towards her even more. 

[MissCanuck]

Something is clearly wrong. This is obviously not just about her being busy with work. 

Do you think she might be seeing someone else? 

[justme80]

6 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

Something is clearly wrong. This is obviously not just about her being busy with work. 

Do you think she might be seeing someone else? 

it has crossed my mind, but no. she is a very morally sound person, she is very busy with her job and other commitments (she owns 2 horses which take up a lot of her time, twice a day), and she has been messaging me in her spare time (weekends and evenings). 

your right though, somthing is clearly wrong, and she just keeps telling me its work. She did a month or two ago very quickly say to me in passing that she wasnt sure if things were moving too fast for her between me and her. 

I want to walk away because its making me feel anxious and ive lost loads of weight because of it. I feel like all we have is a text message relationship now. I just cant let go. 

[Batya33]

32 minutes ago, justme80 said:

your right though, somthing is clearly wrong, and she just keeps telling me its work. She did a month or two ago very quickly say to me in passing that she wasnt sure if things were moving too fast for her between me and her. 

You can let go and you are choosing not to even though this is now really one sided.  I'd tell her  I understand you don't want to spend time with me right now because you are prioritizing work to the extent that you've withdrawn from me and this relationship.  I'm setting you free so you dont feel obligated to keep in touch -you do you and feel free to reach out if you reevaluate what you want and if you want me.  If I'm still interested and available we can talk about dating again then.  Take care!

(I was always extremely busy at work as were almost all of my SOs).  When I was 40 my future husband and I lived hundreds of miles apart/were extremely busy at work with stressful jobs/were trying to conceive a child and planning on marrying/relocating, etc.  We made time for each other.  We prioritized each other.  Why? Because we loved and were committed to each other.  We weren't even engaged yet.  People who want to be together make it work.

[Wiseman2]

40 minutes ago, justme80 said:

. She did a month or two ago very quickly say to me in passing that she wasnt sure if things were moving too fast for her

Unfortunately this and staying at her place all weekend and every weekend seems like she felt suffocated.

So you do know what went wrong. Too much too soon. Camping out at her place Every Single Weekend All Weekend is just way too much. It's a lot of extra work and expense to have houses guests all the time. 

Unfortunately instead of clearly ending things, she's cutting out the weekend bnb routine and distancing herself. 

[justme80]

2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Unfortunately this and staying at her place all weekend and every weekend seems like she felt suffocated.

So you do know what went wrong. Too much too soon. Camping out at her place Every Single Weekend All Weekend is just way too much. It's a lot of extra work and expense to have houses guests all the time. 

Unfortunately instead of clearly ending things, she's cutting out the weekend bnb routine and distancing herself. 

I understand what you are saying. I dont think that cost ever came into things though. I always contributed to food, when we went out together at the weekends I would always pay. She never asked, I just offered because I was grateful that she was welcoming me into her home, im not a free loader, and well i wanted to contribute. I am a very neat and tidy person and respected her home and cleaned up after myself, etc, so it's not like i was taking the pee or making a mess. Having said all that, I do understand that perhaps she has felt suffocated. Would this explain her change in her not wanting to receive affection from me though?? 

[MissCanuck]

3 hours ago, justme80 said:

she is very busy with her job and other commitments (she owns 2 horses which take up a lot of her time, twice a day), and she has been messaging me in her spare time (weekends and evenings). 

Is she working and taking care of two homes every Friday and Saturday night as well? 

What does she do on weekends now that she's demoted you to a couple hours every few weeks? 

[justme80]

4 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

Is she working and taking care of two homes every Friday and Saturday night as well? 

What does she do on weekends now that she's demoted you to a couple hours every few weeks? 

i think you mis-read, she has 2 horses, not houses! She doesnt really have any friends apart from the people she knows at the stables, and she doesnt associate with them outside of going down to the stables to sort the horses out. 

Last weekend she attended a horse show with her horse and spent the day before prepping for it. Her life is basically her horses and work.

[Andrina]

I'm guessing she might be the passive type, and you were the one who assumed she felt the same and wanted you there for your marathon weekends from very early on. Instead of speaking up, that it's too much and she prefers to no longer have this as the standard, she's dealing with it the way you're now seeing.

I'd also guess she might be too cowardly to break up, and is trying to let it fade away since maybe she sees drama coming from your side if she totally ends things.

You don't even say if she's the one who invites you to join her for a meal, or if you're the one saying, "Are we getting together this weekend?" And she then suggests to meet at a restaurant. If that's the case, no longer suggest meeting up and if she lets you fade away, there's your answer. If she initiates a get together but acts distant and doesn't want affection, have a discussion. I'd say something like: "Please communicate whatever's on your mind. I'll listen without interruption. Because a relationship without communication and the emotional connection we're now lacking isn't working for me."

If this ends, think about your own behavior maybe playing a part in the demise. Just because you're gung-ho about someone, pace yourself a little better. Date at a normal pace. No days long dates from so early on. Take care and let us know how it goes.

[justme80]

4 minutes ago, Andrina said:

I'm guessing she might be the passive type, and you were the one who assumed she felt the same and wanted you there for your marathon weekends from very early on. Instead of speaking up, that it's too much and she prefers to no longer have this as the standard, she's dealing with it the way you're now seeing.

I'd also guess she might be too cowardly to break up, and is trying to let it fade away since maybe she sees drama coming from your side if she totally ends things.

You don't even say if she's the one who invites you to join her for a meal, or if you're the one saying, "Are we getting together this weekend?" And she then suggests to meet at a restaurant. If that's the case, no longer suggest meeting up and if she lets you fade away, there's your answer. If she initiates a get together but acts distant and doesn't want affection, have a discussion. I'd say something like: "Please communicate whatever's on your mind. I'll listen without interruption. Because a relationship without communication and the emotional connection we're now lacking isn't working for me."

If this ends, think about your own behavior maybe playing a part in the demise. Just because you're gung-ho about someone, pace yourself a little better. Date at a normal pace. No days long dates from so early on. Take care and let us know how it goes.

very wise words, thank you. When we spoke on text on Thursday, I asked her what her plans for the weekend were and she suggested that we do somthing together one afternoon this weekend. We are seeing each other for a few hours tomorrow. She still messages me throughout the day, and it's just chit chat. I do reply, but i keep it short and pressure free. 

[SooSad33]

Sounds like this is basically dying off with her.  Yeah, sucks 😕 .

As mentioned, that time is the honeymoon phase, all great in the beginning but yeah, sure things can & do die off after that, to a certain degree.  But, to me it sounds like she's basically just stopped all interaction with you.  Giving you very small amt of her time and avoids certain questions.

Good, you see her tomorrow, just take it easy, watch her body language.  Only you know how she's being now.  See if she avoids any closeness, etc.

But, I wouldn't stick around much longer if she's just pulling away.  

 

[catfeeder]

3 hours ago, justme80 said:

I do understand that perhaps she has felt suffocated. Would this explain her change in her not wanting to receive affection from me though?? 

Yes, a reaction to feeling suffocated is to push back and away. I once felt suffocated by a BF, and his touch would feel like he was restricting my movement. I didn't even want his face close enough to kiss me. The more he struggled with how to please me, the more respect I lost for him. Things did not end well.

Unfortunately, this is not something easy to recover from. Too much, too soon is the kind of overkill that snuffs out romantic and sexual feelings by replacing them with resentment. Some people feel guilty for feeling resentful, so a load of that gets piled on to cover it, and before they know it, they've got one lousy overall feeling that they can't identify, exactly, and they also can't get past.

[catfeeder]

6 hours ago, Batya33 said:

... I'd tell her  I understand you don't want to spend time with me right now because you are prioritizing work [and] you've withdrawn from me and this relationship.  I'm setting you free so you dont feel obligated to keep in touch -you do you and feel free to reach out if you reevaluate what you want and if you want me.  If I'm still interested and available we can talk about dating again then.  Take care!

This is the perfect route to take. It frees both of you from a knot, even while it leaves your door open to trying again in the future if she ever works out her stuff. This sure beats circling the drain with nowhere to go but down.

[shouldhavelearned]

To much to soon

 

Seem more like friends now

 

She is finding an easy way out

[MissCanuck]

On 9/16/2023 at 4:35 PM, justme80 said:

i think you mis-read, she has 2 horses, not houses! 

Yes, I misread. 

However, the point still stands: is she with her horses every Friday night and Saturday night? I doubt it. She was with you those nights, up until a couple months ago. 

Something has changed for her and she is letting this fade. It sounds as though it lit up too quickly and has burnt out for her. You're quickly sliding into the FriendZone with how much she has cut back on any quality time together. I'm sorry. 

[smackie9]

It’s simple, the relationship has run its course. She just doesn’t have the guts to end it. She’s waiting for you to to it. I bet money on it she won’t fight you on your decision. 

Some people just emotionally burn out. She’s not feeling it anymore. 

[justme80]

So I have some updates:

She messaged me midday on Saturday just asking how I was and what she was doing for the rest of the day, you know the normal chit chat. I didnt reply to her message for a good 5 hours or so because I was out with a male friend. When I did reply to her she said her day had been good and she asked what i had been upto. I said i had been out, few drinks, bite to eat etc. She replied straight away asking who with, and before i could even reply back she sent a follow up message saying "if ive met another girl then just tell me". Sounds like because she heard i went out for the afternoon (which i never really do because i don't normally go out with friends) she's got a tad jealous. I told her i was out with a male friend who i haven't seen in a while and why is she jumping to such conclusions. This then opened the door for a good message dialogue between us about our situation. The basics of our text conversation that evening were she cares for me and if she didn't she would of ended the relationship. The reason she isnt seeing me to the capacity that we were is because she wants some space. She said she really appreciates me giving her space. She also said she doesn't want me to resent the horses because they take up so much of her time (she shows them too). I assured her i dont resent them because its her passion. 

We met up Sunday afternoon and spent around 3 hours together. We had a nice walk around a nice large park then went to a cafe for tea and cake. I didnt talk about our relationship and feelings etc, we just hung out and had chit chat - i didnt want to bring any relationship stuff up in fear of spoiling our rare time together. It was nice, we held hands as we walked. We had a few quick kisses. Nothing has been said about when we will see each other again, I didnt even ask because I want to play it safe and at her pace, no pressure from me at all. She messaged me once she got home and said it was nice to see me. Also its worth bearing in mind, she is still messaging me first, before I contact her, sometimes before she goes to work in the morning, but always when shes got settled at home in the evening. 

I'm trying my best to play this situation safe and patiently. I don't want to bombard her with questions or anything deep like i was a few weeks ago about what she's feeling. One thing I will say about her, she is a VERY independent woman, she NEVER EVER asks anyone for help with anything, she always sorts things out herself. She's not great at talking about feelings etc and just keeps herself to herself. That's just her personality.

I am normally very good at reading and figuring people out, its always been a skill of mine, but, with her I just cant figure her out at all. I trust her with all my heart, she despises liars and cheats and she is a very thoughtful and genuine person. 

Deep deep down, I feel like the fire is burning out on this relationship from her end, not mine. I think I am trying desperately to cling onto it. For now my plan is to see how things pan out for a period of time while giving her space and not crowding her with calls nor texts, and just leaving the ball in her court.  

If I cant get what I want from this relationship like we used to have then I have to walk away, because like some of you guys have said, right now I just feel like im her friend. I cant work out if that's because she wants to have space and slow it down a little, or, she just doesn't want me no more. I feel though like I have to give it a little time to see if anything changes. 

[Wiseman2]

19 minutes ago, justme80 said:

. The reason she isnt seeing me to the capacity that we were is because she wants some space. She said she really appreciates me giving her space. 

It's good you talked. She seems grateful to have you as a friend but also grateful that you're not camping out at her house every single weekend. All you can do is stay in touch and decide what you want, but she's definitely withdrawing from the relationship. 

[justme80]

6 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

It's good you talked. She seems grateful to have you as a friend but also grateful that you're not camping out at her house every single weekend. All you can do is stay in touch and decide what you want, but she's definitely withdrawing from the relationship. 

I am giving her the space/time because I respect her and because I have feelings for her. 

I have just remembered one thing she said to me on message on Saturday night, which confused me. She made a comment that she wished i would send her "the odd message now n then". Most mornings I have been texting her before she goes to work wishing her a good day. Then other times I have left it to her to message me first, and i ALWAYS reply back to her. I just thought her asking for space would mean me not messaging her all the time!!! I told her i don't message her during the day because i know how busy she is in work, i told her i message her in the mornings before work and i have also been respecting the fact she wants space, so what am i suppose to do? She never gave me an answer to that!

[Batya33]

She's keeping you around as Plan B - I am a very independent person - independence is not gender related and neither is asking for help - let go of that weak flower like damsel in distress notion.  Her personality is besides the point. Independent women like me -if we want to be romantically involved in a committed relationship, remain independent AND give love and care and commitment. 

Because people who want to be together -are together -they don't ask for space without making it very clear to their partners that they absolutely want the relationship and commitment.  I regularly take my meal into our bedroom, alone to eat -I don't want to talk to anyone, I don't want to hear the noise of the ball game or my son's gaming with his friends or my husband's random whistling while I eat and enjoy my meal.  I am up early mornings for the same reason -space. 

I have a female friend who for years -once a year - went to a hotel overnight by herself while her husband took care of their young daughters - she loved her husband so much and he loved her and she is an extremely independent feisty accomplished person and she needed space to be on her own for a night (literally on her own), watch bad TV or whatever in the world would help her get her space. Obviously no one worried about the marriage, the commitment, etc or felt insecure.  

Your confusion is partly your self dishonesty -she's telling you she cares for you but is not all in anymore.  She needs "space" but also wants to know you are pining away for her- it's the push pull dance of intimacy except she's gone too far with the pushing away part.  It's not confusing.  To alleviate the confusion tell her you'd prefer she come back if and when she feels all in and that until then you shouldn't be in contact. 

You two can decide you won't date or try to date others but at this point I'd put that aside -I think she has 1.5 feet out the door at least.  Tell her if she misses you AND wants to be in a serious exclusive relationship then you two can talk about the minor stuff like how often to see each other/communication in between and reach an understanding so you're on the same page but first she has to decide on her own if she's all in.  Don't give her the benefit of your friendship and the ego boost to her while she waffles. IMO.

[Wiseman2]

21 minutes ago, justme80 said:

. She made a comment that she wished i would send her "the odd message now n then". I just thought her asking for space would mean me not messaging her all the time!

It's ok if you both want to stay in touch, but it's crystal clear that "space" meant not camping out at her place, not "no contact". 

[MissCanuck]

She doesn't know what she wants. 

There is a difference between needing space and finding a nice balance - and not communicating that and instead drastically cutting back on time spent together and leaving the other person to guess what the hell is happening. It has nothing to do with being independent. 

People like her are tiring to date. They talk out both side of their mouths and you never quite know where you stand. I would see how the next few weeks unfold, if you want, but I would set yourself a mental timeline as to how long you're willing to accept this huge change in dynamic if nothing really improves. 

She can't exactly expect you to be happy that she suddenly made herself far less available to you.