Husband is threatening to leave me

[Daisavsa]

I’ve been married for almost 20 years. I got married to my high school sweetheart. We have been separated twice in our marriage. Both times he blames me. He says I’m mean and horrible and then a week later I found out he was with someone else. We ended up getting back together both times and both times he never admitted to having done anything wrong in our marriage. Today he started telling me again that he hates me, he despises me, and he doesn’t know why he’s with me. He says I’m mean to him and have been distant. And yes I can admit I have been distant. I have been feeling alone for months. He does work a lot and I have no problem with him working. I support him with his career. I don’t work because we have kids and no one that can watch them and daycare is too expensive. I appreciate that he works hard. But I wish that when he’s home he gives the kids and me attention. He wakes up and goes straight to playing video games. He doesn’t play with the kids, he doesn’t help me at with them. I don’t need him to help out with housework but it would be helpful if he would watch the kids while to do the cleaning. I can’t even shower sometimes because he’s too busy playing video games and does not watch the kids for me. I have told him for months that I need him to stop playing video games but he doesn’t stop, he plays for hours on his time off. And yells if anyone goes in front of the tv. So I decided to just be distant and ignore him. And we haven’t been intimate for a month because I have had menstrual issues and because I just don’t want to. I don’t get attention from him because he’s playing video games but he want to have sex. All day he’ll play and turn it off late to have sex and go back on his game. So now he’s threatening me with leaving and he won’t admit to anything wrong that he has done. He has hurt my feeling in many ways before, he accused me of cheating on him because we were not planning to have our last baby and he would argue with me when I was pregnant that the baby was not his. I never once cheated on him. We just somehow had an surprise baby. The baby came out looking like his twin. He never said sorry. Also when the baby was born he had to be in the icu for weeks. During that time my husband and I would take turns going home for 24 hours. On his days he would never cook and give the kids fast food, make a mess and never clean up. I would get home from the hospital and have to clean up the house while recovering from a c-section.  The kids would say that dad would just play video games all day. I would tell him to please clean up but he never did. All those e things have made me a bit resentful thoughts him. But I still tried to a good wife. He is a great provider and when he wants he can be very good at helping with the kids and spending time with me but it’s so difficult to get him to do those things because he is always playing video games and he says I’m nagging him. Now he wants just me to change and be super nice. To just let him do whatever he wants and me just be nice. But now I’m so hurt by the mean things he told me. I love him and don’t want to get divorced but I can’t live with a person that thinks he’s perfect and does no wrong in our marriage. He never admits to anything he has done wrong and always blames me. I admit I can be moody, especially in recent months because I am pretty much a single mom. And now he’s being so distant and rude to me. I just don’t know what to do.

[boltnrun]

What about him do you love? Besides him being the father of your children and being a good financial provider?

[Coily]

This is a really tough spot to be in. Now there will be a lot of boiler plate comments tell you what you already know, but you will need to address in your own way.

As Bolt asked, what is keeping you in this situation aside from the kids? Are there any positives here as well?

Since you are used to the idea of separation, what has drawn you back into this less than ideal relationship?

In an ideal world you would talk with your husband and negotiate some balance in home duties between the two of you. That however, seems to be a very distant possibility. I would encourage you to seek out some help from family (parents/siblings) if you have a positive relationship with them. Look into how to live ans support your children without your husband (since he's basically not really there you may have some ideas already).

Be kind to yourself, it's going to be a long road.

 

[Wiseman2]

45 minutes ago, Daisavsa said:

 I just don’t know what to do.

Sorry this is happening. Please read up on abusive relationships. You can't fix or change him.

Do you have trusted friends and family nearby or who you can confide in and count on?  Be frank about the abuse and ask for help and support. 

Please contact a domestic abuse agency for information, support and help. You don't have to live like this. 

Please also privately and confidentiality speak to an attorney for information support and advice in your situation in the event of a divorce. You may be much better off after 20 years of marriage and being a stay a home mother than you think. 

He's not going to change. He enjoys cheating, lying, threatening  you. It works for him. Watching you suffer and cower and grovel makes him feel happy and powerful. Don't threaten divorce. Don't argue. Just get your ducks in a row and develop an exit strategy.

[MissCanuck]

2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

He's not going to change. He enjoys cheating, lying, threatening  you. It works for him. Watching you suffer and cower and grovel makes him feel happy and powerful. Don't threaten divorce. Don't argue. Just get your ducks in a row and develop an exit strategy.

This. 

It's way past the point of trying to talk to him. That ship sailed a long time ago, and it's not going to work anyway. This is who he is and he clearly doesn't want to be in this marriage or have a family life. It's sad, but you have to start dealing with the reality of the situation. 

 

[lostandhurt]

Let him leave, at least you will have one less child to take care of.

 If he wants to leave let him and then immediately file for legal separation.  He will have to pay child support and spousal support since you don't work. That will be a huge wake up call for him.

Heck you should be throwing him out.  I am sure he thinks he can treat you like crap and you will take it because he thinks you do not have options, well you have a lot of options.

Generally I do not like divorce but there are times when it has to be done, not because you want to but because you have to.

Lost

[Capricorn3]

I agree with getting all your ducks in a row and seeing an attorney etc.   Once you have all that organized, the next time he threatens to leave you,  help him pack and show him the door.

[Cherylyn]

Dump the chump.  What a loser.  ☹️

[smackie9]

If he emotionally detaches from the kids, he's not being a father, and has no intention of being one. This is what you take to a lawyer when you file for divorce and child support. He's gone/stepped out of your marriage. Him accusing you of cheating, is called "projecting" he's the cheater and in his head everyone cheats. Sorry to say this but your marriage is over. He wants out but knows there will be a huge cost to him (child support and alimony) That's the only reason why he hasn't ended it permanently. 

I suggest like the rest to seek a lawyer covertly, and prepare. Don't say a word.