Parents disowning me?

[MaryAnne7]

I’ll try to keep my story short. I grew up in a rough area in siberia in an alcoholic household. My mum is classic codependent but my dad would drink for years and went sober 15 years ago. He was functional, he supported us financially, and I feel like both of my parents poured all the love they had in me and all the resources to get me the best education they could. As a result, I’ve had countless scholarships, I now live in London and work as a team lead for a great company. The other side of it is that I’ve been beaten up as a child, constantly emotionally abused, betrayed etc. All while my family kept a front of a good family, and I was not allowed to tell anyone. I’ve watched my mum hitting my dad when he came home drunk, they screamed at each other all the time, my dad put me out of the window “for fun” and once I even tried to hang myself in front of them so they would stop their toxic patterns. I’ve had depression since I was a teenager, but I never complained and just got on with my life. The. I’ve started therapy and a 12 step program (ACA), I’ve discovered I’ve lived in a dissociated state most of my life, and when I came out of denial I was overwhelmed with emotions, among them was rage for being mistreated. Even then, I tried not to create conflict with my parents because they did the best they could for me and focused on the positives. They have continued to treat me the same throughout the years with minor improvement as I’ve been setting boundaries with them. My mother is a high class manipulator and yesterday she attempted to guilt trip me that no one will be there to take care of her grave when she dies. I responded that what she says hurts me and I would appreciate it if she did not say that to me. She was very triggered because in her mind she could say whatever she wants and I should “cut her some slack”because she’s my mother and is old. She asked me why am I such an angry person and that’s what really triggered me the most. Her not realising how much hurt they’ve caused me over the years, I have now to deal with the consequences of THEIR poor treatment of me, I have not been able to become close with anyone because I’m so damn scared as I never felt safe in my own home and didn’t know what would come next. I have not told her I have CPTSD to protect her feelings and I served as her emotional dumpster over the years. I was very firm in setting my boundary we said goodbye and I thought it was over. Next morning I decided to share an ACA video with her so she would UNDERSTAND my experience. To which her reply was that I’m terrible because I’m implying they are ***ty parents, she’s tired of *** I gave her, that’s I’m an ungrateful pig and they’ve raised a total snake. (Last time I stopped to her for a month because she called me a “snot” out of her nose, so the abuse is not new). She threatened she will tell dad I think he’s alcoholic (which he is lol) and he will never speak to me again. She did, and he literally told me he will never speak to me again?! I was entirely shocked. I feel rejected, isolated, misunderstood and disowned by my own family because of something they have done. I never once told them they are bad parents, and they completely shut their own daughter off instead of having any compassion. 
 

apologies for my English and sorry it’s long! 

[Starlight925]

I just wrote this on someone else's thread, but I'll repeat it here:

Some of us got in the wrong line when they were handing out parents.

You have done amazing things.  You've moved to a new country, you've established yourself in your career, and something tells me you have an empathic soul.

Putting up boundaries is sometimes the best we can do in these situations, so you're doing well there.

As for your dad, just give it all some time and live your life.  If he disowns you for this, then it's his loss.  You can move forward, make friends, and live your life.

 

[Wiseman2]

11 minutes ago, MaryAnne7 said:

 I’ve started therapy and a 12 step program (ACA), 

This is an excellent start. Please try to distance yourself a bit more. Avoid the guilt trips and change the subject. Please don't expect them to understand the place you're in or the changes you've been through.

Fortunately you survived a very difficult childhood and made a life for yourself. Unfortunately they still are who they are and didn't change and won't recover. They're just being defensive because you're trying to make them understand the damage they inflicted, but they probably won't change. 

Focus on your new area, profession, success and friends. 

[catfeeder]

I think it’s @boltnrun who has a smart sig line that I can’t see from my phone, so I’ll attempt a paraphrase, “The source of your pain cannot become the cure for your pain.”

Choosing recovery for ourselves doesn’t mean we can successfully assign recovery to anyone else. Such an attempt is not a boundary, it’s an imposition.

Codependency is addressed through independence, not by trying to bring your tribe along with you.

Autonomy doesn’t mean that we must sever ties with our tribe, but it does require an understanding that those we leave behind are not going to celebrate our pursuit of places they cannot go. This includes emotional places.

You’ve reached the tipping point of adulthood where you must adopt the role of the adult in the room even while your parents regress. This requires you to shed your dependent child mentality and assume the role of a leader in managing your elders as they become increasingly dependent on you.

The problem is, elders can be as manipulative as children, only they’re better at it. So read up on this shift and don’t get caught up in the details that no longer ‘must’ matter. Climb to higher ground, rise above the battlefield, and get yourself settled into your new role.

It’s not the same as the old role.

Make decisions from a higher perspective.

[MaryAnne7]

2 hours ago, Starlight925 said:

I just wrote this on someone else's thread, but I'll repeat it here:

Some of us got in the wrong line when they were handing out parents.

You have done amazing things.  You've moved to a new country, you've established yourself in your career, and something tells me you have an empathic soul.

Putting up boundaries is sometimes the best we can do in these situations, so you're doing well there.

As for your dad, just give it all some time and live your life.  If he disowns you for this, then it's his loss.  You can move forward, make friends, and live your life.

 

Thank you. Truly 

[MaryAnne7]

2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

This is an excellent start. Please try to distance yourself a bit more. Avoid the guilt trips and change the subject. Please don't expect them to understand the place you're in or the changes you've been through.

Fortunately you survived a very difficult childhood and made a life for yourself. Unfortunately they still are who they are and didn't change and won't recover. They're just being defensive because you're trying to make them understand the damage they inflicted, but they probably won't change. 

Focus on your new area, profession, success and friends. 

If I have the chance to face the fire and be a better parent to my own future kids, I’m ready to be labelled a problem by my parents. 
thank you! 

[MaryAnne7]

1 hour ago, catfeeder said:

I think it’s @boltnrun who has a smart sig line that I can’t see from my phone, so I’ll attempt a paraphrase, “The source of your pain cannot become the cure for your pain.”

Choosing recovery for ourselves doesn’t mean we can successfully assign recovery to anyone else. Such an attempt is not a boundary, it’s an imposition.

Codependency is addressed through independence, not by trying to bring your tribe along with you.

Autonomy doesn’t mean that we must sever ties with our tribe, but it does require an understanding that those we leave behind are not going to celebrate our pursuit of places they cannot go. This includes emotional places.

You’ve reached the tipping point of adulthood where you must adopt the role of the adult in the room even while your parents regress. This requires you to shed your dependent child mentality and assume the role of a leader in managing your elders as they become increasingly dependent on you.

The problem is, elders can be as manipulative as children, only they’re better at it. So read up on this shift and don’t get caught up in the details that no longer ‘must’ matter. Climb to higher ground, rise above the battlefield, and get yourself settled into your new role.

It’s not the same as the old role.

Make decisions from a higher perspective.

That’s a very interesting point and spot on.  Can’t find cure there for sure. At this point I don’t think I am trying to change them, I am trying to set a boundary of what I will not tolerate, e.g. insults but that somehow got escalated. I’ll admit some part of me hopes they will understand, and I know they never will. 
As for being an adult, to be honest, I am done with that. I had to be an adult my whole life. I contained their explosiveness, I was their therapist, I supported them financially for a while…..I’m exhausted. I don’t want to take care of them any longer. 
I am done with being a bigger person and having a “higher perspective”. Enough is enough. 

[Seraphim]

I endured a lot of abuse as a kid, perpetrated by my dad and some of his family members. In my 40’s I sought therapy and I made it clear to my mom how she played a part in this happening by her constantly believing he was “ better now .” That she had thrown us under the bus in efforts to help him. She cried a lot and made a lot of excuses but then apologized and realized her mistakes. However, she has that capability . She has a lot of her own trauma that made her vulnerable to my dad’s BS. My dad was also badly abused and was severely mentally ill. My dad never apologized and told me to suck it up . We never reconciled and he has passed away now. And now in my late 50’s I have to resolve this for myself. 
 

I know we always want a parent’s love and apology for wrong doings. Sometimes we never get that and we have to grieve the loss of a lost childhood and loss of parental love and understanding. People are so flawed. Some never get beyond their own trauma and that is my dad and your parents. Unfortunately, we can’t find solace and comfort in these people. We have to find it in ourself for ourselves. 
 

Sending you good thoughts for strength and self love . 

[Lambert]

20 minutes ago, MaryAnne7 said:

That’s a very interesting point and spot on.  Can’t find cure there for sure. At this point I don’t think I am trying to change them, I am trying to set a boundary of what I will not tolerate, e.g. insults but that somehow got escalated. I’ll admit some part of me hopes they will understand, and I know they never will. 
As for being an adult, to be honest, I am done with that. I had to be an adult my whole life. I contained their explosiveness, I was their therapist, I supported them financially for a while…..I’m exhausted. I don’t want to take care of them any longer. 
I am done with being a bigger person and having a “higher perspective”. Enough is enough. 

It is ok to keep your distance from people that continually harm you, even your own parents.  Stick to therapy and healing yourself. It's a complicated thing, the relationship we have with our parents.  Focus on the good they did, that got you to where you are now (professionally).  Both can be true-- they gave you tools you needed and they abused you.  Move forward for yourself, knowing that YOU can heal and have a great life.  You can write a new future.  

 

[catfeeder]

6 minutes ago, MaryAnne7 said:

That’s a very interesting point and spot on.  Can’t find cure there for sure. At this point I don’t think I am trying to change them, I am trying to set a boundary of what I will not tolerate, e.g. insults but that somehow got escalated. I’ll admit some part of me hopes they will understand, and I know they never will. 
As for being an adult, to be honest, I am done with that. I had to be an adult my whole life. I contained their explosiveness, I was their therapist, I supported them financially for a while…..I’m exhausted. I don’t want to take care of them any longer. 
I am done with being a bigger person and having a “higher perspective”. Enough is enough. 

I get it. Just want to clarify that the higher perspective is not some sentence that imposes a responsibility for anyone else on you. There are no moralizing ‘shoulds’ that come with it. Just the opposite. It’s a place you have already earned, where you can tap your own highest intelligence, which liberates you from being taken down, as opposed to defaulting to your childhood lens in dealing with your parents.

It’s like seeing the wizard of Oz as a shrunken little man.

You don’t owe anyone anything. We can say that on an intellectual level without feeling what it means. But when we can adopt the adult lens we’ve earned, the one that can see how tiny the tables and chairs have become inside our kindergarten classroom, the stuff we’ve been struggling with loses much of its charge.

This isn’t dismissive, like what is real doesn’t exist, it’s just one aspect of maturity that offers us tools to cope that we didn’t have before. It’s a recognition that we get to choose the degree to which old harms ‘must’ touch us in the same way that trips the old wires.

You are more mature today than you were yesterday. During times of stress and growth you have the option to allow yourself to become aware of this. Adulting isn’t easy under the best of conditions, so be kind to yourself despite your conditioning—and even in spite of it.

You are working your recovery, and you are finding value in it. So trust it, and trust your Self.  

Head high.

[SooSad33]

6 hours ago, MaryAnne7 said:

I have not been able to become close with anyone because I’m so damn scared as I never felt safe in my own home and didn’t know what would come next. I have not told her I have CPTSD to protect her feelings and I served as her emotional dumpster over the years. I was very firm in setting my boundary we said goodbye and I thought it was over. Next morning I decided to share an ACA video with her so she would UNDERSTAND my experience. To which her reply was that I’m terrible because I’m implying they are ***ty parents, she’s tired of *** I gave her, that’s I’m an ungrateful pig and they’ve raised a total snake. (Last time I stopped to her for a month because she called me a “snot” out of her nose, so the abuse is not new). She threatened she will tell dad I think he’s alcoholic (which he is lol)

So sorry to hear of all this 😕 .  

Sadly, when there are such 'toxic' people in this world, they will not or cannot 'understand' our point of view.  They will Always turn it around, like THEY are the one's being mistreated and YOU are the bad one.... Yes, toxic!  

Yet, YOU were the one mistreated!

So, all you can do is continue on your own path.  Do what you need to do ( therapy).  mention this to your therapist ( your parents reaction) and hopefully they can help you in dealing with this negative response.

You're now at a distance? Good, is maybe best to keep it this way.  Find your own new life there!  Live for yourself and continue to work on getting yourself better.  In time, I believe you will be able to grow in a positive manner and find some decent friends and partner.

One day at a time.. take care of YOU ❤️ 

[MaryAnne7]

10 hours ago, Seraphim said:

I endured a lot of abuse as a kid, perpetrated by my dad and some of his family members. In my 40’s I sought therapy and I made it clear to my mom how she played a part in this happening by her constantly believing he was “ better now .” That she had thrown us under the bus in efforts to help him. She cried a lot and made a lot of excuses but then apologized and realized her mistakes. However, she has that capability . She has a lot of her own trauma that made her vulnerable to my dad’s BS. My dad was also badly abused and was severely mentally ill. My dad never apologized and told me to suck it up . We never reconciled and he has passed away now. And now in my late 50’s I have to resolve this for myself. 
 

I know we always want a parent’s love and apology for wrong doings. Sometimes we never get that and we have to grieve the loss of a lost childhood and loss of parental love and understanding. People are so flawed. Some never get beyond their own trauma and that is my dad and your parents. Unfortunately, we can’t find solace and comfort in these people. We have to find it in ourself for ourselves. 
 

Sending you good thoughts for strength and self love . 

I am so sorry you had to go through that, I cannot imagine what you felt.

 I was jealous when I read your mum cried and apologised, my parents never apologised to me once in my entire life. as you said, your mum has the capacity. I will look into myself for self-love. Thank you for kind words ❤️

[MaryAnne7]

10 hours ago, Lambert said:

It is ok to keep your distance from people that continually harm you, even your own parents.  Stick to therapy and healing yourself. It's a complicated thing, the relationship we have with our parents.  Focus on the good they did, that got you to where you are now (professionally).  Both can be true-- they gave you tools you needed and they abused you.  Move forward for yourself, knowing that YOU can heal and have a great life.  You can write a new future.  

 

Thank you. The ambivalence (them loving me very much and abusing me) is the part I struggle the most with. 

[MaryAnne7]

9 hours ago, catfeeder said:

I get it. Just want to clarify that the higher perspective is not some sentence that imposes a responsibility for anyone else on you. There are no moralizing ‘shoulds’ that come with it. Just the opposite. It’s a place you have already earned, where you can tap your own highest intelligence, which liberates you from being taken down, as opposed to defaulting to your childhood lens in dealing with your parents.

It’s like seeing the wizard of Oz as a shrunken little man.

You don’t owe anyone anything. We can say that on an intellectual level without feeling what it means. But when we can adopt the adult lens we’ve earned, the one that can see how tiny the tables and chairs have become inside our kindergarten classroom, the stuff we’ve been struggling with loses much of its charge.

This isn’t dismissive, like what is real doesn’t exist, it’s just one aspect of maturity that offers us tools to cope that we didn’t have before. It’s a recognition that we get to choose the degree to which old harms ‘must’ touch us in the same way that trips the old wires.

You are more mature today than you were yesterday. During times of stress and growth you have the option to allow yourself to become aware of this. Adulting isn’t easy under the best of conditions, so be kind to yourself despite your conditioning—and even in spite of it.

You are working your recovery, and you are finding value in it. So trust it, and trust your Self.  

Head high.

I’ve taken a screenshot of the message just to remind myself. Thank you! 

[MaryAnne7]

6 hours ago, SooSad33 said:

So sorry to hear of all this 😕 .  

Sadly, when there are such 'toxic' people in this world, they will not or cannot 'understand' our point of view.  They will Always turn it around, like THEY are the one's being mistreated and YOU are the bad one.... Yes, toxic!  

Yet, YOU were the one mistreated!

So, all you can do is continue on your own path.  Do what you need to do ( therapy).  mention this to your therapist ( your parents reaction) and hopefully they can help you in dealing with this negative response.

You're now at a distance? Good, is maybe best to keep it this way.  Find your own new life there!  Live for yourself and continue to work on getting yourself better.  In time, I believe you will be able to grow in a positive manner and find some decent friends and partner.

One day at a time.. take care of YOU ❤️ 

Sadly I’ve noticed these patterns in me too, and I’m working hard to re-wire myself. Thank you for support! ❤️

[Lambert]

7 hours ago, MaryAnne7 said:

Thank you. The ambivalence (them loving me very much and abusing me) is the part I struggle the most with. 

I think that is to be expected and hopefully therapy and the therapist has strategies you can practice to help you manage this. 

Strategies that have helped me are things like breathing exercises to help stay in the present moment. Also things to ease my thoughts. Trying not to label them as good or bad or as a way to beat myself up, instead  redirecting my thoughts to thoughts that are more supportive like, "its ok. I've made it this far.  I'm doing good".

A lot of my strategies come from my yoga practice. Yoga is a great source for self care.  I can't recommend it enough. 

Some things in life we never get over.  But if we're lucky, we can learn to live with.  yes you have been through a lot but you made it this far.  And that is something to focus on. 

 

[MaryAnne7]

1 hour ago, Lambert said:

I think that is to be expected and hopefully therapy and the therapist has strategies you can practice to help you manage this. 

Strategies that have helped me are things like breathing exercises to help stay in the present moment. Also things to ease my thoughts. Trying not to label them as good or bad or as a way to beat myself up, instead  redirecting my thoughts to thoughts that are more supportive like, "its ok. I've made it this far.  I'm doing good".

A lot of my strategies come from my yoga practice. Yoga is a great source for self care.  I can't recommend it enough. 

Some things in life we never get over.  But if we're lucky, we can learn to live with.  yes you have been through a lot but you made it this far.  And that is something to focus on. 

 

❤️

[Cherylyn]

Estrangement will set you free.  Seek help from a psychologist and hopefully he or she can help you.

Be your own person.  Carve out a life of your own.  You have a successful career so continue prospering and working hard.  Afford to be very picky and choosy.  Associate with very moral people,  positive role models and healthy influences.  Create your own mentally sound world.  You can do this!  🙂

[catfeeder]

10 hours ago, MaryAnne7 said:

Thank you. The ambivalence (them loving me very much and abusing me) is the part I struggle the most with. 

I hear. This aligns with the common defensive reaction of child molesters who claim that they love children, and therefore would never harm them.

In their illness they do not view what they do as harm, but rather an expression of their ‘love’.

Your parents are ill, and they view their abuse as a form of discipline that aligns with their views of love.

This is why you can’t make a dent by trying to impose a rational understanding of their behavior as abusive. It isn’t just that they fail to see it that way, they also have too much to lose by viewing themselves as criminals.

Your parents are not unique in this regard, they are typical. That’s why it’s harmful rather than beneficial for you to believe that your parents ‘should’ somehow become the exceptions who can place their love for you above their defenses. Because they don’t see any distinction  between their love and their behaviors, they won’t see such an attempt as anything other than you trying to blame them for any deficiencies you may see in yourself.

And so they’ve confirmed this with their reactions. And now your job isn’t to figure out a way around that, you can’t. Your job is to recognize that you did not ‘fail’ to make them see what you see, but rather, you have come to learn the foundational aspect of their pathology—they are incapable of grasping that their definition of ‘love’ is harmful.

[MaryAnne7]

1 hour ago, catfeeder said:

I hear. This aligns with the common defensive reaction of child molesters who claim that they love children, and therefore would never harm them.

In their illness they do not view what they do as harm, but rather an expression of their ‘love’.

Your parents are ill, and they view their abuse as a form of discipline that aligns with their views of love.

This is why you can’t make a dent by trying to impose a rational understanding of their behavior as abusive. It isn’t just that they fail to see it that way, they also have too much to lose by viewing themselves as criminals.

Your parents are not unique in this regard, they are typical. That’s why it’s harmful rather than beneficial for you to believe that your parents ‘should’ somehow become the exceptions who can place their love for you above their defenses. Because they don’t see any distinction  between their love and their behaviors, they won’t see such an attempt as anything other than you trying to blame them for any deficiencies you may see in yourself.

And so they’ve confirmed this with their reactions. And now your job isn’t to figure out a way around that, you can’t. Your job is to recognize that you did not ‘fail’ to make them see what you see, but rather, you have come to learn the foundational aspect of their pathology—they are incapable of grasping that their definition of ‘love’ is harmful.

As much as it was painful to read, that’s so true. Your response is very insightful, I’m grateful. 

[MaryAnne7]

3 hours ago, Cherylyn said:

Estrangement will set you free.  Seek help from a psychologist and hopefully he or she can help you.

Be your own person.  Carve out a life of your own.  You have a successful career so continue prospering and working hard.  Afford to be very picky and choosy.  Associate with very moral people,  positive role models and healthy influences.  Create your own mentally sound world.  You can do this!  🙂

Thank you for support, it means a lot ❤️