Trying to figure out what is normal in the dating life

[catfeeder]

55 minutes ago, foreverblue said:

This is the level of intelligence and confidence I aspire to be at

You ARE intelligent, and confidence is a decision that is self-taught. I think the best way to gain it is to scrap everything you’ve ever told yourself about failures.

Failures belong to the most confident people, because they allow themselves to test things to learn what fails, and what that can teach them. Then they try again to tweak their process to find better outcomes.

So if you view dating through a lens that says, “Let me figure out what makes this person NOT a good match for me…” then you can save time and effort, and you can focus instead on setting up quick meets over coffee on your way home from work with guys who are using the app for the same purpose as you.

But you need to decide first WHY you are using the app.

 If it’s just to meet whoever is out there, you have no compass. And that’s not only a waste of your time, it’s dangerous.

[Batya33]

To clarify -I didn't mean the OP wasn't intelligent -she is  - I just didn't think she needed to aspire to some sort of higher level of intelligence in order to make better choices - no issue if someone wants to improve their learning or level of confidence of course!

[foreverblue]

4 hours ago, catfeeder said:

You ARE intelligent, and confidence is a decision that is self-taught. I think the best way to gain it is to scrap everything you’ve ever told yourself about failures.

Failures belong to the most confident people, because they allow themselves to test things to learn what fails, and what that can teach them. Then they try again to tweak their process to find better outcomes.

So if you view dating through a lens that says, “Let me figure out what makes this person NOT a good match for me…” then you can save time and effort, and you can focus instead on setting up quick meets over coffee on your way home from work with guys who are using the app for the same purpose as you.

But you need to decide first WHY you are using the app.

 If it’s just to meet whoever is out there, you have no compass. And that’s not only a waste of your time, it’s dangerous.

Thank you, I had the mindset that whoever reached out to me I was going to try to get to know because I didn't want to reject anyone based on superficiality. So I did talk to a few of them but he was the one that got my attention because he was attractive to me, is a hardworker and even though he is in financial problem he's not giving up 

[boltnrun]

But he said he didn't want a relationship.

[lostandhurt]

So he is broke as a joke, frazzled and still connected with his ex through these investments.

This guy has no business dating anyone!!!  This is my number one pet peeve about dating.  People or their lives are a mess so they go on dates to make themselves feel better but it is at someone else's expense. In this case it was literally at YOUR expense.

Hapless people see them and think "Oh he is cute" so they go on a date or talk on the phone and convince themselves even though their life is a mess or whatever that they should give them a shot.  Don't get me wrong I think grace is a wonderful quality but it needs to be done with eyes wide open. 

 I think you went into this with good intentions but failed to see what was right in front of you.  Usually happens to guys with super hot women.  Our common sense and IQ drops so low it is a wonder we can form a sentence let alone see that she is bad news.  I have been guilty of it more than a few times so don't feel bad.

Basically he told you who he was and his life situation but you chose to focus only on the positives. Hard worker, not a quitter and attractive.  A stand up person wouldn't drag someone else into their mess.

Lost

PS  There is no "NORMAL" in dating life.   Just a bunch of life lessons as you search for the one that is right for you.

[catfeeder]

1 hour ago, foreverblue said:

Thank you, I had the mindset that whoever reached out to me I was going to try to get to know because I didn't want to reject anyone based on superficiality. So I did talk to a few of them but he was the one that got my attention because he was attractive to me, is a hardworker and even though he is in financial problem he's not giving up 

Who is questioning your private level of superficiality? If they exist, they are not living your love life FOR you, so they don't get a vote.

Have you figured out why you are dating?

Do you want to find a good relationship, or are you running a charity operation?

[Batya33]

7 hours ago, foreverblue said:

Thank you, I had the mindset that whoever reached out to me I was going to try to get to know because I didn't want to reject anyone based on superficiality. So I did talk to a few of them but he was the one that got my attention because he was attractive to me, is a hardworker and even though he is in financial problem he's not giving up 

If you don't find someone attractive at all you are not rejecting them - you are declining to meet with potential to date because you find their looks unattractive. They are strangers for all real purposes -you'e simply declining to consider the person as a potential date.  Why waste their time? For most people looks matter, and for most people there is some level of "superficiality" in attraction, with rare exception. Why waste someone's time? If you're on the fence about this and think maybe in person you'd find the person attractive nothing wrong at all with arranging a first meet.

[foreverblue]

On 8/27/2023 at 5:33 AM, Lambert said:

@waffle you said it all here.

OP, you deserve better but you'll never get more by accepting less.

Block this guy now. don't give him the chance to contact you.  As nice as it would be to reply with a big f u, you'll just feel bad about it.  Remove the problem from your life.  

Also- people on line are a dime a dozen. there are plenty of damaged people- see the writing on the wall. the things you mentioned are big GIANT HUGE deal breakers 

1. broke financially

2. broke emotionally 

3. financial problems with ex

4. legally still connected to ex

This guy screams 'I'm a loser'

There's nothing wrong with a person going through a rough patch. It happens, but a quality person is busy trying to fix their situation and not on dating apps. They know they have nothing to offer to a quality person. 

Recognize your own worth. And don't allow this crap to happen again.  

Thank you, we met once more after that, so a total of three times and he was blatantly disrespectful, never called me or texted me back, except to tell me he "had a good time" luckily I conserved some of my self-respect and though tempted wouldn't go all the way. Validation in the moment will lead to self-sabotage in the long run. Everyone @Batya33 @boltnrun @Wiseman2 @Kwothe28 @MissCanuck @Andrina was right, and thank you for providing the common sense knowledge that I should know at this point, but don't for whatever reason, intutively I do have that feeling of "this isnt right" but I don't articulate itself consciously into my everyday life choices. 

[Wiseman2]

16 minutes ago, foreverblue said:

 he was blatantly disrespectful, never called me or texted me back, except to tell me he "had a good time" luckily I conserved some of my self-respect and though tempted wouldn't go all the way. 

Sorry this happened. Hopefully you've deleted and blocked him. It seems like you dodged a bullet. 

[Lambert]

4 hours ago, foreverblue said:

Thank you, we met once more after that, so a total of three times and he was blatantly disrespectful, never called me or texted me back, except to tell me he "had a good time" luckily I conserved some of my self-respect and though tempted wouldn't go all the way. Validation in the moment will lead to self-sabotage in the long run. Everyone @Batya33 @boltnrun @Wiseman2 @Kwothe28 @MissCanuck @Andrina was right, and thank you for providing the common sense knowledge that I should know at this point, but don't for whatever reason, intutively I do have that feeling of "this isnt right" but I don't articulate itself consciously into my everyday life choices. 

don't beat yourself up.  we're all living and learning. Hang in there! 

[catfeeder]

On 9/16/2023 at 3:44 PM, foreverblue said:

...intutively I do have that feeling of "this isnt right" but I don't articulate itself consciously into my everyday life choices. 

The way to spot what's wrong for you is to get clear about what you DO want for yourself. Then anything that isn't right for you will be equally as clear.

If you want to seek a long term committed relationship, put that in your profile and one of the first questions you ask potential dates when you quick-meet for coffee can be, "Do you consider yourself to be dating to find a long term partner?"

Anything less than a 'Yes,' is a 'No,' and you can thank him for his honesty and tell him that if he ever decides to seek the kind of long range partnership you're looking for, he can let you know. If you're still available then, maybe you can meet to catch up.

Also clarify for yourself what you want a relationship to look like, sound like and feel like. This way, whenever someone treats you outside of those bounds, you'll know it, and you can thank them for the date but then never  see them again.

Don't be a candle in the wind and cling to anyone who's willing to spend time with you. That sets you up for mistreatment and possible abuse, if not from some guy, then from your Self.

Head high, you can do this.

[foreverblue]

@catfeeder I can't thank you enough for such thoughtful responses!