Am I overreacting

[Enotalone user]

Hi. I’m (16M) am in a relationship with someone (16M) and we have been going out for around 2 months. It’s my first relationship and his so still learning and everything. And he does something which is probably small but makes me quite upset and I don’t know exactly why.

we will message good morning and he will sometimes tell me he’s going somewhere with his Nan and brother like the beach or something. But then that’s it. The whole day I don’t hear anything from him for sometimes 12 hours. Normally I don’t mind as I’m doing my own thing but what bothers me is when he posts a photo on his Instagram story of the beach or whatever he was doing. This bothers me as i feel like he prioritises posting these things on Instagram instead of showing me what he’s up to and what he’s doing. 

Around a month ago I went away and would always send pictures of what I was doing and didn’t post anything on any social media (I don’t do that anyway really). And generally just show what I was up to. He’s been away for a day or two now and he’s sent me one picture of what he’s doing but on his Instagram he’s put at least 3 pictures up already. This sounds so obsessive and weird but it just upsets me a bit because I feel like I make more of an effort to talk and show him what I’m up to and I just have to look at what he shows everybody else. He promised to update me on if he got there and whatever but I didn’t get anything from him and just saw on his story that he was at the airport. I saw he landed because we both use this flight tracking app and he did the same when I went away. I messaged him saying basically yay you landed and he read it and ignored it for a while until messaging way later saying sorry for the late reply but he had a bad signal but I saw he was on Instagram earlier.

am I overreacting 

 

[Wiseman2]

9 minutes ago, Enotalone user said:

. I’m (16M) am in a relationship with someone (16M) and we have been going out for around 2 months. It’s my first relationship and his 

Is it possible he's hiding things from his family? Try to step back and focus on your in-person relationship. It's ok if you both have a life outside each other.

Keep in mind there's no set rules, you are both new to dating and each other so there's things to learn about each other's communication preferences.

[Enotalone user]

Just now, Wiseman2 said:

Is it possible he's hiding things from his family? Try to step back and focus on your in-person relationship. It's ok if you both have a life outside each other.

Keep in mind there's no set rules, you are both new to dating and each other so there's things to learn about each other's communication preferences.

This isn’t really about the hiding part though it’s just about him not showing me what he’s doing 

[lostandhurt]

Yes you are overreacting.  You are different and do things differently like in the case of social media.  He posts a lot and you do not.  Not right or wrong just different.

He may feel like since he posted it he doesn't need to send you anything but since you don't really post all your activities on social media you send him things.

Is this you being insecure?  Untrusting? Not comfortable yet  in this new relationship?  Still learning what it is like to be in a relationship?  This is for you to decide and work on together.

 This means thinking long and hard about why this bothers you BEFORE you talk to him about your feelings.  It isn't fair to dump this on him like he is doing something wrong when he is just being who he is.  I doubt he is doing it to hurt you so consider who he was before you got together and if he is still basically the same person then is it really his issue or yours?

It is perfectly fine to talk to your partner about how the things they do or don't do make you feel but you need to know where they are coming from.  It isn't his responsibility to fix your issues but he can be understanding and supportive.

 Lost

[Enotalone user]

Just now, lostandhurt said:

Yes you are overreacting.  You are different and do things differently like in the case of social media.  He posts a lot and you do not.  Not right or wrong just different.

He may feel like since he posted it he doesn't need to send you anything but since you don't really post all your activities on social media you send him things.

Is this you being insecure?  Untrusting? Not comfortable yet  in this new relationship?  Still learning what it is like to be in a relationship?  This is for you to decide and work on together.

 This means thinking long and hard about why this bothers you BEFORE you talk to him about your feelings.  It isn't fair to dump this on him like he is doing something wrong when he is just being who he is.  I doubt he is doing it to hurt you so consider who he was before you got together and if he is still basically the same person then is it really his issue or yours?

It is perfectly fine to talk to your partner about how the things they do or don't do make you feel but you need to know where they are coming from.  It isn't his responsibility to fix your issues but he can be understanding and supportive.

 Lost

I have thought about it and I think it is me being insecure. I just hate that feeling I get in my stomach when I see he posted something on his story when I should be interested and happy for him. I will not discuss this with him, if I decide to, until he’s back because I don’t want to ruin his holiday it wouldn’t be fair.

The Instagram posting only started about 3 weeks ago.

[shouldhavelearned]

Part of the bumpy ride of teenage relationships

Talk on phone more and text less 

[smackie9]

It's just your teenage brain hun. Everything is new to you so your brain doesn't know how to cope yet. You are still developing mentally and so is he. No one knows any better, it is what it is. You have to try and train your brain not to have those feels because it's not necessary to experience them. You have nothing to be jealous about or worried about. He isn't doing anything that should be hurtful. Turning it into something obsessive needs to be kept in check. I suggest to spend less time trying to follow him around in what he is doing. The only thing you can do is reach out once in awhile, but don't push it if you don't hear from him. Glad to hear you are busy doing your own thing, that's the right thing to do. having too much attachment is what's going to get you into more bad feelings.

Now if this whole relationship starts to make you feel real uncomfortable/upset/angry, you simply end it and move on. Don't fight it. This is about expectations and compatibility. You date those who treat you the way you expect to be treated. If your expectations are not being fulfilled, you look for someone else. Just liking each other isn't a big enough reason to stay together.

[Enotalone user]

1 minute ago, smackie9 said:

It's just your teenage brain hun. Everything is new to you so your brain doesn't know how to cope yet. You are still developing mentally and so is he. No one knows any better, it is what it is. You have to try and train your brain not to have those feels because it's not necessary to experience them. You have nothing to be jealous about or worried about. He isn't doing anything that should be hurtful. Turning it into something obsessive needs to be kept in check. I suggest to spend less time trying to follow him around in what he is doing. The only thing you can do is reach out once in awhile, but don't push it if you don't hear from him. Glad to hear you are busy doing your own thing, that's the right things to do. having too much attachment is what's going to get you into more bad feelings.

Now if this whole relationship starts to make you feel real uncomfortable/upset/angry, you simply end it and move on. Don't fight it. This is about expectations and compatibility. You date those who treat you the way you expect to be treated. If your expectations are not being fulfilled, you look for someone else. Just liking each other isn't a big enough reason to stay together.

Thanks. In person and on call he’s absolutely amazing and I wouldn’t even think to come and write a post here it’s just some of his behaviours when we’re not on the phone or together in person. He shows me he loves me all the time so I just need to get these strong insecure emotions in check.

[Kwothe28]

40 minutes ago, Enotalone user said:

am I overreacting 

 

Well, you are 16 so its kinda normal for your age lol

He doesnt really need to rapport about his every step. And I would argue that him putting it on Instagram is also publishing for everybody including you. Would maybe think diferently if he just ignores you but he clearly doesnt. You still do hear from him.

Also, why arent you on the beach with him? Are you invited but just cant do it or he does that separately from you?

[Enotalone user]

1 minute ago, Kwothe28 said:

 

Also, why arent you on the beach with him? Are you invited but just cant do it or he does that separately from you?

It’s when he’s with his Nan and brother and we haven’t told anyone about us yet as we’re both still closeted. We both go to the beach and other places  together a lot though

[MissCanuck]

14 minutes ago, Enotalone user said:

we haven’t told anyone about us yet as we’re both still closeted

Maybe he is worried one of them will get into his phone and see he's been messaging you more than a friend probably would. This could very well be his attempt to keep things on the down low for now, OP. 

 

[Enotalone user]

7 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

Maybe he is worried one of them will get into his phone and see he's been messaging you more than a friend probably would. This could very well be his attempt to keep things on the down low for now, OP. 

 

The trip he’s on now is with a scout group he’s a part of so maybe this is partly why but I don’t think so. Because he does message every so often

[MissCanuck]

Just now, Enotalone user said:

The trip he’s on now is with a scout group he’s a part of so maybe this is partly why but I don’t think so. Because he does message every so often

Right, but it's also plausible that one messages their friend every so often. 

What I'm saying is that he might be worried about being found out if he sends you the sorts of messages a couple might send (ie, checking in after arriving, and so on) or seems to be on his phone a lot. That might have nothing to do with it, but I wouldn't rule it out either. 

 

[Enotalone user]

1 minute ago, MissCanuck said:

Right, but it's also plausible that one messages their friend every so often. 

What I'm saying is that he might be worried about being found out if he sends you the sorts of messages a couple might send (ie, checking in after arriving, and so on) or seems to be on his phone a lot. That might have nothing to do with it, but I wouldn't rule it out either. 

 

Ok 👌 thanks 🙏 

[Batya33]

Two months and this is "love?" Do you feel like this is moving too fast and that's also adding to the insecurities?

[Enotalone user]

4 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Two months and this is "love?" Do you feel like this is moving too fast and that's also adding to the insecurities?

No I’m comfortable and as far as I know he is too as he often expresses it and shows it as do I. We knew each other a while before this and liked each other for a while so this isn’t out of no where.

[Batya33]

6 minutes ago, Enotalone user said:

No I’m comfortable and as far as I know he is too as he often expresses it and shows it as do I. We knew each other a while before this and liked each other for a while so this isn’t out of no where.

Yes but back then you wouldn't have needed him to be on such a short leash.  KNowing each other as friends is different from being in a serious romantic relationship.

In 1981 when I was 15 my boyfriend was 16 - he was very handsome, popular, active social life.  We went to different high schools.  We spoke once or twice a week and saw each other once or twice a week -we were serious for 3 years.  I never knew where he was at all times and vice versa - never occurred to me that he should call me (from a payphone) or check in with me.  I mean not just because it wasn't practical but just -because.  

I get that times are different but please know it's loads more fun to miss each other a bit and catch up in person.  And I don't post on FB or IG but there are times I'll comment on a post instead of responding to a friend's private message for a variety of reasons -the private messge might be more time consuming -or less time sensitive -than making a post.  For example.

[Enotalone user]

5 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Yes but back then you wouldn't have needed him to be on such a short leash.  KNowing each other as friends is different from being in a serious romantic relationship.

In 1981 when I was 15 my boyfriend was 16 - he was very handsome, popular, active social life.  We went to different high schools.  We spoke once or twice a week and saw each other once or twice a week -we were serious for 3 years.  I never knew where he was at all times and vice versa - never occurred to me that he should call me (from a payphone) or check in with me.  I mean not just because it wasn't practical but just -because.  

I get that times are different but please know it's loads more fun to miss each other a bit and catch up in person.  And I don't post on FB or IG but there are times I'll comment on a post instead of responding to a friend's private message for a variety of reasons -the private messge might be more time consuming -or less time sensitive -than making a post.  For example.

Normally though I wouldn’t be as bothered but when he’s in another country it’s nice to know if he got there ok at least 

[Batya33]

Just now, Enotalone user said:

Normally though I wouldn’t be as bothered but when he’s in another country it’s nice to know if he got there ok at least 

Oh ok so I would limit it to that. “Would you mind letting me know you arrived safely? Thanks!”  But if that’s all it was you wouldn’t have posted here. 

[Enotalone user]

2 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

 But if that’s all it was you wouldn’t have posted here. 

Yes it is a bit more admittedly as I explained in my above posts. Maybe I just feel a bit hurt that he didn’t decide to send those photos to me directly. 

[Batya33]

5 minutes ago, Enotalone user said:

Yes it is a bit more admittedly as I explained in my above posts. Maybe I just feel a bit hurt that he didn’t decide to send those photos to me directly. 

Yes. So I think this isn’t just about social media. Do you think you’re more into him than he is to you ?

[Enotalone user]

8 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Yes. So I think this isn’t just about social media. Do you think you’re more into him than he is to you ?

No I don’t 

[Andrina]

There are times it's good to communicate your wants, but I'm not so sure I'd do that in this case. He might feel too much like it's a parent, demanding to know his whereabouts. He also might see this as a needy whining.

What might I do in your shoes? If his Instagram is a constant stressor for you, delete him as a contact. I'd continue connecting to him in the ways and amounts you are comfortable with, and have a wait-and-see attitude to see if he improves in the way you like to be connected.

These are the beginning stages to see if you two are compatible. I know when I was single and dating, there was one guy who didn't like to be connected unless he was calling to make a date for us to get together. With the man who ended up becoming my husband, he'd text a few times a day, call me once in the evening, and make dates with me 2 or 3 times per week. I enjoyed his style of being connected.

At 16, this guy likely won't become your lifetime partner, so try not to be so serious about certain things. This is a time to have a fun companion to spend time with, but make sure you keep a well-rounded life besides being someone's partner. Keep up with your time with friends, hobbies, and everything else that keeps you busy in life. If you start nit-picking about minor things, he'll move to things more pleasurable in life and exit from your life if the cons start overriding the pros. Good luck.

[Enotalone user]

3 minutes ago, Andrina said:

There are times it's good to communicate your wants, but I'm not so sure I'd do that in this case. He might feel too much like it's a parent, demanding to know his whereabouts. He also might see this as a needy whining.

What might I do in your shoes? If his Instagram is a constant stressor for you, delete him as a contact. I'd continue connecting to him in the ways and amounts you are comfortable with, and have a wait-and-see attitude to see if he improves in the way you like to be connected.

These are the beginning stages to see if you two are compatible. I know when I was single and dating, there was one guy who didn't like to be connected unless he was calling to make a date for us to get together. With the man who ended up becoming my husband, he'd text a few times a day, call me once in the evening, and make dates with me 2 or 3 times per week. I enjoyed his style of being connected.

At 16, this guy likely won't become your lifetime partner, so try not to be so serious about certain things. This is a time to have a fun companion to spend time with, but make sure you keep a well-rounded life besides being someone's partner. Keep up with your time with friends, hobbies, and everything else that keeps you busy in life. If you start nit-picking about minor things, he'll move to things more pleasurable in life and exit from your life if the cons start overriding the pros. Good luck.

Yes after evaluating everything I think I just get too overly emotional and stressed too quickly. He literally just messaged now and we had a long conversation about his day and how everything went. I feel bad now but didn’t say anything to him so I don’t need to worry about his trip being effected. Think I need to look at why I feel like this and what I can do to improve myself. Because If I keep looking at these minor things then I’ll never just be happy. And this has happened with anyone I’ve ever liked so it’s not him being the problem it’s just me being insecure. 

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Enotalone user said:

 we haven’t told anyone about us yet as we’re both still closeted. 

It's important to be more mindful of this. Perhaps he doesn't want to draw attention to your relationship at this time. That's why he just posts on social media in a general sort of way. Please don't take it personally.