My partner barely shows any sign of affection. How can I deal with this?

[Cbigsby]

I (M31) have been with my boyfriend (M38) for several months now after almost a year of hanging out as very close friends.

I am pretty happy with how our relationship works except when it comes to signs of affection.

There was a very brief moment right when we became more than friends when he was very vocal about how happy he was and he was very affectionate. But it faded quickly (only after a couple of weeks) and now I get barely anything from him.

I tried to talk to him about it at some point and things have been very complicated for more than a month. Apparently everything was fine for him and I popped the perfect bubble he was in. He was angry and felt like I wasn’t authentic since the beginning of the relationship.

Now if I am not the one initiating it would just be one kiss hello and one kiss goodbye. I have been doing a lot of self reflection, trying to figure out if I’m demanding for too much. I keep lowering my expectations down but this is not enough for me and I don’t know what to do anymore. I am almost certain he really loves me (he said it on a few occasions) but I don’t feel it on a daily basis. Most of the time I just feel like hanging out with a friend that I occasionally have sex with.

I am aware not everyone expresses love the same way, I read a little bit about the 5 love languages and I would be more than happy with pretty much any way he would choose to express it.

As an example: the other night we went to bed. I come close to him to give him a hug - wasn’t even looking for sex - and I have no reaction on his part. It would’ve been the same hugging a piece of wood. Then I roll back to my side to sleep and only then he hugs me back and ask if I’m mad. Then why not hugging me from the start? I just don’t get it.

I am starting to wonder if the relationship is doomed or if there is something to do to make things work for both of us. I would understand this situation more if we were living together after several years. But we only see each other a couple times during the week and it’s still pretty fresh so I still expect the ‘spark’ to be there.

TL;DR: Partner shows almost no signs of affection and I don’t know how to deal with it anymore. Am I too demanding or is it legitimate to ask for more?

[poorlittlefish]

Unfortunately some people are just not affectionate and don't understand others' need for it.  I spent 5 years with someone who was like that and it really got to me.  If affection is important to you (which it clearly is and is reasonable to want in a relationship), then you can tell him this and how it would help if he demonstrated it more, but ultimately I think any effort on his part will soon drop off.  I think you're unlikely to be happy long-term if you continue with this guy.

[Kwothe28]

I am sorry, but you are just incompatible when it comes to intimacy in general. He is somebody that is pretty reserved when it comes to it. You on the other hand are not and want your partner to be more intimate. So you just dont match in that way nore I am afraid you ever will.

[Andrina]

This is supposed to be the vetting stage, to see if it's best to stay or move on. Yes, people normally show their partners love in whatever comes naturally, according to their love language. They don't have to match, but when you communicate what you need to feel loved and that request is reasonable, a person who cares would want to please you and make an effort.

You tried communication and you were met with anger. I'd take this as a huge sign it's time to exit. 

[catfeeder]

14 hours ago, Cbigsby said:

I tried to talk to him about it at some point and things have been very complicated for more than a month. Apparently everything was fine for him and I popped the perfect bubble he was in. He was angry and felt like I wasn’t authentic since the beginning of the relationship.

I don't really understand this paragraph. When you raised it with him, was it in a complaining way? An accusatory way? Or were you encouraging, and he still took offense?

What does he mean that you weren't authentic?

[Cbigsby]

On 8/12/2023 at 10:46 PM, catfeeder said:

I don't really understand this paragraph. When you raised it with him, was it in a complaining way? An accusatory way? Or were you encouraging, and he still took offense?

What does he mean that you weren't authentic?

I tried my best not to do it in an accusatory way. I'm not the best when it comes to communication and I probably could've done a better job, but basically I started stating how much I love him and I appreciate the moments we spend together. But I also pointed that some of his behaviors could sometimes make me feel rejected and unloved. 

For example:

- When I try to come and kiss/hug him he often finds a way to dodge my approach.

- If I end a text with 'I love you' or 'I miss you' he's often going to reply to the first part of the text and not mention anything about the love you part.

- There is a huge gap when it comes to gifts. I like to please him on his birthday and also some small attentions even when there's no special occasion while I get barely nothing from him. I'm not the one to count points and I don't do it expecting the same in return. It's just that with the previous examples it's a lot that adds up to not feeling cared for.

After this he told me how bad he felt because he had no idea. To him everything was fine and it was not his intention to make me feel this way. Then he questioned the whole relationship, saying maybe some authenticity was missing since I didn't feel good but didn't express it right away.

At first I thought he would take my comments into consideration. Now the relationship is more often than not tense and every time we see each other he finds a new thing to blame me for.

[smackie9]

ugh not compatible period. Hun don't wait around for him to change. There's a reason why he's single.