I need help to understand my Sis's behavior

[Loka56]

My sis (5 years older than me) had a relationship that lasted for four years. When things were proceeding to the wedding, their relationship broke off because of several reasons. 

After that, we moved to a new place, and my mom decided to look for a suitable match for her through matchmakers, which is quite normal. 

I work in a good field and have fair pay and a better career than any of my sis yet. She consulted with me on if she could leave her corporate career, where she has five years of experience, and start working in the field I work in. It is possible to switch careers, so I supported her in all possible ways. I bore her expenses for 1+ years, and I looked for suitable matches for her; in short, I took more responsibilities than any of my sisters have ever done. 

I know breaking up is hard, and I totally understand she must be through many emotional complications. I got her enrolled in a top-class institute to learn the skill. Throughout that time, she was so sweet to me, like she has always been. 

But, as soon as she reached the stage to get a job, she turned her back. She started backbiting me in front of my mom. My mom is so easy to manipulate. She believes in whatever any person says. So my sister made my mom see me as someone who had made the bad/worst decision of leaving our dad's house and buying a new one, and that I am not someone mature but stupid. She also said that 'I would have earned some money if I were doing my corporate job instead of taking this career switch' as if I forced her to switch her career. 

She blames her breakup on our mom, saying, you didn't give me the right advice to end it sooner. 

So, when she was about to graduate from that institute, things were like 

- we are not talking to each other

- she is making fun of the things I do 

- She says I am a nasty *** 

and whatnot. 

Before this, She and I were like

- Loka, you are so hardworking; everyone should be like you

- Loka, you are the one who has made a great decision of taking a career switch so early in her life

- Loka, you are the best. You know how to earn well, handle house chores, handle outside work, and whatnot.

So the question is, I have seen her colors. I used to do everything for her happily. Like if she ever requires my heart, I will present it. But now I have seen her colors. 

She is also angry at my mom, and one of the huge barriers is why my mom is not approving of the man I want to marry. 

Now, for the past two days, my sister has been behaving so well. She got her corporate job back. Happy for her. But rn, she just asked me to help her like I always did. And I refused. 

I am not going to do her laundry, cooking, cleaning, and grooming while she is at work, and I am also working on a full-time plus part-time job. 

I don't know if maintaining a distance would be the right thing or if should I resume some of the behaviors I used to have toward her. 

Just to mention, she and I were like sweetheart sisters. I always thought I was so close to her until recently when she became someone I never saw before. 

[Wiseman2]

Definitely use boundaries. Let her manage her own education professional personal life and household work. Focus on moving forward in your own life, career and relationship. Your mother can't take sides so try to step back.

[SooSad33]

She sounds conflicted, unsettled, confused about a lot maybe? Overwhelmed- unhappy?

This is not your problem.  She needs to get herself together and NOT vent on you, etc.  Her choices are just that ... hers!

If she had a relationship & ended that, it's her problem & choice.

I agree with you refusing to pick up the slack for her, where you, yourself has 2 jobs!  No, she can do her own stuff.

Maybe you all need a little 'down time' to work through issue's - and hopefully not have all these issue's ruin your relationship.

As for mom, I am sure, deep down, she knows plenty enough. 😉 A normal parent loves all of their children equally.

 

[Loka56]

T

1 minute ago, SooSad33 said:

She sounds conflicted, unsettled, confused about a lot maybe? Overwhelmed- unhappy?

This is not your problem.  She needs to get herself together and NOT vent on you, etc.  Her choices are just that ... hers!

If she had a relationship & ended that, it's her problem & choice.

I agree with you refusing to pick up the slack for her, where you, yourself has 2 jobs!  No, she can do her own stuff.

Maybe you all need a little 'down time' to work through issue's - and hopefully not have all these issue's ruin your relationship.

As for mom, I am sure, deep down, she knows plenty enough. 😉 A normal parent loves all of their children equally.

 

Thanks, my sister just asked me to do the favors I used to do for her before. I refused, and my mom lectured me, 'You should forget everything; she was in difficult times; you should look forward; after all, you guys have no one other than your siblings,' and I was like, what? After knowing all her colors? 

All I did was favors. She was entitled to those things. 

I just wanted to make sure that I am not making a mistake. 

[Cherylyn]

51 minutes ago, Loka56 said:

Now, for the past two days, my sister has been behaving so well. She got her corporate job back. Happy for her. But rn, she just asked me to help her like I always did. And I refused. 

I am not going to do her laundry, cooking, cleaning, and grooming while she is at work, and I am also working on a full-time plus part-time job. 

I don't know if maintaining a distance would be the right thing or if should I resume some of the behaviors I used to have toward her. 

Just to mention, she and I were like sweetheart sisters. I always thought I was so close to her until recently when she became someone I never saw before. 

@Loka56 Your sister sounds like a 'Good Time Charlie' and narcissist meaning when life is smooth,  she tends to treat you better.  A narcissist lacks empathy and never cares how you feel.   It's all about them.  Your well being never matters. 

You were right about refusing to help her as you've graciously done so in the past.  I wouldn't have either.

You are not her maid.  Never do her laundry,  cooking,  cleaning and grooming.  You are very busy with your jobs.  She should do her own chores and tasks,   be responsible for herself or hire help with her own pay. 

Yes,  maintaining a civil,  safe distance would be wise which is enforcing healthy boundaries with complicated,  unkind,  selfish characters.

I hear you.  My estranged sister and I were very close and now her narcissist ego is so inflated beyond measure.  It doesn't help that she's married to a narcissist and as they say,  you lie down with dogs,  you'll get up with fleas.   In other words,  she had been tainted courtesy of her _________ husband.  🤢

In the past,  whenever I was mistreated and disrespected,  I thought I should take the high road by being a good sport,  swallowed my pride,  was "Little Miss Merry Sunshine"   and practiced the mantra of "finding the good in everyone" as my mother-in-law (MIL) and my husband's late maternal grandmother used to say.  Well,  that only gets you so far before you're pummeled yet again.  ☹️ "Finding the good in everyone" or "nobody's perfect"  is akin to giving perpetrators a "free get out of jail"  pass and endless excuses for their bad behaviors.  Also,  it's enabling intolerable behaviors endlessly.   It's time for borders and boundaries otherwise your goodwill is always taken advantage of forever.  😡

For many years,  I acquiesced,  let bygones by bygones,  "moved on" despite many offenses and kept the peace.  Nowadays,  I beg to differ.   I've since pumped the brakes on allowing myself to be a doormat,  pushover and sucker.  No m'am.  No sir.  It's not happening.  Either I enforce very strict boundaries with untrustworthy people or I choose estrangement.  I've never been happier and I've never felt more empowered and safe from harm and sneaky tricks.  Get your power back and do the same as me!  My mantra?  You do you.  I'm out. 

Don't get frustrated and hurt.  Get smart.  This is how you become emboldened,  rough and tough.  👊  It builds your self esteem and increases your self confidence through the stratosphere.  My only regret was I didn't do it sooner.  I no longer sell my soul in order to be well liked.  I no longer ingratiate myself to perpetrators at the cost of stripping away my dignity.  That price is too high and I'm never willing to pay.  Be clear headed and kind to yourself because you matter and you deserve to be treated with respect.  Any other way is non-negotiable and a real permanent deal breaker.

[Loka56]

3 minutes ago, Cherylyn said:

My only regret was I didn't do it sooner.  I no longer sell my soul in order to be well liked.  I no longer ingratiate myself to perpetrators at the cost of stripping away my dignity. 

You are absolutely right here. I will save up my time and energy by serving my sister and helping those who are needy. I should save my good energies from being wasted somewhere where they are not appreciated. 

[tattoobunnie]

31 minutes ago, Loka56 said:

I don't know if maintaining a distance would be the right thing or if should I resume some of the behaviors I used to have toward her. 

She is jealous and deflecting.  I would just take a break from her.  Don't enable horrific behavior.

[Cherylyn]

14 minutes ago, Loka56 said:

You are absolutely right here. I will save up my time and energy by serving my sister and helping those who are needy. I should save my good energies from being wasted somewhere where they are not appreciated. 

Yes,  I've since learned what you wrote the very hard,  painful way.  When making decisions,  remove emotions as emotions will cloud your judgement.  Always remain piercingly shrewd because it will save you time and time again. 

[catfeeder]

Sister felt the pressure of graduating as the time to test whether she could live up to all real-or-imagined expectations of landing a new career successfully, and she choked.

She’s insecure and tried to hide that behind blaming and sabotaging.

While I would have sympathy for that, you’ve learned that taking too much responsibility for another adult usually backfires.

Charity always feels better to the giver than the receiver. This doesn’t mean we can’t be charitable, but moderation is the balance of everything. So I’d be kind to sister even while I would allow her the gift of adopting her own self care.

Should your mother comment on this, I would offer to her, “I promise not to interfere in your relationships with family members, and I ask for the same respect in return.”

You can be kind without being a doormat.

[Cherylyn]

3 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

You can be kind without being a doormat.

I agree.  I'll take it a step further by saying that being civil is often times the best you can do.  Remain peaceful yet steadfast and unwavering.  Be good and fair to yourself.  

Often times behaving in a passive aggressive manner is the only way to get your message across loud and clear.  Passive aggressive behavior often times gets a bad rap.  However,  I've since discovered that it's highly effective if the perpetrator is too dumb to comprehend what human decency is.  Hence,  I'm passive aggressive and I must say,  no translation necessary whatsoever.  It works great.  🙂