More post ‘great’ first date woes

[bluecastle]

2 hours ago, MrMan1983 said:

Apparently the apps are 75% men and 25% women with 20% of the guys getting nearly all the matches. I’m lucky that I do get likes and matches but then getting that to be more than one date with the ones I like is proving very difficult

Sorry about how all this has become a bit of a sore spot.

For whatever it's worth, I don't think what you're describing here is an app thing, a modern "market" thing, or anything in that realm. This is just what dating is, has always been. One or two dates is as far as it tends to go, for a variety of reasons. Then there are the exceptions, which are all the more delightful for being exceptional.

That's how I always approached it at least, and I found it cut out a lot of the anxiety. I'm right around your age, for whatever that's worth. 

But some general thoughts: I do agree that the bantering isn't needed, but less to up your chances for a second date than to decrease your own anxiety. "Great time—would love to do it again. How's Thursday or Saturday for you?" Shoot that off after a nice date, or the next morning, and let the chips land where they do. No need for additional frou-frou. 

And while I'm hardly one to knock an age gap—my ex was 12 years younger than me—I think you've just got to be realistic that a 20-something might be in a flightier life spot than you are. I know I certainly was at 25. So if you're going to wade into that pool—and wade away, if the waters appeal!—you've got to do so with realistic expectations. 

[MrMan1983]

1 minute ago, Batya33 said:

Yes. I’d move on from anyone lukewarm. I’d avoid venues where the focus is on alcohol. 

Indeed, the dating grind goes on. As per last time I often toy with the idea of taking months off dating apps etc and focusing purely on myself but been there, done that, got the t shirt and it just delays my chance of finally meeting someone. 

[Batya33]

7 minutes ago, MrMan1983 said:

Indeed, the dating grind goes on. As per last time I often toy with the idea of taking months off dating apps etc and focusing purely on myself but been there, done that, got the t shirt and it just delays my chance of finally meeting someone. 

I focused on myself and on meeting people. A balance. I never related to self focus meaning no dating. Yes if the person is truly struggling like in rehab or traumatized or truly unavailable to date. But to me personal growth is often best achieved with social interaction. I didn’t exclusively use dating apps or dating sites.

 Ironically because of a mistake my now husband made on his dating profile - which I think I I later pointed out to him- I’d likely have never come across it in my searches in the years we were broken up.

He wasn’t so active on them anyway. Plus for much of that time he lived in different cities although he was willing to do long distance at times. My searches were geographically restricted. A number of my friends met their spouses and SO through dating sites and apps. One is married 5 years , another 21 years and one is common law for around 15 years.   Another friend is with her boyfriend for over 10 years now. 

[MrMan1983]

3 minutes ago, bluecastle said:

And while I'm hardly one to knock an age gap—my ex was 12 years younger than me—I think you've just got to be realistic that a 20-something might be in a flightier life spot than you are. I know I certainly was at 25. So if you're going to wade into that pool—and wade away, if the waters appeal!—you've got to do so with realistic expectations.

Agreed, I actually went in not expecting much aside from hopefully a nice evening due to the age difference but wanted to be open minded. I did not expect to get on so well with her and it did kind of made me chuckle that I'm somehow on a date with this beautiful mid 20s girl at my age that 'seems' into me. But I do agree, got to be realistic that it was a long shot given the circumstances.

[bluecastle]

21 minutes ago, MrMan1983 said:

it did kind of made me chuckle that I'm somehow on a date with this beautiful mid 20s girl at my age

No reason to chuckle. Probably happened for the same reason you regularly get matches: because you're a charming and appealing dude. 

 

[Whirling D]

On 7/24/2023 at 5:46 AM, MrMan1983 said:

Right so I’ve heard back, said she had an awful hangover yesterday (why do so some women love mixing spirits so much!? She only had a few 😂). But she said ”YES we will definitely have to have another competition!!” then went on to talk about 300 a bit and said she hopes I have a great day. 

Shock, sounds like a second date ‘may’ still be on the cards then (will believe it once we’re on it though) but will suggest a fun date idea this evening (morning here currently) or tomorrow at some point for end of week.  Her text didn’t have any questions (which is fine by me) so no big rush to contact back just yet.

Just need to hear back from Whirling D now then all is complete in the world 😆

 

Well Then… I suppose I should reply…. 😂 

as you know, I can completely relate to what you are going through… So you might find that we are not quite as a different from each other as one might think… 😂🤣. I would be experiencing the exact same elation and anxiety. I’m sure no one will argue with that.
 

My thought on this comes from a couple of things.  First, I was watching a fantastic video recently, from an online psychologist that described early feelings as often being based almost entirely on fantasy. Often times, even as we get to know someone, we will try to reject things that we find out about this person that will potentially eclipse that fantasy, and will often reject those perceptions in favor of continuing the fantasy. I guess that’s not entirely new information for most of us, but it’s hard to grasp when it’s us that might be engaging in a bit of fantasy.

Here’s why I am even saying that. I had a very similar experience from what you are describing when I was 36, and the girl was 24. I was completely smitten with her and thought she was just the bees knees.

What I found out soon enough, when the fantasy bubble burst, is that girls that age are changing rapidly and the chance that a partnership with that kind of age gap, and that particular age gap, could succeed long-term faced all kinds of challenges… But at the foremost is the growth and likely evolution of the younger partner.

I think this will be a little bit slippery for you, man. I don’t think that every relationship like this will be prone to those kinds of difficulties, but I guess it comes down to what your objective is. If you are thinking long-term, that’s where I think it could get complicated.

This lady is going to go through all kinds of changes over the next 15 years, and who she will be even five years from now may not be anything like who she is now. I have no doubt you already know this. Whether that will be problematic, moving forward is really like trying to read the stars. Who knows where it could go. 

As for me, I couldn’t imagine the amount of changes that I went through from about her age through 40 years old. my tastes almost entirely changed. My preferences for almost everything entirely changed. 

Anyways… That’s my two cents worth. The conclusion to what I’m trying to say you can draw through inference… 😂🤣

Good luck, Mr. man…!  We are rooting for you!

[Sindy_0311]

Oh MrMan… please do not send those long texts to a girl you just met. We are both from 1983 (best year🤘🏻) just keep it simple in the beginning. Ask the ladies out… and keep your long, movies review for the dates… 

I’m dating a guy, we will go on our 5th date tomorrow night. He likes movies too and he suggested me to watch a series. I watched it but I’m keeping my insights for tomorrow night. I didn’t even tell him I watched it… as Batya always says: less is more… 

@Whirling D nice to “see” you here!! 

[Batya33]

From 25 to 40 what I was looking for in a man changed a little - I think I was a little less focused on looks in my 30s. But after teenage years I wasn’t so focused on “arm candy “. The main aspects changed not at all. My life goals changed dramatically at age 23 when I broke an engagement.  Particularly the timing.  
I absolutely grew in confidence and feeling competent and independent after age 25.  And I’m sure that affected how I handled relationships of all kinds. 

[MrMan1983]

15 hours ago, Whirling D said:

Well Then… I suppose I should reply…. 😂 

as you know, I can completely relate to what you are going through… So you might find that we are not quite as a different from each other as one might think… 😂🤣. I would be experiencing the exact same elation and anxiety. I’m sure no one will argue with that.
 

My thought on this comes from a couple of things.  First, I was watching a fantastic video recently, from an online psychologist that described early feelings as often being based almost entirely on fantasy. Often times, even as we get to know someone, we will try to reject things that we find out about this person that will potentially eclipse that fantasy, and will often reject those perceptions in favor of continuing the fantasy. I guess that’s not entirely new information for most of us, but it’s hard to grasp when it’s us that might be engaging in a bit of fantasy.

Here’s why I am even saying that. I had a very similar experience from what you are describing when I was 36, and the girl was 24. I was completely smitten with her and thought she was just the bees knees.

What I found out soon enough, when the fantasy bubble burst, is that girls that age are changing rapidly and the chance that a partnership with that kind of age gap, and that particular age gap, could succeed long-term faced all kinds of challenges… But at the foremost is the growth and likely evolution of the younger partner.

I think this will be a little bit slippery for you, man. I don’t think that every relationship like this will be prone to those kinds of difficulties, but I guess it comes down to what your objective is. If you are thinking long-term, that’s where I think it could get complicated.

This lady is going to go through all kinds of changes over the next 15 years, and who she will be even five years from now may not be anything like who she is now. I have no doubt you already know this. Whether that will be problematic, moving forward is really like trying to read the stars. Who knows where it could go. 

As for me, I couldn’t imagine the amount of changes that I went through from about her age through 40 years old. my tastes almost entirely changed. My preferences for almost everything entirely changed. 

Anyways… That’s my two cents worth. The conclusion to what I’m trying to say you can draw through inference… 😂🤣

Good luck, Mr. man…!  We are rooting for you!

Good to hear from you Whirling, hope your weekend went well with Dr Lady (you can fill us in on the other thread 😛). To be honest I hadn't thought past hoping on a second date by this point as I just like to take things as they come nowadays, plus even getting a second date with the ones I like is the sticking point it seems.

I still haven't heard back from my date suggestion and that was on Monday so it's safe to say it's dead in the water, usual anticlimax and spent energy hoping you'll get a reply at some point.

Not going to lie I'm a bit frazzled from all these recent dating disappointments - and my ever seemingly untrustable instincts.  Also got an increasing feeling of slight doom and negative thoughts creeping up in general, living alone and working from home can enhance it but that’s life a guess.

Got a free weekend for a change so will get back on the gym and running missions at least, usually counteracts it and puts me back into a positive frame.  

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, MrMan1983 said:

Good to hear from you Whirling, hope your weekend went well with Dr Lady (you can fill us in on the other thread 😛). To be honest I hadn't thought past hoping on a second date by this point as I just like to take things as they come nowadays, plus even getting a second date with the ones I like is the sticking point it seems.

I still haven't heard back from my date suggestion and that was on Monday so it's safe to say it's dead in the water, usual anticlimax and spent energy hoping you'll get a reply at some point.

Not going to lie I'm a bit frazzled from all these recent dating disappointments - and my ever seemingly untrustable instincts.  Also got an increasing feeling of slight doom and negative thoughts creeping up in general, living alone and working from home can enhance it but that’s life a guess.

Got a free weekend for a change so will get back on the gym and running missions at least, usually counteracts it and puts me back into a positive frame.  

I hope you feel better and I'm sorry about the radio silence -after she encouraged you you'd think she'd be polite enough to respond with a no, etc.

[MrMan1983]

7 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I hope you feel better and I'm sorry about the radio silence -after she encouraged you you'd think she'd be polite enough to respond with a no, etc.

You would hope, but here we are yet again. At least the Brazilian one was direct after, which I appreciated even if the date was confusing.

Anyway, something I hadn't even considered before is speed dating. Looks like they do one in a local city which is 18  4 minute dates in one evening, might have to try that after a few weeks off when I'm feeling a bit more up for it.

[Batya33]

3 minutes ago, MrMan1983 said:

You would hope, but here we are yet again. At least the Brazilian one was direct after, which I appreciated even if the date was confusing.

Anyway, something I hadn't even considered before is speed dating. Looks like they do one in a local city which is 18  4 minute dates in one evening, might have to try that after a few weeks off when I'm feeling a bit more up for it.

Yes-I'd have been really good at it but it was one of the things I never did.  Friends did though! 

It's funny -I have a "first meet" Saturday afternoon for coffee -she wants to meet me as our sons will be classmates at their new school next month.

  I really have no idea why she wants to meet in person now or without our sons but she seems really nice and we have mutual friends.  So I just said yes and didn't ask.

My point is -three weeks ago she messaged me to ask about this weekend.  Offered to drive into the city where I live (45 minutes but she comes to the city often) -I offered to make it easier but she insisted.  I said sure but decided not to follow up again because maybe she decided the drive was too long/changed her mind/husband would be around and changed his plans. 

On Monday -she followed up -asked about a specific day and time - asked if I was still up for it - confirmed she'd drive here.  I was VERY impressed.  She easily could flake -she knows tons of people, she's very social, we have parent orientation in a couple of weeks. 

These days - following up for a first meet days earlier - confirming all etc -it gives me this sense of comfort that unless there's a crisis -she will be there -I won't do my hair that morning for nothing, I won't organize my day/coordinate with my husband for nothing - and it makes me feel even more positive about meeting her.

I'm tired of people calling my attitude rigid or inflexible (I'm sure I tend that way at times LOL) -I think with first or second impressions paying attention to these "details" really makes people feel more comfortable, really ups the chances that you'll get along/start a friendship.  It may have nothing to do with actual stuff in common but now I know she's a person who respects my time even though I'm basically a stranger and can stay a friendly acquaintance since it's our sons going to high school not us. 

It does mean a lot to me and I get that others wouldn't care as much or perhaps if there are no shows they can "pivot" to something else asap.  I can't.  Not easily.  

[Kwothe28]

2 hours ago, MrMan1983 said:

I still haven't heard back from my date suggestion and that was on Monday so it's safe to say it's dead in the water, usual anticlimax and spent energy hoping you'll get a reply at some point.

 

Sorry to hear that. I got one responding after 48 hours but she was a special case lol

Assume they are not interested when they need that much to respond. I read somewhere that avoidant attachment style people also tend to just not convey interest and just not respond in due time. Even if they are interested. But even if that is the case, you dodged a bullet there.

Anyway, just continue dating. I didnt heard for too much succesfull speed dating stories. But might be worth a try, at least its "in person" dating.

[MrMan1983]

20 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

Sorry to hear that. I got one responding after 48 hours but she was a special case lol

Assume they are not interested when they need that much to respond. I read somewhere that avoidant attachment style people also tend to just not convey interest and just not respond in due time. Even if they are interested. But even if that is the case, you dodged a bullet there.

Anyway, just continue dating. I didnt heard for too much succesfull speed dating stories. But might be worth a try, at least its "in person" dating.

Yeh, goodness knows. Probably said what she felt I wanted to hear with the first reply then I followed up fairly soon after to set actual plans so I bet she's like 'damn, I don't know what to say now, sod it easier to not reply'.

Yeh the speed dating thing is certainly a long shot given the lack of people I tend to swipe yes on with dating apps so it's unlikely to be a high success rate however I think as you mentioned at least it's in person and doesn't hurt to practice my social skills even if I don't meet anyone I like.

[Sindy_0311]

7 minutes ago, MrMan1983 said:

Yeh, goodness knows. Probably said what she felt I wanted to hear with the first reply then I followed up fairly soon after to set actual plans so I bet she's like 'damn, I don't know what to say now, sod it easier to not reply'.

Yeh the speed dating thing is a massive long shot given the lack of people I actually swipe yes on with dating apps so it's unlikely to be a high success rate however I think as you mentioned at least it's in person and doesn't hurt to practice my social skills at least.

In this case, I suggest you text her and tell that you are a grown up and can handle and appreciate people being direct. tell her that you would appreciate see her again but if she doesn't feel like to, she can let you know, no biggie... 

I used to "ghost" after a first dates, not only because I didn't appreciate them but because I wasn't willing too see them immediately again or because I had another date in mind... guys would sometimes reach out again (even multiple times)and ask for honesty. I replied, telling I was not interested and it was always well understood, no drama. These guys are the reason why from now on I always reply to decline when I'm not interested.. people should be taught that... its being polite and educated... just the essence of respect towards others. 

[MrMan1983]

17 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

I used to "ghost" after a first dates, not only because I didn't appreciate them but because I wasn't willing too see them immediately again or because I had another date in mind... guys would sometimes reach out again (even multiple times)and ask for honesty. I replied, telling I was not interested and it was always well understood, no drama. These guys are the reason why from now on I always reply to decline when I'm not interested.. people should be taught that... its being polite and educated... just the essence of respect towards others.

Appreciate your honesty there Sindy, and good to get a perspective from an ex Ghoster 😛 Nice one for changing your approach as most mature men (that seem stable enough on the date) can take it and do appreciate the honesty instead of waiting around for days to realise 'yep, not going to hear back am I 😐 '. It's also interesting to know that guys did reach out that way after because I have been tempted in the past to just say something along the lines of I'm an adult, I can take it but let me know (but in different words). 

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, MrMan1983 said:

Got a free weekend for a change so will get back on the gym and running missions at least, usually counteracts it and puts me back into a positive frame.  

That's a good way to recharge and regroup. Try to look at the positive. You Are getting dates.

Is one and done part of it, sure. Probably more often than not. Is ghosting and flaking way too common, unfortunately yes.

So try not to see these as personal setbacks. My only suggestion is simpler low alcohol first meets and suggesting a second date on follow up.

Keep in mind you can't hit a home run if you don't get up at bat and go for it. 

[MrMan1983]

16 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

That's a good way to recharge and regroup. Try to look at the positive. You Are getting dates.

Is one and done part of it, sure. Probably more often than not. Is ghosting and flaking way too common, unfortunately yes.

So try not to see these as personal setbacks. My only suggestion is simpler low alcohol first meets and suggesting a second date on follow up.

Keep in mind you can't hit a home run if you don't get up at bat and go for it. 

Always good level headed advice Wiseman, appreciated.

[Sindy_0311]

You said she is good looking, that she must probably have hundreds of man wanting to date her. But she is still single, so I presume she didn't find her mister right yet... beautiful women have plenty of options, I agree, but they aren't always good options... they have to navigate between men only interested by them physically, the ones who want casual, the attractive ones who are multi dating, the attractive but boring ones, and so on...  Also there are men who wouldn't approach them because they are too attractive. (often thy would look/stare at her but most of them don't have the balls to actually approach her)

I might be wrong, but maybe, she is expecting a little bit more persistence... I used to date a guy. He was interesting but I wasn't sure about his intentions (casual or serious). I met him once, but I wasn't really feeling him and had other prospects at that time. but he insisted for a second date, reaching out every 3/4 days. finally I accepted to see him again 4 weeks after and we had a great time but still wasn't feeling it for other reasons (because he seemed to go through a difficult time).. after that  he insisted to see me again and again until I told him that I leave it to there.

A guy I'm currently dating, I didn't really like him on our first date. Physically he was my type but with overweight, and his stare was strange, he has this severe look sometimes but then I understood that it's just how his face looks when its relaxed. LOL.

It's only on our 4th date that I started to view him as real potential and started to like him and feel comfortable around him. Would he not have been consistant and showing much interest, consistency, I would never have gone on a these dates... maybe you should upgrade your game and pursue a bit harder... In your case I would just leave her alone for a week. and maybe reach out next Thursday asking her how she is doing and whether she is willing to see you for a little drink during the weekend when she is available, and if not, let you know, blah blah etc... 

Another question, why are you dating a 25 years old girl? Is it because you want kids? Do you realize that 15 years is a huge age gap at theses ages? I have nothing again 40/55 or 30/45, but I remember at 25, I was more interested by parties and new romances rather than building a family. I had a one years lasting relationship with a 40 years old guy when I was 26 or so, I remember I would always feel like a little child compared to his mature friends and wasn't capable of giving him the intellectual conversatins he wanted, I always felt like "less". Relationship ended because he cheated on me with his 40years old spiritual ex girlfriend. See, I always considered myself as someone intelligent, intellectual, and interesting, but even so, the age gap was to much to handle, intellectually speaking... 

Hey, I just wrote a Whirling D post 💪

[MrMan1983]

45 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

You said she is good looking, that she must probably have hundreds of man wanting to date her. But she is still single, so I presume she didn't find her mister right yet... beautiful women have plenty of options, I agree, but they aren't always good options... they have to navigate between men only interested by them physically, the ones who want casual, the attractive ones who are multi dating, the attractive but boring ones, and so on...  Also there are men who wouldn't approach them because they are too attractive. (often thy would look/stare at her but most of them don't have the balls to actually approach her)

I might be wrong, but maybe, she is expecting a little bit more persistence... I used to date a guy. He was interesting but I wasn't sure about his intentions (casual or serious). I met him once, but I wasn't really feeling him and had other prospects at that time. but he insisted for a second date, reaching out every 3/4 days. finally I accepted to see him again 4 weeks after and we had a great time but still wasn't feeling it for other reasons (because he seemed to go through a difficult time).. after that  he insisted to see me again and again until I told him that I leave it to there.

A guy I'm currently dating, I didn't really like him on our first date. Physically he was my type but with overweight, and his stare was strange, he has this severe look sometimes but then I understood that it's just how his face looks when its relaxed. LOL.

It's only on our 4th date that I started to view him as real potential and started to like him and feel comfortable around him. Would he not have been consistant and showing much interest, consistency, I would never have gone on a these dates... maybe you should upgrade your game and pursue a bit harder... In your case I would just leave her alone for a week. and maybe reach out next Thursday asking her how she is doing and whether she is willing to see you for a little drink during the weekend when she is available, and if not, let you know, blah blah etc... 

Another question, why are you dating a 25 years old girl? Is it because you want kids? Do you realize that 15 years is a huge age gap at theses ages? I have nothing again 40/55 or 30/45, but I remember at 25, I was more interested by parties and new romances rather than building a family. I had a one years lasting relationship with a 40 years old guy when I was 26 or so, I remember I would always feel like a little child compared to his mature friends and wasn't capable of giving him the intellectual conversatins he wanted, I always felt like "less". Relationship ended because he cheated on me with his 40years old spiritual ex girlfriend. See, I always considered myself as someone intelligent, intellectual, and interesting, but even so, the age gap was to much to handle, intellectually speaking... 

Hey, I just wrote a Whirling D post 💪

I'll be honest from years of dating and learning the hard way I've found being more persistent has worked like reverse catnip in 95% of cases and actually turned them off in most cases 😂 But there’s definitely a balance. It's the ones I've not been as invested in that have then ended up far more interested in me I’ve noticed. I understand that everyone is different though and there may be outliers that appreciate persistance.  I was pretty direct coming up with a date idea, a place and asking if she's up for it this week though so it's probably more likely she's not interested for whatever reason as I made it pretty obvious I'm interested. I would entertain leaving it a week though and perhaps trying to touch base just once more if I still feel like it at the time, but would never ‘chase’ nowadays it’s a surefire way to lose respect in a lot of cases.

Age difference wise I wasn't thinking that deeply tbh, I went in with an open mind of hopefully having a good evening and if she's good company then even better. As for kids or future, didn't even cross my mind when even second dates are rare nowadays. Conversations wise we were non stop, tons in common with interests, god knows how but it was a pleasant surprise. I may be 40 but I'm young at heart, full of hobbies, probably do more 'young person' activities at my current age than I did when I was 20/30s. Some guy that got chatting to us thought I was 20's which I LOVED too haha.

[MrMan1983]

47 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

Hey, I just wrote a Whirling D post 💪

Ps. I think @Whirling D is teasing us by not replying on his thread, leaving us hanging like that 😉

[Sindy_0311]

Just now, MrMan1983 said:

Ps. I think @Whirling D is teasing us by not replying on his thread, leaving us hanging like that 😉

That's why I decided to mention him each time I post from now on... he might come back if we chase a bit... 😝 

[Whirling D]

7 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

That's why I decided to mention him each time I post from now on... he might come back if we chase a bit... 😝 

Good luck with that… 😂🤣

[Sindy_0311]

23 minutes ago, MrMan1983 said:

 As for kids or future, didn't even cross my mind when even second dates are rare nowadays. 

What are your intentions through dating? Are you pursuing a serious relationship or casual flings? Because depending on what you want, you should approach the right persons, I mean by that, I wouldn't date a 25 years old guy if I want something serious but no kids...

Last year I have been dating and having casual relationships with many young guys, 25, 23, 30. Some of these guys tried to approach me this year, even one wanting a serious relationship with me but I told him age gap is a problem for me as I know that someday he is going to be willing to have his own family. From now on, my age spectrum is 36 to 50... And even so, I know that I would probably be open for more kids if I find my mister right and if its something he deeply desires... I always dreamed about having a kid with a man I profoundly loved... which wasn't my ex husband. 

[Sindy_0311]

1 minute ago, Whirling D said:

Good luck with that… 😂🤣

oh.. look at this... here you are... just hiding... 🤣

Please give us some update about Dr Lady, we miss both of you... 🙏