Is there hope for me and my ex? What do I do?

[LucyH122]

So my ex (m21) and I (f21) were great friends before our relationship. He was in love with me when we were friends and waited for a whole year until I was out of my relationship. 

We were dating for a year and a half (we broke up 2 months ago). We had a deep intense relationship and were each other first loves. Unfortunately, our relationship crumbled due to some unresolved trauma on my end (my mum died when i was younger, my dad was very abusive and I had a lot of abandonment issues) he was so great and would always try to help me through my mental health episodes but then it began to affect how I acted within the relationship (i was very insecure and would sometimes self-sabotage etc). 

He broke up with me due to him feeling like he had really lost himself in the relationship by giving me so much during the friendship and relationship. He felt like he was burnt out. However we met up a few weeks after, and he explained that he is still very in love with me, and he thinks about me constantly. This breakup isn't to see if the "grass is greener", he's having this time to focus completely on him. He said that he can't even watch p*rn, and is w**king over my nudes because he is still very in love and only has eyes for me still. There was a lot of chemistry in that chat, but we both knew that we need this time (me especially to work on ourselves). 

We haven't spoken in 5 weeks now, I took a solo trip to LA and have grown so much. I'm becoming the person i know i want to be, I'm healing my trauma, and learning to love myself completely. However he's always on my mind, i miss him like crazy. I have no idea how he feels but a massive part of me is wishing to get back together in the future. 

The thing is, we moved to uni together while we were together. It's summer vaccination right now. But next year is year 2 and he's moving in with half my friendship group. He is also moving a street away from me at uni. I know i'm going to have to see him, nights out with him, evenings with him and everyone. I feel so anxious about the potential of him not wanting to get back together, or even worse, seeing him move on. I don't know how i should play this? I want him back, i'm becoming the best version of myself, but that's not to say he will want or be ready to rekindle. 

Please could someone advise me? What do you think my chances are? Shall i reach out to him before uni starts so we can meet up before, or let him come to me ( i don't want to chase). How should i play it next year to get him back? I don't want to seem desperate for him. Thanks.

[lostandhurt]

Since you share friends and IF you have really improved yourself it will get back to him.  These types of improvements take time and help and it sounds like you have taken neither. You need to know why you acted out, how to cope with the trauma you experienced and healthy ways of dealing with it when it pops up from time to time.

  Does Uni provide counselors?  If so get in to see one to discuss the things in your past that are haunting you.  I am sure they will be of some help getting you to a good place..

 What should you do about him?  I would  say nothing right now as you need to focus on you and your mental health.  Getting back together may slow or stall your healing.

 In time you will bump into him and you will know right then if there is a chance or not.

Take this time for you so when that chance meeting does come you will be in a great place and he will see it.

 Lost

[SooSad33]

1 hour ago, LucyH122 said:

He broke up with me due to him feeling like he had really lost himself in the relationship by giving me so much during the friendship and relationship. He felt like he was burnt out.

Then you leave him be.  It's really no good when someone gets emotionally drained 😕 .

 

1 hour ago, LucyH122 said:

We haven't spoken in 5 weeks now, I took a solo trip to LA and have grown so much. I'm becoming the person i know i want to be, I'm healing my trauma, and learning to love myself completely

Sorry, but 5 weeks away doesn't 'make you better'. 😕 .

Sounds like you're deeply affected from your life experiences and it's affecting your relationships.  I say you need some prof help and take time in that, not getting involved.

I suggest you remain at a distance and do not expect much from him.  he asked for space, then you let him have it. ( respect).

1 hour ago, LucyH122 said:

waited for a whole year until I was out of my relationship. 

Out of your relationship?  You were in a previous one, right before him?  So, you're jumping from one to another?

 

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, LucyH122 said:

  next year is year 2 and he's moving in with half my friendship group. He is also moving a street away from me at uni. I know i'm going to have to see him, nights out with him, evenings with him and everyone

It seems like you parted on good terms. Since you'll be near each other on campus again, let him reach out. In the meantime, continue to focus on your academic and future success. 

Make sure you have a well rounded university life. Join some groups and clubs, take extra classes and courses, get involved in sports and fitness. Start making friends with people who will be in your classes and university housing.

Either way, when you see him, you'll be better off, whether you decide to start dating each other again or not.

[LucyH122]

I have been going to therapy, working out, meditating, journaling, and self-therapy for hours each day. I have already seen massive changes in certain areas of my mental health.

I should also add, he told me it's definitely not a no for the future however he can't say yes 100% because he has no idea how long it will take for him to feel complete within himself. 

[shouldhavelearned]

Stay strong

Keep doing what you're doing

Part of college years and happens to people often

 

That's why some choose not to get so serious early on

[smackie9]

The thing to do is live your best life ever. Show him you have a super life, full of happiness, popular, busy, show confidence, look healthy and fit, etc. That will draw him to you or you will realize you don't need him anymore that there are plenty of other opportunities. 

[Batya33]

On 7/9/2023 at 4:54 PM, LucyH122 said:

I have been going to therapy, working out, meditating, journaling, and self-therapy for hours each day. I have already seen massive changes in certain areas of my mental health.

I should also add, he told me it's definitely not a no for the future however he can't say yes 100% because he has no idea how long it will take for him to feel complete within himself. 

Relationships are hard enough ecen when both people feel and act YES. Assume “definitely not a no for the future “ with the vague “complete within himself “ means no - so that you can move on.  
My husband and I got back together almost 8 years after canceling our wedding and when we got back together it was a definite YES.  Don’t settle for less than a definite yes.