Weird Spot But A Good Spot

[Krombopulos]

Hey gang, some of you may recognize me from some of my previous posts. You may be surprised to hear, I'm doing quite well, for the most part! I've landed a great job working in IT, my family is doing okay and I'm in the best shape of my life and I've gotten conversational in Spanish! I've come such a long way. 

That's the good! The bad is that my romantic life is as dead as it's ever been and I feel like there is nothing I can do about it. My Tinder pool is all dried up, so is Bumble, with no viable matches. I know a big reason for it is that I live in a rural area. For my new job training, I spent two weeks up in the big city and I ended up with five quality matches, but after they found out how far away I lived they lost interest. In addition to living in small town I also have a severe cat allergy, I refuse to date someone with more than one kid and I'm not a very outgoing person... At all. Not to mention, I'm not really the leader type most women would want.

I haven't been to the strip club in over a year now but EVERY night I have to fight the temptation to go. And as weird as it is to say, the strip club is the only place I feel like I really belong. As long as I A.) Give them money, B.) Don't try to violate them and C.) Don't stink, I know I'm going to be accepted there. Those strippers are the only people I feel like I can be myself around everyone else I'm around I always have to put on a mask and "be" something.

All that being said it's not like I'm deeply depressed or that I'm bitter about all this, it just sucks I know I'm missing out and I feel like an outsider at work where everyone else is married or has kids or both. And here's my Kevin Durant head-ass with no wife/girlfriend, no pets and no kids lol and I'm just not sure what to do about it. This job is wayyyyy too good to me for me to consider moving. I've been through the ringer of ***ty employers, I ain't trying to go back.

[shouldhavelearned]

Stay strong and keep positive

 

Never know when that door will open

[Batya33]

You're not accepted at a strip club.  Your money is accepted. Do you think you could be "yourself" and say "hey - I know you all love hanging with me and think I'm fun to be around but -sorry - no cash tonight and I can't afford to tip you - maybe next time, k?"

Congrats on the job! I'm sure it's not "everyone else" who is in a healthy marriage.  Why the "one kid" boundary- what if it's one kid who's like having multiple kids (my one kid can be like that at times, sigh).

I think you'll feel less temptation to go to the strip club if you get out of your comfort zone and go to other environments to interact socially with adults where there's little to no emphasis on alcohol.  For example my local art museum one Friday a month has a gathering for adults -many singles but not all -to listen to live music like jazz, see some art, have a drink.  

I did two social activities out of my comfort zone this week and then felt comfortable declining a third.  I am an extrovert but these particular activities were on the stressful side and one was extremely inconvenient too.  I'm glad I chose to go.  And then I felt better about declining the third.

Can you ask your married colleagues if they know any suitable single ladies?

I'm sorry you're having a dry spell!

[Krombopulos]

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

You're not accepted at a strip club.  Your money is accepted. Do you think you could be "yourself" and say "hey - I know you all love hanging with me and think I'm fun to be around but -sorry - no cash tonight and I can't afford to tip you - maybe next time, k?"

I know they just want me for my money but that's the thing. I *know* that by paying them, genuine or not, I know I can be authentic and I'm going to be made to feel validated and cared about it and it just really puts me at ease. I don't plan on going back to the club anytime soon but staying out is a constant battle lol.

Well when I say everyone I mean four people. Despite it being a big company I work on a small team with four other people, all married. Even in my old job it seemed like the vast majority of my co-workers were married. I'm against dating someone with more than one kid because with each additional kid there's more expenses. Additionally it turns the situation into a 2 v 1 to a 2 v 2 so it just makes it harder to divvy up responsibilities 

I'm not a very big drinker, at the club I'll have one glass of wine or just a water. Getting out of my comfort zone is something my friends have always been encouraging me to do and not something I do often. What made you feel happy about forcing yourself to those event if you don't mind me asking?

Nah, asking co-workers doesn't work. Since I'm new I'd feel awkward asking and then I'm also risking alienating myself from a co-worker if the relationship goes awry. 

[Batya33]

19 minutes ago, Krombopulos said:

What made you feel happy about forcing yourself to those event if you don't mind me asking?

I very often feel happy when I go out of my comfort zone and prove to myself I can do it. I do this with travel -especially international travel - and almost every single time I benefit in some way.  Two weeks ago I did my first in person volunteering event for my local public radio station since pre-covid - I was a little hesitant but it was so awesome to work hard, meet new people I'd never meet otherwise, be out of my element.

I push myself daily - not always to a large extent -to maintain good physical and mental health -I'm used to challenging myself and with rare exception it feels awesome.  

You're lying to yourself.  No one is validating you.  They don't give a crap about you -it's your money they want.  The end.  It's so unhealthy to lie to yourself.

If you're afraid of the expenses of kids -please know that one kid can be extremely expensive if there are special needs, heaven forbid an illness, an accident, a need for private school.  Also expensive -people with aging siblings/relatives/parents or if they have special needs -very often people pay $$$$ to care for them.  You can have a prenup of course or figure out in advance who would pay for what.  

Or date someone with no kids and who has no plans to give financial support to any family member.  Often someone has a trust fund or specific assets set aside for that so it wouldn't affect you.

Ask your married friends if they know anyone.

[SooSad33]

I will assume you frequent the clubs because online porn just isn't enough?  So, some real-life interaction?

Great on your job! So, that's a bonus 🙂 .

As for relationships - we just never know.  I haven't been involved in about 4 years and am okay with that.  I continue my life doing my own things and do what I want! 😉 .  I am not lonely and all okay.

The thing is, we never know!  you may come to meet up with a decent neighbour or someone who gives you a second glance at a coffee shop or grocery store.  That may be a sign, you've gotten someone's attention and you weren't even trying! lol

So, carry on as you are.  Stop 'trying' and just let it happen.  As long as you feel okay with yourself , smile , it's contagious 🙂 .

[Krombopulos]

5 hours ago, SooSad33 said:

I will assume you frequent the clubs because online porn just isn't enough?  So, some real-life interaction?

 

 

Nah, I do watch porn frequently I'm ashamed to admit. But viewing porn and going to the club are isolated from each other. Porn I just watched for the pleasure and it's purely carnal. Where as I go to the club for companionship, validation and platonic touch (of which the benefits have been scientifically proven), I'm not really going to the club to get my rocks off. 

I think everything else you said is spot on 🙂 I was just thinking last night that unlike getting into shape that took months of training or getting my certifications that took hours upon hours of studying, meeting someone could happen pretty much any day, it could even be next week I could end up having a chance encounter! Thanks for the encouragement. 

[LootieTootie]

Have you thought about getting a dog? You can have a hiking partner, camping partner, and someone who gives you a heroes welcome everyday you come home? You also can take your dog to the dog park and who knows, meet a single lady there? I know 2 gals who met their boyfriends at the dog park so it does happen.

[Batya33]

11 hours ago, Krombopulos said:

validation and platonic touch (of which the benefits have been scientifically proven)

Then go to a licensed massage therapist who doesn't give "happy endings" of course.

Yes chance encounters happen - two of my friends met their husbands in this way -one finally listened to her mama who said "stop looking down when you walk! you're getting so many glances from men!" -so she looked up, a nice man noticed her from across a street and I believe she crossed the street to meet her future husband.  My other friend met her husband in her building's laundry room on a rainy valentines day evening.   But if your goal is a serious relationship and you're not in college anymore surrounded by singles - I think being proactive very often has to be part of it.

I have never owned a dog and yes people meet through their fur babies for sure!  For example.  I met people two weeks ago I'd never have met by volunteering at a music festival in honor of a local public radio station.  I was there for 2 hours and 15 minutes.

I have advanced degrees, licenses, certifications and did extremely challenging academic programs.  Being the right person to find the right person doesn't require a license or exam AND it requires a lot more work/effort for most people (with exception) than "fate" and a "chance encounter."  Just saying.

[Wiseman2]

12 hours ago, Krombopulos said:

 just thinking last night that unlike getting into shape that took months of training or getting my certifications that took hours upon hours of studying, meeting someone could happen pretty much any day, 

It seems like you're in a good mindset to meet women and are pretty open minded about deal breakers if it's just catfree women with less than one child. The only challenges seem to be living in a small town/rural area and a predilection for sort of sleazy women.

Join some groups and clubs, volunteer, get involved in sports and fitness, take some classes and courses and broaden your social horizons as much as possible.

You could also get a good profile and pics on quality dating apps and start talking to and meeting women.

[Krombopulos]

Still stuck in this spot and finally starting to turn negative about it. Just spent this three day holiday weekend completely alone save for a date I went on Saturday that just made me feel even more alone. I genuinely don't understand how this has happened to me. I'm hard working, have a great career, in good shape, yet I'm completely destitute social as if I'm a dreg of society and I have no clue what I'm supposed to even do about it. My dating app pools are dry with no pertinent matches to speak of. And yeah, not having a romantic life is a real bummer and all but I don't even have FRIENDS to speak of. 

It's to the point where my study sessions haven't even been effective the last couple days because I'm so restless with zero social interaction! 

[Cherylyn]

Strip clubs are a business.  It has nothing to do with acceptance.  If you have money to give,  this is all that matters because to a stripper or anyone working,  you're merely "bread 'n butter" to them and not an ounce more.  🙄

Even though you live in a rural area,  perhaps you can meet people through MeetUps,  sports,  church if you are faith based,  that is,  clubs or organizations.  Volunteering in the community might be a start.  Don't be a shut in. 

Or, you can focus on continuing self improvement and wait until you move to a more populated area for your career.  Hope it works out for you!  🙂