Weekends without my children are awful

[RJB]

Hello. Firstly, I apologize if I've posted this in the wrong forum!

I'm a divorced (2 years ago), single 31 year old guy, with two beautiful daughters (aged 4 and 7). 

After taking my ex wife through court etc to get a better routine with the children (she stopped me seeing them, for absolutely no reason other than to spite me) I have them three weekends in four and every Wednesday night. This is the weekend where I don't have them.

They have gone away for a long weekend with their mum and her partner (who she met and moved in with, within 2 months of leaving me). 

I hate these weekends alone though, as they bring out my low, depressed and immensely unhappy moods! I don't have a massive number of friends (only 3 or 4 that I see) but they all have their own lives to live so seeing any of them is a rare occurrence. I woke up this morning knowing that I won't speak to another person until I get back to work on Monday morning. I've tried meeting people on dating sites etc and never get a match and I'm just feeling more and more lonely as the days, weeks and months go on. I love my children so much and would not be here if it wasn't for them, but I feel like I need my own life at the same time, I'd love to have someone in my life to spend time with and to talk too, but I can never seem to find that person! I hate these lonely feelings and just wondered what other people do when they are all alone and literally have nobody to see or talk too?!

[Seraphim]

I am so very sorry. You sound like my brother who misses his children so much as well and who has a spiteful ex wife. My brother’s children are much older now but he still misses two of them so much and he has had one who lives with him. I sincerely hope you get to see them more often you deserve equal time . 

[RJB]

13 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

I am so very sorry. You sound like my brother who misses his children so much as well and who has a spiteful ex wife. My brother’s children are much older now but he still misses two of them so much and he has had one who lives with him. I sincerely hope you get to see them more often you deserve equal time . 

To be fair, I do get a good amount of time with them (most weekends and one other night a week) but it's just the times that I don't have them, such as this weekend, I don't have any other kind of social life it seems. I'd love to meet someone and be able to have that company and find love, but I've been alone for 3 years and can't ever see that changing! Being alone for an entire weekend with my thoughts and not a single person to see or speak too is such a horrible feeling!

[Seraphim]

Just now, RJB said:

To be fair, I do get a good amount of time with them (most weekends and one other night a week) but it's just the times that I don't have them, such as this weekend, I don't have any other kind of social life it seems. I'd love to meet someone and be able to have that company and find love, but I've been alone for 3 years and can't ever see that changing! Being alone for an entire weekend with my thoughts and not a single person to see or speak too is such a horrible feeling!

I am so very sorry about that . 

[Lambert]

Hi @RJB

I'm sorry.  This is tough.  Have you thought about volunteering on the weekends you are free? 

Helping someone else is a way to help ourselves and open our world to new people we might not meet otherwise. 

There's also religious communities or if you have any interest in taking a class, check out libraries, museums and community centers.

I don't have any kids and I'm single.  And like you, I have a few close friends but they either live out of state or have their own life in the weekend. So I only see the local ones a few times a month and the others less frequently if ever. 

So I understand. It's hard to not get in a rut of loneliness. I cultivate my own interests. I like to read and practice yoga (that's another thing, go work out! ). I come up with little projects or activities for myself etc and in general just try to enjoy my life even if I'm on my own. 

I've tried meeting other singles and dating but I haven't really clicked with anyone (new friends or dates). It seems rather out of my control right now.  So I decided when it's time, I will or I won't.  whatever.  This is still my life and I have a choice, surrender and feel bad or look for the good and feel good. 

The other thing is- get a pet.  I got a kitten two years ago.  A rescue from a local shelter.  He is the best.  Keeps me company and depends on me. It's been a good thing for me and him! 😀 

[Kwothe28]

I dunno, I am easily entertained on my own. Heck, as older I become, I prefer it. I like to socialize and often go out of my way to do it, but like some "me time" as well. Enjoy TV shows and movies, video games(when I have time) and when it was pandemic time I generally didnt panic for lockdowns. Even picked up a new skill and learned to make origami.

But not everybody is the same. Perhaps you need company not to be alone and thats OK. But you should work on "me time" as well. For example lots of parents would see a weekend without their kids as "the lucky break". So you could use that time to do something on your own that you enjoy. Perhaps if you are more "outdorsy" person you could have used that time to go somewhere in nature. Or maybe on a weekend away. Or maybe go somewhere to volunteer and meet somebody there. Or just working on some projects around home. Possibilities are endless and its up to you how you are managing your time alone.

[SooSad33]

12 hours ago, RJB said:

I've tried meeting people on dating sites etc and never get a match and I'm just feeling more and more lonely as the days, weeks and months go on. I love my children so much and would not be here if it wasn't for them, but I feel like I need my own life at the same time, I'd love to have someone in my life to spend time with and to talk too, but I can never seem to find that person! I hate these lonely feelings and just wondered what other people do when they are all alone and literally have nobody to see or talk too?!

Yeah, I'm not sure IF getting back into dating is right for you - at least for now?

I still sense some resentment re: your ex.

As mentioned above, heck, I enjoyed 'me time', when kids were away - but in your case, you see them most weekends, so I get it 😉 .

So, now.. what to do?  Well, do you go for walks, work out, do a craft or hobby?  Maybe consider it.

Over the last cpl years, I became a big you tube junkie, lol.  I first went there for music.  then I learned about live streamers!  So now I watch stuff 'live' on stuff like plane spotting - all over the world, to watching hummingbirds, kittens and my new one, chipmunks n squirrels 🙂 . Oh, and later in the evening I watch some guys follow police scanners in their cities, so we go along with them.  So much variety, basically ( but that's me) 😉 .

I also bake for local youth shelter and learned to crochet on YT.  So, I do have plenty of interests.  So, believe me, there's tons of options, other than watching tv or gaming all day, kinda thing.

BUT, I also need to emphasize to focus on your own self.  I feel you have some sort of 'need', but with that also requires some 'self love'.  Eg, to work some more on 'accepting' what is, in regards to your situation in your life.  You need to feel 'okay' with yourself and your situation.  Yes, you had a relationship, which fell apart and now, this is how it is.  So, if it's still affecting you in a negative, do you feel you can do with some more time working through your emotions?  if yes, don't go running into another relationship, because I'm sure, in time the next person will pick up on this and pull away.  So, tread carefully here.

Be kind to yourself.  Look at all the different options out there.  Keep working on getting yourself back to 'Good'!  🙂 .

PS, I've been on my own for about 4-5 yrs now and I'm totally okay with that.  I don't have the 'ability' or energy to be involved again.  As it does take your energy and you do risk getting hurt, again. So, see, no need to rush if you're not quite there yet.  You can be alone, and not lonely.

 

[Cherylyn]

I'm sorry for what you're going through.  In between being with your children,  try getting healthy with your lifestyle to help perk up your mood and get yourself out of your depressive thoughts.  How about exercising and eating healthy?  You could very well feel better and have a positive outlook on life not to mention make yourself more attractive.   I'm not referring to physically which of course is a benefit but I was referring to your mind and boosting your self confidence. 

I agree with others regarding volunteerism,  becoming a member of your local church if you're faith based,  joining groups,  clubs,  organizations,  MeetUps in your community,  enroll in a class,  take up a hobby and your options are limitless. 

Get busy and become industrious.  Whenever you have too much time to ruminate,  you have more time for pit pots. 

 

[catfeeder]

I would think of this as time to prep my life as a model for my daughters. So I'd explore all potential interests, such as classes, clubs, hobbies, community service, volunteer work until I found one or two things that I can become passionate about.

Over the course of pursuing that avenue, it would be likely that I'd develop friendships through our shared interests.

Over time my daughters would come to view me as a model of healthy adult social behavior rather than a sad Dad who has never invested in himself or his neighbors. Use the Internet to research your local area, and start putting your free time to good use. You'll thank yourself sooner rather than later.

 

[Wiseman2]

19 hours ago, RJB said:

 I have them three weekends in four and every Wednesday night. 

Unfortunately it's a catch-22 in the sense that this arrangement makes it difficult for you to date or have a social life on weekends that has any sort of regularity.  Is there any way you can revise this so that weekends/ week days are more balanced?

 

[goddess]

On 7/1/2023 at 7:52 AM, Lambert said:

Hi @RJB

I'm sorry.  This is tough.  Have you thought about volunteering on the weekends you are free? 

Helping someone else is a way to help ourselves and open our world to new people we might not meet otherwise. 

There's also religious communities or if you have any interest in taking a class, check out libraries, museums and community centers.

I don't have any kids and I'm single.  And like you, I have a few close friends but they either live out of state or have their own life in the weekend. So I only see the local ones a few times a month and the others less frequently if ever. 

So I understand. It's hard to not get in a rut of loneliness. I cultivate my own interests. I like to read and practice yoga (that's another thing, go work out! ). I come up with little projects or activities for myself etc and in general just try to enjoy my life even if I'm on my own. 

I've tried meeting other singles and dating but I haven't really clicked with anyone (new friends or dates). It seems rather out of my control right now.  So I decided when it's time, I will or I won't.  whatever.  This is still my life and I have a choice, surrender and feel bad or look for the good and feel good. 

The other thing is- get a pet.  I got a kitten two years ago.  A rescue from a local shelter.  He is the best.  Keeps me company and depends on me. It's been a good thing for me and him! 😀 

Love the idea of getting a pet!  YES!

[Cherylyn]

Before acquiring a pet,  I recommend foster caring a pet.  There are many rescues who need foster "parents" for their animals while these animals are waiting for adoptions interim.  Find out if pet ownership is for you because millions of pets end up at the animal shelter and sadly,  euthanized because some people encounter problems with animals or there aren't enough people to adopt them permanently. 

Some people feel overwhelmed with the commitment of pet ownership and regret bringing pets into their homes or lives. 

If fostering a pet doesn't work out for you,  you can always inform the rescue organization and they will take the pet back.  You do not have to fret regarding what to do with the pet if you're unhappy as a temporary pet owner. 

Some questions you need to ask yourself are these:  Who will take care of the pet while you're not home or traveling?  Are you willing to pay for a pet sitter or kennel?  Or pet daycare?  Are you prepared for destruction in your home if the pet chews and scratches your furniture,  belongings (shoes, clothing, etc), digs in your trash and the like?  Are you willing to take the time and energy for training?  Or, spend money on training?  Keep in mind,  not all animals can be trained.  Some genetics and / or abusive or neglected backgrounds make some pets tainted and un-trainable or so I've since learned the hard way. 

I remember bringing a pet store cat into my home and this cat had a pecking order problem where it would bite my then 3 year old son unprovoked.  My son would be on the floor playing with his little wooden train set and out of the blue,  this cat would attack my son near his eye and on his thigh! 😳 😡 This happened multiple times.  This cat did not bother my son's older brother by a few years though.  Go figure.  This cat never bit my husband nor me either.  I didn't know what to do with this cat so we asked my local in-laws if they would be willing to adopt this cat.  Thankfully, they did and this cat bit my mother-in-law (MIL) a few times but never my late father-in-law (FIL).  Through the years,  this cat eventually mellowed significantly and MIL & FIL gave this cat a long,  happy life. 

We once acquired a dog from the animal shelter.  Note,  often times you don't know the dog's (or any animal's) background.  Was it homeless and roaming the streets?  Abused?  Neglected?  This dog was seemingly OK with us for several days but when I took it for a walk,  it pulled on the leash so hard and chased after babies in strollers!  Another time,  it chased after a young boy as he scrambled and scaled up a fence in order to flee.  This dog had a scary growl as if it were ready to bite at any given moment.  We didn't know what to do with this dog.  My husband posted an ad at his work's bulletin board stating:  "free to a good home" with full disclosure regarding this dog's temperament.  To our surprise,  his colleague was willing to adopt this dog.  This dog became a protective guard dog for his widowed mother in a rural,  deserted area near a forest.  Fortunately, this dog story had a happy ending for this dog.  We were relieved.

For the next dog,  a dog was shipped to us from out-of-state.  During the weekend,  we soon discovered that this dog did not like my other son with eyeglasses.  He'd viciously growl,  bark,  bare its teeth as if it were ready to maul or kill my son!  👿  This dog was fine with my husband,  younger son and me though.  For the entire weekend,  we had to separate the dog and my older son.  If my son exited his bedroom,  the dog was crated prior to my son exiting his room.  If my son retreated to his bedroom,  the dog was released from its crate temporarily.  It was crazy.  Needless to say,  we promptly shipped this dog back to out-of-state first thing Monday morning for a full refund.  What a disaster that was.  ☹️

We adopted a rescue dog from a woman on the Internet.  Over the weekend,  we discovered that this dog prefers females but hates males!  I was fine with the dog but this dog despised my husband and sons.  This dog would bite them but never me.  Sigh.  This was not going to work out.  We told the woman that we are returning the dog to her much to her dismay and fury.  Note she did not tell us in advance regarding her dog's favoritism to females vs. males.  Fortunately,  she took the dog back and it was her problem to figure out how to re-home her dog. 

Not that I recommend going this route but after much exasperation,  we took another route.  It was our last resort.  This time we went with a reputable dog breeder and bought our much beloved and cherished late Golden Retriever.  We truly struck gold with her this time.  We finally achieved dog ownership the right way for us.  She was of Guide Dog caliber,  calm,  quiet,  supremely intelligent,  extremely well behaved,  obedient,  gorgeously beautiful and the best dog we had ever owned.  She was classy and behaved like a saint.  Her bearing was noble.  We took thorough care of her and gave her a great,  long life.  We got it right this time.  She behaved better than humans. 

Earlier in our marriage,  we had birds.  They squawked a lot and bit.  We gave them to my brother and the birds lived a content life with him. 

With our other dog,  she had some health problems and we couldn't take her with us during our moves so fortunately,  she went to a great local home with a family of 3 kids including a set of twins and lived a great life.  I checked up on her and she did quite well with her new family. 

We couldn't take our other cat with us for another move and fortunately,  my mother took the cat and gave the cat a great,  long life.  Btw, this cat was adopted from a rescue and all adoptions were final.  However,  some rescue organizations will take the animal back if the animal either isn't a good fit for you or if pet ownership is not for you after all.  This is what you need to investigate. 

After owning birds (finches, cockatiel),  rabbits,  lizards in a terrarium,  aquarium fish,  cats and dogs,  we're done with pet ownership.  It was enjoyable while it lasted but my husband and I don't want anymore pet responsibilities.  Been there done that.  It's time for us to pass the baton and let someone else do it.  It's their turn.

[shouldhavelearned]

Stay strong

Can you communicate with them on the off weekend?