Feeling guilty about moving away from family

[dapperrobin]

I know there are a lot of posts like this here and around the internet, but I just need a place to put my thoughts to words and hopefully get some advice.

I (25F) have been dating my boyfriend (27M) for over two years and we are talking about future plans. He is a graduate student and the job market for his field is volatile. We want to stay in our current city, but there is a strong probability that we will have to move, maybe even across the country, for his job. (side note: at that point we would be married. One of my boundaries is I would not move cities/states for a boyfriend). 

Of course, this would mean moving away from my family. I am an only child and my parents are essentially roommates at this point. They just tolerate each other. My mom stopped working when I was 5 and she is 70 now and not going to return to work. She also does not have any friends she sees regularly and because of health issues was unable to be vaccinated against COVID and is still anxious to go out of the house. Over the years, she has become very dependent on me both emotionally and for day-to-day things. She's often said that I'm the only person she really has and, especially since COVID, I've been doing a lot of errands for her, like getting groceries or picking up her medication. My dad works a lot and late into the day, so it is easier for me to do these things with my flexible work schedule. 

I know that if I move, it will be extremely difficult for my mother. I feel so guilty about what might happen if I move. I also know that if I do move, it will be because of my boyfriend (then fiancee or husband's) job, so a part of me is considering breaking up so that this situation does not arise, but I know that is not a good reason to break up, especially because my boyfriend and I are very compatible and have a strong, loving bond.

I'm worried that if one of my parents gets sick, I will not be around to help take care of them. I'm worried that my mother will have a fall while my dad is at work and no one will be there for hours on end. I'm worried that my parent's incompatibility will just get worse if I'm not around to mediate. I just feel so guilty about causing them this pain. 

[Tinydance]

Well I don't think you're actually causing them the pain. It's actually not your fault that your parents' relationship has drifted apart. I understand your parents are older but they are still adults and it's between them. I don't think it's actually your job to worry about their relationship because that's for them to work through. It's also not your fault if your Mum doesn't have friends.

I think it's really nice that you take care of your Mum. But to me your relationship with her actually seems co-dependent. You rely very heavily on her and she does on you. It's completely normal for an adult to move away from their parents when they get married and have their own family and things like that. That's not to say that you shouldn't help your Mum or keep in touch. 

If you move you can still call her often and come to visit regularly. When you visit you can help her around the house and get groceries for her. You can go out with her for coffee, lunch, etc. But you don't have to put your life aside for her and especially not do something drastic like break up with your boyfriend! I mean, don't you want to have your own life and your own family? It doesn't mean you can't be close to your Mum but there is nothing wrong with branching out on your own.

There are many places that your Mum can meet friends. They have all sorts of social groups and classes for ladies her age. 

Also if your Mum is of sound mind, like she has no dementia or anything like that, I think you need to allow her to be an independent adult. If she struggles physically then maybe your parents could get a carer for her. I'm sure even some of those things she could do herself but she's just come to rely on you to do them.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, dapperrobin said:

 We want to stay in our current city, but there is a strong probability that we will have to move, maybe even across the country, for his job. 

Do you both work? Do you both have friends and family in your city? 

Please wait to move until you have concrete plans for yourself. Do not move without a job lined up and solid commitment.

As far as your parents, your mother is eligible for various types of homecare and assistance. However you seem quite attached. 

Carefully reconsider moving because you seem homesick already. 

[Kampuniform3]

As someone who moved from the Pacific to the Atlantic with their partner two years ago, bear these points  in mind as likely outcomes:

- Relocation depression. 

- Any doubts you have here have the potential to become confirmations there. 

- If you find your new life sub optimal, all your thoughts will be of family/home. 

- Fighting will ensue. 

In my instance, things didn't end well, so my point of view is somewhat biased. 

[catfeeder]

It makes no sense to manufacture a hypothetical scenario and invent arbitrary rules about it only to hem yourself into the thing, then cause yourself deliberate strife over that which has not even occurred.

Putting a marriage requirement on any such exploration would be shooting yourself in the foot. You'd leave yourself no way out for what could conceivably happen if you get yourself all the way across country and end up learning that you hate the place or hate the guy or hate your new life as you never could have envisioned it.

However. Without such an arbitrary requirement, you could simply go off and learn how it goes. If you love it, you can cross the marriage bridge, but if you hate it, you could just move yourself back home--no harm, no foul. All the wiser for the experience.

So be careful about prematurely imposing the whole legal contact and vows followed by a shockingly expensive reception and committing yourself to a series of unknowns in front of everyone in your whole private world only to later learn WHAT you've actually committed yourself TO. And then, should you wish to undo such a mistake, you'd require really-really expensive lawyers sucking you dry in order to disentangle you over a course of time that could, conceivably, waste your best fertility years.

All because you opted to put your cart before your horse. 

Skip that. And skip the premature worry. Let BF manage his career as he sees fit. If he ends up taking a job across country, use your vacation time or a leave of absence to go visit him.

Then LEARN where you will WANT to stand on the issue ONLY should such an issue actually become a fact.

Meanwhile, enjOy!

[dias]

Short answer: Do not move, it won't work if you are already stressed about it. 

When you relocate you need to be at least excited, it does not mean things will work out but if you are not excited in the first place it's definitely not going to work. 

[Batya33]

I moved 800 miles for my husband 8 months after marriage and with a 5 month old infant. He is an only child and we grew up in the same city which I’d lived in 43 years straight and him a bit less. Our aging parents lived there still. His parents not doing great.  So yes it was hard. I solo parented a lot when he went back there to age for them or arrange care. they passed away some years ago. I miss them!!

My mom is still living. When my dad was sick I remotely took care of the financial stuff and retained attorneys. I have an awesome sister who was in the area but honestly she did most of her help and support by phone like me. Yes you might have to hire aides and nurses etc.  and consult with an elder law attorney. And fly back to help once in awhile.
If you want to be with your boyfriend and be his wife decide whether you give up that gem of a person and tie yourself to a specific city. And then accept your decision. 
I don’t regret mine.  My husband doesn’t either his parents were so supportive of his awesome career and it’s meaning to him. So was I. My parents were so supportive of me starting a life as a wife and mother with such a great person they loved. They didn’t want me tied down ever even though they missed seeing their grandson grow up like my grandparents did for me living across the street. Covid meant not visiting my mom at all for 18 months ??
It’s hard. I’m not sugar coating it. But if your BF is the one - if you feel you’re reasonably sure and excited to be with him - that’s very rare IMO. I didn’t find that till age 39. Good luck. 

[Kwothe28]

I dont think its on you to take care of your mother. Not because you shouldnt but because in this particular situation, she already has somebody that should take care of her and that is your father. I would maybe think differently if your mother solely depends on you. But the fact is, she is not. If your father works, they can maybe apply for some assistance when he isnt home. But they should be OK without you. Your mother theoretically can live 10-15 years, even more. And I am sorry, but you need to think about yourself and your own life and cant be "trapped" to your mother vims. Who btw is doing exactly that, emotionally manipulate you how you are "the only thing she has in life" and stuff like that. They would be fine without you. And you need to take care of your own life.

[SooSad33]

Your mom is not alone.  Your parents are still together.  that's good!

Just means that your dad is going to have to pick up the slack a bit more, when you move out.

You DO have a right to living your own life.  Do it!  Follow your dreams, be with your love.

Your parents can arrange a delivery re: things like your mother's medications and even foods etc. ( If you dad doesn't have the time).

There are also care workers out there ( here we call them PSW's).  There is help.