Feeling alone

[Sarah M.]

I have been married to my husband for almost 2 years. I thought things would change and be better when we got married, and yes I know that's stupid. What can I say I'm hopeful? This is the problem I'm a stay at home mom, with my first child, who is now 2. I feel like I do everything. I do all the cooking, cleaning, everything involved with taking care of my daughter (feeding, bathing, reading to her, changing her clothes and diapers, etc...everything). I am also taking classes online. It is the same thing everyday with him. He wakes up and chats online, comes home, watches tv, chats online, plays video games and this repeats till he goes to bed. The only time I get attention is when he wants to me to get him off or have sex. After more tv, being online and video games. I feel like a maid, a cook, a nanny, and a sex object. If I say anything he gets mad. We also watch what he wants, he never asks me. I just don't know what to do anymore. I feel so alone and very overwhelmed with everything I do. I know he works hard and stressed, but I do too. I wish he would help me more with the our daughter.

[Andrina]

How much longer until you're done with online classes until you get a degree? Is it leading to something where you're likely to be able to have a lucrative career?

When you says he gets mad, what type of mad?

Do you have a supportive family outside of your marriage?

Not knowing the answers to these questions, the only thing I can say is that if it were me, I'd be making a plan to exit the marriage. I don't think he's worth trying to go to marriage counseling with, because that won't change the jerk he is.

I'd perhaps see if you can supplement the online classes with adding a class in person if possible, telling him he can care for your child that one or two nights you're in class, if that's a safe request and he is kind to your child.

If you mean he grumbles or barks to leave him alone, but doesn't physically abuse you or calls you names or insults you, you could stop doing his laundry and tell him you're too tired and something has to give.

I don't know how you can stand being intimate after all this. Is there any way you can get a divorce ASAP. Could you live off the custody payments?

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Sarah M. said:

. I feel like a maid, a cook, a nanny, and a sex object. If I say anything he gets mad. 

Only take care of yourself and your child.  Let him shop, cook clean more. Nagging never helps. Take action.  Don't say a word. Just stop being a maid.

[catfeeder]

I would give him one chance at a conversation that’s NOT focused on what he does or doesn’t do for me, but rather a gentle yet concise description of how I’ve been feeling about my own limitations in having a social life and loving support from him.

He’ll either empathize and step up, or not.

If not, I’d go on strike, silently refusing to wash his clothes, fix his meals or participate in anything sexual, even while I reach out to family, friends, a local hospital for a referral to a counselor who can help me make a plan, a women’s shelter for counseling and resources, and a meeting with legal aid or a family attorney for advice on my options and best steps to take for each option.

I would make this less about the emotional stuff—there will be time to deal with that later—and more about practical solutions to care for myself in the absence of a partner who is absent anyway.

[shouldhavelearned]

What does he say when you talk to him? About his day or hey, can I pick a television show....

[1a1a]

If you did try one more conversation in a calm time you might frame it as ‘I’m really struggling with the work load, could you do x and y and z house chores? I’m anlso struggling with isolation and Feeling distant from you. How have you been feeling about us? * wait and listen* do you have any ideas for nurturing our connection? Is this something you re willing to work on? *wait and listen*

 

You want to be quite specific in what labour help you’d like because specificity increases the chances of getting what you need. 
 

And how he responds to this is going to tell you volumes about if this person is still worthy of you. 

[Batya33]

I was a SAHM for 7 years and my husband worked more than full time and was a student working part time on an advanced degree and traveled a lot. Is you online work so you can go back to work - or is it more of an intellectual interest to you? 
Every couple feels fairness differently. For us it was : my main job was childcare. Cooking and cleaning secondary. For cleaning my husband suggested a weekly cleaning service. With my son’s nap schedule etc I did twice a week. For cooking I did some , also did food prep plus takeout. And prepared foods. I did all the food prep for our son. I did some classes like weekly story time and a weekly art class when he was around 2 but otherwise we were outside at parks and playgrounds and errands and exploring. Because I wasn’t home spending hours cooking and cleaning. 

when my husband was home and in town he was a highly involved parent. He played with him, changed diapers, took him places (when he was very young I also went but often would get to sit and read a book and eat a sandwich on a park bench - heaven lol).  He was over the moon about him and still is and showed it actively. Sometimes he’d be unable to take over as soon as he got home from a trip - jet lag or headache but he really tried. He also said he was fine with me getting a sitter (I wasn’t and didn’t want daycare - son started part time pre school age 3.5). Can you do a mom morning out where you trade off child care ?  I didn’t want to but you might. However yes your husband has to step up to the plate!

[SooSad33]

20 hours ago, Sarah M. said:

It is the same thing everyday with him. He wakes up and chats online, comes home, watches tv, chats online, plays video games and this repeats till he goes to bed. The only time I get attention is when he wants to me to get him off or have sex. After more tv, being online and video games. I feel like a maid, a cook, a nanny, and a sex object. If I say anything he gets mad. We also watch what he wants, he never asks me.

My first ex was like this.  I did everything around the house, with the kids etc.

HE, as a father, should be giving his little one some attention, AND his wife!

You should explain to him that you'd like some real 'down time' with him now and then.  A few days a week where there is NO interference. ( No gaming), but some attention towards you when the little one's in bed.  Maybe some tv & cuddle time. etc.

Do you guys go on 'date nights'?  Anyone who can help with the little one on occasion?  So you two can get out for a meal & some peace & quiet?  This may help as well 🙂 .

YOU are the primary caregiver here.  You have that 'sense' to want to tend to your child, as women have that 'nurturing' aspect.. But, does not mean dad has to be so negligent.  Dad sometimes should be stepping up and give some time & focus to his 'loved ones' as well.

I'm also wondering if he feels a little out of place?  Maybe he's not sure how to do this?  As you mentioned, you've been married only a couple of years.  It may be new and a little overwhelming to him sometimes.. so he's trying to 'adjust'.

So, be nice on your approach... give it some time, see IF he changes and improves.  But, he does need to be aware of YOUR situation & feelings.

Good luck.

[ElizabethI]

This sounds abusive to me. Sorry. All i can say is PUT YOUR CHILD FIRST. Don't be a stressed mom. Your child is the one who will suffer. All the best.

[redswim30]

A few questions for you, OP 

1. Does your husband work?  If so, does he have a high pressure job?

2. How long were you together before you got married?

3. Were your problems similar to those now or different?  You say you haven't seen improvement, but is anything better?

4. Why did you have a child with him if this was an ongoing issue? 

5. Did you agree to be a SAHM and take on the bulk of things prior to having your baby?

 

A first child is always difficult on parents and can really stress and strain a marriage in all the above ways you already mentioned. This happens even in the best of marriages.  If you aren't on strong ground before having a baby, then it's even harder.  But it will help to know what advice to give if you can paint a picture of how things were with your husband BEFORE having your baby and before getting married.   

That way we will better know IF-  1. He's just an abusive and entitled jerk that you just hoped would improve after marriage and a baby  OR   2. If he is a first time Dad just doing his best and really struggling in his own ways. 

After having a clearer picture of then vs. now, I'll be able to better advise you.