Nervous for a date

[Jaunty]

4 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

 

He brought up me meeting his friends. I never asked or did. I was positive and perceptive to it, but never initiated it. 

IMO it's even worse that it's him bringing it up, since 100% of the time he then bails on the plan - the part involving you, anyway.

Look, Alex, I think you need professional help or else you are likely to destroy your life.  Not because of this bozo specifically. Almost everybody on here has dated a dud or had a very unrealistic relationship - that's why we are here. 

The ease in which you slide from one narrative to another and assuage yourself with  stories, leaving the facts of what is happening in real life out, is a stunning example of both denial and rationalization.  It's kind of like you're brainwashed - but you brainwashed your self.  

 

 

[Alex39]

Just now, Batya33 said:

So -if his family and he knows when he finds out about military service and chose to take their chances since that weekend was better for them -why in the world would he buy anything in advance of finding out which weekend in September he'd have to serve? 

He didn't buy anything. He was waiting until he got a confirmation on these dates. 

[Batya33]

2 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

I swear it was and I knew this. I didn't mention it here. But I knew. 

Oh ok -so again why did he buy all that stuff before he knew? Particularly since he is so financially strapped that you'd have to pay for the food? Edited because now you say he did not buy an air mattress etc. My bad.

So did he offer to take you camping another weekend in September since you talked about it? Offer to have you meet his family in September another time since you were supposed to meet them then?

[Sindy_0311]

Just now, Alex39 said:

He didn't buy anything. He was waiting until he got a confirmation on these dates. 

you said "he got us all the supplies"... not going to search for it... but thats what you said... 

Asking again, when did you plan to see each other again? 

[Alex39]

Just now, Sindy_0311 said:

you said "he got us all the supplies"... not going to search for it... but thats what you said... 

Asking again, when did you plan to see each other again? 

We are getting together tonight

[rainbowsandroses]

2 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Yes which is why on other forums she might be getting the "you are too high maintenance" thing.

Batya, see my previous post but I've read her thread(s) on the other forum and it was a different version of what she has shared here.

Some similarities but quite the spin. 

Hence the different responses.

 

[boltnrun]

2 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

He didn't buy anything. He was waiting until he got a confirmation on these dates. 

I'm not going to go back and search, but you did absolutely say he bought stuff for the camping trip. 

[Sindy_0311]

Just now, Alex39 said:

We are getting together tonight

ok. please cancel. 

[boltnrun]

Just now, Alex39 said:

We are getting together tonight

A sitting on your couch "date"? 

He should have funds available since he "didn't" buy any camping gear. He should be able to take you somewhere nicer than a fast food joint.

Do his "stomach issues" affect his ability to perform military service exercises? Those are certainly vigorous.

[Batya33]

Honestly -no biggie if you want to revise history here. But it's a biggie for your continued relationship with this person -and with yourself - I mean you know it's cliche right if you "revise" in this way -you're really only hurting yourself.

[rainbowsandroses]

6 minutes ago, Jaunty said:

Look, Alex, I think you need professional help or else you are likely to destroy your life.  Not because of this bozo specifically. Almost everybody on here has dated a dud or had a very unrealistic relationship - that's why we are here. 

The ease in which you slide from one narrative to another and assuage yourself with  stories, leaving the facts of what is happening in real life out, is a stunning example of both denial and rationalization.  It's kind of like you're brainwashed - but you brainwashed your self.  

^^Requoted for emphasis in case she missed or intentionally ignored.

It's quite troubling, to say the least. 

[LootieTootie]

1 minute ago, rainbowsandroses said:

I'm struggling to believe that as not once did you ever mention this to us.

You presented it to us as a firm trip with him buying camping gear and you the groceries.

This entire situation including what you choose to share with us at any given time is crazy making. 

And sad.

 

I'm not struggling. I think Alex is lying to herself. She isn't honest with herself or to us and ignoring all these flags. For what? To maintain a shallow status just to say: "I have a boyfriend."

Alex you deserve so much better but if your way is to live a lie, then it's your decision.

I had a coworker who's exactly like this. No doubt she had a big heart but she lived a very shallow and vain life. She was unhappy but as long as she can tell people she had a boyfriend who made 6 figures, a house, and a Tesla, everything was right in this world. Eventually they couldn't afford the house any more and sold it so they can move to Georgia, where its a lot cheaper. Just so they can keep their Tesla and get a bigger house but both starting all over at entry level jobs. Their life is still one hot mess. I still get random texts from her about things he does 🙄 and when I give her advice, it falls on death ears. Sure she will say I know you're right but the next day, everything is great again. I don't understand how people have so much energy for BS.

 

[Batya33]

2 minutes ago, LootieTootie said:

I'm not struggling. I think Alex is lying to herself. She isn't honest with herself or to us and ignoring all these flags. For what? To maintain a shallow status just to say: "I have a boyfriend."

Alex you deserve so much better but if your way is to live a lie, then it's your decision.

I had a coworker who's exactly like this. No doubt she had a big heart but she lived a very shallow and vain life. She was unhappy but as long as she can tell people she had a boyfriend who made 6 figures, a house, and a Tesla, everything was right in this world. Eventually they couldn't afford the house any more and sold it so they can move to Georgia, where its a lot cheaper. Just so they can keep their Tesla and get a bigger house but both starting all over at entry level jobs. Their life is still one hot mess. I still get random texts from her about things he does 🙄 and when I give her advice, it falls on death ears. Sure she will say I know you're right but the next day, everything is great again. I don't understand how people have so much energy for BS.

 

Mentioning this as might be relevant -I had a friend like this - and -once they were engaged she dumped me because I was a reminder of what angst he put her through -because she'd vent to me just to get it out and I don't recall going there as far as "ok now break up" -nothing like that -but I was a reminder to her and she wanted to paint this see how happy we are together stuff.  So I get the backpedaling -been there.

[Wiseman2]

17 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

We are getting together tonight

But this is what you want. He comes over you cook him dinner because you like to shop and cook, watch movies then hang out then he goes home. You're very happy with this.

As far as the camping trip jump for joy you didn't get roped into it and he told you in advance rather than last minute forgetting. This way you can plan a fun weekend with friends instead of crying because he forgot this or that or got caught up in this or that.  

 

[Sindy_0311]

if you want to give this relationship a chance to work, the only advice I would give is to step back for a while. He obviously gets enough of you, you accept everything and he has nothing to pursue. You are into chasing so much,  so why don't you let him chase you a bit... 

Cancel the plans you had tonight. Pretext that you have extra work and are tired. Once you canceled, don't reach out to him, don't answer the phone, or his texts until tomorrow 6pm at least... 

Are you strong enough to do that? 

 

[Alex39]

2 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

if you want to give this relationship a chance to work, the only advice I would give is to step back for a while. He obviously gets enough of you, you accept everything and he has nothing to pursue. You are into chasing so much,  so why don't you let him chase you a bit... 

Cancel the plans you had tonight. Pretext that you have extra work and are tired. Once you canceled, don't reach out to him, don't answer the phone, or his texts until tomorrow 6pm at least... 

Are you strong enough to do that? 

 

We planned to get together tonight because he's leaving tomorrow for his week vacation and I won't see him. But maybe when he gets back, I'll let him come to me. 

[Sindy_0311]

4 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

We planned to get together tonight because he's leaving tomorrow for his week vacation and I won't see him. But maybe when he gets back, I'll let him come to me. 

let him leave without seeing you... man! its just one week... 

Even better this way.. 

[Wiseman2]

6 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

 he's leaving tomorrow for his week vacation.

Enjoy your evening. He'll probably send you lots of pics about all the fun he's having.

[Alex39]

Just now, Wiseman2 said:

Enjoy your evening. He'll probably send you lots of pics about all the fun he's having.

I'm happy for him doing this and going away with his family. 

[itsallgrand]

Like my mom used to say, they are so full of it their eyes are brown.

 

[rainbowsandroses]

15 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

We planned to get together tonight because he's leaving tomorrow for his week vacation and I won't see him. But maybe when he gets back, I'll let him come to me. 

There won't be a next time.  This one-week vacation (with whomever - I highly doubt it's with his family, don't care what he told you) is the beginning of the end. 

Mark my words, this is done or on its way to being done.

Which is why he cancelled the camping trip.

He didn't want it hanging over his head during his vacation with "whomever."

 

 

 

[Batya33]

Just now, itsallgrand said:

Like my mom used to say, they are so full of it their eyes are brown.

 

My mom who barely dated before she met my dad at age 16 liked to say that if a man you're first dating cancels "because it's raining" don't see him again.  These excuses/revising sounds a lot like that.

[itsallgrand]

Just now, Batya33 said:

My mom who barely dated before she met my dad at age 16 liked to say that if a man you're first dating cancels "because it's raining" don't see him again.  These excuses/revising sounds a lot like that.

Our moms had good bs radars even though they both met their husbands as teens! 

[LootieTootie]

21 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Mentioning this as might be relevant -I had a friend like this - and -once they were engaged she dumped me because I was a reminder of what angst he put her through -because she'd vent to me just to get it out and I don't recall going there as far as "ok now break up" -nothing like that -but I was a reminder to her and she wanted to paint this see how happy we are together stuff.  So I get the backpedaling -been there.

I think my coworker (and we are not friends so that is why I call her coworker) keeps me around is because I don't have Facebook. Now that she's in Georgia, its even safer for her to tune me out when needed. She really did live in this alter world, and it was so unsettling sometimes I had to stop her and question her sanity.

[Alex39]

1 minute ago, rainbowsandroses said:

There won't be a next time.  This one-week vacation (with whomever - I highly doubt it's with his family, don't care what he told you) is the beginning of the end. 

Mark my words, this is done. 

 

 

He's going with his parents. He's even staying in a room with them.  I fully believe him on this.