Nervous for a date

[rainbowsandroses]

12 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I think it's obvious that a person who wants to date another person especially one who is already interested in dating him or her will ask that person out on a date or respond with enthusiasm to being asked out and/or will want to reschedule in order to have a cancelled date.  I think with very rare exception a person who is reasonably stable behaves this way in this sort of situation with extremely rare exceptions.  I think in general people move towards pleasure and away from pain.

We're on the same page Bat. 

But like with Alex's friend and her hubs, her friend was the initiator, made most of the effort.  It worked for them. 

To an outsider, that may appear like he wasnt interested.  Obviously he was since they got married and are still married   

That's all I meant. 

I still believe it's up to to the person who cancelled to reschedule.  In this case that would be HIM. 

[boltnrun]

I mean, I know a couple that started as an affair between a 32 year old married woman and an 18 year old boy.  They recently celebrated their 20th wedding anniversary.  I wouldn't conclude all successful marriages should start as extramarital affairs with huge age gaps.

[Batya33]

17 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

I still believe it's up to to the person who cancelled to reschedule.  In this case that would be HIM. 

Yes, if he is interested in dating her.  That he hasn't yet is not a good sign.  I also agree especially if the cancellation was due to illness the other person should wait as otherwise it might seem pushy and make the person who felt poorly feel even worse about cancelling.

I don't think Alex's friend's husband is the least bit lazy most likely.  He readily took advantage of his partner's efforts and motivation to plan and move things along and he chose to coast.  I bet if she'd made herself less available and been a person who was less available he'd have stepped up if he was into her.  

It's like Sex and the City where Charlotte's proposal is basically her bringing up the topic of marriage and Trey says "alrighty!!"

 

[rainbowsandroses]

31 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I bet if she'd made herself less available and been a person who was less available he'd have stepped up if he was into her.  

It's hard to say.  Again, not always so black and white. 

IMO it depends on their respective personalities and natures and if they click as a couple. 

There are women who actually enjoy the role of the pursuer, the initiator.  It's their personality, their nature.  The men they attract are more passive.  I've encountered many couples with this type of dynamic.

It's somewhat of a role reversal but it works for them as a couple.

My guess is this is how it was for Alex's friend and her husband.  

It probably never even occurred to her to become less available to see if he would step up.  It wasn't in her nature to do that, she enjoyed being the initiator just like many men enjoy taking the lead and initiating.

Alex, the question you need to ask yourself is if YOU enjoy taking the lead, being the initiator and making the effort.  Is this YOUR nature and personality?

Based on your posts, it doesn't sound like it is.  He tells you to pick something and you scramble around agonizing about what to do. 

Now he's not rescheduling.  It's anyone's guess as to why. 

Stay true to yourself and your own nature/style and date men who complement that.   

Do not go twisting yourself into a pretzel trying to be what YOU think a man wants you to be. 

I think it's smart to stop texting. 

I'm all for texting to stay connected but only when it's balanced with actual in-person dates.

 

[Jaunty]

1 hour ago, rainbowsandroses said:

But like with Alex's friend and her hubs, her friend was the initiator, made most of the effort.  It worked for them. 

To an outsider, that may appear like he wasnt interested.  Obviously he was since they got married and are still married   

Who knows.  One thing I'm sure Alex's friend, Alex (if she's not making excuses) and all of us do agree upon:  Since the guy cancelled the date, if he wants to go on a date, it's up to him to reschedule.

I highly doubt that Alex's friend's husband cancelled their second date and then just blandly texted her without rescheduling it.   That certainly did not happen.

There is a chance that this guy will reschedule with Alex.  I would not bother holding out any hope for it, since I believe it would already have happened.  

@Alex39 - not long ago you were questioning whether you liked this guy much because you were not feeling chemistry.  Maybe that's the most "real" thing going on here.

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, rainbowsandroses said:

here are women who actually enjoy the role of the pursuer, the initiator.  It's their personality, their nature.  The men they attract are more passive.  I've encountered many couples with this type of dynamic.

It's somewhat of a role reversal but it works for them as a couple.

I am referring to this situation.  I wrote my opinion above. They are not a couple. He is a recently vomit-free individual who cancelled a date ostensibly because he was sick and is well enough to text.  To me it's not really about pursuit or dating or gender.  It's common courtesy if you cancel on someone because of illness to step up and reschedule and especially in dating if you want to see a person again you do your best to make it happen and if you get sick and cancel you do your best to reschedule and you know the other person really cannot because she won't know how you are feeling especially because they've only met two times.

I have a first meet tomorrow with an online penpal.  We met through a facebook group a few years ago.  We don't live that close by and with covid we didn't even try to meet for a long time. We have mutual friends.  Tomorrow we're meeting near me because her son lives near me and she is dog sitting. 

We can't wait!  I already told her when I will be there and also that if I have a work emergency or a kid emergency I will let her know and will need to reschedule.

She's asked me to text 45 minutes before to reconfirm.  I normally wouldn't do that but I want her to feel comfortable and this will help so I am happy to.  She is happy to meet without the dog so if we want we can go inside to a coffee place.  We have never met but are both highly interested in meeting and our actions are showing that interest. 

Our actions are showing respect for the other's schedules and situation.  That's how people who are interested in arranging a first meet behave -with very rare exception (please know I know there can be rare exceptions).

People are individuals. The common manners/basic courtesies/basic reliability I described I believe is generally true of individuals who are interested in meeting in person and have given at least some thought to the comfort level of the other person.  If one of us has to reschedule I believe with rare exception the expectation is the canceler reaches out to reschedule.  It's kind of obvious no?

I know of women who enjoy the role of pursuer, of women who lie to themselves that they enjoy the role of pursuer in the specific situation where the man is acting or is unavailable, I know of men who are flattered when women ask them out and will not ever choose that women for anything long term and I know of men who love having the woman -and indeed most people in their lives do all the work of arranging plans, arranging schedules, logistics, you name it and of women who absolutely adore that role. 

This situation however has nothing to do with that because I would venture a guess that even a woman who lived to chase men down wouldn't chase a man who'd recently been vomiting and cancelled a plan and "pursue" another plan with him - what's she gonna say "oh I'm so sorry you threw up again but I scored tickets to this awesome concert and I also got free parking so how about you pump yourself up with tummy meds and bring a barf bag and I'll pick you up at 6 -I know this great place we can have dinner before and if you're not hungry yet no worries you can watch me eat -

I'm sure this band will settle your stomach and this venue has really nice restrooms -never a line at the men's room!  I'm happy to make all the arrangements!!!

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, Alex39 said:

. Now we are both heading back to work after today, so he's going to have to re-adjust plans and choose nighttime or this weekend. He may not be thinking that far ahead at the moment. 

Yes just step back and relax. Light chatting is ok between dates, but you will have to see what happens later in the week as far as rescheduling. Are you losing interest or do you still like him?

[catfeeder]

I’d consider hanging out on text convos with a guy who canceled a date as sending the message that I have nothing better to do.

Either the guy circles back to set a new date—with a time and place to make this up to me, or not, but he’d have no access to me unless and until he does.

[Batya33]

2 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Yes just step back and relax. Light chatting is ok between dates, but you will have to see what happens later in the week as far as rescheduling. Are you losing interest or do you still like him?

I agree if there is a date planned.  There is no date planned. And she already entertained him a lot texting while he was "sick" so I think it's heavy enough particularly with no plan.

[rainbowsandroses]

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

I am referring to this situation.  I wrote my opinion above. They are not a couple. He is a recently vomit-free individual who cancelled a date ostensibly because he was sick and is well enough to text.  To me it's not really about pursuit or dating or gender.  It's common courtesy if you cancel on someone because of illness to step up and reschedule and especially in dating if you want to see a person again you do your best to make it happen and if you get sick and cancel you do your best to reschedule and you know the other person really cannot because she won't know how you are feeling especially because they've only met two times.

I have a first meet tomorrow with an online penpal.  We met through a facebook group a few years ago.  We don't live that close by and with covid we didn't even try to meet for a long time. We have mutual friends.  Tomorrow we're meeting near me because her son lives near me and she is dog sitting. 

We can't wait!  I already told her when I will be there and also that if I have a work emergency or a kid emergency I will let her know and will need to reschedule.

She's asked me to text 45 minutes before to reconfirm.  I normally wouldn't do that but I want her to feel comfortable and this will help so I am happy to.  She is happy to meet without the dog so if we want we can go inside to a coffee place.  We have never met but are both highly interested in meeting and our actions are showing that interest. 

Our actions are showing respect for the other's schedules and situation.  That's how people who are interested in arranging a first meet behave -with very rare exception (please know I know there can be rare exceptions).

People are individuals. The common manners/basic courtesies/basic reliability I described I believe is generally true of individuals who are interested in meeting in person and have given at least some thought to the comfort level of the other person.  If one of us has to reschedule I believe with rare exception the expectation is the canceler reaches out to reschedule.  It's kind of obvious no?

I know of women who enjoy the role of pursuer, of women who lie to themselves that they enjoy the role of pursuer in the specific situation where the man is acting or is unavailable, I know of men who are flattered when women ask them out and will not ever choose that women for anything long term and I know of men who love having the woman -and indeed most people in their lives do all the work of arranging plans, arranging schedules, logistics, you name it and of women who absolutely adore that role. 

This situation however has nothing to do with that because I would venture a guess that even a woman who lived to chase men down wouldn't chase a man who'd recently been vomiting and cancelled a plan and "pursue" another plan with him - what's she gonna say "oh I'm so sorry you threw up again but I scored tickets to this awesome concert and I also got free parking so how about you pump yourself up with tummy meds and bring a barf bag and I'll pick you up at 6 -I know this great place we can have dinner before and if you're not hungry yet no worries you can watch me eat -

I'm sure this band will settle your stomach and this venue has really nice restrooms -never a line at the men's room!  I'm happy to make all the arrangements!!!

Huh???

Batya, I was simply commenting (with my opinion) on the hypothetical scenario you  presented (which I had quoted) about how Alex's friend's now-husband might have stepped up had Alex's friend stopped being so available.  I assume they were a couple who were dating at the time.

And that love, life, people, relationships are not so black and white, every couple has their own dynamic, whatever works for them.   

Again, we are on the exact same page re Alex's situation. 

[Type O Negative]

4 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

 

'My guess is he hasn't rescheduled because he wants YOU to mention it'

He hasn't rescheduled because he's into option 2, 3 or 4 more than he is into Alex, sadly.

Alex, don't waste anymore time on this one. Do what he's doing - get yourself options to choose from. You're young, pretty, smart - you can do it.

[Batya33]

3 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Huh???

Batya, I was simply commenting on the hypothetical scenario you  presented (which I quoted) about how Alex's friend's now-husband might have stepped up had Alex's friend stopped being so available.  I assume they were a couple who were dating at the time.

And that love, life, people, relationships are not so black and white, every couple has their own dynamic, whatever works for them.   

Again, we are in the exact same page re Alex's situation. 

Oh ok I am confused as to why you keep repeating to me that people are indivdiuals and that relationships are not black and white.  I could not agree more. 

Nothing I've ever written suggests otherwise.  I agree that every couple who is healthy does what works for them. I do not believe that a dynamic that includes verbal or physical abuse is one that works but I believe a dynamic that includes the woman or man being submissive can work beautifully. 

 I also believe in certain basic truths that have rare exceptions.  I have written those above.  I don't know Alex's friend. My opinion is that it's highly unlikely her husband is a lazy person generally.  He and his wife have roles that work for them includng his wife taking the lead in planning, etc.

[Batya33]

6 minutes ago, Type O Negative said:

'My guess is he hasn't rescheduled because he wants YOU to mention it'

He hasn't rescheduled because he's into option 2, 3 or 4 more than he is into Alex, sadly.

Alex, don't waste anymore time on this one. Do what he's doing - get yourself options to choose from. You're young, pretty, smart - you can do it.

Could not agree more particularly on what Alex is worth.  My impression is Alex -you are getting a fair amount of interest from men on these dating sites -now as Type O Negative wrote, this one is likely not worth your time -don't settle! - but it's obvious to me that you are a "good catch" and it seems to me you're getting positive interest in your profile and it's well deserved.

[rainbowsandroses]

37 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Oh ok I am confused as to why you keep repeating to me that people are indivdiuals and that relationships are not black and white.  I could not agree more. 

Nothing I've ever written suggests otherwise.  I agree that every couple who is healthy does what works for them. I do not believe that a dynamic that includes verbal or physical abuse is one that works but I believe a dynamic that includes the woman or man being submissive can work beautifully. 

 I also believe in certain basic truths that have rare exceptions.  I have written those above.  I don't know Alex's friend. My opinion is that it's highly unlikely her husband is a lazy person generally.  He and his wife have roles that work for them includng his wife taking the lead in planning, etc.

Wholeheartedly agree with you and don't believe Alex's friend's husband was lazy either. 

Just their dynamic, to each their own.

3 hours ago, Batya33 said:

He readily took advantage of his partner's efforts and motivation to plan and move things along and he chose to coast.  I bet if she'd made herself less available and been a person who was less available he'd have stepped up if he was into her.  

With respect, this^ sounds like black and white thinking, as it assumes the standard male/female roles of initiator/responder. 

And disregards the possibility they both enjoyed the dynamic they had established - her being the initiator and him being the passive responder.

And that it had nothing to do with him choosing to coast or how into her he was or not. 

I apologize if I misinterpreted that, my bad. 

[Batya33]

17 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Wholeheartedly agree with you and don't believe Alex's friend's husband was lazy either. 

Just their dynamic, to each their own.

With respect, this^ sounds like black and white thinking, as it disregards the possibility they both enjoyed the dynamic they had established - her being the initiator and him being the passive responder.

And that it had nothing to do with him choosing to coast or how into her he was or not. 

I apologize if I misinterpreted that, my bad. 

No worries.  Yes you misinterpreted. Nothing at all was disregarded.  I expressed an alternative view with "I bet".  I know of a number of people who are into that role because it's consistent with their insecurities and low self esteem.

[rainbowsandroses]

2 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I know of a number of people who are into that role because it's consistent with their insecurities and low self esteem.

Fair enough. 

And sometimes it has nothing to do with insecurities or low self- esteem, it's simply their nature and personality.

JMO.

[rainbowsandroses]

How's it going Alex?  Have you stopped texting?  You ok?  

 

[Alex39]

5 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

How's it going Alex?  Have you stopped texting?  You ok?  

 

He's texting me, seems really interested, and wants to see me again, but is wanting me to make the plan again. 

[Wiseman2]

19 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

He's texting me, seems really interested, and wants to see me again, but is wanting me to make the plan again. 

Ok, so come up with a plan that suits you and is agreeable, uncomplicated and relatively inexpensive. 

Since he's willing to go to your area, pick out some places, venues, events, activities,etc. and send him the links.

Please don't assume that because he's giving you free reign to pick whatever you prefer that he's lazy or uninterested because "the man has to do the planning". 

Besides, last time he picked something you blew it off last minute and tried to rearrange it into something totally different.

So since you want to be in charge anyway, just give him some stuff (links, not vague "popular" ideas) and decide on something. But don't force him to pick something then totally rearrange it anyway.

[boltnrun]

26 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

He's texting me, seems really interested, and wants to see me again, but is wanting me to make the plan again. 

Are you willing to 'punt' back to him?

I would want him to take some initiative other than passively texting. 

How about saying something like "I'm in the mood to be outdoors." And see if he acts wishy washy or if he actually makes a plan that includes date, time and venue.

[rainbowsandroses]

12 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

So since you want to be in charge anyway, just give him some stuff (links, not vague "popular" ideas) and decide on something. But don't force him to pick something then totally rearrange it anyway. 

I agree with this^.  Based on your suggesting the fireworks instead of the morning date he suggested, it would appear you do sort of like being in charge and there is nothing wrong with that, see my previous posts. 

At first I thought you might be more traditional and prefer the man take the lead but it's fine if you want to..

Every dating couple (even though you're not technically a "couple") has their own dynamic.  

I'm happy to hear you're getting on well and please continue to keep us posted!!

 

[Jaunty]

Did he at least give you a date and time?

Whatever you do please, as others have suggested, do NOT offer alternative ideas or add-ons once you've told him what you would like to do.  Stick with that.  And it needs to be pleasant, not too expensive and SIMPLE.

One more thing:  I still think you should not be engaging in all of this texting at this stage.  

[dias]

I find this thinking entertaining. If a guy suggests a restaurant or an activity means he is taking the lead?  Wondering if the women's brain extrapolate from this that the guy is able to "lead" generally in life. Any biologist around? The easiest thing in life is to suggest a cafeteria or a restaurant to have fun. Being able to lead and whatnot when things get tough is a totally different thing. 

[Jaunty]

4 minutes ago, dias said:

I find this thinking entertaining. If a guy suggests a restaurant or an activity means he is taking the lead?  

I don't think that's it.  Women like to feel "courted."  A guy asking them out and going to some effort on the details is flattering.  

[dias]

5 minutes ago, Jaunty said:

I don't think that's it.  Women like to feel "courted."  A guy asking them out and going to some effort on the details is flattering.  

From that perspective it makes sense.