Breaking My Girl Friend's Heart

[RayanPH]

I am super ashamed of myself for what I did to my girlfriend. It's been almost one year and a half of relationship. But I was dishonest with her. I had a major crush on her sister, and I was assuming that I would deal with these emotions and get back to my girl. I failed at the end, and I was quite wrong. Not only I couldn't ever forget her sister, but also I lost my feelings toward my girlfriend. After 2 weeks of fighting and breaking up, which was like hell, I am super ***ed up and I have no choice except searching, reading, talking to get a little better.
What should I do?

[Wiseman2]

57 minutes ago, RayanPH said:

 I couldn't ever forget her sister, but also I lost my feelings toward my girlfriend. After 2 weeks of fighting and breaking up, 

How long were you dating? How old is she? What was the breakup about? Did you tell your GF about these feelings?

Why did you lose feelings for your GF? Did you ever date or make a pass at the sister? 

You did the right thing ending it if you weren't in love with your GF anymore. Do you still see or talk to her or the sister?

[RayanPH]

13 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

How long were you dating? How old is she? What was the breakup about? Did you tell your GF about these feelings?

Why did you lose feelings for your GF? Did you ever date or make a pass at the sister? 

You did the right thing ending it if you weren't in love with your GF anymore. Do you still see or talk to her or the sister?

We've been going out for a year and a half. I made a mistake accepting her request for relationship. It was my first time. I wasn't seeing things clear. I just made a mistake, and I am super guilty. I dated her, but I always liked her sister, and I always had feelings for her. I made a mistake, I thought it will be fine. I will overcome these stupid feelings. But I couldn't. I didn't do anything regarding these feelings. I have always been repressing my feelings for her sister. I am a monster engaging my girl friend's feelings and heart and do her this. But please don't judge me. I am not proud of myself literally. I am ***ed up in my own conscience. I need help to get out of this misery.

[Cherylyn]

I would send a sincere text expressing your humble remorse.  Write "I'm extremely sorry,"   admit you made a terrible mistake,  you were wrong and write "I'm very sorry" for hurting her the way you did.  I don't think she would want to hear a voicemail because you could run the risk of her picking up your phone call,  answering it and after she discovers who you are,  she could very well hang up on you.  ☹️Send a brief text and promise not to bother her anymore.  Be honest and brief.  It's the best you can do.  Hopefully,  this will ease your conscience.  Then move on and become a better man.  It was not all in vain.  Learn from your painful lessons in life and go forward.  Start anew as a new man and you will be redeemed. 

I actually admire your guilty feelings.  The majority of people who've wronged me in my life are full of it.  They're in complete denial,  twisted it around on me,  are experts at gaslighting me,  narcissists and the whole ugly lot to the point of disgust.  They would never feel remorseful if their very lives depended on it.  😡 

[RayanPH]

19 minutes ago, Cherylyn said:

I would send a sincere text expressing your humble remorse.  Write "I'm extremely sorry,"   admit you made a terrible mistake,  you were wrong and write "I'm very sorry" for hurting her the way you did.  I don't think she would want to hear a voicemail because you could run the risk of her picking up your phone call,  answering it and after she discovers who you are,  she could very well hang up on you.  ☹️Send a brief text and promise not to bother her anymore.  Be honest and brief.  It's the best you can do.  Hopefully,  this will ease your conscience.  Then move on and become a better man.  It was not all in vain.  Learn from your painful lessons in life and go forward.  Start anew as a new man and you will be redeemed. 

I actually admire your guilty feelings.  The majority of people who've wronged me in my life are full of it.  They're in complete denial,  twisted it around on me,  are experts at gaslighting me,  narcissists and the whole ugly lot to the point of disgust.  They would never feel remorse if their very lives depended on it.  😡 

I totally know what I did, and I am feeling so ***ed up. I'm so messed up. I've been so selfish in this relationship. She is worse, she is doing so awful that I have no clue what can I do. I've learnt a lot lessons from this. I feel that my soul is so dirty and full of sins. I am stuck. I've been searching for books, videos, texts, website, ... for self improvement and relationships and love. I need to work on myself a lot, so that I learn that people have value. I should care for people. I am responsible for my partner's feelings. I need to clear my soul and become a better man. All I can do is to sorry myself. I am a monster animal.

[Cherylyn]

10 minutes ago, RayanPH said:

I totally know what I did, and I am feeling so ***ed up. I'm so messed up. I've been so selfish in this relationship. She is worse, she is doing so awful that I have no clue what can I do. I've learnt a lot lessons from this. I feel that my soul is so dirty and full of sins. I am stuck. I've been searching for books, videos, texts, website, ... for self improvement and relationships and love. I need to work on myself a lot, so that I learn that people have value. I should care for people. I am responsible for my partner's feelings. I need to clear my soul and become a better man. All I can do is to sorry myself. I am a monster animal.

Then humbly and sincerely express your feelings briefly to her as suggested previously.  I commend you.  Most people I know wouldn't know the definition of remorse if it hit them on the head. 

[RayanPH]

6 minutes ago, Cherylyn said:

Then humbly and sincerely express your feelings briefly to her as suggested previously.  I commend you.  Most people I know wouldn't know the definition of remorse if it hit them on the head. 

I would do, but it doesn't matter. her heart is broken anyway.

[Cherylyn]

3 hours ago, RayanPH said:

I would do, but it doesn't matter. her heart is broken anyway.

It DOES matter.  Of course, she's brokenhearted.  💔 What matters is she knows that you take ownership and responsibility for what you've done.  This is the crux of the matter.  If anyone ever would've humbly and sincerely apologized to me for breaking my heart despite the ended relationship,  I would've felt eternally grateful for the other person doing the right thing;  the honorable thing and closure on an extremely respectful,  very considerate note.   It is a form of real respect.  It will be a reflection of your integrity.

[RayanPH]

13 hours ago, Cherylyn said:

It DOES matter.  Of course, she's brokenhearted.  💔 What matters is she knows that you take ownership and responsibility for what you've done.  This is the crux of the matter.  If anyone ever would've humbly and sincerely apologized to me for breaking my heart despite the ended relationship,  I would've felt eternally grateful for the other person doing the right thing;  the honorable thing and closure on an extremely respectful,  very considerate note.   It is a form of real respect.  It will be a reflection of your integrity.

I KNOW, I DID, so what now? these things don't bring back her broken pieces. I am talking about me in this forum having this awful experience and misery, with this ***ing guiltiness. 

[bluecastle]

Sorry for this hard time.

Can I ask how old you both are, for some context? And am I correct in reading the above that this was your first relationship? 

For a different take, I think you are being too hard on yourself right now, and while I understand the urge, and am prone to beating myself up a bit too much, I want to encourage a different approach than raking yourself over the coals. The growth you are so clearly and admirably seeking will not come from that.  

Some big picture thoughts: It is not uncommon for relationships to end, and for them to end because one person loses feelings. I've been the one whose feelings have waned, and I have been the one with very strong feelings for someone who has lost feelings for me. Both places hurt. Both places are also human places, not monstrous or sinful ones. Everyone, over the course of their life, will break a heart and have theirs broken, often many times, in different ways.

The salve to this awful truth is that the human heart is wildly resilient. 

You had a crush on her sister and believed that crush to be fleeting, okay. This is not a sin. Did you also have feelings for your girlfriend? I ask because I don't think the specifics here are such a black and white story of being a terrible person, but more a story of being inexperienced. What, at this moment, do you think the lesson is here that this experience is asking you to learn? 

[boltnrun]

When I was 18 I got my heart broken. I cried for weeks. It happened again when I was about 40. Once again I cried for weeks. And it happened again because I fell in love again. Both times I recovered just fine. 

Your ex girlfriend will fall in love again too. She will recover no matter how upset she is now. 

 Please don't think you're a terrible person. Because you're not. 

[Cherylyn]

3 hours ago, RayanPH said:

I KNOW, I DID, so what now? these things don't bring back her broken pieces. I am talking about me in this forum having this awful experience and misery, with this ***ing guiltiness. 

@RayanPH  I KNOW sincere,  humble expressions of remorse won't mend her broken heart.  💔  The purpose of admitting fault and apologizing does NOT bring back her broken pieces nor erase your guilt.  The purpose of offering a humble,  very sincere "I'm very sorry" type of an apology lets her know that you are doing the right,  honorable thing by taking the blame,  taking ownership and expressing responsibility for what you've done to cause her broken heart. 💔  It is a gracious gesture and shows class.  This won't bring her back but it will bring classy closure during parting ways.  It's worse to totally ignore and do absolutely nothing.  Why?  Because then she will feel embittered and resent you every time she thinks of you and do you want that?  I KNOW because I've been treated with indifference whenever the perpetrator left me hanging and did absolutely nothing after a falling out;  just completely ignored me for life which I found rather disgusting to be quite honest.  Even though I commend you for having a conscience of guilt,  it feels as if you don't care whenever you ignore the ones you've hurt badly.  This is the aura and vibe that you give off and what is perceived by the ones who've been sorely mistreated and wronged by you.  I'm telling you from the perspective of those who've been badly burned.   Doing the right thing and then parting ways forever ends on a healing note. 

[catfeeder]

I don’t understand the tisk-tisk finger wagging over this, and I don’t view it as useful at all.

 I can think of at least 3 boyfriends where I developed a crush on a brother and even once on a father!

 What did this tell me? I was in the wrong relationship.

So, you got out of the relationship. While I hope you didn’t do anything stupid like TELL the girl, you were within your rights to recognize that you made a mistake, and you ended it.

Maybe you didn’t end it eloquently, but people rarely if ever have a ‘good’ breakup.

So decide how much of the rest of your life you want to mess up over this and to what degree. Then take steps toward kindness toward others and yourself, and start living in a way that supports becoming your best self for the next person.

Head high, this probably won’t be your last breakup, so adopt resilience as your goal. It’s the most valuable life skill we can develop.

[Cherylyn]

I agree,  it's rare to have a 'good' breakup but it doesn't mean you have to follow the crowd.  You can be different by breaking up and apologizing (with "I'm very sorry . . .") with respect,  grace and humility ~ especially if you know you've hurt someone badly including deceit and betrayal.  This type of classy closure promotes peaceful recovery.  It's called being considerate of a person's feelings.  Doing nothing and completely ignoring them screams:  "I don't care and bleep you."  ☹️