Thoughts on this man?

[TacticalLinguine]

Hey all, 

Happy evening from where I’m writing you! 
 

I have a different thread here where I’ve been writing about this man I’ve been dating, it was lovely until some days ago where some things turned “weird”. At this point, I am unsure, so I decided to continue exploring my options more. Just to point out, we haven’t had the exclusivity talk. 

I met a guy on a dating site. We are both mid 20s, we have been texting some. The banter is great, when I asked about what he’s looking for, he gave me a very honest and clear answer, which I respected a lot. He said he still has baggage from his last break up, feelings are harder to grow, so he’s hoping to find a woman to simply spend some quality time with and hopes to, in the end, be introduced to these feelings again. His goal is an honest stable relationship. Reading between the lines, it sounded like he got cheated on. 
 

I told him what I’m looking for (LTR) and offered him friendship for now, as our banter is great and we seem to have a lot in common. But an ex being mentioned stuck out to me like a sore thumb. We had a very open exchange about some boundaries and exes, which was a breath or fresh air. 
 

All in all, steer clear, be cautious, friends? I haven’t even met him yet so I am not trying to get ahead of myself, just wondering what experiences you guys may have. I wouldn’t mind developing a new friendship at all, but I’ve had bad experiences with men who weren’t properly healed, be it platonic relationships or romantic. 
 

I am sorry, this dating thing is so damn confusing to me! 

[Cherylyn]

Don't be with a guy on the rebound unless you're prepared to deal with his baggage and his feelings being harder to grow.   If he was cheated on,  he'll  have trust issues with you.  You don't want to be his  therapist nor have him end up as your "project." 

Unless you're interested with being just friends with him,  you're wasting your time. 

[Andrina]

5 minutes ago, TacticalLinguine said:

He said he still has baggage from his last break up, feelings are harder to grow, so he’s hoping to find a woman to simply spend some quality time with and hopes to, in the end, be introduced to these feelings again.

This is a huge red flag, IMO. To me, a person isn't dating material until they've ditched baggage. Who has the time to be patient with someone who has to jump barriers and overcome the hardship of feeling something for a woman? No thanks.

 

9 minutes ago, TacticalLinguine said:

he gave me a very honest and clear answer,

Pfft. You don't even know him. You don't know if he's being honest or not, because he's a stranger. But what he's said is a warning, not something to embrace. Some women are too nurturing for their own good, and take a man's confession like this as a challenge, i.e., "I'm the special lady who will make him see I'm worthy of his love and will break through his concrete heart." Blech

Although from my perspective, he's vetted himself out of meeting in person, I don't think you're approaching dating in the right way. No reason to delve so deeply into another's brain before you even meet. Sure, text a bit and have at least one phone call to find out things in general within a 2 week period, ensuring he is actually single. But too much energy ends up being a waste of time if on the first meet, one or both of you don't share chemistry. IMO, first meets and a first date should be a bit more lighthearted, speaking of safe topics like if a person has siblings and pets, what their career is, what foods they like, if they like to read and what shows they like. 

If those first few get togethers go well, then you can get relevant info about their dating goals and exchanging relationship history in general, without getting into too much detail.

And do know you won't know the real person until well past the honeymoon period if it even gets that far. Take a wait-and-see attitude, and time will reveal all. Unfortunately, what a person says isn't always the truth. You will learn over time if a person is genuine or is putting on an act to meet a goal that will end up hurting you. Guard your heart until you feel comfortable that a person is treating you the way you deserve to be treated. Good luck.

 

 

10 minutes ago, TacticalLinguine said:

I haven’t even met him yet so I am not trying to get ahead of myself,

 

[bluecastle]

49 minutes ago, TacticalLinguine said:

He said he still has baggage from his last break up, feelings are harder to grow, so he’s hoping to find a woman to simply spend some quality time with and hopes to, in the end, be introduced to these feelings again

I would read that as, “My heart is a block of ice right now but I’m down for some dinners and sex and nebulous chit chat while it thaws out. And when it does, I’ll probably not be super keen on the person who helped me thaw out.”

Not what you’re wanting, in short. 

[Batya33]

Don’t choose him to develop a friendship with. I’m good friends with one person I originally met through a dating site. But it’s a really unusual situation.
 

 First from the get go we decided not to meet in person because it would have been LD and he wanted me not to meet anyone else till we met a month later. I said no. We decided to keep in touch as friends. He’s really nice!  I even tried to set him up with a few of my friends. 

4 years later I relocated. Got married had baby. He ironically came to my city to meet an online dating person. He asked if I’d meet him along with her. So my baby and I met them !

My husband couldn’t make it. Then I met him twice more for lunch in my city as he has family here. Once alone and once with one of his friends. Husband invited and couldn’t make it. Then a couple of years later we’re his customers. For IT help. 

Had I been interested in dating him or had he remained interested in dating me or had there been anything but platonic conversations all these years it never ever would have been a friendship. We met and I didn’t feel attracted. In another world under other circumstances would we have gone on one date ? Maybe I don’t know. 
If it’s not that platonic don’t go there. 

[carti2.0]

I would stay cautious. He says he has a lot of baggage so I doubt he is ready for a relationship right now. Stay friends.

[smackie9]

Ditch this guy because he's not looking for the same thing. Stop wasting time on: "giving them the benefit of a doubt", "give them a chance", "hope they will come around eventually", "How what they say is true and applies to you" (which it never does), "lets be friends, even tho you are already catching feelings" "Lets be friends for now, then maybe..."etc.

Stick with your expectations, your needs, your wants. This guy is not what you are looking for, so it would be energy wasted on them, instead of focusing on meeting someone who does.