Am I taking things too serious? (22f) and (26m)

[wellnow]

I've been in an on-and-off relationship with my boyfriend for almost 3 years. I constantly question our relationship due to my insecurities and desire for depth. I've never sought help for our issues besides talking to my mom. I'm not looking for pity, just objective advice. I also have ADHD, depression, and anxiety. I'm 22f and he's 26m. Below is a very long summary, and I'm sure it highlights more negatives than positives, and I do recognize I can dwell on the bad stuff more than the good. But still, it's the problems I want to work on, there's no need to fix the stuff that isn't broken. 

We met on OkCupid and decided to meet after a week of messaging. I didn't know what he looked like as his profile only had a drawing of him. He wanted to come to my place after getting pizza and walking around the neighborhood, but I was living with my mom at the time. He lived two hours away and I couldn't visit him as he lived with roommates and it would be a long drive.

So I was kinda bothered when he assumed he could come into my house without discussing it with me first. We ended up watching a show on my iPad and cuddling in my room, but he started to get handsy and we ended up having sex on our first date (if you could even call it that). Looking back, I regret not stopping it from happening. To make matters worse, he didn't use a condom and relied on pulling out. I don't remember if he asked for consent or not, but I didn't refuse either. Afterwards I was antsy because I knew my mom and brother would be coming back soon, but I didn't want to be rude and ask him to leave. Eventually, I had to tell him that I still lived with my mom, which he found awkward as he left and she was sleeping on the couch. To prevent pregnancy, I had to spend a fair bit on Plan B. I was very worried during the three-day waiting period because getting pregnant is my worst fear. (Also to be clear I am not a reckless or careless person when it comes to contraception, but I had been experiencing complications with hormonal birth control and was taking a break from it for a couple weeks at the time I met up with him.)
After I received Plan B, he messaged me to express his concern about not using a condom and offered to come up with a plan in case of pregnancy. I appreciated his concern, but I had already handled everything myself. He even offered to compensate me, but I refused.

Although it's not a major issue, I still can't shake off how casually the situation was handled. I joined OkCupid to find romance, not hookups. However, the next time I saw him, he gave me a pack of condoms and told me to use them whenever I wanted. I appreciated the gesture I guess? but I had already gone back on the pill after that first encounter. During the initial phase, I tried to distance myself via text, but after a few weeks, I became more invested in him. My hesitation stemmed from not knowing much about him and feeling like he didn't care to know much about me. One night, he asked me to share my backstory, but he fell asleep after a few minutes. Moments like that were disheartening because I already struggle with opening up due to a deep-seated fear of rejection. For most of my life, I was ridiculed for being honest about my thoughts and feelings, so I learned to bury them along with myself.

At first, he was very open with me. He showed me his yearbooks, some old trinkets, and even where he used to live on Google maps. He eventually opened up about his estranged family and upbringing. While he pointed out girls he thought were cute in his yearbook, including which had the best "butts," I wasn't sure how to react. Online we had fun playing puzzle games and stuff through Discord. Though I didn't always find him the most entertaining, I didn't have anyone else in my life and became attached to him. I was the first to say "I love you" through text, and he responded dramatically, saying his heart had popped and that he may feel the same way. I simply wanted to be honest and show my appreciation for him, as he had been very kind and considerate to me.

One summer memory that stands out for me is when we went on a hike. Suddenly, he grabbed my face and pulled me in for a kiss behind a building. It was such a sweet gesture that made me feel special and loved, even though he would always wipe his mouth off after kissing me (he later admitted he wasn't comfortable with kissing). Looking back, I realize he never kissed me during our first sexual encounter, which I find confusing.

Fast forward a week, and things were getting serious. After I told him I loved him, he surprised me by asking if I wanted to go to Norway with him. I was taken aback because he had never mentioned that he was leaving for grad school in September. If I had known he would only be in town for two months, I may not have pursued the relationship because I wasn't looking for a long-distance situation. Although he apologized for not telling me sooner, I started to feel overwhelmed and anxious.

He invited me to join him in Norway and I agreed since he offered to cover all expenses. I became excited about the idea but unfortunately, this was during the peak of COVID-19 in the summer of 2020. I needed a residence permit to accompany him and there wasn't enough time to obtain one. He tried his best to make it happen for me but it didn't work out. However, he still invited me on a short trip to Chicago where he needed to sort out some paperwork. The experience was stressful but cool, and I felt that he cared about me. At this point, my mom knew about our relationship and offered him to stay with us before his departure. Despite working full-time, he picked me up and dropped me off at work for the entire week he was there. I enjoyed the time we spent together but knew it couldn't last forever. When he left, we promised to stay in touch and committed to our relationship, but unfortunately, our communication gradually decreased over time.

We had been sort of dating for a year, but our involvement wasn't as strong as it could have been. I take some of the blame for this since I had to juggle work and school, while he only had school to worry about. Then the following summer, he asked if he could travel to see me and stay for a month. I hesitated because I still wasn't sure about our relationship's direction. But he came, and this time he was there for my birthday.

One thing I forgot to mention is that he never told me his birthday. I only knew that he was about four years older than me. I found out by accident when I printed out a license for him. He never acknowledged that I saw it, and the first time I asked about it, he refused to tell me. It was the only thing that made him angry to be asked about. When I asked why, he said he didn't like celebrating his birthday or receiving gifts. I reassured him that I was just curious and wouldn't celebrate it, but he remained uncomfortable with the question. So, I respected his wishes and never asked again.

But mine was ok to know! I was still in the same living situation with my mom and brother, except my mom had moved out to her own apartment and left the townhouse to me and my brother (this is due to conflict between my brother and her, and she decided to “remove” herself from the situation). So for the first week, he was there at the townhouse with me but eventually, my mom got a hotel (that she paid for) for him to stay at. She framed it so that way we could hang out privately, but I knew it was because my brother was not happy having him around in the house. And I don’t blame him, I just wish there were a better compromise. My bf offered to pay at first for the hotel costs but my mom insisted and he didn’t try to ask again. I don’t think he would have been able to afford it honestly, and I think he was probably relieved that she covered it. If not, I’m not sure what would have happened. Not like I had enough to cover him staying for a month, and even if I could I don’t think I would have wanted to.

During this time, I felt like our relationship was deteriorating. I started feeling distant toward him because I began to feel like he was using me for sex. When he came back, he would be all over me, and it seemed he wanted sex constantly. Don't get me wrong, I love sex, and I missed having sex with someone I felt connected to. However, halfway into his stay, I started feeling put off by the idea. To me, it seemed like sex was too convenient for him. It was like he was saying, "I know things have been awkward and not too clear between us since I last saw you, but let's have sex anyway." I began to question his intentions. Did he book a plane to see me and deepen our connection? Or did he do it because he was lonely and depressed in a country that he wasn't used to, and I was his plan B? It seemed like he thought that a whole month of sex could make up for the cost of the plane ticket. He said that he wasn't connecting with anyone else there, and he didn't have anything else to do over the break. So it seemed pretty convenient for him. Also, he left all his stuff with me before he left for Norway, which made me feel like his own personal storage unit. My mom even let him use her car when he needed it, so he didn't have to worry about Ubers or anything like that.

Despite being physically near him, I didn't feel any closer to him emotionally. I knew that distancing myself from him wasn't helpful, but I couldn't pretend that everything was alright. As the end of the summer approached, I knew that I would have to face the heartbreak all over again, which made the last week of the summer unbearable. I cried every day during that week.

One day, I visited him at his hotel and had sex with him. However, afterward, I became extremely depressed and had to leave. I told him I was going to use the gym, which I did. When I tried to return to the room, I realized that I had forgotten the hotel keys, and it was already very late. I didn't want to disturb him by texting him, knowing that he was probably already asleep. So, I went outside and cried my eyes out. A couple of hours later, he came out and found me. I explained that I had forgotten my keys but didn't want to disturb him. Even though I was visibly shaking and crying, he asked me if I was okay. I told him that I would be fine, and he went back inside. Two hours later, he came out again and asked if I was going to come back to bed with him. At that point, I decided that I just wanted to go home.

While driving back, I couldn't bear to talk to or even look at him. To him, it was just another night, but for me, the reality of being abandoned once again hit hard. I felt weak and as though I lacked the backbone to stand up for myself. I should have made it clear that if he wanted to visit me, he needed to establish clear boundaries. I had no idea where we stood, and it seemed like I was expected to be grateful just because he wanted to see me. I had to endure the loneliness and pain of not knowing for another year while waiting for him to finish school. I felt as though my needs didn't matter. I constantly questioned what I was to him. This consumed me every day, and it drove me insane. Therefore, we parted on bad terms, and I didn't accompany him to the airport on his last day. He had a confrontation with my brother, and I only found out about it a year later when my mom told me. He still hasn't apologized for it, but I guess he doesn't care about having a good relationship with my family.

The communication between us became worse after a certain point, and I admit that most of the fault was mine. I have a tendency to be stubborn and forgetful, which is something I'm not proud of. However, I felt that avoiding the whole situation was the best course of action to prevent further headaches. During those two years, I went through a lot of tough times but I chose to keep it all to myself and handle it on my own. I rarely asked for anything from him. I understand that this may have been a problem, but my negative feelings toward him had already surfaced after the second summer. My life was already chaotic and I felt that his presence added more stress and worry than I could handle, so I mostly avoided him.

Occasionally, we would watch a movie on Discord or I would send him a care package while he was in Norway, but there wasn't much else. I explained it away by saying that I was already exchanging gifts with two other friends, so I just included him. However, I think this lack of communication and effort on my part drove him crazy and led to our eventual breakup a few months later. I didn't show much emotion when he broke up with me, which offended him greatly. I wasn't sure what he wanted from me at that point and it seemed like we were just incompatible. I was willing to work on our relationship, but I knew that a long-distance relationship was not what I wanted and I couldn't pretend otherwise. We technically reconciled that night he initiated the breakup, but he later told me that he thought we were still broken up even though he said he didn't want to break up and wanted to make it work.

I later found out that during our "break up," he became involved with a girl from Sweden. I feel bad for this poor girl because he was very pushy and emotionally needy with her. Despite her expressing discomfort, he persisted in wanting to meet up with her. I am not sure about the extent of their relationship, but he definitely came on strong. When he was in his final months of grad school, he gave her an ultimatum, saying that he would stay with her in Sweden and make things work because he loved her and saw a future with her. However, this offer was only valid for a limited time because if she declined, he would come back to America after grad school, and they may never see each other again. Interestingly enough, he never mentioned me, even though I was the lucky person he planned on returning to!

She ended up getting a boyfriend and turning him down but hoped that things went well for him. And they did go well, cus he had a pretty cushy situation to come back to. The month that he was finishing things up with school he suddenly got a lot more chatty with me. He mostly wanted to be sure that we were on good terms so that he could confirm it was my area he was coming back to. I tried to remind him that it was kinda out of my control, considering all his stuff was being stored at my house and that he’d have to come to take it, whether he wanted to be with me or not.

He managed to book a flight to my location, and I distinctly recall the car ride back with him (my mother and I went to pick him up). During the ride, he commented on the bruises on my knees, insinuating that I had been engaging in oral sex with men while he was away for a year. I found this highly inappropriate, especially since my mother was present. Despite this, he continued to act affectionate towards me as if nothing had occurred and we were still in a happy relationship. It was a strange and uncomfortable experience for me. ...But, I think something worked since we ended up hooking up that night. However, cus of the tension between him and my brother, he couldn't stay at my place for long. My mom allowed him to stay in her office room in her apartment rent-free for the first few months. After that, she started charging him around $500 per month. He didn't have many things, so he was able to fit everything in that room. Additionally, my mom let him use her car to get to work for the entire time he stayed with her. 

After a few months of his return, we finally became an official couple again. However, I had to be the one to initiate and define that boundary. Otherwise, it would have remained ambiguous. The real issue is not that I am suspicious of him cheating, although he did try to find hookups on a business trip to Texas because he felt I wasn't satisfying him enough. This caused a big confrontation because I had to find out for myself, and if I hadn't had evidence, he probably wouldn't have told me. In fact, he initially accused me of making things up. The problem is that he's comfortable with having few boundaries in our relationship, and it's only when I push for them that he acknowledges the need for them.

What truly bothers me is that I've known him for a long time but don't really know everything about him. It's like putting together a puzzle with bits and pieces. He says he doesn't need to know everything about me to love me, but I feel the opposite. It hurts to know that the person I rely on the most doesn't want to know the real me. He's fine with surface-level information, but I want more depth from my partner. It's not crazy to want that, right? He's capable of it too, because he shared his whole life story with that girl in Sweden, but hadn't told me things he shared with her. Is it because I don't deserve to know or is it easier for him to tell a stranger than someone he's committed to? I'm not sure if I'll ever know, but I often ask myself, "What am I waiting for?" I believe in being vulnerable and honest, even though I know that may be too much for some people. I understand and respect people's boundaries, and I never push myself onto others. However, what if there's someone out there who appreciates my depth and intensity? Not everyone can handle it, and I only want to share it with those who are important to me. It's disappointing that my boyfriend, the one person who is supposed to know me inside and out, may not be that person.

My bf and I moved in together almost four months ago. However, the more time we spend together, the more I question if I am worthy of a deep and intimate connection. Although others tell me that I am deserving of such a relationship, it seems irrelevant when the person I desire it from the most does not seem interested. Recently, I confronted my partner about this issue, particularly because I had a terrible week and felt unable to confide in him or rely on his support. Although our relationship appears lighthearted and enjoyable on the surface, there is not much substance to it, and my partner acknowledges this to some extent. Nevertheless, I continue to stay in the relationship because my partner acknowledges the progress I have helped him make and expresses a willingness to change in order to keep me.

Although I'm not about to leave my partner, it's difficult to feel so isolated even when they're right beside me, supposed to be my support. I tend to handle my emotions privately, so if I do become distant or emotional, I worry that my partner will take it the wrong way. It seems that as soon as I have a frown on my face and become nonverbal, my partner immediately complains to a friend about me. I don't do that. This is actually the first time I've opened up about my relationship. I wouldn't even feel comfortable confiding in a close friend because I'm afraid of misinterpreting things or letting my emotions get the best of me. If I ended up giving my friend a bad impression of my partner, it would make me feel terrible. I wouldn't want my friend to write off my partner without knowing the whole story.

He does it frequently, and when I finally read what he said, it made me feel awful. He acknowledges that it was just him being dramatic in the moment, but reducing me to a few snarky comments and insulting descriptions is really painful. Especially because it's coming from someone who claims to love me despite my flaws. But the way he talks about me makes me wonder if there's anything lovable about me at all. I also caught him messaging an OnlyFans model an hour after I went to draw and cry (drawing is how I cope). He said it was harmless, and that he just wanted to be friends with her because they have a lot in common, even though he admitted to masturbating to her content before messaging her.

I feel pretty foolish for crying my eyes out right now. Instead of doing that, I could reach out to some onlyfans models myself and they might be able to cheer me up. But that's beside the point. I'll try to keep most of these emotions to myself and work on learning to love myself instead. I can't rely on someone else to do that for me, as I've been trying to do for too long.

TLDR: How do I help my boyfriend with opening up to me? Is it even worth the effort? Should I stop trying to find a deeper connection in my relationship?

[Batya33]

He's not a partner to you in any way except sexually.  And he treats you like garbage.  Why in the world do you want to go deeper with him? He likely didn't tell you his birthday because he doesn't want you to run a background check on him -have you?

Why are  you settling for such scraps?

[Cherylyn]

You need to seriously eliminate him from your life.  He's just using you for sex. 

[Wiseman2]

18 minutes ago, wellnow said:

I've been in an on-and-off relationship with my boyfriend for almost 3 years

TLDR: How do I help my boyfriend with opening up to me? Is it even worth the effort? 

Sorry this is happening. On/off relationships are fraught with unresolved incompatibilities and conflicts combined with an unhealthy attachment and lack of other opportunities.

Why not take a break from all these headaches and heartaches so you can reflect in peace if someone who's in his own world and marches to his own drummer will ever make you feel connected emotionally.

 

[MissCanuck]

7 hours ago, wellnow said:

Is it even worth the effort?

Nope, absolutely not. He's not into you like that and never has been. It's way past time to end this completely. 

And I would strongly suggest you consider some professional guidance. You lack a backbone and seem to enable him, which I see you Mom did with him as well. You both gave him way too much. Especially for you, a deep-dive into yourself is in order. You would be wise to take a break from dating so you can work on your self-worth. Otherwise, you will continue to chase unavailable men and make choices that go against what you really want, just so you can say you have a boyfriend. That clearly isn't working. 

But out of curiosity, how do you know so much about his relationship with the Swedish woman? Where did you get that information from? 

[1a1a]

That first night where he pushed you into unprotected sex could be the deal breaker if you let it. There’s so many times after that he’s trampled your boundaries and made you feel uncomfortable. This is what this guy does.
 

I think this man might be irreparably selfish (maybe also a narcissist). You know you’re face meltingly lonely with him. And as long as you remain committed to him there will be no space in your life or heart for someone actually worthy. I say dump this guy that routinely makes you feel uncomfortable and spend some time alone before easing into being open to the idea of dating again. (And when you do, give guys the litmus test of at least 3 dates without sex. This isn’t to sex shame at all but it really is an effective way to weed out some of the time wasters. )

[Jaunty]

I couldn't make it to the bitter end, but right away it stood out that you were very passive with him in the relationship and did not stand up for yourself at all.  Things started off on that foot and that set the tone for everything to follow.

I agree with the suggestion that you get into some intensive therapy to learn how to advocate for yourself and develop the kind of relationships that are likely to be reciprocal. This one needs to be firmly put into your past.

[Batya33]

3 hours ago, 1a1a said:

(And when you do, give guys the litmus test of at least 3 dates without sex. This isn’t to sex shame at all but it really is an effective way to weed out some of the time wasters. )

OP - that is some individuals do this -women do this too who I know and know of. I met met men who were pushy about sex (I said no) and I met many men who were interested in dating me, getting to know me, being romantic, passionate, affectionate, sexual - and also very interested in both of us doing all these things at a mutually comfortable pace. 

These were men with strong sex drives as I had too and just like when you strongly desire peanutbutter chocolate cheesecake after a full meal and you decide -it's so delicious and I want it so badly but it will be more delicious and satisfying at the right time -you wait.  Men are individuals. Some individuals prioritize having sex right away.  Some prioritize it over the other individual's comfort level. 

Sometimes you get two people who really want to test chemistry by having intercourse right away while others feel very differently about how to tell if the sexual chemistry is there.  Some individuals have sexual fetishes so they prioritize testing it out ASAP because if the fetish/particular positions/particular sexual technique that's a must for them doesn't work they haven't wasted time.

Please don't buy into these negative generalizations about how men always or even most of the time react to sexual desire by pushing for sex. It's not true.  At all.  This man was pushy and continues to not care a bit about your well being.  

[Batya33]

Also is your mom focused on getting you married off? I had a friend with a daughter a little younger than you who deliberately put blinders on when her daughter was dating a bad guy -meaning he was slick and charming and successful and also very shady/deceitful/bad rep.  She fell for him because she was so young but the mom had a hard time doing the right thing because this man was offering her daughter future marriage/good lifestyle.  Your mom must know you don't even know this guy's birthday and can't she tell that he's not good to you? Or has he charmed her too?

[wellnow]

Sorry, I’m trying to figure out how to respond to comments but have no clue. As for background checks all I’ve done is search his name on google out of curiosity. Nothing bad or significant besides school stuff.
 

The thing is I don’t always feel I’m settling for him, probably because he’s the only person that’s stuck around for so long. I’m very bad at communication (when it comes to text, phone calls, etc) and he’s probably the only person in my life who accepts that and doesn’t berate me for it. I think my bad communication skills is how I ended up feeling isolated in the first place. I don’t have a social circle like most people do. Besides him, my mom and my brother I don’t talk to many others. I’ve known this is a problem and I’ve been working on it by trying to make new friends, and I’ve gotten some progress. 
 

When I asked him why we had to have sex on the first date, he tells me it’s because it was the only way he could feel accepted and like he could open up to me. He said it wasn’t to use me or because all he wanted was sex from me. I can believe that, it’s just in my view I don’t think it’s healthy to have to connect with someone that way. And I don’t think I’ve ever given him indication I would reject him had he opened up to me from the get go. But I tell him it is what it is, I don’t mind putting the past behind me as long as he acknowledges how I felt about it. 

[Batya33]

23 minutes ago, wellnow said:

The thing is I don’t always feel I’m settling for him, probably because he’s the only person that’s stuck around for so long. I’m very bad at communication (when it comes to text, phone calls, etc) and he’s probably the only person in my life who accepts that and doesn’t berate me for it. I think my bad communication skills is how I ended up feeling isolated in the first place. I don’t have a social circle like most people do. Besides him, my mom and my brother I don’t talk to many others. I’ve known this is a problem and I’ve been working on it by trying to make new friends, and I’ve gotten some progress. 

This means you are settling.  If you are bad at communication, work on that -meaning if you really want friendships and relationships become the right person to find the right person so you don't settle for "someone who puts up with me".

[wellnow]

I’m not sure in what way I’m enabling him, because it’s not like he’s abusive. Never any physical abuse or verbal abuse. He’s a very gentle person and always appears calm and put together. That’s why I was so surprised to hear when he had confronted my brother, I thought no way he could do something like that.
 

I agree my mom definitely did a lot for him..things she didn’t have to do. And I feel some guilt because I know she did those things for me. She saw that he really did make me happy for the most part and I know she was just trying to support that. I never wished to drag my family into my relationship, I didn’t want them to be involved if they didn’t want to be. But I didn’t have many options when it came to my bf, considering he didn’t have a place of his own up until now. And I could never afford to move out on my own. Now that he makes a lot more money than me I feel like I’m the one in a cushy situation. He pays most of the rent while I take care of groceries, chores, etc. And pretty much all of the furniture and decorations are mine, as well as all the necessary stuff like cleaning supplies, toiletries, etc. Except he doesn’t really see those as necessities; I really mean it when I say he lives minimally. If I didn’t have a bed he’d be content with us sleeping on the floor. 

When he says he’s scared of me wanting to leave, I look at him like he’s crazy. If I wanted to leave just where would I go? I know for him he’d be just fine now to live on his own. But me, I don’t know *** I would do. The last thing I would want to do is go back to be a burden on my family. I know they’d probably accept me coming back, but I can’t accept myself being a failure. I told them when I left that I was going to make it work no matter what. 
 

[Batya33]

It sounds like you are there for fear of being on your own.  Also pushing someone for sex to that extent is abusive IMO.

[Jaunty]

26 minutes ago, wellnow said:

 

When I asked him why we had to have sex on the first date, he tells me it’s because it was the only way he could feel accepted and like he could open up to me. He said it wasn’t to use me or because all he wanted was sex from me.

Fine.  My question for you is:  Why did YOU have to have sex on the first date?  And not use a condom?  You need to take care of YOURSELF first.  Guys you just meet are not going to do that for you.  Stop expecting it.

[MissCanuck]

3 minutes ago, wellnow said:

I’m not sure in what way I’m enabling him, because it’s not like he’s abusive

You are enabling him by continuing to reward negligent behaviour. You are always there and bending over backwards for him, no matter how dismissive or indifferent he is to you. You don't even know your own boyfriend's birthday. That is really not normal. And yet...you stay and try to give him whatever he wants. 

17 hours ago, wellnow said:

he shared his whole life story with that girl in Sweden, but hadn't told me things he shared with her

Again, how do you know this? 

[Batya33]

6 minutes ago, Jaunty said:

When I asked him why we had to have sex on the first date, he tells me it’s because it was the only way he could feel accepted and like he could open up to me. He said it wasn’t to use me or because all he wanted was sex from me.

Yes- that's about him OP and has nothing to do with caring for you or giving you a thought.  It's also the oldest line in the book -the lame excuse of "this is the only way I  can feel really close to you, person I just met"

[wellnow]

Also I found out about the Swedish girl through my own snooping. I’m not proud of it at all. He leaves his laptop open and it’s on all the time, even now. So I had looked through his discord messages. And it was in my recent confrontation that I brought up all of that, and my only issue on it was that I wanted to know if he what he had told her about his past was the truth. Because compared to what he told me it seemed I only knew an edited and different version of things. But we didn’t really go further into it and I moved on because I could tell it made him uncomfortable. Also just to be clear I’m very open when it comes to my own stuff. He knows the password to my phone, my ipad, and my computer doesn’t even have one. Anytime he wants he can look through them and it doesn’t bother me at all. I felt like if he had access to all those things it would help him be more open with me. I don’t know his passwords though. I only know what I’ve seen on his laptop. His phone I don’t ask to see. And he keeps a physical vault, which he knows I know about but I don’t really care to know what’s in there either. I’d imagine it’s personal stuff like IDs and all that. 

[Batya33]

2 minutes ago, wellnow said:

He knows the password to my phone, my ipad, and my computer doesn’t even have one. Anytime he wants he can look through them and it doesn’t bother me at all. I felt like if he had access to all those things it would help him be more open with me. I don’t know his passwords though. I only know what I’ve seen on his laptop. His phone I don’t ask to see. And he keeps a physical vault, which he knows I know about but I don’t really care to know what’s in there either. I’d imagine it’s personal stuff like IDs and all that. 

Why in the world would you give him your passwords?? Does he then have access to your cash apps/bank accounts? 

Of course he gives people different versions -he won't tell you his birthday so he can make up new identities at will. Please change your passwords and leave this shady and potentially dangerous situation.

No one needs that sort of access to be close to someone. If you want closeness with a healthy person that person will want to see that you have discretion and don't tell all and let it all hang out including your private and personal information.  I don't have my husband's passwords and I have never looked at his phone or any of his devices unless he has asked me to and same.  Now, we probably should have passwords for safety reasons (I think he has my laptop one) but that's because we're married and parents.

If someone tells you he needs or you perceive he needs easy access to your private parts when he barely knows  you and needs you to share your private personal information in this context or you feel it's needed there's something really really concerning going on.

[wellnow]

And you’re right, I’m more disappointed in myself for allowing that first encounter than I am towards him. Which is why I realize finding my own self worth is more important than any relationship will ever be. But it’s hard to admit that, it’s hard to admit that I’ve been in over my head and thought that I could take on more than I could handle. It’s hard to admit defeat. And it’s even crazier because before I got into dating I was the complete opposite. Back then my only goals were to be self reliant. And that letting someone in was foolish at best. Not like I was any healthier then, my self esteem was probably lower than it is now. I think I got addicted to that sense of approval you get from dating. I thought, if someone is interested in me then maybe that means I’m worth something. Maybe I can have self confidence, maybe letting someone in isn’t so bad. My point is the idea of love became intoxicating to me. If I have love, then I don’t need anything else.. But add sex into that mix and it becomes messy. Because sex doesn’t always mean someone loves you. I wish it did though. 

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, wellnow said:

And you’re right, I’m more disappointed in myself for allowing that first encounter than I am towards him. Which is why I realize finding my own self worth is more important than any relationship will ever be. But it’s hard to admit that, it’s hard to admit that I’ve been in over my head and thought that I could take on more than I could handle. It’s hard to admit defeat. And it’s even crazier because before I got into dating I was the complete opposite. Back then my only goals were to be self reliant. And that letting someone in was foolish at best. Not like I was any healthier then, my self esteem was probably lower than it is now. I think I got addicted to that sense of approval you get from dating. I thought, if someone is interested in me then maybe that means I’m worth something. Maybe I can have self confidence, maybe letting someone in isn’t so bad. My point is the idea of love became intoxicating to me. If I have love, then I don’t need anything else.. But add sex into that mix and it becomes messy. Because sex doesn’t always mean someone loves you. I wish it did though. 

So these are all helpful insights and dreams and wishes.  And at this point it's time to take actions to protect yourself and your family. 

End your interactions with this person.

Change all your passwords and if your mom uses the same ones have her do the same.  

You don't have "love" -you have what you perceive are loving feelings.  Loving is giving.  This is not a relationship based on healthy giving to each other.  It's the opposite.  

[wellnow]

Changing passwords is definitely the first thing I will do (just good to do anyway because I haven’t updated them in years). I appreciate the advice and wisdom too. That’s what I needed most cus it’s hard for me to see things objectively. I wont be able to up and leave right away, since it’s gonna be a whole process. Especially now since I’ve moved and my work/livelihood is connected to here, and we have a joint account. But at least I’ll be confident I made the right decision, to make a change. I don’t wanna be one of those people that gets stuck forever though, so it’ll be worth it. 

[Batya33]

36 minutes ago, wellnow said:

Changing passwords is definitely the first thing I will do (just good to do anyway because I haven’t updated them in years). I appreciate the advice and wisdom too. That’s what I needed most cus it’s hard for me to see things objectively. I wont be able to up and leave right away, since it’s gonna be a whole process. Especially now since I’ve moved and my work/livelihood is connected to here, and we have a joint account. But at least I’ll be confident I made the right decision, to make a change. I don’t wanna be one of those people that gets stuck forever though, so it’ll be worth it. 

Today withdraw your $ from the account. Go back and live temporarily with your mom. Don’t use excuses of a “process” - treat it like the emergency it is. Commute to your job and take some leave or medical leave if you can. 

[MissCanuck]

1 hour ago, wellnow said:

I wanted to know if he what he had told her about his past was the truth. Because compared to what he told me it seemed I only knew an edited and different version of things. But we didn’t really go further into it and I moved on because I could tell it made him uncomfortable

This guy sounds very shady, OP. You have no idea if what he told her is the truth, so I would not be quick to assume he didn't also give her an edited version. 

Have you ever met any of his friends or family? 

[wellnow]

no I have not, they are all in Arizona, so wouldn’t be possible anyway. He’s ex-mormon and I think that is a big part of why he’s estranged from them. 

[Batya33]

Just now, wellnow said:

no I have not, they are all in Arizona, so wouldn’t be possible anyway. He’s ex-mormon and I think that is a big part of why he’s estranged from them. 

How do you know this for a fact ?  When he was Mormon was he married ? Is he still ?  Please get yourself out of this situation. So you have a joint account and you’ve never ever FaceTimed or spoken to any of his friends or family ? Do you realize he can steal all your money ?