Am I taking things too serious? (22f) and (26m)

[MissCanuck]

57 minutes ago, wellnow said:

no I have not, they are all in Arizona, so wouldn’t be possible anyway. He’s ex-mormon and I think that is a big part of why he’s estranged from them. 

So he has no friends that you know of either? 

It seems you know zero verifiable information about his past. 

[wellnow]

Oh no I think he left when he was 18 or so, to go to a college far away. No evidence he was ever married. And yes I realize that, but he could’ve stole it for the last 4 months as well, so I doubt he will in the future. Despite his flaws he’s not willing to be scummy like that. And from what he told me about his family I can see why he got away. Firstly because of them forcing their religion on him and also his mom stealing money from him, and never paying it back or apologizing. His dad has also remarried since he left and both his immediate and extended family are huge. I can’t imagine meeting every single one of his brothers, sisters, etc. It’s kinda messed up. I also only deposit part of my money to the joint one, to go to bills and other expenses. So it’s not like all my money is in there. 

[Batya33]

Please tell your mom what you’ve done with the money. Also if he mishandles money your financial or credit standing could be affected. Get the $ out asap - your analysis lacks common sense.  You’re acting on low self esteem and your actions could adversely affect your future in many different ways. 

[1a1a]

Why would you frame ending a relationship as being defeated? 
 

Wouldn’t defeat be staying in a relationship that’s a bad fit?

 

Reading your replies I’m almost convinced nah nah he’s a good egg. We both have to go back to your original post because contained in that is a case study of a partner who’s not good at making you feel safe and loved, who does really selfish things sometimes. (Some of those things are so selfish and harmful, like the sexual coercion, that they should be grounds by themselves to end this union). 
 

Edit to add: and maybe you feel like you have to at least give him a chance to meet your needs, to step up and be a partner in the way you need him to be. So then it is worth having a calm conversation and detailing (no more than) three things you’re struggling with. One could be the birthday date situation. Maybe you tell him it means one thing to you and even so, it means something else to you and it would be reassuring to have him share that information with you. 
 

Another is going to be the sexual coercion. Has this continued to happen through out the whole relationship? That HAS to stop. 100% deal breaker if he doesn’t. 

[MissCanuck]

9 hours ago, wellnow said:

And from what he told me about his family I can see why he got away.

This is where you need to be careful. You have no clue if what he has told you is true. 

Again I will ask, does this man not have any friends at all? 

[Batya33]

9 hours ago, 1a1a said:

Edit to add: and maybe you feel like you have to at least give him a chance to meet your needs, to step up and be a partner in the way you need him to be. So then it is worth having a calm conversation and detailing (no more than) three things you’re struggling with. One could be the birthday date situation. Maybe you tell him it means one thing to you and even so, it means something else to you and it would be reassuring to have him share that information with you. 
 

I would do that after she takes care of the impending risks - get her $ back to her own account/move out even if it means finding temporary room to rent and commuting some so she can afford it, and find a therapist or at least seek out support from her mom and tell her all that is going on.  Change all her passwords.  That to me is far more important than figuring out if this guy is shady or not.  Right now it's high risk shady.  And she's only in her early 20s and this could ruin her financial reputation/risks of identity theft and far worse.  I cringed when she said in 4 months he hasn't stolen her money.  So scary.

When I was in my 20s I was engaged once and had serious relationships.  I never lived with anyone or mingled $ and we were very committed and serious.  She can date him from a position of financial independence, stability and being on her own and see if -when she is on more equal footing -he's ready to fill in all the gaps/resolve all the red flags. And see how she feels then about him pressuring her to have unprotected sex so he can be "close" to her.