Put off by his behaviour. Is this normal?

[Chaeryoung]

We (26F and 25M) met on a dating app and from the first conversation, we connected very well. We talked a lot and continued the next day as well.

He lives in a different city (150 km away) and he said he would come to visit me on the 23rd of April. He said this almost two weeks ago. Then, as it was Easter, he went to visit his parents and stayed with them for a couple of days. He told me he doesn't really like it there and doesn't feel well when he goes home. 

One night we talked and I don't know what happened, but he just left me on read. He reacted with an emoji to one of the things I had said and just left me on read for like 5 or 6 days. I was just turned off by this, as it previously happened to talk to a guy who behaved similarly, as in he was inconsistent. Now I understand that we don't even know each other in real life, but it still felt bad to be left on read for almost a week. 

Yesterday he texted me asking if I still want to meet him this Sunday. I don't know what to say. I have mixed feelings about this. 

Please share your views.

[Coily]

What kind of meet up is planned?

If you think that he's inconsistent, there is nothing that will shake you of this feeling now that it is rooted in your mind. Everything he does will be suspect. As you two are still virtually strangers, if he isn't acting in a way that you like; then move on.

[Chaeryoung]

1 minute ago, Coily said:

What kind of meet up is planned?

He wants to come to my hometown to see each other. 

[Coily]

1 minute ago, Chaeryoung said:

He wants to come to my hometown to see each other. 

Just gut reaction, what do you think about that?

[Chaeryoung]

At first, I was enthusiastic about it because I felt we connected very well. Now I just don't know. I have mixed feelings.

[Batya33]

From an old lady - technology wise - sometimes the “read” notification doesn’t mean they read it. I sent my dear friend an important text about our family and saw it was read. The next day she texted very concerned and said she’d just seen it.

I’m pretty sure I’ve clicked on texts without reading and forgotten to look again. 
id meet him since he’s traveling to your hometown to do so.  How easy would it be to see him regularly if you two like each other?

[Wiseman2]

11 minutes ago, Chaeryoung said:

He wants to come to my hometown to see each other. 

If you are still interested, he's doing the driving so if you want to meet up, why not?

Keep in mind you're both still talking to and meeting others, so communication patterns haven't been established. 

If this lag in communication turns you off, then let him know asap that you've changed your mind. 

[boltnrun]

29 minutes ago, Chaeryoung said:

He wants to come to my hometown to see each other. 

He doesn't expect to visit you at your home or stay overnight at your home, does he?

[Kwothe28]

You asked something and he didnt responded or he just reacted to some of your message and finished conversation? I ask because when they just react to something they think conversation is over and that is it. Its kinda different if you asked something because  then he didnt respond, but if you didnt, he probably just thought conversation is over.

Its up to you if you want to see him. Does he coming because of some kind of job he has in town or just to see you?

[Cherylyn]

I would wait until you see him in person if you have these types of puzzling questions.  Have a calm discussion and find out if his answers are satisfactory to you.  No sense trying to figure him out.  Have a talk and see where it goes.  Then make your determination whatever it will be.

[smackie9]

You haven't met yet, not even dating so he doesn't owe you much in the way of communication except for setting up a date and time for your first meet/date. Just go on the date, and reassess from there. 

[smackie9]

Just a tip, texting, etc shouldn't be counted as time spent together. The real proof is in the actual dates. 

[Sindy_0311]

You should know something about online dating. You are just a name and a photo as long as you haven’t met the guy. No interest from his part, no real connection, no feelings…. I mean, I text with many guys, sometimes we leave the conversation and reach out days later, doesn’t mean we are not interested anymore. To be honest, I’m not interested in any of theses guys, I’m am only interested in guys I meet, and even so…

Yesterday I had a date with a guy I talked on FaceTime with. I was pretty sure I was attracted to him, but when I saw him, I just was like, this not the same person. He was shorter than he mentionned and skinny, he looked way older than on FaceTime, so I ended the date early. You can never know whether you are attracted to someone until you see them for real. 

Also consider that this guy surely texts with other girls, they all do… you are not his girlfriend, he doesn’t know you and doesn’t owe you anything. if he is coming to your hometown, make sure he doesn’t plan to stay at your place overnight. If he does, you know there’s no serious potential. Once he had what he wanted, no chance he will come back 150 km just to see you IMO.

Prospect for guys closer to your hometown, my advice. Good luck anyway with this one… 

[Batya33]

5 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

You can never know whether you are attracted to someone until you see them for real. 

For me looks often were the least of the reason.  I needed to see the person's body language/energy and how he treated me and people around him.  Like waitstaff, strangers, etc.  Did he make space for people, hold the door for people, offer his seat on a bus or train if that was the situation, did he walk and sit with good posture and sit in an approachable way while we were talking? Good eye contact? Did he arrive on time or apologize if not? Etc.

[boltnrun]

I dated a man who very strongly resembled a famous, well known and popular sex symbol type actor. But he was a misogynistic, egotistical, bigoted, offensive oaf. For example, one time we were eating at a restaurant and an interracial couple walked past. He proceeded to stare at them, even turning all the way around to watch them, then loudly said "Now, that really bothers me" because it was a White woman with a Black man. I wanted to slink under the table. He also told me "You're the first Mexican I've ever been around who wasn't holding a leaf blower." I mean, really?

My friends told me I was nuts when I dumped him because he was "Sooooooo good looking!!" I said "Fine, then YOU date him!" His looks were cancelled out by his awful personality and behaviors. 

But I do agree that meeting in person SAFELY is the best way to gauge attraction. 

[Sindy_0311]

23 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

For me looks often were the least of the reason.  I needed to see the person's body language/energy and how he treated me and people around him.  Like waitstaff, strangers, etc.  Did he make space for people, hold the door for people, offer his seat on a bus or train if that was the situation, did he walk and sit with good posture and sit in an approachable way while we were talking? Good eye contact? Did he arrive on time or apologize if not? Etc.

I totally agree. When I met the guy yesterday I was a bit disappointed but wanted to know him anyway, discover his personality, as for me looks is not that important. But I didn’t like his gestures, his walk, and his conversation was boring… so 🤷‍♀️

A guy can look good and be interesting, but if he has a poor conversation, doesn’t show confident body langage or is rude to other people, it’s a turn off. 

[catfeeder]

On 4/20/2023 at 1:30 PM, boltnrun said:

He doesn't expect to visit you at your home or stay overnight at your home, does he?

I second this question. Would this be a day trip for him where he meets you in a public place, or does he expect to visit your home?

If home, hell no! I'd say that about any stranger regardless of the text ghosting.

[Chaeryoung]

So we met, I showed him the city, we had lunch, we had a good time and later in the evening he took the train back. From this pov, everything was alright. He told me he had a great time and we chatted afterwards through messages. 

 

[Wiseman2]

6 minutes ago, Chaeryoung said:

 He told me he had a great time and we chatted afterwards through messages. 

It's good you met and had a nice time. Do you like him in person?

Do you want to go out with him again? Has he suggested that?

[Chaeryoung]

1 minute ago, Wiseman2 said:

It's good you met and had a nice time. Do you like him in person?

Do you want to go out with him again? Has he suggested that?

Yes, I like him. He seems to be a sensitive person. Yes, he suggested seeing one another next week when I have to travel to his city to solve something work-related. I used to work in that city but I resigned and for the time being I am living in my hometown. 

I am a bit pessimistic about things due to distance to be honest.

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, Chaeryoung said:

Yes, I like him. He seems to be a sensitive person. Yes, he suggested seeing one another next week when I have to travel to his city to solve something work-related. I used to work in that city but I resigned and for the time being I am living in my hometown. 

I am a bit pessimistic about things due to distance to be honest.

Are you willing and able to invest the time in traveling so you can see each other regularly? Sounds like a nice first meet.  Many people are sensitive -I'd say most - very often a very good trait!

[Chaeryoung]

On 4/24/2023 at 1:58 PM, Batya33 said:

Are you willing and able to invest the time in traveling so you can see each other regularly? Sounds like a nice first meet.  Many people are sensitive -I'd say most - very often a very good trait!

I would be willing and he sent me the same energy, but then again, he hasn't reached out neither yesterday, nor today. I might be really bad at texting as well because I am afraid he will answer after many hours like he used to. Also, when we met, he told me among other things that he had been in a 6 year relationship that ended a few months ago, so I am a bit worried he is not over her. I didn't ask him if he is or not, but yeah. 

[Batya33]

19 minutes ago, Chaeryoung said:

I would be willing and he sent me the same energy, but then again, he hasn't reached out neither yesterday, nor today. I might be really bad at texting as well because I am afraid he will answer after many hours like he used to. Also, when we met, he told me among other things that he had been in a 6 year relationship that ended a few months ago, so I am a bit worried he is not over her. I didn't ask him if he is or not, but yeah. 

Sounds like he might not be interested in getting together again.  I'm sorry!

[Chaeryoung]

3 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Sounds like he might not be interested in getting together again.  I'm sorry!

These are my thoughts as well. Usually, being confused regarding another person's intentions means they are not interested. Been there before. 

[Chaeryoung]

10 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Sounds like he might not be interested in getting together again.  I'm sorry!

I also expect him (according to his texting habits) to text me later in the week and I don't really know how to handle such situations. Someone being inconsistent makes me very uncomfortable and I don't even know if it's worth voicing my feelings about the matter. Of course, in case he will contact me again.