[M 29] Had tearful breakup with long distance partner [F 27] over a phone call

[Guardian452]

About six months ago, I came across someone incredibly wonderful on Instagram. She followed me as we had a mutual follower and I followed back thinking she was cool and not thinking much of it within that moment. A few days later, I replied to her story as I saw that she went to see a band in her hometown that I was supposed to be seeing that evening. We started a conversation from there and quickly discovered we had an awful lot in common. After a couple of weeks of talking, I realised that I had pretty strong feelings for her, and then after a month of talking we both confessed our feelings to each other. Following a few 5-6 hour video calls over the next few months, I went to visit her for a weekend in January where we became a couple.

Then cut to yesterday. Following an incredibly lovely five days together, we have an incredibly tearful phone call together which effectively ended the relationship. She felt because we were long distance, things got way more intense and passionate than she was expecting to and she wasn't ready for that due to lingering baggage from her emotional abusive ex of 9 years who she broke up with about a year ago after finding out he cheated on her.

She made it incredibly clear her decision was nothing to do with me and that I don't need to change anything about myself and that she did love and care about me a lot, and that she does want to be friends once we're both ready for it. However, she doesn't want that friendship to have the expectation of getting back into a relationship hanging over it.

This is such a bittersweet experience. I've never had a relationship that was this loving and nurturing where I've loved someone so honestly and purely and received the same love in return, so I'm glad that I got to have this relationship as we both would have regretted not giving things a go. However, I'm pretty sad that things had to end as I do care about her a lot and really imagined us having a future together.

It feels like I came across the right person at the wrong time - she embodied everything I want from a relationship. We vibed really well together, she was understanding of the difficulties I have due to being autistic, we have similar values/ethics, and she's accepting of the fact that I'm vegetarian and don't drink (the latter being something she also didn't partake in).

Obviously I'm not in a state to date anyone at the moment - I need to find the time to work through this pain as much as it hurts and it wouldn't be fair to drag another person into this. However, I've been thinking about how long it took me to find someone I felt that drawn to and am already dreading having to wade through endless conversations on dating apps that just go nowhere like I did before we met.

I feel like I've lost my third love (if we go by the three loves theory) and that I'm not going to find anyone who I love as much as her and need to settle for "second best".

 

Is there hope for me to find the happiness I seek?

[MissCanuck]

26 minutes ago, Guardian452 said:

if we go by the three loves theory

I have no idea what this is, but I hope it's not some random belief that we only get three "loves" in a lifetime. That certainly has not been my experience. 

I am very sorry for your pain, though. It's disappointing when we meet someone we really like, who just can't give us what we hoped for. But that doesn't mean it's all over for you. And it doesn't have to be all OLD. How's your social life? Are you giving yourself other opportunities to meet women face-to-face? 

[Kwothe28]

32 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

I have no idea what this is, but I hope it's not some random belief that we only get three "loves" in a lifetime.

Its exactly that lol

Anyway, some people fall in love many times. Thinking that you found somebody perfect for yourself but that its just been "wrong time" is also something you look through "rose colored glasses". Its clear that she didnt expected anything more then a fling. And that she has issues that dont make her a suitable partner at all. She is far from perfect partner for anyone. Not just at this moment, maybe even in general. So its not wrong time. Its completely wrong person for you. Maybe in time you manage to accept that. But for now go "no contact". Dont accept friendship as an option. You need to move on from all of this and she will just get in a way of that if she is there even as a friend.

[Batya33]

You spent five days with someone. You’ve owned pairs of socks much longer. And know them better. I understand you had a friendship before online but you had romantic motives. That time wasn’t relevant to your compatibility as a couple. You weren’t yet a couple after five days. Many people bow out after five days especially if distance is an obstacle. Also she knew about her ex before she met you and decided to meet you. Most people choose the person over fear or past baggage or choose not to meet if they know they’re not ready.
 I’m sorry you’re disappointed!!

[Guardian452]

2 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

I have no idea what this is, but I hope it's not some random belief that we only get three "loves" in a lifetime. That certainly has not been my experience. 

I am very sorry for your pain, though. It's disappointing when we meet someone we really like, who just can't give us what we hoped for. But that doesn't mean it's all over for you. And it doesn't have to be all OLD. How's your social life? Are you giving yourself other opportunities to meet women face-to-face? 

https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&url=https://poosh.com/three-loves-theory/&ved=2ahUKEwiQkP2DkrH-AhUGAsAKHSp8CIEQFnoECAsQAQ&usg=AOvVaw3q1I9Jyd7IrlTNlDGRmT72

 

It's this theory here. I'd already experienced the first two (once at 17 and then the second at 23/24) and the third sounds exactly like the bond we had.

I'm very introverted but I do go to gigs fairly regularly and play in a band myself, and go to the cinema and the occasional comic con. I'm not currently in the headspace to meet anyone new but also don't want to have to fake interests etc under the pretence that I might meet someone.

[Guardian452]

1 hour ago, Kwothe28 said:

Its exactly that lol

Anyway, some people fall in love many times. Thinking that you found somebody perfect for yourself but that its just been "wrong time" is also something you look through "rose colored glasses". Its clear that she didnt expected anything more then a fling. And that she has issues that dont make her a suitable partner at all. She is far from perfect partner for anyone. Not just at this moment, maybe even in general. So its not wrong time. Its completely wrong person for you. Maybe in time you manage to accept that. But for now go "no contact". Dont accept friendship as an option. You need to move on from all of this and she will just get in a way of that if she is there even as a friend.

I do see your point, but she was very clear about how much she did love me and even yesterday on the phone said it was impossible for her not to fall in love with me. What I mean is if she didn't have this baggage (she's over him but has a lot of insecurities surrounding how he treated her) then things would have been fine, but she needs to work through it alone.

 

We're giving each other space as we both agreed we couldn't be friends right out of the gate and would need to start things from scratch, so she said she wasn't going to message me until I'm ready to do so.

[Guardian452]

55 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

You spent five days with someone. You’ve owned pairs of socks much longer. And know them better. I understand you had a friendship before online but you had romantic motives. That time wasn’t relevant to your compatibility as a couple. You weren’t yet a couple after five days. Many people bow out after five days especially if distance is an obstacle. Also she knew about her ex before she met you and decided to meet you. Most people choose the person over fear or past baggage or choose not to meet if they know they’re not ready.
 I’m sorry you’re disappointed!!

The five days I mentioned was the most recent time we met up - we also spent two weekends together (once at hers and another at mine) and we also had plenty of virtual dates in between visits as well as phone calla etc where we were both very open about how we felt about each other.

[Batya33]

6 minutes ago, Guardian452 said:

The five days I mentioned was the most recent time we met up - we also spent two weekends together (once at hers and another at mine) and we also had plenty of virtual dates in between visits as well as phone calla etc where we were both very open about how we felt about each other.

Yes. So you dated in person for about 10 days. No I wouldn’t count the virtual dates as far as how you consider this to be an LTR.  It’s just not. I realize it feels that way. You chose to get attached through typing and talking. She freaked out from spending time in person and very quickly realized that it wasn’t a good match for her for whatever reason whether because she chose fear over being close or told herself she was triggered by her past relationships etc. 

No need to fake interests. Instead of try to expand your world if your goal is an LTR. Most long term healthy relationships require a lot of coming out of a comfort zone and trying new things.  I’m living proof. 
I’d use the falling in love 3 times perspective as a way to excuse yourself from putting yourself out there. It’s made up but it’s a way to rationalize not being open to meeting people.  
Again I’m sorry you’re disappointed. 

[boltnrun]

Spending ten days together in person and the rest of the time communicating over electronic devices is not love. It's infatuation with the idea of falling in love.

There seems to be a lot of that in recent years with people preferring electronic communication over real life interaction, and people deliberately choosing people who live far away to attach themselves to. It's an attempt to avoid rejection and getting hurt, which as you've found doesn't actually work as a substitute for real, in person relationships. 

I'm sorry you're feeling such pain. In time you'll be ready to get back out there and meet people in person. 

And that "theory" you quoted has no basis in reality. It's just someone's presumption. 

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, Guardian452 said:

Is there hope for me to find the happiness I seek?

Sorry this happened but between her self admitted baggage and the distance, it seems like she didn't see it working out despite good chemistry.

You're disappointed of course, so take some time off to regroup.

You know you're capable of clicking with people and it will happen again when you're ready.

[MissCanuck]

2 hours ago, Guardian452 said:

https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&url=https://poosh.com/three-loves-theory/&ved=2ahUKEwiQkP2DkrH-AhUGAsAKHSp8CIEQFnoECAsQAQ&usg=AOvVaw3q1I9Jyd7IrlTNlDGRmT72

It's this theory here. I'd already experienced the first two (once at 17 and then the second at 23/24) and the third sounds exactly like the bond we had.

I don't personally buy into this sort of thing. 

Life is too complicated and nuanced to fit neatly into a theory like this, and my own life experience doesn't support it anyway. Please don't hang on to random concepts like this. They're generally without any solid basis. 

While you two had a nice time, 10 days spent together in person is not enough to form the basis of deep love. Digital romance is not the same as offline, real-life quality time. I don't mean to minimize your feelings but rather to urge you not to get too swept away in the future. 

2 hours ago, Guardian452 said:

I'm not currently in the headspace to meet anyone new but also don't want to have to fake interests etc under the pretence that I might meet someone.

No, and I'm not suggesting you rush back into dating nor pretend to have interests that you don't. But you will need to someday get back out there again, and I would suggest trying to meet women in person rather than online, if you find that experience frustrating. 

[Jibralta]

6 hours ago, Guardian452 said:

Is there hope for me to find the happiness I seek?

Not if you insist on believing the "Three Loves Theory!"

I really hope you abandon that idea--You're setting yourself up for failure before you even begin!

[Wiseman2]

19 hours ago, Guardian452 said:

. Following an incredibly lovely five days together, we have an incredibly tearful phone call together which effectively ended the relationship. She felt because we were long distance, things got way more intense and passionate than she was expecting 

Unfortunately LDRs rarely work out for the reasons you mentioned. You had a great 5 days together, but other than that, the relationship wasn't viable.

So although you're disappointed that it didn't work out, it certainly wasn't the love of your life.

Date locally so you can get to know someone through regular in-person dating and develop a realistic sense of how viable and desirable a dating situation is.

Try not to get caught up in "the one that got away", especially since LDRs often include filling the voids with a fantasy about who they really are.

[Guardian452]

2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Unfortunately LDRs rarely work out for the reasons you mentioned. You had a great 5 days together, but other than that, the relationship wasn't viable.

So although you're disappointed that it didn't work out, it certainly wasn't the love of your life.

Date locally so you can get to know someone through regular in-person dating and develop a realistic sense of how viable and desirable a dating situation is.

Try not to get caught up in "the one that got away", especially since LDRs often include filling the voids with a fantasy about who they really are.

I tried that before we met. I was on dating apps for a few years but found most the conversations I had were going nowhere and was burned out from that. However I was also perfectly content being by myself at the time which of course was when she entered my life.

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, Guardian452 said:

I tried that before we met. I was on dating apps for a few years but found most the conversations I had were going nowhere and was burned out from that. However I was also perfectly content being by myself at the time which of course was when she entered my life.

No one enters your life in that way unless you permit the person to.  I also had dating website burnout at times. I get it.  I'm glad you felt content being without a romantic relationship.  This could be a sign that you are less content at this point and perhaps you can figure out ways to meet more people.  I'm sorry this didn't work out.  

[boltnrun]

5 hours ago, Guardian452 said:

found most the conversations I had were going nowhere

Instead of trying to have extended "conversations" over electronic devices with women whose dating profiles you find interesting, how about exchanging a few brief messages and then suggesting meeting for coffee?