How to make the healthy decision for me in my relationships?

[Makinghealthydecision]

I'm in a situation where I feel like I'm being pulled in 2 different directions.

My boyfriend wants more from me (like living together) but I told him I wasn't ready yet and he understands but "hopes" I'll be ready in the coming year. We've been dating about 20 months.

I do love my boyfriend and he loves me but I don't know what the future holds (nor does anyone else).

My adult kids are pulling me in a different direction and that's to be unattached. Even though they both say they want me to be happy and I've explained I'm lonely after losing their dad/my husband more than 10 years ago, they seem to always criticize who I date and tell me why they're not a good person or not right for me. I do hear them since they are outside of the relationship but also know they are being possessive out of anxiety of losing me. I've assured them that they will always be my priority.

I'm getting real grief from one of my kids about my current relationship saying "he's boring" and "he doesn't have manners and doesn't say thank you when he should." Also, I hear he's selfish because he didn't visit me when I was feeling unwell (I have been having issues getting sick for the last 6 months on and off and the doctors can't figure it out. I am ok for a while and then I can get sick for several days or a week). While sometimes this may be true, I did say something to my boyfriend about this concern (of course, not using those words and not saying it came from my family) and it seems he is trying to improve his ways and give me more attention. Now my boyfriend does offer to help/visit me if I'm not feeling well but I'd rather not have him here so I don't get him sick (which I did during my last episode last month) and I'd just prefer to be alone.

I know at the end it's my decision but it takes a lot of energy from me to be in this situation. I'm totally worn out because of getting unwell from time to time and then when I do feel better, I feel guilty about seeing my boyfriend. My kids say he should always come to me and I shouldn't run to him on any regular basis especially since my health has been touch and go. We live about 40 miles apart.

What is the best way to approach this situation? I am going to a new doctor to see if they can find out why I'm going through this health issue but I've been to many doctors and so far, no one can figure it out. I'm starting to wonder if the emotional pressure is getting to me. All I want to do is sleep/stay in bed and then have sore throats and headaches.

[Jaunty]

Your health needs to come first, and YOU need to come first.  You spent most of your post here talking about what your adult kids think and want; you also mention what the BF wants.  Very little about what YOU need or want.

Don't allow yourself to be "pulled" anywhere.  Try to get some solitude to get clear about what you really want with this boyfriend.  Communicate clearly with him about it. 

Get boundaries in place with your kids.  Sounds like they've expressed themselves fully about your relationship.  It's ok for you to let them know that you are not available to listen to any further badmouthing of your BF.  You can use words like "I appreciate your concern for my well being and thank you for sharing your opinion, I will keep that in mind" and then stop engaging about it. 

But, again, you need to get to the bottom of what is going on with your health.  

[Wiseman2]

It's clear why your exhausted,and good you are following up. He's looking for a lonely widow with assets and your adult children see this.

Listen to your adult children. They've been warning you about this man and his pressure for you to pay his rent and buy him a house. 

[catfeeder]

I think we see a version of this question on here about once a week. You might want to do some keyword searches, because you might find some of the responses helpful.

With a 40 mile drive and one partner chronically unwell, I would find it odd if the healthy partner didn't assume most of the effort to make those drives for visits.

With a 40 mile distance and living together being a goal, I'd need to hammer out the location of where 'we' would live, and it would need to be optimal for me, or no-go.

I'd also rent out rather than sell my current home. On a month-to-month rather than an annual lease.

I would NOT co-mingle finances. I'd come up with a written contribution agreement that does not put my financial future at the risk of whether my relationship works out. We would share one 'Ours' account where we each contribute to shared expenses with a percentage formula based on income.

I would either consider rent a shared expense, or if I moved into a home that he purchased, I would pay him rent based on the percentage formula above, but I would NOT purchase new property with a partner. If we live together successfully for a number of years, that could change, bt I would not enter into a shared property arrangement without that proof of success.

Gaining clarity on the above would resolve a lot of stress, which might help alleviate the health condition.

I would not view this as a kids-versus-partner situation, but rather, I'd view it as ME caring for ME. And nobody else, including the BF, would get a vote about that.

 

[lostandhurt]

My guess is your continued health problems are stress related.  Stress can be a huge factor in your physical health.

 Only you can decide if this man is good for you, good to you and is a positive in your life or not.  Guessing at his motives for wanting to move in with you or you move in with him is just that a guess.

 It sounds like your grown children haven't liked any of the men since their father.  Not surprising but they need to not be so selfish and they certainly should support their mothers life which should include companionship if that is what you want.  Don't they think you are smart enough to make your own choices?  Don't they trust your judgement?  Don't they want you to be happy?  Don't they want you to find love again?

  Put aside what everyone else says or wants for your life and make choices on what YOU want for your life.  If you have reservations about this man then explore them and decide if you should stay in the relationship but once the choice is made you need to make it clear to your children if they cannot support your choice then they should simply not comment on it ever again.

As far as your bf and living together goes.  Tell him that you like the independence of having your own home and you don't want him pressuring you to move in together. If that is a deal breaker for him then he can leave the relationship.  Basically put your foot down with all of them and do what is best for you and only you.

You are stressed out trying to make everyone else happy instead of consecrating on your happiness.

Lost

[SooSad33]

2 hours ago, Makinghealthydecision said:

My adult kids are pulling me in a different direction and that's to be unattached. Even though they both say they want me to be happy and I've explained I'm lonely after losing their dad/my husband more than 10 years ago, they seem to always criticize who I date and tell me why they're not a good person or not right for me. I do hear them since they are outside of the relationship but also know they are being possessive out of anxiety of losing me. I've assured them that they will always be my priority.

Yeah, this seriously needs to stop!  Have they ever been in grief counselling or you, after your loss?  Maybe they're tooo fearful about mom 😕 . Because after it being 10 yrs and they're adults now - this should not be such an issue.

 

 

2 hours ago, Jaunty said:

Don't allow yourself to be "pulled" anywhere.  Try to get some solitude to get clear about what you really want with this boyfriend.  Communicate clearly with him about it. 

Get boundaries in place with your kids.  Sounds like they've expressed themselves fully about your relationship.  It's ok for you to let them know that you are not available to listen to any further badmouthing of your BF. 

I agree here...

THEY need to learn to respect your decisions about YOUR life. And just leave it be. Yes, respectful boundaries. Mom is an adult, mom can and will decide 😉 .

 

As for the whole scenario, I wonder how YOU truly feel. I hope you are not feeling pushed into making decisions with this guy re: moving with him, etc. He should be okay enough that you two are dating and if you admit you're not quite there, he backs off & leaves it alone .... right? As that is a big move and adjustment for you all.

As for YOU, for sure your health is also a priority.  How about a weekend away with a friend to 'de-stress' now and then?  Go out with friends for a meal, a hair cut, etc.  Make sure your life isn't always revolving around these other needy tyrants 😉 .  Mom counts here too! ( Because, yeah, Stress does affect one's body & mind).

 

[Cherylyn]

Do what you want.  If you're not ready to move in together with him,  then don't. 

Your adult kids said he's boring,  doesn't have manners nor says "thank you" when he should.  If he's boring and doesn't have manners,  it's your decision whether or not his behavior is acceptable to you. 

He was selfish not to visit you while you were unwell.  However, you prefer not to have him visit you due to contagion.  What does he do for you otherwise?  Leave meals on your doorstep?  Call you?  Ask how you are?   Give you "I'm thinking of you" type gifts (online / postal mail / doorstep)?  How does he care for you when you're unwell? 

As for driving back 'n forth to see each other,  is it fair?  Do you do the majority of driving or is it equal?  Is this arrangement acceptable to you or do you prefer balance?

The best way to approach this situation is to live your own life.  Your grown adult children should mind their own business.  Listen to their input if it's alarming but ultimately, it's your decision to be with your boyfriend and whatever you're willing to tolerate.