Relationship spiral- to stay or go?

[brightspot]

I (32f) and my boyfriend (38m) have been together for almost three years. We were friends and then fwb for about a year and a year respectively. 

 

I'm used to long term relationships- my only two previous to him being a 6 year long relationship that ended from me being cheated on and a 10 year relationship that ended mutually.

 

He's got a bit of a past. Has a child in the void out there that he doesn't have rights to- born from him cheating on a previous girlfriend.

 

We spent a long time in the beginning talking about how he wished for a blank slate. A start over. And someone who could accept him with the mistakes he's made. I gathered my courage and feelings and we started dating.

 

The first year was pretty good. Sex fairly often, going out on dates, active together. By year two that had completely stopped. Our sex life died. I approached him to communicate and we talked and cried and struggled. He started dealing with ED- difficult conversations. Are you bored with me? No? Working through it slowly with no improvement. Tried ED meds. It took about a year to go through 10 pills...he just has no willingness to make things better.

 

I've tried being as supportive and kind and loving as I can while expressing my needs for both physical and emotional intimacy and he assures me he is 100% happy and he is only unhappy because I am unhappy.

 

But when he isn't talking to me. He's talking to others. And won't say who. Just assures me he isn't cheating. My last resort here is to just tell him I'm completely uncomfortable with that. I don't really know what else to do.

 

We thought my job may have been the issue so I found another job. The issues have gotten worse even though our schedules match better.

 

Advice? Perspective? I'm just happy to talk into the void. If you've actually read this, thank you.

[Cherylyn]

You stopped me at "cheating."  My perspective is you're better off without him.  You can do better.  He doesn't sound like a winner.   

[Wiseman2]

30 minutes ago, brightspot said:

 Our sex life died. He's talking to others. And won't say who. 

Sorry this is happening. Do you live together? Why would your job be "an issue"?  Are you concerned his the lack of intimacy is related to his "talking to others"?

Reflect if you want to keep trying to make it work with someone who doesn't seem to fulfill your relationship needs. 

 

[brightspot]

10 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. Do you live together? Why would your job be "an issue"?  Are you concerned his the lack of intimacy is related to his "talking to others"?

Reflect if you want to keep trying to make it work with someone who doesn't seem to fulfill your relationship needs. 

 

We don't live together. I was working a salaried position with pretty grueling hours. 

At this point yes. I am concerned that he is emotionally cheating on me at the minimum- which I have communicated directly to him. He acknowledged how I felt, and I said that even just giving me a heads up on who some of the incoming dings were from would help. I do this for him and he sometimes inquires about mine. But he hasn't returned the favor. 

Thank you for your input. I'm just trying to see if there are any stones I've left unturned.

[brightspot]

41 minutes ago, Cherylyn said:

You stopped me at "cheating."  My perspective is you're better off without him.  You can do better.  He doesn't sound like a winner.   

It's pretty difficult when you want to give someone a chance to start over and just see the flags coming up one after another. Thank you for your input.

[Cherylyn]

1 minute ago, brightspot said:

It's pretty difficult when you want to give someone a chance to start over and just see the flags coming up one after another. Thank you for your input.

Thank you for your kind words @brightspot.  I can see giving someone a chance to start over or forgive them if the offense was minor and petty.  If the offense was major such as cheating,  lying or accusing you of lying when you didn't lie,  deceives you,  betrays you, steals or along those lines of transgressions,  trust is truly dead.  Without trust,  there is nothing left in the relationship because the relationship is dead.  (This applies to all relationships, friendships, etc.)

Forgive and forget?  Forgive means to move on even if it means to move on without the perpetrator in your life.  Forgive means not to hold grudges, don't wish ill will but keep moving forward with your life.  Forget?  Never. 

Think logically and do what makes sense.  Treat yourself with respect by being kind to yourself.  Don't be with anyone who doesn't treat you as if you matter.  If a person doesn't treat you with respect, they're not worth remaining in your life.  They haven't earned the right to be in your life.  They don't deserve to be in your life.  Think along those terms and it will all make sense to you.

[Wiseman2]

6 minutes ago, brightspot said:

. I am concerned that he is emotionally cheating on me at the minimum

It's good you don't live together. Even without the secretive conversations, the lack of intimacy alone is something to reconsider the viability of relationship.  

[MissCanuck]

22 minutes ago, brightspot said:

It's pretty difficult when you want to give someone a chance to start over

Life doesn't work like that, though. 

"Starting over" (in this situation)  is nothing but an immature way of not taking real accountability for his past choices. Just because he says he's "starting over" doesn't mean he doesn't still have a child who doesn't know their dad. It doesn't mean he's learned from his poor decisions in the past. It doesn't mean anything other than he doesn't want to do the real work on making ammends and growing. It's a metaphorical rug-sweep. 

The proof? He's being secretive about who he is talking to. So what has he really "started over" with? He's repeating past behaviour, apparently. And your intimacy has gone down the drain. It took a long time to even officially date. But it's not working. I would be done. This isn't a relationship worth saving. 

[gamon]

10 hours ago, brightspot said:

born from him cheating on a previous girlfriend

But when he isn't talking to me. He's talking to others. And won't say who. Just assures me he isn't cheating.

He has a history of cheating. His actions define him. Whatever you do please know that his words are meaningless. If you choose to stick it out longer you really oughta do some digging and not tip him off to any suspicions until you know beyond the shadow of a doubt.

[Cherylyn]

@brightspot  Correction:  Never be with a person who treats you as if you don't matter otherwise you're just wasting your life on them. 

[Tinydance]

Could you give more information about what other people he's talking to or you think he's talking to? Do you have proof he's talking to other women or you noticed particular signs? The way I see it, if you noticed something in particular he's doing which points to some form of cheating, then yeah that's not good. But if you haven't actually noticed anything specific or found anything then do you think it's just that you don't trust him?

It's just that if you wanted to give him a chance even though you knew he cheated in the past, then I think you do need to put it in the past. If you're actually not comfortable dating a cheater deep down then maybe you shouldn't be dating him.

I'm actually not saying that anyone has to be fine with a past cheater. But if you did decide to date him then I don't think it's healthy to keep suspecting him all the time. Like, if you wanted to allow him to have a blank slate and start over then you need to actually do that. Again, I don't actually know what you found or noticed so that's why I asked you to give more information.

[Jibralta]

16 hours ago, brightspot said:

It's pretty difficult when you want to give someone a chance to start over

Let's pretend that you actually do possess the power to hit the Reset button and make his past irrelevant. How many times do you plan to hit that button for him? Are you going to erase his past every time:

• you're disappointed by his lack of affection towards you?
• he neglects to spend time with you?
• he chooses not to communicate with you?
• he proves that he doesn't want to make things better?
• he blames you for his unhappiness?
• you catch him secretly talking to others?
• he makes you uncomfortable?
• you switch jobs and turn your life upside down to make him happy?

What you've actually done is turn a blind eye to your boyfriend's past. And you're turning a blind eye to his present. And your own.

Stop doing that. Pay attention. 

[brightspot]

7 hours ago, Tinydance said:

Could you give more information about what other people he's talking to or you think he's talking to? Do you have proof he's talking to other women or you noticed particular signs? The way I see it, if you noticed something in particular he's doing which points to some form of cheating, then yeah that's not good. But if you haven't actually noticed anything specific or found anything then do you think it's just that you don't trust him?

It's just that if you wanted to give him a chance even though you knew he cheated in the past, then I think you do need to put it in the past. If you're actually not comfortable dating a cheater deep down then maybe you shouldn't be dating him.

I'm actually not saying that anyone has to be fine with a past cheater. But if you did decide to date him then I don't think it's healthy to keep suspecting him all the time. Like, if you wanted to allow him to have a blank slate and start over then you need to actually do that. Again, I don't actually know what you found or noticed so that's why I asked you to give more information.

Yeah, hes in touch with people that he cheated with. And when asked to present who he is talking to today he hid those particular people. So I may have found my answer 🤷‍♀️