HOW do I stop judging myself for having a casual sex relationship?

[ThisisMyName103]

Okay, a few things to know about me.

• I was NOT raised in a religious/conservative home, but I was homeschooled for a number of years and had parents who were still strict with my dating life, if not controlling.
• I was a (kissless, dateless) virgin until 25, the year I met the guy I'm sleeping with now. (Combo of being homeschooled/isolated during my teen years, busy and still reclusive during college, and being stuck at home with my parents during the pandemic. Moved out 6 months ago.)
• I always wanted--and still want--a long-term, monogamous relationship/marriage one day.

All that to say, despite all my expectations, I'm currently experiencing a casual sex relationship that is just...good, on every level. Physically, emotionally, mentally. But I can't stop feeling like a sl*t.

I met a guy online, and after a while, we got tested and now we're sleeping together.

He's very respectful and kind. And surprisingly, I don't feel the need to turn this into a full-blown relationship. I just enjoy the incredible connection and companionship, but I also feel this stupid guilt? Confusion? At experiencing and enjoying something that people would definitely judge me for, especially my parents if they ever found out.

I never thought I'd lose my virginity this way. I always thought a casual sex thing was never for me. Yet, I was wrong. And I feel like I'm acting so sl*tty and doing something wrong (it's going to come back and bite me in the ass one day!, kind of feeling) even though I know I'm not.

Can you help me out?

[Batya33]

Yes.  If you feel this way about it then don't do it -it is not for you, for whatever reason. And that's ok.  The connection can't be incredible if you are feeling this way (although the physical/sexual connection might be).

And yes of course there are risks -higher risk of STDs and pregnancy.  My friend was in the unfortunate situation of having to share with her future husband who was religious -as was she although she'd slept around some in her late teens/early 20s -that she had an STD and was not a virgin. Yes he was ok with it and they are married but she was terrified of telling him.  

[ThisisMyName103]

4 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Yes.  If you feel this way about it then don't do it -it is not for you, for whatever reason. And that's ok.  The connection can't be incredible if you are feeling this way (although the physical/sexual connection might be).

And yes of course there are risks -higher risk of STDs and pregnancy.  My friend was in the unfortunate situation of having to share with her future husband who was religious -as was she although she'd slept around some in her late teens/early 20s -that she had an STD and was not a virgin. Yes he was ok with it and they are married but she was terrified of telling him.  

I'm actually quite okay with it. After sleeping with him, I feel happy and energized and no bad feelings. 

I think I'm just in a major process of letting go of who I thought I was in favor of learning who I actually am. It's a major transition for me.  

[Coily]

First question have you two been sexually monogamous?

I think there is an element of having guilt thrust upon you from your being a bit isolated socially; and sex is/can be a big deal. The second question is has this only been about sex for the two of you, or have you two done couples type things?

While you may not be in a relationship per se I think there are elements that could reflect one, but it's absence is making you feel insecure.

Now there is nothing really wrong with two people enjoying themselves. But I would also encourage you to show restraint in future and look for someone who you want a long term relationship with. Give it some time before sex, but don't got the "no sex before marriage" route as you seem to find your sexuality liberating.

[boltnrun]

What did your parents teach you about sex and sexuality?

I'm in my mid-late 50s and I still hear my mom's voice in my head lol. Not related to sex but to household chores and interacting with others. In my case it's not a bad thing because it reminds me to always be considerate of others and to keep my home clean. 

Are you fearful your parents will find out? Do you feel they would disapprove? Or is your guilt originating from some other source?

[Batya33]

3 minutes ago, ThisisMyName103 said:

I'm actually quite okay with it. After sleeping with him, I feel happy and energized and no bad feelings. 

I think I'm just in a major process of letting go of who I thought I was in favor of learning who I actually am. It's a major transition for me.  

Lots of verbage after you were quite blunt in your first post about what a low opinion you had of yourself.  Yes after intercourse you likely would feel happy and energized.  I would stop having casual sex until you believe your major transition of learning who  you actually are (I am 56 -still learning!)  with respect to your self-image should you choose to have casual sex -is over.  I don't think while you are transitioning is a good time to have casual sex.  It's too soon IMO.  

As far as learning who you "actually are" I recommend widening your circles of friends and acquaintances, finding some volunteer work or group of people with common interests that hopefully involve some sort of physical activity like hiking, swimming, cycling, dancing and also possibly reading books by Alain De Botton and or Martha Beck.  Good luck!

[ThisisMyName103]

2 minutes ago, Coily said:

First question have you two been sexually monogamous?

I think there is an element of having guilt thrust upon you from your being a bit isolated socially; and sex is/can be a big deal. The second question is has this only been about sex for the two of you, or have you two done couples type things?

While you may not be in a relationship per se I think there are elements that could reflect one, but it's absence is making you feel insecure.

Now there is nothing really wrong with two people enjoying themselves. But I would also encourage you to show restraint in future and look for someone who you want a long term relationship with. Give it some time before sex, but don't got the "no sex before marriage" route as you seem to find your sexuality liberating.

Yes, I've never been interested in waiting until marriage, lol. But I also have no problem holding off on sex for future partners to get to know them well. 

Yes, we have only been sleeping with each other. 

Couples type of things: there has been pre and post sex pillow talk and going out to eat a few times. We chat about normal life stuff outside of sex sometimes, too. 

He's become a friend I have great sex with. And it's been very satisfying to me. What this post is about is that sometimes I get in my head that it's so satisfying to me, because wow, I never thought I would like this! I'm an overthinker, so sometimes I worry...does that mean I'm doing something wrong? Everyone is like, "no casual sex!", but I'm finding this particular casual sex relationship very well for me.

[ThisisMyName103]

1 minute ago, Batya33 said:

As far as learning who you "actually are" I recommend widening your circles of friends and acquaintances, finding some volunteer work or group of people with common interests that hopefully involve some sort of physical activity like hiking, swimming, cycling, dancing and also possibly reading books by Alain De Botton and or Martha Beck.  Good luck!

I love Alain de Botton, lol! And yes, I do all these other things already. 

[Batya33]

Balance the pros and cons then.  It's a very individual thing.  I did that when I desired to have casual sex and opted not to.  Then I stopped desiring casual sex.  Sounds like your partner has agreed with monogamy which decreases the risk of STD and that you like chatting with him and view him as a friend.  But yes you can decide which of your concerns warrant further analysis and which belong on the periphery while you enjoy having sex with your friend.

[Coily]

4 minutes ago, ThisisMyName103 said:

Yes, I've never been interested in waiting until marriage, lol. But I also have no problem holding off on sex for future partners to get to know them well. 

Yes, we have only been sleeping with each other. 

Couples type of things: there has been pre and post sex pillow talk and going out to eat a few times. We chat about normal life stuff outside of sex sometimes, too. 

He's become a friend I have great sex with. And it's been very satisfying to me. What this post is about is that sometimes I get in my head that it's so satisfying to me, because wow, I never thought I would like this! I'm an overthinker, so sometimes I worry...does that mean I'm doing something wrong? Everyone is like, "no casual sex!", but I'm finding this particular casual sex relationship very well for me.

Then I think you are overthinking.  I would encourage some form of birth control, but I'm sure you have already figured that out. it seems that this casual sex relationship is not being detrimental, so I would say enjoy it, but when you start feeling attached let your partner know. That could drastically change things for you both.

Be safe, have fun, but also ask where you see yourself in a few years. And don't get hung up on what everyone else is saying.

[bluecastle]

From where I sit, for whatever it's worth, it sounds like you have something wonderful going on here—both in terms of this fun connection and in an experience that is broadening your worldview and self-conception. 

Per the latter, that always comes with some thorns, some edginess. You thought it was all going to look like X, you were told it should look like Y, and now here you are actually in Z, having fun, feeling good, but also experiencing some whiplash, some guilt. That is normal, and, all in all, I'd encourage you to think of it like that: a normal thing to feel, and to feel through, as you're doing. 

This present moment? It is not a detour from the road to a longterm, monogamous relationship. Life is not binary that way. One thing I've come to believe is that anyone who is super strict in telling you how something should go, be it your parents or an Instagram influencer, is motivated primarily by a deep inner fear that their own choices were the wrong ones so they need validation is seeing others follow the exact same path and/or controlling the paths of others.

Hence the importance of developing our own inner compasses, which I think you're doing. That this development was somewhat delayed and obscured by a strict upbringing invariably makes charting a new path a bit turbulent. Alas, life has its turbulent stretches, which often coincide with lovely stretches. Living with that contradiction, I think, is kind of the thing we're all learning, all the time. 

 

 

[Batya33]

Who is saying no casual sex? Be careful about who you confide in -it's a sensitive topic and most people -rightly -will not tell you what decision to make other than physical safety and pregnancy protection which also depends on what you and your friend have discussed about that potential.

Many years ago I dated someone who wanted to have sex but no commitment.  We'd been dating 6 weeks and we had awesome chemistry and I was crazy about him. He said we could be monogamous but he'd like the option of meeting a woman "for coffee" once in awhile, like from a dating site.  That didn't sit well with me.  I asked my best guy friend what he thought.  His first response was "I mean -you're crazy about him and he'd be monogamous so there's nothing wrong with it!"  I'm not sure about the timing but I ended up telling my date - nope.  And his reaction was -ok then we will be exclusive.  My best guy friend ended up telling me -you know I described the situation to my wife (who I knew -I probably even told him to ask her) - and she said that it might be ok for others but..... no way.

So as you can see - others' opinions/input is really not that relevant.  I mean I love ice cream.  Sometimes I feel guilty as to how often I eat it. But I love it, it makes me happy, it doesn't affect my health or weight to any degree such that I should stop and the guilt is low level. 

And in fact when I shared with a female friend how often I eat it she said "what???? you eat it that  much???? Very judgey.  Ironically she regularly consumes alcohol (she's a married mom in her 50s).  As you can see you really have to look at where the judgment is coming from.  You do you.

[ThisisMyName103]

4 minutes ago, bluecastle said:

From where I sit, for whatever it's worth, it sounds like you have something wonderful going on here—both in terms of this fun connection and in an experience that is broadening your worldview and self-conception. 

Per the latter, that always comes with some thorns, some edginess. You thought it was all going to look like X, you were told it should look like Y, and now here you are actually in Z, having fun, feeling good, but also experiencing some whiplash, some guilt. That is normal, and, all in all, I'd encourage you to think of it like that: a normal thing to feel, and to feel through, as you're doing. 

This present moment? It is not a detour from the road to a longterm, monogamous relationship. Life is not binary that way. One thing I've come to believe is that anyone who is super strict in telling you how something should go, be it your parents or an Instagram influencer, is motivated primarily by a deep inner fear that their own choices were the wrong ones so they need validation is seeing others follow the exact same path and/or controlling the paths of others.

Hence the importance of developing our own inner compasses, which I think you're doing. That this development was somewhat delayed and obscured by a strict upbringing invariably makes charting a new path a bit turbulent. Alas, life has its turbulent stretches, which often coincide with lovely stretches. Living with that contradiction, I think, is kind of the thing we're all learning, all the time. 

 

 

I've been reading advice on here for a while, and I always found your posts the most insightful and balanced. Very beautifully written too. You exactly describe what I'm going through, and I appreciate you sharing your perspective.

[lostandhurt]

First off you aren't doing anything wrong in the least and it sounds like you both went into this very openly and smart.  If neither party is being harmed in any way then you have zero to feel guilty about.

 It still surprises me how much our parents imprint on us, good, bad or otherwise without us even knowing.  Your parents views and structure haunt you in a way so that could be why you feel this negative connotation towards your current situation.  Remember you are now living YOUR OWN LIFE after so many years of your parents controlling it.  This new freedom will obviously feel different, awkward and even feel wrong because of your past but that doesn't mean it is bad, just different.

 You are really on a journey to discover who you are, what you want and ultimately what you feel is right for your life.  For many of us that starts in school and with our friends as we grow up but for you it may have been delayed a little so you are catching up so to speak.  There is nothing wrong with that in the least and the fact that you are here asking the questions means you are not hiding from your feelings but exploring them which is a very good thing.  

You are enjoying a physical relationship with a good guy and one day you will more than likely want more but until you reach that point in your life there is no reason I can think of why you shouldn't explore and enjoy what you are comfortable with and enjoy it.

 I hope you give yourself a break and forget what some people consider socially acceptable or what your parents think and live your life in a way that brings you joy and happiness.

 Lost

[Cherylyn]

Don't feel guilty.  Do what you want.  It's consensual so there isn't a problem.  It's your life so do as you will. 

[Kwothe28]

You are enjoying it because its new and exciting. If it would came to relationship it would be another thing. You are new to the world and want to experience it. For example I could see that when I was in college. People who were into tight grip of their parents, have acted like they never experienced anything. They did excessive drinking, gone partying and yes even sleeping around. As their parents where not around to say anything so they felt liberated doing it.

I dont judge since you dont do anything wrong. But if you want a long term monogamous relationship, you should know its detrimental to you to be just casual with somebody. Sure, now is the time to experiment. But you would maybe do better in the future regarding relationships if you gained some relationship experience. And not just casual sex one.

Also, let me take a wild guess: Whole sleeping casually thing? His idea?

[ThisisMyName103]

1 minute ago, Kwothe28 said:

 

Also, let me take a wild guess: Whole sleeping casually thing? His idea?

Mine. I went into it wanting to sleep with him casually. 

I don't see myself doing this long-term nor pursuing casual relationships the rest of my life. 

I don't know. You say you don't judge, but your first paragraph is slightly condescending. As if I'm just doing this because I want to be rebellious. For example, I know I'm not a big drinker and don't pressure myself to do so just because I'm out my parents' house. And I have friends who drink often, who pressured me to. It's not my interest. I've also never wanted to try drugs, like weed, even though I've met people who suggested it to me. 

This new sexual relationship is more so about exploration and becoming for me. If he was a dud in bed, I would have left it at that, lol. And not pursued more casual sex relationships, just because. I don't know, a number of stars aligned for this experience to come to fruition and for it to be a good one. I was really, really sexually attracted to him. Somehow, I intuited we would have good sex together. And we did. 

[Batya33]

My friend went through this too. She was newly divorced after 20 years of marriage and multiple kids. She’d had some casual hook ups pre marriage but her husband was her first - they waited. So she met up with a guy through an online site with really same as your goal - exploring. They fooled around some but she realized she wasn’t going to go all the way. He was totally fine with that. Really the best part of her figuring stuff out in her 40s and starting over was realizing what an introvert she actually was and wanted to be and her lack of interest in dating or sex.
She did date someone seriously for about 7 years after her divorce and even considered marriage but realized it was square peg in round hole. So just be open to possibility that you may be presuming incorrectly that exploring requires casual sex. And just keep being honest with yourself ok ?

[lostandhurt]

If you don't explore and figure out what you want how will you know when you run across it right?

 What would be worse is not knowing or at least having a good idea what you want then getting into a relationship where it takes you years to figure out why it doesn't feel right and you are not truly happy.

 You sound well grounded and secure so stick to what works and have fun!

 Lost

[Cherylyn]

13 minutes ago, ThisisMyName103 said:

Mine. I went into it wanting to sleep with him casually. 

I don't see myself doing this long-term nor pursuing casual relationships the rest of my life. 

I don't know. You say you don't judge, but your first paragraph is slightly condescending. As if I'm just doing this because I want to be rebellious. For example, I know I'm not a big drinker and don't pressure myself to do so just because I'm out my parents' house. And I have friends who drink often, who pressured me to. It's not my interest. I've also never wanted to try drugs, like weed, even though I've met people who suggested it to me. 

This new sexual relationship is more so about exploration and becoming for me. If he was a dud in bed, I would have left it at that, lol. And not pursued more casual sex relationships, just because. I don't know, a number of stars aligned for this experience to come to fruition and for it to be a good one. I was really, really sexually attracted to him. Somehow, I intuited we would have good sex together. And we did. 

Do what you want and don't care what other people think.

[Kwothe28]

13 minutes ago, ThisisMyName103 said:

I don't know. You say you don't judge, but your first paragraph is slightly condescending.

xD

You would be surprised how much I dont really care who sleeps with who and why. Especially on online Forum. Just saying that I have seen that kind of behavior. And that you should be careful there. Take care.

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, ThisisMyName103 said:

 Everyone is like, "no casual sex!", but I'm finding this particular casual sex relationship very well for me.

You're the architect of your own life and happiness.  You're enjoying your first relationship whether you call it FWB, dating, whatever.

All you need to do is tune into your own thoughts, feelings and voice and drown out what everyone else does. It's your life, so live it as you see fit.