Am I not man enough?...

[Cherylyn]

2 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Yep, the insult is what I take issue with. It's irrelevant if her dad fixes things for her mom or if anyone else's boyfriend or husband does. There is never an excuse for hurling insults, no matter how badly she wants a guy like her dad or brother or whoever. 

If my husband grunted "make me a sammich, Woman!" he'd be out the door, no matter how many sammiches his mom made for his dad. I'd be "incompatible" with someone who thought it was OK to insult me.

The problem is,  yes,  she's comparing her boyfriend to her father otherwise she wouldn't have insisted upon her boyfriend learning how to fix brakes from her BIL (brother-in-law) so her boyfriend can do for her what her father did for her mother.  The boyfriend learning this new skill was her priority.  A lot of daughters want a boyfriend or husband reminiscent of the fathers whom they admired growing up or they're like me and want a boyfriend or husband who is the complete opposite of their father.

[boltnrun]

6 minutes ago, Cherylyn said:

The problem is,  yes,  she's comparing her boyfriend to her father otherwise she wouldn't have insisted upon her boyfriend learning how to fix brakes from her BIL (brother-in-law) so her boyfriend can do for her what her father did for her mother.  The boyfriend learning this new skill was her priority.  A lot of daughters want a boyfriend or husband reminiscent of the fathers whom they admired growing up or they're like me and want a boyfriend or husband who is the complete opposite of their father.

Again, this is not the main issue I see in this situation. My issue is with her using the insult "not a real man" when it was completely unnecessary to use an insult. 

If someone insulted me by saying "you're not a 'real woman'" the last thing I would do is help them. I don't care what kind of fantasies they have about me being like dear old Mom or Grandma (or the opposite), insults are unacceptable. 

[Batya33]

7 minutes ago, Cherylyn said:

The problem is,  yes,  she's comparing her boyfriend to her father otherwise she wouldn't have insisted upon her boyfriend learning how to fix brakes from her BIL (brother-in-law) so her boyfriend can do for her what her father did for her mother.  The boyfriend learning this new skill was her priority.  A lot of daughters want a boyfriend or husband reminiscent of the fathers whom they admired growing up or they're like me and want a boyfriend or husband who is the complete opposite of their father.

No the problem is her comparison involves disparaging comments like "real man" -and she's using the comparison in an attempt to take him down a peg in a classless way.

[Cherylyn]

9 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Again, this is not the main issue I see in this situation. My issue is with her using the insult "not a real man" when it was completely unnecessary to use an insult. 

If someone insulted me by saying "you're not a 'real woman'" the last thing I would do is help them. I don't care what kind of fantasies they have about me being like dear old Mom or Grandma, insults are unacceptable. 

They should have a talk about that.  However,  this problem won't go away because @mike3610's girlfriend will compare him to her father at some point.  This is why, this problem is not just about being a real man quote to him.  If it's not about brakes, it's something else that is in need of repair or maintenance for cars, house, etc.  The boyfriend comparison to her father not "being a real man" reminiscent of her father will brew resentment over time for both the boyfriend and girlfriend.  She wants to be treated the same way her father treated her mother. 

[Cherylyn]

3 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

No the problem is her comparison involves disparaging comments like "real man" -and she's using the comparison in an attempt to take him down a peg in a classless way.

Yeah, but it's only the tip of the iceberg.  That's the problem. 

[Batya33]

2 minutes ago, Cherylyn said:

Yeah, but it's only the tip of the iceberg.  That's the problem. 

Yes the tip of the iceberg of her hurling tacky insults at him -hopefully this was a one off... but sadly I doubt it.  

[boltnrun]

Just now, Batya33 said:

Yes the tip of the iceberg of her hurling tacky insults at him -hopefully this was a one off... but sadly I doubt it.  

Yeah, the "iceberg" would likely consist of her continuing to disparage him by claiming he's "not a real man" if he doesn't leap to do things for her. Obviously she thinks it's acceptable to speak this way to someone who loves her.

Seems like a real peach 🙄

[Cherylyn]

1 minute ago, Batya33 said:

Yes the tip of the iceberg of her hurling tacky insults at him -hopefully this was a one off... but sadly I doubt it.  

That's my point.  I doubt it stops at this one quote.  "You're not a real man because you're not like my dad.  I want you to treat me the way dad treated my mom."  It's ongoing with this type of mindset. 

[Cherylyn]

1 minute ago, boltnrun said:

Yeah, the "iceberg" would likely consist of her continuing to disparage him by claiming he's "not a real man" if he doesn't leap to do things for her. Obviously she thinks it's acceptable to speak this way to someone who loves her.

Seems like a real peach 🙄

It's not a peachy situation so get out of the pit.  😋

[Coily]

Typically when tacky shrews hurl demeaning insults like "be a real man" it's never just about a false equivalence to some ideal. It is often a way of gaslighting, belittling, and manipulating men into actions that they are not inclined towards; usually for the man to be exploited. There is no difference between demanding a man learn to change brakes or crushing a beer can on his head, to prove his "worth" to some arbitrary idiot who has fabricated a position of authority.

[Batya33]

3 minutes ago, Cherylyn said:

That's my point.  I doubt it stops at this one quote.  "You're not a real man because you're not like my dad.  I want you to treat me the way dad treated my mom."  It's ongoing with this type of mindset. 

The mindset is not the problem but how she expresses it.  For example if she says my dad always made sure we volunteered somewhere Thanksgiving morning and I'd like to continue that tradition with you" or "my dad and mom liked to dance in the living room - it always gave me the warm fuzzies" - so even if she's a bit focused on emulating who her father was/who she thought he was it can be expressed in a thoughtful way that invites conversation.

[Cherylyn]

In society,  we have these masculine roles.  I don't know why but whenever I visit my local Home Depot (house improvement) warehouse or automotive stores with my husband,  it's customers and contractors are predominantly men.  When I frequent car shows with my husband,  again,   predominantly men.  Whenever I see contractors in my neighborhood,  again,  all men.  My brother is in these trades and he told me,  it's predominantly men wherever he goes.  I wonder why?  I don't know why.  I don't know if it's because a lot of this type of physical labor requires a person who is obviously bigger and stronger physically and can do a lot of heavy lifting.  Who knows?  Perhaps these gender roles of "man up" could stem from that.  I know I can't do any heavy lifting so I defer to my husband and sons because they're taller, bigger, stronger. 

[Cherylyn]

4 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

The mindset is not the problem but how she expresses it.  For example if she says my dad always made sure we volunteered somewhere Thanksgiving morning and I'd like to continue that tradition with you" or "my dad and mom liked to dance in the living room - it always gave me the warm fuzzies" - so even if she's a bit focused on emulating who her father was/who she thought he was it can be expressed in a thoughtful way that invites conversation.

The problem is her mindset otherwise she wouldn't have blurted out manning up.  In her mind, she wants her boyfriend or future husband to be very much reminiscent of her father and he is towards her mother.  She wants that.  Hence, the man up quote.

[Batya33]

3 minutes ago, Cherylyn said:

The problem is her mindset otherwise she wouldn't have blurted out manning up.  In her mind, she wants her boyfriend or future husband to be very much reminiscent of her father and he is towards her mother.  She wants that.  Hence, the man up quote.

Well no - she blurted out an offensive comment because she chose to.  Nothing to do with masculine and feminine roles in society.  Just has to do with her choice to react to her desire by acting in an offensive way towards her partner.  What someone wants in her mind and how she expresses it to her partner are two different things.  And that's where filters come in and where someone who cares about her partner wouldn't choose to be rude.  

 

[Cherylyn]

Just now, Batya33 said:

Well no - she blurted out an offensive comment because she chose to.  Nothing to do with masculine and feminine roles in society.  Just has to do with her choice to react to her desire by acting in an offensive way towards her partner.  What someone wants in her mind and how she expresses it to her partner are two different things.  And that's where filters come in and where someone who cares about her partner wouldn't choose to be rude.  

 

She chose to because she wants her boyfriend to be the masculine "man up" type reminiscent of her father and how her father treated her mother.  She wants that.  I agree though, she could've reworded it so their dialogue could've been more peaceful.  It's not what you say,  it's how you say it. 

[Batya33]

9 minutes ago, Cherylyn said:

She chose to because she wants her boyfriend to be the masculine "man up" type reminiscent of her father and how her father treated her mother.  She wants that.  I agree though, she could've reworded it so their dialogue could've been more peaceful.  It's not what you say,  it's how you say it. 

Well - no - she has a "mouth problem" as you would call it.  It's not semantics or rewording and I don't know any man who would take kindly to being told to "man up" - just like she wouldn't want to be told to shut her trap and be the little woman that someone's mommy was.  

[Coily]

The inanity and banality of some of these.

 

OP, All productive conversations seem to have ended on page 1. The rest of this is self-serving tripe, and people trying to corral this continued gaslighting.

Also OP, You definitely are man enough to know when you have been insulted. Don't stand for it, be your own man and to hades with anyone who tries to make you measure up to their fantasy.

[Seraphim]

My husband knows how to fix many things including cars and planes. I don’t . But I don’t see it as his skill set as a “ man”. There are many women he worked with that can do the same. He can also cook and do laundry and clean bathrooms. Is he a “ woman” now? No. It is people with skills. If she doesn’t have the skills she needs to pay someone who does and stop the insults. 

[boltnrun]

I fail to see what the clientele at Home Depot has to do with the OP's girlfriend insulting him.

But I'm sure there an excuse  for it in there somewhere 🙄

Anyway, us debating back and forth over whether the ability to install brakes on a car or clear the drain gutters makes a male of the species a "real man" doesn't help the OP one bit.

All I can say is there is never a reason to insult someone you claim to love or who you know loves you regardless of the gender makeup of the shoppers at AutoZone. 

[catfeeder]

6 hours ago, mike3610 said:

She also mentioned that's what a real man is supposed to do.

Why would being female exempt GF from learning to fix her own brakes if that's important enough to her?

Your only mistake was agreeing to take the lesson in the first place. Backing out on something you've already committed to was not a great look, but then, neither was the way your GF framed the request as an insult. That was pretty snotty.

[Seraphim]

OP, if this isn’t a skill you want don’t do it and tell her to roll herself down to the mechanic and get out her wallet. 

[Cherylyn]

2 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Well - no - she has a "mouth problem" as you would call it.  It's not semantics or rewording and I don't know any man who would take kindly to being told to "man up" - just like she wouldn't want to be told to shut her trap and be the little woman that someone's mommy was.  

I've already agreed that man up wasn't right.  A lot of people have a "mouth problem" not distinct to manning up.  This refers to saying it verbally or text, email, voicemail, during a phone chat, etc.  Also, it doesn't cease at "man up" because in @mike3610's girlfriend's mind, her boyfriend isn't masculine enough to do what her father was skilled at and and how he treated her mother which is what she wants.  She wants the same treatment.  Both of them should reach a reasonable compromise or this relationship will fail to thrive.  It doesn't stop here.  She will find another skill set her father was good at,  ask @mike3610 to figure it out,  he'll most likely decline which is understandable and hence, the comparison to her father "manning up" yet again. 🙄

[Cherylyn]

2 hours ago, boltnrun said:

I fail to see what the clientele at Home Depot has to do with the OP's girlfriend insulting him.

But I'm sure there an excuse  for it in there somewhere 🙄

Anyway, us debating back and forth over whether the ability to install brakes on a car or clear the drain gutters makes a male of the species a "real man" doesn't help the OP one bit.

All I can say is there is never a reason to insult someone you claim to love or who you know loves you regardless of the gender makeup of the shoppers at AutoZone. 

A lot of trades especially blue collar work requires heavy equipment and heavy lifting which tend to be male dominated fields because most men have obvious physical advantages.  Because they're male dominated,  macho type fields,  they're considered "manly" professions.  Hence,  "man up" type expressions.  🙄

Sure, women can do it but a lot of women including myself don't have that level of physical power to do a lot of heavy lifting which is blue collar work. 

In my residential neighborhood,  road construction crews were doing a lot of heavy lifting work and two women (out of 50+ men)  while commendable, were operating forklifts and bulldozers.  They weren't doing the actual heavy equipment lifting down in the trenches.  Other women were holding up signs directing traffic. 

I've already agreed that man up wasn't right.  If no one wants to do the work,  hire a professional to do it for you. 

[Seraphim]

Thing is they are NO LONGER just male fields women are making inroads. My husband used to be an avionics systems technician, ( repair of the plane’s electrical systems) women are in this field. If this woman wants delineated male and female roles she needs to go back to 1950.

[Cherylyn]

1 minute ago, Seraphim said:

Thing is they are NO LONGER just male fields women are making inroads. My husband used to be an avionics systems technician, ( repair of the plane’s electrical systems) women are in this field. If this woman wants delineated male and female roles she needs to go back to 1950.

I agree.  Women are making inroads.  However, I see this DAILY.  A lot of blue collar work such as contractors in particular (or mechanics, etc) tend to be male dominated fields.  I hope more women will be employed in these professions.  It's just that I don't see many or hardly at all.