Tell me what a good marriage is like

[savignon]

Context: I have been a single mom for 12 years and do eeeeeeeeeeverything myself, for myself, by myself.   I have never really had a healthy relationship and when I look around I see maybe one or two couple-friends who have a marriage I would want to emulate.  I know a lot of women who just do it all (like me) except they're married.  That's made me think "what's the point"? and that's beside that I don't even know if I *could* have or maintain a healthy relationship since I've never had one and have come to believe there's something lacking there that I can't fix in myself.

Genesis of writing this post: I just had to change the door handle on a door and couldn't get it lined up right.  I started sobbbbbing out of nowhere with this "I am so alone" feeling that I raaaaarely, if ever, experience.

It's made me wonder... what could/does a healthy relationship look like?  I am a pretty good catch and would be so grateful to meet a nice, funny partner-in-life who could just change some batteries and door handles for me!  (love language= acts of service!) ❤️😉 

Maybe I'm finally ready to be inspired... lay it on me!

xo

Sav

[Seraphim]

One where there is : 

respect

consideration

common goals 

common beliefs

co-operation

love

forgiveness 

patience 

common lifestyle 

and many other things 

[TheCrow]

Too broad a question. Good marriage will mean a thousand different things to a thousand different people.

My broad answer would be love, compatibility and having met in the right place at the right time. And having experienced life/people/relationships before. You can't say you love steak most when you've never eaten anything but steak..

 

[Andrina]

For me, I like the satisfying companionship of a romantic partner to share life with, such as taking turns cooking for each other and eating together, and of course fun outings and watching our favorite shows together. And besides the good times, it's nice to have a supportive partner during the stressful times, such as when you break down on the side of the road and he can get there far quicker than AAA. And nurse you when you're sick. And they you're grateful to be able to return that support when he needs it.

If you do begin dating, it might make you feel more comfortable to put together a must-have list and a dealbreaker list, and to stick to those lists. 

There are some people who give second chances for dealbreakers, giving the excuse, "Nobody's perfect." They don't know that there is a huge difference between minor negative traits versus dealbreakers. It's important to distinguish between the two.

[Batya33]

I agree it's too broad a question.  And I really like Seraphim's answer.  It's interesting on how you focus on division of labor because it made me realize how much it also depends on whether there are children involved or family members either spouse takes care of etc -that really changes what makes up a healthful marriage IMO.

I also think comparing is tricky.  You see a snapshot and you don't know what goes on behind closed doors.  Also so much is like apples and oranges.

I'm sorry about the door handle!! I can relate and I'm married!

[Batya33]

So I don't know how to compare -should I? -but I think I have a good marriage because -I love him and I act on that love by thinking of him before I, let's say, email him with another "thing" that needs to be taken care of -appointment/task/door handle broken, because even when I'm annoyed/irritated I am able to self-talk -not to justify bad treatment but to remind myself of all the times I am not annoyed or irritated, all the times he has come through and I'm able to not grow resentful and to resolve this stuff internally and get to a peaceful good place. 

I like joking around with him, love our inside jokes, love watching him be daddy to our son -it's really something. 

Also I appreciate how he puts up with me -my quirks, the aspects of my schedule that are not convenient for him, how he can center me when I get anxious/overthink.  Marriage is a lot of humility -I'd never lived with anyone before except actually him for a few months 11 years before our wedding.   

The humility is essential IMO -it's telling your partner even when you feel like darn it you are RIGHT and he has to see that!! - that you know you've been guilty of the same transgression.  At least once.  Or either not saying or apologizing for saying "you always____"  because there's little need for you always and it's always untrue.  Or mostly always.  

And for me personally a good marriage means the couple believes in the wedding vows -the for better or for worse, the commitment, the "institution" of marriage -sometimes you've got to remember that when things are hectic and stressful.  For me -because there are couples who got married for reasons other than believing deeply in "marriage" -just a piece of paper maybe for health benefits/to legitimize kids if that is still a thing - so for them their foundation of commitment is not focused on "marriage"

 

 

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, savignon said:

  I am a pretty good catch and would be so grateful to meet a nice, funny partner-in-life who could just change some batteries and door handles for me.

Start by getting a good profile and pics on quality dating apps and start talking to and meeting men. Join some groups and clubs, volunteer, take some classes and courses, get involved in sports and fitness.

The only way to have a partner is to start meeting men. After you click with someone you can define if it's the right relationship for you. 

[Cherylyn]

@savignon In a nutshell,  a good marriage is filled with love and respect.  It's doesn't need to be that complicated.

My in-laws (MIL & FIL mother and father-in-law) set the bar pretty high.  FIL always deferred to his wife and she to him.  They bantered.  They adored each other,  joined at the hip and inseparable.  The were smitten to each other for many decades.  I had never observed a couple that much in love with one another.  FIL treated his wife like a queen.  My in-laws were the complete opposite of my parents.

FIL led by example,  not lectures.  My husband,  the blessed and lucky wife that I am,  followed his father's footsteps.  He makes being married to him so easy.   We banter.  He's been so helpful and kind ever since we dated and during our brief courtship.  He's extremely devoted and empathetic just like his father was to his mother.  He's very considerate and selfless.  He helps with errands,  laundry,  housecleaning,  cooking,  maintains / repairs our house,  maintains / repairs our cars,  does yard work for front / back yards, always helped with newborn / baby / child responsibilities and he does anything.  He's kind and respectful.  I can lean on him and he always delivers.  He goes above and beyond always without being asked each and every time.  It's everyday love and respect that matters.  I had never met a man who gave so much of himself to his wife and sons.

He's not a tightwad.  He's a generous tipper. 

We live a very comfortable,  peaceful,  stable,  settled,  established life in the suburbs.

My parents marriage was made in _______.  My late father was a chain smoking,  alcoholic,  wife beater,  womanizer who left my mother with $450K in debt.  Miraculously,  she saved her house,  never filed for bankruptcy and raised 3 children all by herself by working 3 jobs 7 days week to put food on the table. 

[Cherylyn]

2 hours ago, Andrina said:

There are some people who give second chances for deal breakers, giving the excuse, "Nobody's perfect." They don't know that there is a huge difference between minor negative traits versus deal breakers. It's important to distinguish between the two.

@Andrina  I can't tell you how many times I've heard people say, "Nobody's perfect" which is a classic example of gaslighting because it's once again,  deflecting from owning responsibility for one's unacceptable and intolerable actions and wrongdoings.  It's an excuse to say, "Nobody's perfect" so it's permissible whatever harm and transgressions were inflicted upon and committed.  Whenever I catch wind of the "nobody's perfect" remark,  that person no longer deserves to be in my life.  They should be with those who give those types of glib remarks because they're made for each other. 

My neighbor's alcoholic ex-husband told his wife (my neighbor), ".  .  . And, you're so perfect!"  Ha!  She divorced him after that obnoxious comment!   ☹️

[Batya33]

Nobody is perfect. I think the goal should be -for a serious LTR- to find the person who is perfect for you.  My husband would be imperfect for many many women as I know for sure.  He is short (so many of my women friends when I was dating considered short a dealbreaker and for me it was a preference!).

He is bad with clutter.  He is physically fit but not toned/built.  He is not athletic.  He can be but doesn't wish to be a multi-millionaire (which is a plus for me as instead he followed his dreams and I love that about him so very very much). 

He works a lot and travels a lot and has not had a traditional 9 to 5 job since around 1990.  Good marriages are not between perfect people because honestly I cannot imagine two people who think they are perfect -or even think their spouse is perfect -can have a healthy loving relationship.  That really is just my opinion!

[redswim30]

Different for everyone, of course. 

 

But to me- As someone who has the perspective of a bad first marriage and a good second one- 

1. Someone who RESPECTS YOU- even when you disagree, even when you fight, even when life gets tricky 

2. Someone who chooses LOVE.  What I mean is- they can be mad or choose to give you love, forgiveness, grace for being imperfect.  Not someone who holds mistakes over your head or bring sup past mistakes to "win points". 

3. Someone who can APOLOGIZE and ADMIT their own shortcomings- this is a BIG one.  You will NEVER have a happy marriage with someone who can never admit they are wrong, say they are sorry or try to be better. 

4. Someone who SUPPORTS you.  This means different things to different people= so it's important to know which kind of SUPPORT matter most to YOU.  For some, it's financial support, emotional support, career support, problem support- everyone wants all - but you have to understand that some people are good at some of these, but not all of them.  Align with someone who can offer the TYPE of SUPPORT you need to thrive. 

5.  Someone who handles STRESS and CONFLICT resolution SIMILIAR TO YOU. 

6. Someone whose CORE VALUES ALIGN WITH YOURS- How much time you spend w/family, how much time you spent together or apart, how you view money, how you feel about kids, how you feel about making big life changes, your sense of humor, making sure you your life goals are aligned-  Little things about a person can change, but I believe THESE things rarely do.  I see marriages fail when people believe they can change one of these things about their partner. 

7. Someone who views you as a TEAM.  I think this is one that people miss.  My ex would make decisions all the time that effected me without ASKING me if I was ok with them.  He viewed it as Me and him, not as US.  I saw that thru line continue in multiple ways.  My current husband always considers everything as " if this the right choice for US"- this makes a WORLD of difference. 

These, to me, are the MAJOR ingredients to make a happy and successful marriage.  These were all lacking in my first marriage, but are present in my current one.   It's important to remember that no one is perfect and no marriage is perfect.  Everyone has highs and lows.  However, if you strive to grow together and be united no matter what life throws at you, the partnership can be quite rewarding. 

 

[Batya33]

I saw a post on my local FB moms group (it's huge) that gave me pause about this thread.  She asked us how often our husbands spoil us and if so how.  It threw me. It never occurs to me to want to be spoiled or to have that sort of attitude (mindset?) being part of a healthy marriage/relationship. 

Honestly to me as a woman it's kind of cringey because it goes against my sense of being an independent adult and as Redswim mentioned (great post!) being part of a team.  Being partners. Doing nice things for each other -thoughtful gifts- that's not "spoiling" even though sometimes I spoil myself I guess -will buy that expensive slice of cheesecake to bring home and eat bit by bit over time, or splurge for the more expensive ground coffee I love.  But wanting my husband to "spoil" me?

If she (meaning from my FB mom group) wants that or if someone does then their definition and undestanding of a good marriage would be far different from mine.....

[TheCrow]

9 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Nobody is perfect. I think the goal should be -for a serious LTR- to find the person who is perfect for you.  My husband would be imperfect for many many women as I know for sure.  He is short (so many of my women friends when I was dating considered short a dealbreaker and for me it was a preference!).

He is bad with clutter.  He is physically fit but not toned/built.  He is not athletic.  He can be but doesn't wish to be a multi-millionaire (which is a plus for me as instead he followed his dreams and I love that about him so very very much). 

He works a lot and travels a lot and has not had a traditional 9 to 5 job since around 1990.  Good marriages are not between perfect people because honestly I cannot imagine two people who think they are perfect -or even think their spouse is perfect -can have a healthy loving relationship.  That really is just my opinion!

This is how different we all are. If my husband was short. ..he wouldn't be my husband. .ugh, sounds awful and I'm sorry people! I picked him out of a huge crowd because he wasn't just to die for handsome but also very tall, and these two things were my prerequisites.

 

Each to their own!

[Cherylyn]

Hmm, well let's see.  My late father was a chain smoking,  alcoholic,  womanizer,  wife beater who left my mother with 3 children and $450K in debt.

My BIL (brother-in-law) has major "foot in mouth disease,"  constantly says highly inappropriate,  deliberately humiliating, boorish comments to whomever my sister (his wife) pays attention,  engages in a conversation with or compliments.  Ewww.

After a person's husband cooked all day for my BIL (my sister's husband),  he told this husband this:  "Wives shouldn't be the sole breadwinner.  You shouldn't have your wife go marching off to work everyday.  You're the man of the house.  You should be doing it.  Not her."  Ouch.  This person's husband (the host) who cooked all day for his wife, my BIL who was a guest in their home and 2 children,  was diagnosed with Epilepsy and Multiple Sclerosis (MS).  Needless to say, this person and her husband never invited my BIL into their home nor do they care to ever see him again. 

My brother made it clear to me that even though he "loves me,"   he'll never have my back.  He'll never defend me to our sister after she called me a liar for revealing how egregious our late father really was towards our long suffering mother.  He'll never defend me for fear of alienating my sister so obviously it's not in his best interest to love me to that extent.  He doesn't walk the talk.  

My other BIL (brother-in-law - my husband's sister's husband) uses foul language indiscriminately all the time during all conversations especially verbally and socially.  He uses foul language in front of the elderly and children as well.  He purports to be an average guy while shouting this in front of my son and me to my other BIL (brother-in-law - my husband's brother):  "Take your redneck ______ and haul it back to Texas!"  Stuff like that.   My next door married neighbor guy is the same.  Their poor wives! 

A married guy at work pinned a pornographic photo in a woman's locker years ago. 

I've overheard married men swap misogynistic jokes at work. 

I remember attending a wedding years ago.  Groom's siblings looked great.  Groom's husband looked great.  Wife looked like _______ or something the cat dragged in.  According to my friend,  the bride,  her MIL (mother-in-law) ran herself haggard doing everything including pounding nails on the house's roof in need of repair,  did everything for the children,  husband,   house,  etc.  Husband and family dumped everything on her.  Poor woman. 

Nobody's perfect.  🙄 ☹️

 

 

[Cherylyn]

1 hour ago, TheCrow said:

This is how different we all are. If my husband was short. ..he wouldn't be my husband. .ugh, sounds awful and I'm sorry people! I picked him out of a huge crowd because he wasn't just to die for handsome but also very tall, and these two things were my prerequisites.

 

Each to their own!

@TheCrow  My husband and sons just so happened to be tall.  It wasn't my original prerequisite though.  They're good looking which doesn't hurt but again,  it came with stellar character so no complaints here!  It wasn't part of the original plan.  I just got lucky.

[TheCrow]

4 hours ago, Batya33 said:

I saw a post on my local FB moms group (it's huge) that gave me pause about this thread.  She asked us how often our husbands spoil us and if so how.  It threw me. It never occurs to me to want to be spoiled or to have that sort of attitude (mindset?) being part of a healthy marriage/relationship. 

Honestly to me as a woman it's kind of cringey because it goes against my sense of being an independent adult and as Redswim mentioned (great post!) being part of a team.  Being partners. Doing nice things for each other -thoughtful gifts- that's not "spoiling" even though sometimes I spoil myself I guess -will buy that expensive slice of cheesecake to bring home and eat bit by bit over time, or splurge for the more expensive ground coffee I love.  But wanting my husband to "spoil" me?

If she (meaning from my FB mom group) wants that or if someone does then their definition and undestanding of a good marriage would be far different from mine.....

Oh my hubby spoils me big time. He's got time to do so! We're not into mega big important all consuming careers. We just live and love. Kiss a lot, love a lot, laugh a lot holding our wine glasses. . . we remember that time is ticking, tomorrow is not guaranteed, and today is not about spreadsheets and bonuses..!

[Seraphim]

Shrug. My husband is 5’9.5” which is perfectly fine. I am 5’3”. I don’t need someone giant . I used to be 5’4” but shrunk. My son is 6’1”.

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, TheCrow said:

today is not about spreadsheets and bonuses..!

I literally know no one who is ambitious and works hard at their career or profession who has this mindset -what a sad person who has it - and the person who is is not into their career or profession in the ways that count IMO.

Same with people who are into careers because they're "big and important" - I do know "of" people who have expressed views like that but those are not the people I consider to have true work ethics or are truly committed to their career whether it's big, small, medium, lucrative or otherwise.  Just not a fan in general of those stereotypes about people who have goals related to their careers/professions/jobs.  And not a fan of people who brag about their careers or anything that they have attained -not a good look and gets real boring real fast.

Also not healthful for a good marriage if one spouse is way more into having a lot of money or prestige and the other isn't -which is separate from a couple with strong work ethics and ambition.

You do you -and you're having a blast and that's great!  I prefer a balance of having long term goals and also living in the moment.  It's not easy to maintain or attain at times but it's my perspective, mindset etc and my husband's so we're well-matched.  Just as you and your husband are!  

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, TheCrow said:

This is how different we all are. If my husband was short. ..he wouldn't be my husband. .ugh, sounds awful and I'm sorry people! I picked him out of a huge crowd because he wasn't just to die for handsome but also very tall, and these two things were my prerequisites.

 

Each to their own!

Yes for sure - I was very fortunate to prefer shorter men (but I dated taller men too - no issues) because of  women like you who had such a strong preference for men who are tall -increased my dating pool which was awesome for me! Attraction and chemistry were essential to me.  Did not care about to die for handsome as far as prerequisite -didn't need arm candy or for my future husband to have those sorts of attributes as long as we had mutual attraction.  

Love all these differences -so interesting!

[greendots]

I preface this by saying that I've never been married. However, having observed several long-term marriages (including 40 years+) what I discovered was the importance of teamwork and facing the difficulties life throws at you together as a team. Also, having a compatible lifestyle and values.

Other than that I'm interested to hear what experienced forum members have to say on the topic as to learn from them. 🙂

[Batya33]

11 minutes ago, greendots said:

I preface this by saying that I've never been married. However, having observed several long-term marriages (including 40 years+) what I discovered was the importance of teamwork and facing the difficulties life throws at you together as a team. Also, having a compatible lifestyle and values.

Other than that I'm interested to hear what experienced forum members have to say on the topic as to learn from them. 🙂

Yes, could not agree more.  Also owning when you don't do teamwork - apologizing right away or even saying in advance "I'm too overwhelmed to talk about this now" because you're afraid you might come across the wrong way.  On the "facing" part-for me teamwork often requires being selective on format. It might be easier to send a long email your spouse will get hours later when he/she gets up rather than face it in person (depending on urgency) -it's easier to email or text.  But not always good for your spouse to feel you have his/her back, you respect him, etc.  Or you feel X is totally urgent and you know your spouse doesn't. 

So instead of acting on your urgency and sending texts about deadlines/time sensitive etc you consider as a team player - can you restrain yourself and deal with the discomfort that it might not happen ASAP but then you won't have annoyed your spouse who already has a lot on her plate?

Signed -Type A married to a Type B (I aspire to be more Type B, there are times when I wish he'd be more Type A.  Sigh.  But the differences actually increase our compatibility -it's often a nice balance!