I wonder..(not looking for advice)

[TheCrow]

..if it's me who's an 'alien' so to speak? has to be?

Apologies comrades.. a few glasses (of French red) have been consumed.

All these ad nauseum 'what did I do wrong' threads and corresponding prim and proper goody-two-shoes replies.

'I slept with him on date 3'. 'She hasn't responded to my text in three days'. 'He was weird last weekend together'. 'She is telling me she loves me but not quite'.

'I'm depressed. I'm in debt. I'm in the process of breaking up with someone I loved. I'm a functioning alcoholic. My job is killing me from within. He asked me to come meet his family in his country of origin and then  said 'oh my ex took this and this train from this and this city' - what do I do'. 'Should I be dating???'

Guess what dudes and dudettes??

Husband and I did it all completely, totally and profoundly wrong, Wrong wrong wrong.

If it was me posting about him and I here, 19  years ago, 100% of you would say: ' - I'd leave, now'. 'You need therapy to get to the bottom of blah blah blah'. 'I'd be so gone right about now'. 'You need to be happy and content with yourself first' blaaaaaaaaaaah Etc etc etc etc.

We did it all wrong. We just were in the right place at the right time, fell madly in love, completed each other, became the other's missing half, were and are 10000% compatible in all important ways.

I was a lonely desperate mess and so was he, and then we found each other.

19th anniversary in April!!

Moral of the story: don't read too much into the .. 'enotalone' concept of this world!

 

[boltnrun]

There's really no set in stone right or wrong way to find the best partner for you.

Here's a story:

18 year old boy and 32 year old married woman meet at her husband's place of work. They begin an affair. She becomes pregnant. He attempts to induce a miscarriage by encouraging her to work out extra hard. She ultimately decides to abort. She then attempts suicide due to her guilt and regret over the abortion. He's fine with the decision to abort but feels annoyed about all the drama she's supposedly creating.

Now I'm sure 100% of the people here would have called this affair toxic and would possibly have categorized the young man as abusive. They would have chastised the woman for having an affair with a teenager and expressed sympathy for her husband. Everyone would have advised her (and likely the young man) to end this sordid affair and seek therapy.

Recently the woman and the young man celebrated their 18th wedding anniversary. They are very much in love and devoted to one another. He isn't concerned with that old adage "once a cheater, always a cheater" and she isn't worried her much younger husband might take up with a woman his own age. They're actually blissfully happy. 

So, there are many roads. Some are rocky and bumpy and full of potholes and some are smooth and effortless. 

[TheCrow]

That's such a fantastic 'would never happen' story Bolt!! Thank you for your response!

[Cherylyn]

Happy 19th wedding anniversary @TheCrow.  You and I are very blessed to have enduring, blissfully happy marriages which not everyone is fortunate to have.  There is a high rate of divorces in my and my in-laws' family trees which is typical in society.  Like you, my husband and I were very lucky to have found one another at the right place, right time.  I won the lottery with him and finding the right person in your life is like finding a needle in a haystack.

Many of us are not professional counselors nor therapists so we do the best we can regarding advice or comments.  Take it for what it's worth and if it's not applicable, then seek professional opinions and counsel.  It's not a once size fits all and each person does what is best for them because we're not living their lives for them. 

I've had my own situations and what has worked for me despite well meaning advice is to follow my gut instincts, intuition, experience with some shady individuals and use common sense for realistic, very practical courses of action in my life.

 

 

[TheCrow]

Thank you Cherylyn!

[Batya33]

Happy Anniversary! I agree with Bolt.  Disagree with your characterizaton of ENA (I like how Cherylyn put it!).  

I've got a number of examples and I'll use mine just as you used yours.

Two people meet at work, date, get engaged, she calls off wedding 6 weeks prior because she's riddled with doubts he is "the one."  Almost 8 years later they reconnect, they spark like nobody's business, conceive a child as oldies -early 40s and now been together (also married) 17 years.  And counting.  Had I posted about met this guy at work sure I'd probably have received a fair bit of input on not dating at work. 

Had I posted about whether I should have a friendly dinner with the ex fiancee I'd seen once in 7 years and had at most sporadic contact with -well you know the majority of the opinions would have been ummmmmm - nope. Oh and he'd recently ended an LTR! (OMG 😉

I wouldn't have felt this input was wrong or stereotypical or making too many assumptions - not collectively.  I'd have accepted that the people on this forum are not professionals, most mean well (I know I do!) and are informed to an extent by their past experiences.

I think if you really think that poorly of the input given here and that there is some "enotalone concept of the world" (I know factually and for sure that is not true and certainly not in any negative sense - I am grateful for this forum and so many people on it for so many reasons and have even met one of the former members in person - liked her so much!!) it just might be this forum is not a good fit for you - there are so many different forums out there or perhaps forums might end up not being your thing -totally fine.  I am also totally sure that most people will agree with me that this sort of withering criticism is unfounded -and of course you're entitled to your opinion!

Happy anniversary and that is a special thing indeed that you two found each other and continue to find each other, love each other and care for each other and be each other's person, partner in crime all of that gushy lovey dovey stuff - cherish it please -you sure sound like you do and so glad it worked out and is working for you and your loved one.

[Jaunty]

2 hours ago, TheCrow said:

 

I was a lonely desperate mess and so was he, and then we found each other.

19th anniversary in April!!

Moral of the story: don't read too much into the .. 'enotalone' concept of this world!

 

But, this site exists as a relationship advice forum.  

If someone is asking for the best advice we can give, we'd be doing a poor job if we told them "just stay a hot mess and wait around passively until you run into someone who 'COMPLETES' you.  Then you can plan on living happily ever after." 

Good for you though. 

[boltnrun]

I do agree that the vast majority of the people giving advice on this forum have good intentions. Is their advice always relevant or helpful? Probably not. But they're sincerely trying.

And many people have come back to tell us they didn't want to hear the advice they were given at the time, but came to realize it actually was good advice. They just needed to to get some distance from the situation. 

This place can be valuable to some and a waste of time for others. Kind of like life offline. 

[TheCrow]

Sorry all - let's make it 'most relationship advise forums' concept of the world!

Yet to find one I can relate to in any real way!

[catfeeder]

1 hour ago, TheCrow said:

Sorry all - let's make it 'most relationship advise forums' concept of the world!

Yet to find one I can relate to in any real way!

Hah! Well, the great new is, you are entitled to a full refund of your total purchase price.

Cheers!

[Seraphim]

My husband and I didn’t “ do it right either” 29th Anniversary next month. There are exceptions to every rule now and again. 😉

[TheCrow]

Sweet! 🙂

[TheCrow]

10 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

Hah! Well, the great new is, you are entitled to a full refund of your total purchase price.

Cheers!

Indeed, thank you!🙂

[boltnrun]

This forum is exponentially better than one I used to frequent years ago. On that forum you were not permitted to say ANYTHING other than "Hugs to you! I'm so sorry you're hurting!" or you would get an infraction. I got temporarily suspended because some guy came on and wrote that he wished he'd followed the advice we'd given him previously because it would have saved him a world of hurt and I replied that we did try to give helpful advice, and the mod said I was chastising the guy for not taking my advice! And that place purported to be an advice forum. But no advice was allowed. I gave up and ended up here lol.

This is my self imposed penance that is an attempt to atone for things I did when I was younger. 

[smackie9]

The only reason I'm here is too help provoke thought in the OP. All I hope is that it will help them make decisions that are in their best interest. Obviously they are on their own in what they feel they should do. That's why it's good to have many different opinions to get them thinking. We don't have a crystal ball, we just offer advise based on life experience. 

Now doing it all wrong when you are young, the possibilities of outcome are endless because we are still developing as human beings. We can grow, learn together, move forward and have a solid future. BUT The older we get, the more set in our ways. That means it's necessary to not deal with a hot mess because we can't expect that window of growth anymore. It's gone. 

[Seraphim]

4 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

The only reason I'm here is too help provoke thought in the OP. All I hope is that it will help them make decisions that are in their best interest. Obviously they are on their own in what they feel they should do. That's why it's good to have many different opinions to get them thinking. We don't have a crystal ball, we just offer advise based on life experience. 

Now doing it all wrong when you are young, the possibilities of outcome are endless because we are still developing as human beings. We can grow, learn together, move forward and have a solid future. BUT The older we get, the more set in our ways. That means it's necessary to not deal with a hot mess because we can't expect that window of growth anymore. It's gone. 

I agree, the older I get the less hot mess BS I want to put up with. I can also see people making mistakes I made and mistakes others have made. Some listen to advice and some want to do it the hard way. 

[TheCrow]

Smacke: we weren't young at all. I was 33 and him 36.

I looked at him and died.

Still dying!!😋

[Seraphim]

4 minutes ago, TheCrow said:

Smacke: we weren't young at all. I was 33 and him 36.

I looked at him and died.

Still dying!!😋

We were young. We met at 20 and 22. He was my very first and only relationship. Not recommended as very very very few first young relationships work out . But here we are 34 years later . 

[TheCrow]

OMG no way!

Ha, he for damn sure wasn't my first.;)

[TheCrow]

It is actually still a joke between us. 'BUT didn't I tell you I was a virgin???' Hahaha!

He, my LOVE, is one of those "tall dark and handsome' specimen. Half Italian, half French. 6.2, about 180 pounds.. Could you ask for more?! 🙂

I like them very tall and very slim )

[boltnrun]

My husband was my ideal physical type (tall, blond, blue eyes, lean, long arms and legs and no facial hair) but unfortunately I didn't "change" after marriage like he expected me to and I lacked patience and (and selflessness) to try to change to accommodate him so we only lasted 14 years married. But I don't regret him because I got my wonderful and amazing son 🙂

[Batya33]

Hopefully not off topic but related to the value of the advice given here. Last night -and this is rare -I had a lot of trouble falling asleep after waking up because of work stress -and silly stress (often it is middle of night).

I almost convinced myself to log on to work to check something but this most likely would have woken up my husband and was entirely unnecessary. 

Then I remembered -I strongly believe Catfeeder has given this advice in the past -but surely it was someone here -she gets up, gets a piece of paper, writes down what is stressing her and that helps her.  I have all sorts of rituals like that but I ended up doing that instead of logging on - and that helped so much. It felt silly (and I'd written stuff down before -but so so long ago) but seeing it on paper gave me perspective on how ridiculous it was to be stressed at 1:33AM.

My on topic point is -no that doesn't have to do with specific relationship advice but it shows how valuable this forum can be because I see people post here about insomnia (and I did many years ago -called it New Mom Insomnia or something) - and none of us is an expert but when well meaning people share input like that it often helps as it did for me.

And indirectly it is relationship advice because sleep and how we interact with our partners around sleep is often important to getting along well/treating each other with respect.  Thanks (Catfeeder or whoever has written that!!)

[SooSad33]

On 3/13/2023 at 5:54 PM, TheCrow said:

All these ad nauseum 'what did I do wrong' threads and corresponding prim and proper goody-two-shoes replies.

This, we are not.

I hung on to this forum because it DID help me deal with some really hard times. Way back 10 yrs ago.

I do find it helpful to 'reach out' and voice one's issues, by all means.

People do what they choose and whether it be here, family or friends, heck, it's all ways to try & see things differently or be told the obvious.  It's for good measures.

Some people do come to realize what they're being told in the end. Some relationships were falling apart, some maybe succeeded. Either way, this site is awesome IMO. 🙂 

So, if someone comes here to vent or ask some advice, all the power to them! Is good to ask for other's opinions 😉 . No harm, really....right?

Is fine, if you wonder.  Is great if your relationship succeeded. That's just for you & your experience.  Many do not.  All the best.