Cold personality in child

[Anonymous]

My child has developed a cold personality towards myself and others, often preferring to be alone over spending time with friends (sometimes) or family.  She's entering the teenage years so I know avoiding your mom and blaming (me) for everything can fall within a normal-ish range.  Her responses are one-word answers, withholding and cold.  If I smile at her (naturally) she holds a stone-cold face/glare.  She is very angry with me for having had to change schools as a result of a job change/move.  While she's able to stay in touch with former friends, she refuses to make new ones and is perpetually angry and miserable.  She is currently seeing a therapist.  While that has helped, it's as if she's painted herself into a corner where she needs to keep hating everything to prove her point that 'I've ruined everything'.

My question isn't about how to change this because if there were a way, I would have found it already.  I don't know how to protect myself (emotionally) from what feels like such daggers being directed at me.  I'm aiming at home to make sure she has good meals so that she is nutritionally supported in addition to her therapy and trying to invite her to spend more time with me.  I am mourning the little girl who just loved me up and found joy in every little thing, but has grown out of that phase and I'm so sad that that time won't ever return.  I question all the time what I could've/would've done differently.  I wonder what parts are 'pandemic residue', what parts are developmental and what is just my horrible failing.  If I could buy her some happiness or climb up a mountain and get it for her, I would.  I'm very worried that she won't be a happy adult.

I'm not sure I have a question here but could sure use some mama-love.  She has been away on a trip this week with her dad and the break from our dynamic has been enjoyable and peaceful.  I don't know how to maintain that for myself while still attending to her.  I have no problem loving her through her depression and teenager-ness, but her cold affect, apathy and disinterest towards me is cutting me up inside.

If you have walked this or a similar path, please let me know there is light ahead in this lonely, dark tunnel!

 

Thank you 

[mylolita]

Morning Anon!

 

I’m sorry to hear you and your daughter are struggling. A move, new house and new school is huge for anyone, even an adult.

 

I have three children, but mine are all still tiny (5 year old boy, 3 year old girl, 18 month baby) so I am yet to experience these delightful teenage years! I’m only 5 years into parenting, rookie numbers at best, so please, take my reply with a pinch of salt I’m just having an open think on what could ease her into this new transition. 
 

Can I ask how long has it been since she has moved and started schools, and how old is she (young teens?) 

 

It seems like you need to get the communication going again. You both need to open up. She needs support, but so do you. You need the support of your daughter in the form of her love and affection, and she needs to feel like you have her interests at heart and will try to care for her and solve her problems with her no matter what. 
 

Is there anyway you can find a neutral alone one on one time to sit down and say love, please, let’s talk? I’m not angry at you I just want to help? How can I help? 
 

Maybe she is having a hard time at school? Maybe she is feeling strange about going through puberty? Misses friends? Blames you still for splitting (I take it you’re separated from her father?) Maybe she has other concerns, but you won’t know and can’t help because she doesn’t feel comfortable or want to tell you. She knows this hurts you and is using it as a weapon - but you’re the adult, and as unfair as it is, you need to be the bigger person and as you have been trying to do, get down to her level and make her open up.

 

How about, suggest one weekend arranging and travelling back to see her old friends? If they don’t live too far away, how about tell her she can have one or two over to stay at the weekend? Take her on a shopping trip? Take her out to eat at her favourite restaurant or takeaway, say you’d love too, or is there a film she is wanting to see? Tell her you want to go see it with her - time just you and her? Don’t force her but by the end, she might open up a little?

 

Sometimes children feel that lack of control. They are at the mercy of the parents decisions and have no power. She didn’t want to move but she had too. Did you talk about it with her at the time, try and find a way not to move? It‘s important they feel included and consulted in the big life changes and decisions. 

I realise this for tiny kids like mine, that they thrive on routine and familiarity, makes them feel secure. It seems like she feels her security has been whipped out from under her feet and she blames you. You need to let her know you’re sorry, you wish you could have stayed, and that you don’t want  an argument, just to hear her out and try to make little changes to better things.

 

Life happens, things can’t be perfect all the time. Kids adapt just like adults, but it‘s a tentative time full of insecurity often for teenagers. Maybe think back to how you felt to try to get in her shoes? 
 

You deserve good behaviour from your daughter, you sound like you are trying very hard - it seems constant time and attention spent with her on a regular basis might eventually open her up, but you might have to slowly and softly chip away at this for months. She needs to know she can tell you anything and you are not going to get mad. Every weekend you might have to dedicate a day, something like that. Ask her maybe if she has any groups at school or after she would like to join? Any hobbies she would like to start? Ask her if she would like to decorate her room at the weekend? Choose paint, new duvet, a few accessories? You could say, what’s your favourite colour at the mo? Should we go pick some nice paint? Get some fairy lights? A few throw blankets and some cute baskets or trinket boxes to arrange your things? Then swing through McDonalds on the way back? Let her feel like she has had a say in something, (aka her room, her private space, her sanctuary) and made a little corner of this new place hers? Do it as a project together? 
 

All the best,

 

Let us know how it goes. I’m sorry if my suggestions seem useless, it’s top of my head stuff because Anon I have never had teenagers! Good luck,

 

x

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, Guest Anonymous said:

 I'm aiming at home to make sure she has good meals so that she is nutritionally supported in addition to her therapy and trying to invite her to spend more time with me

You're doing a good job. She's trying to assert her independence and pushing parents away is part of that. Give her more autonomy and privacy. 

Let her make more choices and be careful not to baby or smother her. Let her choose her own food, friends, and how she spends time. Loosen the reins a bit to adjust to this phase.

[Seraphim]

Did you recently divorce ? Also moving is a horrible upheaval for any teenager. I am not saying you were horrible to move at all. I’m just saying it’s horrible for teenagers, especially teenagers to move. Part of their identity is based on their friends and friendships. I remember moving many times as a teen and young adult and it was emotionally heartbreaking. I hated my parents for it . 
 

The pushing away is normal for teenagers and part anger at moving . I think it will subside in time . Don’t expect a little girl back though that will never happen again. I totally think you will have a good relationship with her again, but she won’t ever be a little girl. She is becoming her own person and trying to become an adult . 
 

The emotional horror of the pandemic was really bad for young people. My son is 25 and he became political and bitter and angry which he had never been in his life and was always screaming and yelling . It is subsiding some but he is very angry at what he considers the stupidity of the world. It has made a massive impact on their lives especially and will greatly influence them throughout  life .

I know it is hard but remain calm and she does love you. She is just going through really difficult times and needs to do this herself. Just be supportive and loving and she will remember that . Just remember the human brain and human regulation of their emotion isn’t really solidified until later 20s. 

[Batya33]

I'm sorry and hugs to you -I know the tween/teenage years are hard -my son is almost 14 and I do think the pandemic had a real effect -my son had just turned 11 when it started and literally the day before "the world" shut down he experienced his BFF having to cancel his bday party last minute because at that point a bowling party likely was not advisable.  Followed by other large and small cancellations, adjustments, topsy turvy -at such a vulnerable time!

What does her therapist say? Do you talk to the therapist? It sounds like individual not family.  I won't suggest the books I know to help you communicate better with her because you said you didn't want that. 

What I would do -double down on taking care of yourself - for me exercise helps me psychologically -I know of many who do yoga if that's your thing (done it in the past -not for me, on a practical level) - and I know this sounds - simplistic -but yesterday I happened to take some time browsing the fiction in my local library for about 15 minutes and with all going on in my life (a lot good but still stressful!) - it was such a nice respite just to browse and remember authors I haven't thought of in a long time, see awesome books I've read, etc.  I love bookstores too - so try to recall what gives you that feeling and see if you can take time to do whatever it is.  Honestly grocery shopping -alone! - relaxes me too -gives me a healthier mindset.  

I'm sorry you are struggling! And that she is so angry! (Also what does your ex say -forgive me if you are married -I read it as if it's a co-parent situation). 

[Seraphim]

I will say as well it is completely normal to mourn the loss of our “little children” when they start to become adults. I miss my sweet tiny boy too. But I also adore my 6”1” man as well. 

[Kwothe28]

I think you are making a classic parents blunder. Your job as a parent is not that your kids like you. It wouldnt be a bad thing, but that is simply not your job. Your job as a parent is to raise them properly. That means that in time they should become a functioning individuals that would participate in a society without any issues.

On top of that your kid is a rebelious teenager. That you separated from familiar environment, maybe even from the father(we dont know the situation there, but you did mentioned she is away with her dad now). Ofcourse she wouldnt be very fond of change. 

You are doing OK. Making sure she is well fed, to go to school, to even see the therapist if there is any issue. So you are doing your job as a parent properly. Just because she isnt "your little baby" anymore doesnt mean you are not doing a good job. Quite often, the parents work is not always validated by kids. Again, your job isnt to be loved by the child, its to raise her.

[savignon]

2 hours ago, Seraphim said:

 I remember moving many times as a teen and young adult and it was emotionally heartbreaking. I hated my parents for it . 

I am curious to know if you have forgiven them and how your relationship is now.

[savignon]

59 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

You are doing OK. Making sure she is well fed, to go to school, to even see the therapist if there is any issue. So you are doing your job as a parent properly. Just because she isnt "your little baby" anymore doesnt mean you are not doing a good job. Quite often, the parents work is not always validated by kids. Again, your job isnt to be loved by the child, its to raise her.

This actually helped!  You're right, it's not my job to be liked and I am doing "ok".  I don't know if you have kids, but when they're little, they don't just 'like' you, they adoooooore you.  It is bittersweet to have that phase end (as it's supposed to).  I do love her more grown-up self as well, of course.... I just look back on the sweetness and think I stole it from her or something.

Thank you for that- that was helpful.

[Seraphim]

3 minutes ago, savignon said:

I am curious to know if you have forgiven them and how your relationship is now.

Oh yes ! Absolutely. My mom and I adore each other . My dad is dead. He was very abusive so my relationship with him was very minimal. I had wished for more but it wasn’t to be. 
 

My son was very distraught to move at 12 but he has long forgiven the issue as he is 25 now. 

[savignon]

2 hours ago, Batya33 said:

 

What I would do -double down on taking care of yourself - 

This is my plan.  I've had this week alone to reset in many ways and I think this is the approach I need to take.  I have spent years reading self-help books and inundating myself with "things that need to be fixed" so I need to focus on some more light-hearted activities to get me moving and thinking about not-so-serious stuff.

Her therapist thinks its regular depression (vs anything more serious) and her dad is supportive and lives nearby.  She is quite loved all-around and always has been.  So she has that in her corner whatever else happens.

Thank you you for your thoughtful reply as always!

[catfeeder]

How long since your divorce or separation from her father?

How long ago was your move, and how far away?

You mention father being close, so that's a plus. Have you and he ever discussed any shifts in custody, where daughter could, even temporarily, spend a majority of her time with him?

I only raise this from research having been a child of divorce myself. It's common for such children to harbor fantasies about each parent serving a hero-or-villain role, and to benefit by switching custodial parents at some point. It teaches a new appreciation of both parents, because it challenges ideas about who was cast as a villain--and why.

In terms of pulling yourself off the guilt train, I just read a great statement from Michelle Obama's new book about the instinctive desire to protect children from feelings of fear and dissatisfaction. How each time we do so, it deprives the child of one more opportunity to develop feelings of competence and mastery.

So maybe instead of trying to function daily against an imposed power struggle, Dad offers daughter an 'out'. She may or not accept, but if not, she's empowered by choice, and if so, she's empowered to recreate the narrative into which she's cast both of her parents.

Just a thought from someone who would have done far less damage to myself in my teens had I been given a choice--or at least the appearance of a choice.