Guy suddenly acting distant after heavily pursuing me

[MissCanuck]

Unfortunately, most of what you took as positive signs were in fact huge red flags. 

Getting involved this quickly and this intensely is the sign that something is off with this man. I would be very wary of a guy who lives this far way attempting to bulldoze into my life, wanting to meet my nearest and dearest, wanting to chat with my mother, wanting me to stay at his house the first time we meet - none of that is good. It would creep me out, actually. 

Men like him can smell the vulnerability in women are craving a relationship.  He may or may not have commitment issues, but I promise you this was never going to work out the way you dreamed. It's going to be a painful but very important lesson: steer clear of men who behave the way this one did. They're the ones to run from, not towards. 

[Batya33]

8 hours ago, jwrunner81 said:

Anyway, I did have an amazing time when I went to meet this guy and spent 5 days with him.  It was the most fun I've had in I don't know how long.  He pampered me and showered with with attention and affection.  I REALLY fell hard for him.  The sex was amazing as well.  He even took me to meet his parents and co-workers.  Again, I took all of these things as very positive signs, but I guess I was wrong.  I'm just so hurt and disappointed, and even confused by how he went from being so hot to so cold.  I really, really liked him and I truly thought he was being genuine and honest and I thought he was serious about wanting to pursue a potential relationship. 

Yes I'd go with the latest trendy label of love bombing (was not a label when I was dating and also experienced men like that) but you were not a victim.  You enjoyed the benefits of it and that's fine -just know that you were tempted by the benefits so next time you can step outside yourself, see the overhwelming actions of the stranger and make better choices for your emotional health.

I would not go with signs.  Ever.  The only signs that are relevant when you meet a stranger is if he wants to see you again he will ask you for an official first date he plans in advance or if you are cool with asking him for that first date he will except enthusiastically. That means he is interested in going on a date. One date.  One date at a time. 

If he is interested in being exclusive and not pursuing others to date he will want you to know that ASAP and directly and simply -no reading into signs.  Why in the world would a person who finds another person special and is into getting to know that person exclusivlely want that person to have to read into signs and  risk that person assuming there was no exclusivity and going off to meet other people? 

I was introduced to parents, friends, colleagues by men who weren't that into me.  But they were into parading me around as "the new girlfriend" and playing at being a couple - I was not a victim.  I never assumed this meant they were that into me unless we had the talk.  And I never had casual sex because I didn't desire it -the downsides of getting emotionally attached and/or an STD and/or pregnant were not worth it at all.  

I quoted what you wrote because there was a part of you that wanted to be pampered and showered with affection even by a stranger. I know you were feeling vulnerable -I've been there -

I once ended up with a stranger on a subway train with his arm around me because I was 19, my high school sweetheart had just ended things and both my sister and my BFF had recently gotten engaged to their SOs.  I felt like such a single loser (I know I was so very young!) so when this man on the subway started flirting with me (I was looking through a bridal magazine for bridesmaid dresses) I ignored the red flags until I felt his arm around me.  Had I not been feeling that way he'd never have gotten past a flirtatious greeting - but in my "state" I was feeling so fragile.  I get it.  Be careful out there ok? I'm sorry you are disappointed.  

He didn't go from hot to cold -the hot part was coming on to a stranger. He didn't know you -he wasn't hot for "you" -it wasn't possible.  And then he only knew you for 5 days.  You've known pairs of your socks better -which ones you love despite the holes, which ones you take when you travel cause you don't care if you lose them. 

So the "cold" simply was he decided he wasn't interested or interested enough in seeing you again - a person he'd met for a couple of days -he got to stay home and you traveled to him -no lifting a finger needed.  He also was hot for your body - but that's a dime a dozen -you'll have sexual chemistry with a variety of people and doesn't mean you are hot for them as a person or vice versa.  He still doesn't know you in person romantically - 5 days is a really short time and you two spent a percentage of that having sex which is not knowing each other as the whole person especially when it's sex with a stranger.  

[Andrina]

8 hours ago, jwrunner81 said:

I have absolutely no idea why none of his previous relationships worked out because that's not something he shared with me.  My best friend thinks he didn't share anything about his past relationships because it's probably not pretty and something that he doesn't want to share.  After spending 5 days together, I believe that he needed/wanted his space.  I have absolutely no idea what's going on with him or what he's feeling or thinking, but it sure does suck being left hanging and really liking this guy, but am now barely hearing from him and having no idea what his deal is.

So don't be left hanging. Cut yourself loose. It's like you haven't learned anything if after all this, you would be reeled in again if he began to warm up after his cold spell. He doesn't even deserve a goodbye. Block his number.

You've written walls of text about this guy, and he can't even bother to text unless nudged by you. And regarding your last line in this excerpt--it doesn't matter what his deal is, and he's not worth one more second in your head.

As fun as sex is, unfortunately for women, particular hormones are released during the act to make her want to bond to a man, even if he's a piece of crap. 

My advice is for future dating, stick to local guys and don't be intimate until you know what you need to know about a guy over a longer period of time, and to date at a normal pace. Not slow, not fast--a plain, normal, keeping your feet on the ground and head out of the clouds pace.

You're a human being who makes mistakes, just like we all do, so don't beat yourself up about a newbie snafu, as long as you learn from it. I made numerous mistakes of my own when in the dating world. 

Take some time to learn about yourself solo. You've been part of a couple for so long. Maybe with pampering yourself, finding out how to live happily for now as a single person, will serve you well when you are ready to venture into the dating world again.

There is a big difference between seeking a person to make you happy, versus a healthier situation where you're already happy and seeking a companion to share your joy.

Take care.

[savignon]

Unrelated to love-bombing, but just in the "beware" category... I enjoy talking to strangers/getting to know new people and this experience freaked me out about myself.

I was at the dog park one day and a guy was talking to me (he was no threat at all, was not prying, was not asking me 1000 questions... which is the point of what I'm about to say)....  by the time I left the dog park, I was driving home thinking about the amount of information I shared with this total stranger.  He knew my profession, where I worked, what condo complex I lived in, that I was a single mom.. (=living alone)... (!!!!!)  That was information I VOLUNTEERED without being sweet-talked or even asked.... yiiiiikes!!!!  It really shook me that I shared that much about myself in a brief and random exchange with a complete stranger.  Like I said, this guy wasn't even asking... we were just talking.  He shared similar info about himself.  But I was driving home like "you're an IDIOT.  Don't ever do that again!"

All to say- be careful out there! xo

[Superstickyone]

Never go to a man's house and stay with him, especially if he's a new online meet.  You don't really know him at all.  He charmed you with his words.  He should be courting you by driving to see YOU.  Not the other way around.  I'm 😨 afraid he love bombed you with  the expectation of a hookup.  How easy for him and no courting needed! Charm a lady online get her to come to me, stay for a few days, have sex, then onto the next.

I hate to sound blunt but this was a fling to him.  Definitely make a man wait for sex if you want a relationship.  This situation involved very little investment on his part, except for online love ❤️ bombing.  Then you show up at his home on a platter.

What should have happened.  He should come to you and take you on real dates!

Please don't do this again with a man!

 

 

[Batya33]

46 minutes ago, Superstickyone said:

Never go to a man's house and stay with him, especially if he's a new online meet.  You don't really know him at all.  He charmed you with his words.  He should be courting you by driving to see YOU.  Not the other way around.  I'm 😨 afraid he love bombed you with  the expectation of a hookup.  How easy for him and no courting needed! Charm a lady online get her to come to me, stay for a few days, have sex, then onto the next.

I hate to sound blunt but this was a fling to him.  Definitely make a man wait for sex if you want a relationship.  This situation involved very little investment on his part, except for online love ❤️ bombing.  Then you show up at his home on a platter.

What should have happened.  He should come to you and take you on real dates!

Please don't do this again with a man!

 

 

I don’t think he did anything wrong. Two consenting adults. She loved the attention and then the experience being with him. I met a few men who didn’t live close by / I avoided that situation mostly - and since I lived in a cool city if he did not and wanted to see the sights he would travel but then I’d offer to treat for a meal etc as that seemed fair. I was a traditional person and men “courted” me and at the same time since I was an independent adult and a thoughtful person I didn’t insist a man drive long distances or in crowded traffic if there was a more convenient way to spend time together. For example I went out four times with a man I met on line. For the fourth time he asked if I’d take the commuter train to where he lived. He lived about a 45 minute drive from me. We met and had dinner and walked around the cute town. Fourth date. I honestly don’t think I saw his apartment. If I did it was for a few minutes maybe to use the restroom ?
 

We had a “public “ date and we kissed goodbye. He saw me to the train and asked me to let him know I got home safely. I was happy to do this - he traveled to me the first 3 times. (It also was our last date.  He didn’t call me. I Googled him about a year later. Curious.  He died of colon cancer. Early 40s. In hindsight I’d noticed he looked sort of pasty or pale and perhaps - tragically - he was diagnosed soon after a chose not to call me. Or perhaps he was not the interested in another date. No idea. So very sad though. 
I do think what her guy did wrong is not texting her to say he wasn’t interested in seeing her again. After five days together that would be the right thing to do IMO. But if he love bombed her she responded positively and didn’t tell him to slow down etc. which is fine. She wanted the upside of this sort of interaction. 

[jwrunner81]

I greatly appreciate all of the feedback and opinions.  I am officially done texting him.  If he decides to reach out to me, so be it, but I'm done being the only one putting in any effort at keeping the dialogue going between us these last 2-3 weeks since I returned home from visiting him.  Frankly, it's getting exhausting and extremely frustrating/disappointing.  In the beginning, it was all him heavily pursuing me and keeping in constant contact, but now that has all come to a screeching halt.  I agree that he should have been the one to travel to meet me and then I could have gone to visit him after he showed me that he was serious by investing the time and effort by traveling to where I live.  My late husband and I also met online and lived 3 hours apart and he was the one to travel to meet me for the first time.  This should have been no different.  He did try to get me to let him pay for a plane ticket so I wouldn't have to drive, but I didn't feel comfortable with that, so I just drove.  I also should have made me court me A LOT longer than just a couple of weeks before agreeing to meet him in person.  He actually wanted me to come to visit him a week earlier, but I was extremely hesitant and didn't go, but ended up going a week later - still far too soon, and now I'm basically being ghosted as a result.  The whole situation just sucks.  I had been neglected and emotionally abused for so many years by my late husband that I was literally CRAVING this sort of attention from a guy and I got much too wrapped up in all of this attention and affection that he was showing me to clearly see the warning signs/red flags.  He had me so convinced that he was genuine and sincere in his words and actions.  I guess I also thought that he would be more settled/mature and not play these types of games since he's older.  Silly me.   

[jwrunner81]

16 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I do think what her guy did wrong is not texting her to say he wasn’t interested in seeing her again. After five days together that would be the right thing to do IMO. But if he love bombed her she responded positively and didn’t tell him to slow down etc. which is fine. She wanted the upside of this sort of interaction. 

This is what I find so strange.  If he's not interested in pursuing an actual relationship or if he just wants to slow down and be more casual, why not just tell me?  He does still respond to a majority of my texts, but he has stopped calling and FaceTiming in the last 10 days, which is very strange.  I did text him once last night and once this morning, but got no response.  I do know that he's going out of state for several days for a work conference on Monday.  Maybe he just wants space?  Maybe he realized he moved way too fast?  Maybe his ex is back in the picture?  Is he wanting to keep me on the side for future rendezvous?  Is he dealing with something in his personal life that's caused him to pull back?  I genuinely have no idea because he hasn't communicated what he's feeling at all to me, which is EXTREMELY frustrating.  After spending 5 days together and me driving 300 miles there and back to see him, I feel that I'm at least owed that much.  I'm the type of person who needs an open and honest line of communication.  If he doesn't want to see me again, fine....just tell me.  I'm a big girl and I can handle it.  It will hurt, but at least I'll know and have some closure and be able to move on.  He hasn't said that he's no longer interested, but the significant dwindling in his communication/contact since our visit speaks volumes.  

One thing that I forgot to mention is that during my visit, there was one day when we were going out for a walk on the beach and then going to lunch and we had to stop by his ex-girlfriend's house (who was out of town) to make sure her pipes didn't freeze since it was extremely cold.  When we got there, he said, "This is my ex's house."  A bit awkward..... 

[boltnrun]

He won't tell you.  He'll just fade and expect you to get the hint.  He may also want to keep you on the backburner in case he wants you to travel to him for more sex and companionship.

You really don't know him at all to know if this is typical behavior for him.  You spent about a week with him in person and the rest was over electronic devices, which isn't a valid way to get to know someone.

Next time he invites you to come stay with him I hope you tell him "no, thanks".

[Sindy_0311]

2 minutes ago, jwrunner81 said:

This is what I find so strange.  If he's not interested in pursuing an actual relationship or if he just wants to slow down and be more casual, why not just tell me?  He does still respond to a majority of my texts, but he has stopped calling and FaceTiming in the last 10 days, which is very strange.  Maybe he just wants space?  Maybe he realized he moved way too fast?  Maybe his ex is back in the picture?  Is he wanting to keep me on the side for future rendezvous?  I genuinely have no idea because he hasn't communicated what he's feeling at all to me, which is EXTREMELY frustrating.  I'm the type of person who needs an open and honest line of communication.  If he doesn't want to see me again, fine....just tell me.  I'm a big girl and I can handle it.  It will hurt, but at least I'll know and have some closure and be able to move on.  He hasn't said that he's no longer interested, but the significant dwindling in his communication since our visit speaks volumes.  

He is slow fading because he doesn’t want to hurt you by having this king of discussion with you, he’s immature and hopes you will get the message by your own. His Silence is a decision. I suggest you don’t reach out ever again and move one. Good riddance. 

[Batya33]

18 minutes ago, jwrunner81 said:

I greatly appreciate all of the feedback and opinions.  I am officially done texting him.  If he decides to reach out to me, so be it, but I'm done being the only one putting in any effort at keeping the dialogue going between us these last 2-3 weeks since I returned home from visiting him.  Frankly, it's getting exhausting and extremely frustrating/disappointing.  In the beginning, it was all him heavily pursuing me and keeping in constant contact, but now that has all come to a screeching halt.  I agree that he should have been the one to travel to meet me and then I could have gone to visit him after he showed me that he was serious by investing the time and effort by traveling to where I live.  My late husband and I also met online and lived 3 hours apart and he was the one to travel to meet me for the first time.  This should have been no different.  He did try to get me to let him pay for a plane ticket so I wouldn't have to drive, but I didn't feel comfortable with that, so I just drove.  I also should have made me court me A LOT longer than just a couple of weeks before agreeing to meet him in person.  He actually wanted me to come to visit him a week earlier, but I was extremely hesitant and didn't go, but ended up going a week later - still far too soon, and now I'm basically being ghosted as a result.  The whole situation just sucks.  I had been neglected and emotionally abused for so many years by my late husband that I was literally CRAVING this sort of attention from a guy and I got much too wrapped up in all of this attention and affection that he was showing me to clearly see the warning signs/red flags.  He had me so convinced that he was genuine and sincere in his words and actions.  I guess I also thought that he would be more settled/mature and not play these types of games since he's older.  Silly me.   

Typing and talking to a stranger is nit courting. Courting is dates in public. To get to know each other or in private but often not having casual sex. I think you also played games with your emotions.  He didn’t play a game but acted inappropriately by fading out. I wouldn’t stay in touch with him.  He lives far away. He’s shown he’s unreliable.   What’s the point. If you do want a casual sex arrangement and you have time to drive or fly then sure because you said the sex was good. 

[jwrunner81]

20 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

He won't tell you.  He'll just fade and expect you to get the hint.  He may also want to keep you on the backburner in case he wants you to travel to him for more sex and companionship.

You really don't know him at all to know if this is typical behavior for him.  You spent about a week with him in person and the rest was over electronic devices, which isn't a valid way to get to know someone.

Next time he invites you to come stay with him I hope you tell him "no, thanks".

Very true.  I really don't know anything about him aside from his career, his education, where he lives, how long he's lived there, that he built his house a couple of years ago, some of his hobbies, his age, and I met his elderly parents.  That's literally all I know.   As far as his past relationships and why he's never been married, I know absolutely nothing about that.  I also have no idea if this is typical behavior for him or if what I saw was even his true personality.  We only started talking online a little over a month ago and then only spent 5 days together in person.  Obviously, he was putting on his A game when we first started talking, but that may not have been the real him and he could have just been love bombing with ulterior motives.  That's not nearly enough time to really get to know someone.  I have a feeling that I'll probably hear from him at some point and that he'll want to get together again, but I'll have to take a hard pass.  This isn't healthy or normal at all.  I'm looking for something genuine and real.  I'm not into these immature high school-like games.  I'm 41 and he's 55.  We're both much too old for this BS.  My best friend says I made it way too easy for him and that's probably why he's lost interest.  Some men just enjoy the chase and then start to fade away once they get what they want.

[Batya33]

6 minutes ago, jwrunner81 said:

Very true.  I really don't know anything about him aside from his career, his education, where he lives, how long he's lived there, that he built his house a couple of years ago, some of his hobbies, his age, and I met his elderly parents.  That's literally all I know.   As far as his past relationships and why he's never been married, I know absolutely nothing about that.  I also have no idea if this is typical behavior for him or if what I saw was even his true personality.  We only started talking online a little over a month ago and then only spent 5 days together in person.  Obviously, he was putting on his A game when we first started talking, but that may not have been the real him.  That's not nearly enough to really get to know someone.  I have a feeling that I'll probably hear from him at some point and that he'll want to get together again, but I'll have to take a hard pass.  This isn't healthy or normal at all.  I'm looking for something genuine and real.  I'm not into these immature games.  My best friend says I made it way too easy for him and that's probably why he's lost interest.  Some men just enjoy the chase and then start to fade away once they get what they want.

No - please do not get jaded about men.  Some people enjoy the thrill of the chase, some people enjoy casual sex, some don't.  Some people meet and have sex and get married a year or so later and some people wait a year to have sex and get married.  Whatever.  There is no "men" -some men act like jerks, some men change their minds after meeting, so do some women.  If you go there you'll wear your jaded face sooner or later when meeting people and people who are well meaning will be turned off -why bother with being guilty till proven innocent.  

He is acting in a healthy normal way for a person who enjoys casual sex. What is not appropriate is him not being open with you after 5 days together that he did not see potential and knew you were thinking serious potential. It's jerky behavior.  Not "abnormal".  

I don't think you should see him again because he acted like a jerk in this manner and because it seems that he would prefer a sexual arrangement and that is not what you want.

[jwrunner81]

11 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

 

I don't think you should see him again because he acted like a jerk in this manner and because it seems that he would prefer a sexual arrangement and that is not what you want.

I do agree.  The worst part is that he repeatedly alluded to us being in a relationship.  He even said to me at least once, "You're in a relationship now.  You have to be able to compromise."   He also said, "I don't want to compete with your past" when I was talking about the not so great and toxic relationship that my husband and I had during the last several years of his life.  Another thing that he said to me a few times prior to me visiting him was, "You have a difficult time accepting the fact that someone likes you, don't you?"  These were all of the statements and behaviors that made me believe he was being genuine and sincere.  😞 

[Sindy_0311]

7 minutes ago, jwrunner81 said:

I do agree.  The worst part is that he repeatedly alluded to us being in a relationship.  He even said to me at least once, "You're in a relationship now.  You have to be able to compromise."   He also said, "I don't want to compete with your past" when I was talking about the not so great and toxic relationship that my husband and I had during the last several years of his life.  Another thing that he said to me a few times prior to me visiting him was, "You have a difficult time accepting the fact that someone likes you, don't you?"  These were all of the statements and behaviors that made me believe he was being genuine and sincere.  😞 

These are only words. Actions speak louder than words and he showed you his real intentions with his silence. But this is something you can evaluate only with time… and you rushed to fast into it to figure it out. 

[jwrunner81]

41 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

These are only words. Actions speak louder than words and he showed you his real intentions with his silence. But this is something you can evaluate only with time… and you rushed to fast into it to figure it out. 

Very true.  This past month since we started talking and meeting has been an absolute whirlwind.  It actually feels like it's been far more than a month because so much has happened in such a short amount of time with this whole thing.  It blows my mind to think that I didn't even know this guy and he didn't exist in my world just a little over 4 weeks ago and then he suddenly came into my life like a giant explosion and everything went at warped speed.  I've never experienced anything like this in my entire life.  It all happened SO fast and all at once when, in reality, it should have gone at a much steadier pace and not been so rushed.  I never expected anything like this.  I almost felt blindsided at first and didn't know how to handle it, but he sure won me over pretty quickly with his words.  I don't even remember a lot of this past month because I was so blinded and googly-eyed by all of this constant attention that I was getting from him and the ridiculous number of hours we spent on FaceTime before I went to meet him.  I was completely consumed by him.  Next thing I knew, not even a full two weeks after we started talking, I was at his house, in his bed, and all snuggled up to him, kissing him, getting massages/back rubs from him, eventually having sex, etc.🤦‍♀️.  We first met online on January 22nd, and I went to visit him on February 2nd and came home February 7th.  Despite the fact that I truly enjoyed myself and had an amazing time with him, it was way too much way too soon and now I'm left hurt and feeling like an absolute idiot.  How in the hell did I develop such strong feelings for this guy in such a ridiculously short amount of time?!  Ugh.  All that I know for certain at this point is that I will no longer be initiating contact with him.  If he wants to contact me, he has my number and knows how to reach me.

[Sindy_0311]

15 minutes ago, jwrunner81 said:

Very true.  This past month since we started talking and meeting has been an absolute whirlwind.  It actually feels like it's been far more than a month because so much has happened in such a short amount of time with this whole thing.  I've never experienced anything like this in my entire life.  It all happened SO fast and all at once when, in reality, it should have gone at a much steadier pace and not been so rushed.  I never expected anything like this.  I don't even remember a lot of this past month because I was so blinded and googly-eyed by all of this constant attention that I was getting from him and the ridiculous number of hours we spent on FaceTime before I went to meet him.  Next thing I knew, not even a full two weeks after we started talking, I was at his house, in his bed, and all snuggled up to him🤦‍♀️.  We first met online on January 22nd, and I went to visit him on February 2nd and came home February 7th.  It was way too much way too soon and now I'm left hurt and feeling like an absolute idiot.

You are not an idiot, we have all been there. It’s only a question of experience. You will learn from that experience and adjust your behavior next time you meet someone you are attracted to. Think as if this one guy was the one who opened the path for you to meet the right one. Some people would repeat same patterns over and over again, but you have the willingness and the ability to question yourself which is a quality. So don’t beat yourself up and keep moving on. Will be hard, even tough somedays but you will find your good guy. 

[boltnrun]

27 minutes ago, jwrunner81 said:

If he wants to contact me, he has my number and knows how to reach me.

I hope you're not considering continuing to allow him access to you.

[Batya33]

3 hours ago, jwrunner81 said:

I do agree.  The worst part is that he repeatedly alluded to us being in a relationship.  He even said to me at least once, "You're in a relationship now.  You have to be able to compromise."   He also said, "I don't want to compete with your past" when I was talking about the not so great and toxic relationship that my husband and I had during the last several years of his life.  Another thing that he said to me a few times prior to me visiting him was, "You have a difficult time accepting the fact that someone likes you, don't you?"  These were all of the statements and behaviors that made me believe he was being genuine and sincere.  😞 

But he never asked you to be in a relationship when you met in person.  He may have been genuine and sincere -he did like you - he wanted to meet you and spend time with you and have sex with you as you did with him.  But online typing and talking is not at all relevant to whether two people are compatible for a romantic relationship in person. Red flag alluding to a romantic relationship with a stranger.  Alluding to a stranger has nothing to do with asking a person to be in a committed relationship.  

The thing is you saw this huge change but it wasn't.  You got attached through typing and talking.  You showed him you had hours and hours to chat with a complete stranger.  You thought that attachment meant he was "hot" for you.  You only met for 5 days and anyone can be totally into someone for 5 days especially with sexual chemistry. 

Then he realized he didn't see future potential -so he didn't go "cold" he simply stopped communicating as much because he wasn't interested in seeing you again.  Like I said he of course should have been up front with you about that and not done the slow fade nonsense.

Also I'd avoid sharing past dirty laundry with someone you might want to meet in the future to see i you should date.  

Again I am sorry you are disappointed and hope you feel better!

[catfeeder]

5 hours ago, jwrunner81 said:

I agree that he should have been the one to travel to meet me and then I could have gone to visit him after he showed me that he was serious by investing the time and effort by traveling to where I live. 

That's not the lesson I'd take from this. Do not 'date' long distance. You are lucky that getting ghosted was your worst outcome. People disappear all the time. I'm glad you're still alive.

Long distance is about fantasy--and all the risks that go with it.

Meet local people for a quick coffee. Screen them in or out. If there's simpatico get to know one another over t.i.m.e... If this sounds unromantic, read up a bit, and don't position yourself to meet a stranger in a private place again.

Head high, we all learn from living.

 

[MissCanuck]

14 hours ago, jwrunner81 said:

we had to stop by his ex-girlfriend's house (who was out of town) to make sure her pipes didn't freeze since it was extremely cold.  When we got there, he said, "This is my ex's house." 

How did that sit with you?

He is rather dense to take another woman to his ex's house, but it actually says a lot about him: He is still close to her, clearly, if he is able to enter the house when she isn't there (or was even asked to go and check on things) He also either doesn't have much insight or plain doesn't care about how this might look to a new woman in his life.

So many red flags about this man. You had a good time, but operate under the assumption that it's over now. That way you won't continue to let frustration mount when he still doesn't reach out to you and pulls further and further away. 

[Wiseman2]

14 hours ago, jwrunner81 said:

 we had to stop by his ex-girlfriend's house (who was out of town) to make sure her pipes didn't freeze 

In a way it's great you had this adventure and sort of jumpstarted your romantic life. Try to think of it as a sort of vacation fling that was fun in the moment.

You're hurting because you were trying to think of this as a relationship. But try to reframe things in perspective, that is was a great 5 day adventure. 

  The theories about commitmentphobia are irrelevant. Especially since he still has obvious ties to his "ex" GF.

You're doing the right thing not reaching out. Now you know you're ready willing and able to date and enjoy yourself again, so think of him as a catalyst, not a BF.

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

How did that sit with you?

He is rather dense to take another woman to his ex's house, but it actually says a lot about him: He is still close to her, clearly, if he is able to enter the house when she isn't there (or was even asked to go and check on things) He also either doesn't have much insight or plain doesn't care about how this might look to a new woman in his life.

I agree -a white lie would have been fine if he truly wanted to do a good deed with pure motives. Or he could have asked one of the friends he introduced you to to do this given his date with you and the appearance of impropriety.  Perhaps she is not really an ex.  

And I agree with the LD part.  My husband and I were for a few years but we'd been engaged in the distant past so it wasn't a new relationship.  When I was on dating sites for years I briefly considered an LD situation. What happened was he wanted me to stop looking to date others until we could meet in person -we had a couple of long phone calls -great guy.  I told him no - we hadn't met, couldn't meet for at least a month (his sibling lived about an hour's drive from me so he was going to meet me while visiting her).  I made the right decision.

We stayed in touch as friends and shared dating stories,etc.  Never were flirtatious and I even tried to set him up with my sister. 

We met in person about 5 years later. I'd moved to a city where he had family.  He had an on line date he was going to meet.  So on his suggestion me, my baby in the stroller, his date and him met for a walk in the park lol.  (My husband was invited and couldn't make it). 

Fast forward 10 years after that and he does IT work for us remotely lol and we've met twice more while he is in town.  So it can become a friendship -unusually - but I never got emotionally attached to him even when we were considering meeting.  I actually don't remember any flirtatious conversations. 

In person he is who he said he was and is, but when meeting as friends it simply doesn't matter as much.  (I didn't consider whether I was "attracted" and in truth -I don't think I would have had romantic chemistry with him even though he was very charming via phone).

He's attempted several LD relationships over the years and it's just not a good situation -and he's a great conversationalist, a genuine person, a person who can travel to meet people -and still -it's really an uphill battle.  

Just an anecdote of my one attempt at OLD LD!

[jwrunner81]

6 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

How did that sit with you?

He is rather dense to take another woman to his ex's house, but it actually says a lot about him: He is still close to her, clearly, if he is able to enter the house when she isn't there (or was even asked to go and check on things) He also either doesn't have much insight or plain doesn't care about how this might look to a new woman in his life.

So many red flags about this man. You had a good time, but operate under the assumption that it's over now. That way you won't continue to let frustration mount when he still doesn't reach out to you and pulls further and further away. 

Honestly, I was a bit shocked and blindsided by this.  I didn't know how to react because it was so unexpected and awkward.  His "ex" lives literally 5 minutes from him (maybe even less).  When I was visiting him, there was a major cold spell.  His kitchen pipes actually froze and apparently his ex-girlfriend asked him to check on her house to make sure all was well there as she was out of town.  He couldn't get into the house because he didn't have her door code, so he had to call her to get it, but yeah, it was super awkward and definitely felt a bit strange, because it obviously means that he still has contact with her.   When we pulled into the driveway, he said, "This is my ex's house.  I don't like the color she painted it."  I was taken aback and was like, "Oh, yeah, I guess I don't really like that color either."  Again...AWKWARD!!!  I agree that he probably shouldn't have mentioned that it was his ex's house and just said it was a friend's house.  When you're with a new girl who you supposedly like and are trying to court and get to know, it's generally NOT a good idea to bring them around your ex's house, even if she's out of town!

I do think he's still very bitter about his ex and I got the vibe that it was a fairly recent breakup.  The morning I was leaving, there was a commercial on TV about Valentine's Day and he made a very bitter comment, saying what a stupid holiday it was, and this was just 20-30 minutes after we had been intimate!  Ouch?!  I was thinking to myself, "You have a woman here who really digs you, wants to get to know you more, and who just slept with you, yet you're being so bitter about a Valentine's Day commercial?!  Helloooooo?!  Am I chopped liver?!"

Anyway, it has now been 2 days since he's texted me, 11 days since he's FaceTimed me, 10 days since he's called me, and he hasn't responded to my last 2 texts from Friday night and yesterday morning, so I'm no longer reaching out to him at this point.  I know that he leaves for Florida tomorrow for a work conference for several days.  He had initially invited me to go with him in the early days of us talking and even told my mother that he wanted me to go with him, but then he stopped talking about it, so I guess I was subtly "uninvited."  Who knows if he's going with anyone else, maybe the "ex."  I just don't know.  The whole situation plain sucks.

[MissCanuck]

I think the fact that he is the one she calls to check on her house says a lot. 

I don't agree that he should have lied and pretended it was someone else's house. I simply think he showed you his hand (so to speak) by making it obvious that they communicate enough that he was the person she sent there, and he thought little of taking you there with him to do it. 

My guess is they are still in each others' lives to such a degree that actually dating him would be uncomfortable anyway.